People for the Ethical Treatment of Oompa Loompas
Welcome, brothers and sisters, to the homepage for PETOL - People for the Ethical Treatment of Oompa Loompas. Oompa Loompas are a race of people from Loompa Land, which is a tiny country just south of Armenia, bordering the Caspian Sea. Loompa Land, unfortunately, is currently entailed in a horrific ethnic Civil War involving the Horn Swagglers, Rotten Vermicious Kinids, and the Swangdoodles. Of course, with Oompa Loompas generally being a peaceful race of people, they tend to get caught in the middle of the conflict and bear the brunt of the other three ethnicities' aggressions. The Oompa Loompas were beaten, tortured, and eaten by the other participants in the Great Loompa War until "salvation" came in the form of an English businessman named Willy Wonka.
At first he presents himself as God's gift to the Oompa Loompa people, giving them the opportunity to escape their war-ravaged and overly dangerous homeland for "greener pastures". Little did the Oompa Loompas realize that in Wonka talk, "greener pastures" translates directly into "slave labor". William Wonka had the Oompa Loompas' collective testicles in a vice grip.
Not wanting to return to a homeland ravaged by war, the Oompa Loompas had no other choice but to bow to the will of the sick and demented Wonka. Wonka of course kept the existence of the Oompa Loompas secret from the rest of the world, due to the fact that those who knew the truth would ultimate lobby to free the Oompa Loompas from the vicious death grip he had on them. Wonka, however, then decided to come out of hiding and distribute five golden tickets...tickets which would grant five children access to the factory for one day, along with a lifetime supply of Wonka's chocolate. However, his true intentions were to find four victims to satiate his murderous appetite and one child who he would deem worthy to carry on his insane and violent legacy. Said child was Charles Buckett, who was granted the factory after returning the "everlasting gobstopper" to Wonka. However, Charlie soon discovered the true state of Wonka's factory and returned to the outside world. Unwilling to carry on Wonka's vicious deeds, Charlie fled the country and hid in Canada for the next twenty-some-odd years of his life. When the media finally caught up to him, his statements stunned and shocked the world. We had never been given an explanation as to why Charlie suddenly changed his mind and rejected Wonka's proposal...until Charlie came out of his house in 1985.
The following is a quote from an AP article, dated August 17, 1985:
"...it was horrible. He had all of these mad inventions which served little purpose. Excess was one of the rules of life in the factory. Wonka was amazingly violent and destructive, with little regard for our safety. The initial tour of the factory made it out to be a beautiful wonderland, however I took the liberty of later inspecting the grounds myself. Most shocking of all was the living conditions of the Oompa Loompas, forced to work sixteen hour a day shifts, most of which is unnecessary and ridiculous labor. When they had the opportunity for sleep (which wasn't often), they were forced to retire to a small, odd-smelling chamber overrun with rats and other vermin....the ever-lasting gobstopper was the worst of all. I...I don't want to talk about it anymore. It's unsettling just thinking about it. Now get off my property."
Charlie, a full grown adult, still carried with him the horrible, violent memories of the factory. The ever-lasting gobstopper peaked my interest, so I decided to examine the facts further...and discovered the terrible, terrible truth about the product.
Wonka poses with the "ever-lasting gobstopper"
In truth, the "ever-lasting gobstopper" wasn't candy. It was, in fact, a MIND CONTROLLING IMPLANT. Wonka planned to use the brain implant, dubbed the OLC Unit, to further bend the Oompa Loompas to his will and ensure their loyalty. It should have been obvious to us all along. I mean, honestly...we know that Wonka is evil, so there's no way he would have sympathy for all the impoverished candy consumers of the world. So scratch the theory that this "gobstopper" was a means of providing candy to those who could not afford to buy one right after another. Since we know he's pure evil, from a business standpoint the gobstopper would not be economically effecient or beneficial. Why create a product where demand is almost non-existant after the initial purchase? The "ever-lasting gobstopper" was a cover for the mind controlling device that Wonka had created.
Armed with these truths and determined to right the wrongs committed to the Oompa Loompas, PETOL is on a never-ending crusade to free the Oompa Loompas from the diabolical Wonka. We have several sources within the factory, and hope that a strike (or ideally a sudden, bloody worker revolution) will free the Oompa Loompas from his grasp. Join the ever-growing ranks of PETOL. Do the right thing. Do it for the Oompa Loompas.
FIGHT THE POWER!!!
HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!!!
PETOL SITE NAVIGATION
Negotiations to free the Oompa Loompas
A caring race of people...
Biography of the Oppressor
A horrific new invention from Willy Wonka - the Oompa Loompa Cannon
Seeing as how Wonka enjoyed writing songs for the Oompa Loompas to perform, we wrote our own little diddy. It goes something like this...
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPADEE DOO,
I've got the perfect puzzle for you.
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPADEE DEE,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
What do you get when your race is oppressed?
Forced slave labor with no actual...rest?
What can you do when your life is a...mess?
REVOLT AGAINST WONKA!
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPADEE DOO,
I've got another puzzle for you.
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DEE,
If you're not blind, the truth you will see.
How would you feel if you were one of...them?
Sleeping with the cockroaches and the vermin?
Sure we don't have to pay the bills or the...rent,
BUT REALLY IS IT WORTH IT?!
OOMPA LOOMPA DOOPADEE DOO,
Free our tiny brothers from his mad candy...zoo.
Their quality of life will be increased...too,
If you free the OOMPA LOOMPAS, DOOPADEE DOO!
A Little Nonsense Now and Then
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