THE PEOPLE CALLED IT RAGTIME...
Hola, this is the expert herself, Kira.  No doubt you are all wondering how, exactly, to enjoy a successful period.  There are several key points to know when beginning this process.  First and foremost: get rid of all the old fashioned notions in your head.  You do not have to be female to enjoy your period.  This would go completely against all that is politically correct and good, and after all this is the year 2000.  A period is more than just some blood spilling forth from your loins every month... it's an attitude.
    Here are some steps to having a completely fullfilling period.  PLEASE NOTE: Periods vary from person to person, so do not expect the same result.  For higher altitudes, use about one quarter cup less hostility.
    1.  PAIN:  For many, the first sign of a period is the bloating and cramps.  Even before your friend comes to pay her monthly visit, these symptoms come crashing down on the body.  Whether you actually get cramps or are merely simulating, it is good to cry and whine in order to obtain sympathy and sick days.  To maximize pain, wear the tightest jeans you have...you know, the ones you can't bend over in.
    2.  COLORATION: Your tight pants should clearly emphasize your ass, and should be of a light shade such as khaki, white, or pale blue.  This will make blood stains easy to view, and will help them look their cheeriest shade of red instead of that annoying, faded brown.  (Results can also be acheived through ketchup or corn syrup with red food coloring.)  For the best staining results, always be completely unprepared (i.e., don't carry pads or tampons or an extra pair of pants) so that the blood will have as long as possible to soak in.  Take time to enjoy the beautiful patterns your period will leave on your bottom.  It is rumored that Martha Stewart cuts hers out and frames them as works of art.
    3.  SANITATION:  Of course, you can only go so long without a pad or tampon before somebody will hand you one.  Most likely a gym teacher.  When this happens, don't panic: as long as you don't run your pants under cold water or use stain remover, you shouldn't lose that lovely crimson glow on the seat.  Preference for a pad or tampon varies from person to person.  For men and those with small holes, I strongly recommend pads.  For the most fun, buy the generic brand marked "Heavy Flow."  This ensures maximum thickness and therefore discomfort.  Also, make sure there are no wings on it, thereby increasing the chances that it will crinkle up inside your underwear and allow blood to leak down.  This method is especially potent for women with large thighs.  As for tampons, there really is no way to garauntee leaking.  Unless, of course, you buy the extra thins for light flow knowing full well that you are a heavy.
    4.  TALKING THE TALK:  As I said earlier, a period is an attitude.  It's the evil look you slide someone out of the corner of your eye after they give you a friendly hello.  It's the matted mass of hair that you're too lazy to brush in the morning.  It's the way you scream at your friends for nothing one moment, and the next find yourself laughing hysterically.  For most people, being grumpy and moody comes naturally.  For others, it takes a bit of work.  Don't worry...I'm here to talk you through it.  The problem most people run across when attempting to simulate the "period attitude" is really quite simple: they try too hard.  To be the perfect PMSing bitch, you have only to do one thing...BE EVIL.  It really isn't difficult.  We all have a nasty side to us just dying to claw its way free of our polite ways.  This is your one chance to let it go and get away with it.  You may say at this point, "Yeah, but I know what's-her-face who's soooo nice...what's she supposed to do?"  For those types, there's not much help.  They're too damn nice.  On the other hand, they're the ones who usually end up as psycho killers and whores later on.  So unless you want to turn out like that, I strongly suggest letting it all out.

QUIZ: ARE YOU AN AUTUMN OR A WINTER....FUN WITH COLOR ANALYSIS!!!

Are you dusky roosje?  Or maybe maple leaf rag (a deep red-brown)?  A suprising new study shows that the color of your blood can greatly effect all kinds of things including what you like to eat, the music you enjoy, whether you're into art or sports, and whether or not your children will turn out to be freaks.  Who will you marry, and what are your relationships most likely to be like?  Are you a cat person?  Does your skin shrivel when touched by direct sunlight?  Does Britney Spears have implants, or is she telling the truth?  All these questions and more can be answered, all by testing the color of your blood.

Color Name: "A Skip Through the Elysian Fields at Sunrise"
Meaning: Many years ago, an Indian Princess sailed from the shores of Mexico to the coast of Oregon.  There, she plunged a knife deep into her bosom and died.  Her blood was washed away on the foaming tide, and it is said that on certain nights, you can still see its redness washing up on the beach.  In fact, on that same beach are a number of crabs who scuttle about doing what crabs to best.  You are like one of these crabs: you attack only when provoked or hungry, but are extremely good at inflicting pain when you want to.  Beneath your tough shell, you're a softy, and smell slightly of fish.

Color Name: "Slow Drip Rouge"
Meaning: You like skiing.

Color Name: "Stinky Shit Red"
Meaning: Your shit is stinky.  You have the stinkiest shit you have ever smelt, and there's nothing you can do to change that.  There are all kinds of shit...most of them smelly.  Yours, however, is exceptional.  Congratulations, stinky shit girl!

Color Name: "Indian Princess Brown"
Meaning: Your planets are perfectly aligned...be aware of Jupiter moving into your sphere on the seventeenth.

Color Name: "Red"
Meaning: You're creative and talented, but you have a nasty habit of chasing bunny rabbits wherever you may see them.  In the park, your yard, or lying dead beside the highway...

Color Name: "Dusky Roosje"
Meaning: You are sultry and independant.  However, you are rather ugly and this greatly impairs your ability to attract anything but rotten cabbage.  Your children will most likely have down syndrome.

Color Name: "Maple Leaf Rag"
Meaning:  When you were three, your dog Avery was eaten by your goldfish, Durango.  You have since become a prominent wallpaper artist in the town of Buck Snort, Wisconsin.  You will one day find true love with Prince Dirk of Burundi, who you happened to spot while perusing a "Princes of Random Countries" magazine.  You will not marry him, seeing as he has no idea that you exist.  Awe, poor baby.  Good hunting.

Color Name: "Skanky Skankee Skanki"
Meaning:  You're probably going to be a whore when you grow up honey...yeah...can you say "whore?"  Come on, let's do it together...

Color Name: "Rubious Lips of the Queen of Darkness"
Meaning:  Fortune cookie say: Don't go to McGaffy on the 8th of the month.  Your lucky numbers are 12-13-14-15-1902874766564.

Color Name: "It's so Prettih!"
Meaning:  You're a good dancer...Pretty pretty dancing!  Your teen's look is off the hook.  You're so mean cuz you dumped a pregnant teen.  You went from geek to chic.  Your chest is the best.  Padernatie tests: You're the daddy and you know it, even if you ARE a woman.  BITCH!!!  Now sit down cuz you're all up in my Kool Aid!  You don't need Jenny Jones...honey, you should have called Jenny Craig.

  Color Name: "Other"
Meaning:  You're a freak.  Find the nearest bridge...and figure the rest out for yourself.