"ACES: IRON EAGLE
III" Intro |
Okay, our Applied Aeronautics field trip to March Air Reserve Base continues with our next film, "Aces: Iron Eagle 3." Don't worry if you didn't see "Iron Eagle" one or two--all you need to know is that Lou Gossett Jr. is a retired Air Force colonel who, like all retired heroes, just can't stay away from saving people. And this time he's saving the family of the gorgeous female bodybuilder Rachel McLish. Let's do the drive-in totals. We have:
Thirty-two dead bodies.
Two air battles.
Chain to the neck.
Attack by food tray.
One kamikaze maneuver.
920 rounds of gunfire.
Two and a half stars.
NOT approved by the actual U.S. Air Force, who we visited earlier today. Roll it.
[fading] So, Rusty, teach me some military lingo. Like, how do you say, "I'm flying over the Persian Gulf and there's a big Iraqi plane to my right with a really ugly guy inside"? In military.
RUSTY: You can't see the actual pilot.
Kind of cold and impersonal, isn't it?
RUSTY: They don't call it "war" for nothing, Joe Bob.
JBB: Oh, right.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #1
[on base] JBB: We're still here at March Air Reserve Base for "Joe Bob's Summer School," and former Air Force pilot Rusty and I are gonna learn how to refuel aircraft WHILE THEY'RE IN THE AIR. Now, who's the pilot, and who's the one who operates the, uh, gas nozzle thingy. Rusty, help me out here.
JBB: Okay, let's get back to the movie, and then I wanna get in this thing.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #1-A
JBB: Did you feel jealous around an active-duty female member of the Air Force?
RUSTY: She's actually a member of the Air Reserve.
JBB: You ARE jealous.
RUSTY: I am not.
JBB: Okay, there's already too much plot gettin in the way of the movie, but let's get back to "Aces: Iron Eagle III."
[fading] Rachel McLish looks like she just walked out of an Aaron Spelling show with that make-up, doesn't she?
RUSTY: Well, you have to look good when you're tied up in the dungeon of a Peruvian drug den.
JBB: Don't I know it.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #2
[on base] JBB: Professor Joe Bob and former Air Force Captain Rusty, here at March Air Reserve Base with two pilots who fly the KC-135. By the way, did either of you go to Bosnia or Kosovo? Or Desert Storm? Rusty flew in Desert Storm.
JBB: Okay, so can I get in here while you take her up?
[Joe Bob is helped into bubble] Hey, Rusty, you wanna get in here with me?
RUSTY: No, thank you.
JBB: Okay, I'm ready. Wait--Rusty--
[Rusty hands him another barf bag]
[Clip of jet taking off]
V.O. [shaky]: This is exciting. Extreme sports, right?
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #2-A
JBB: See, I didn't need the barf bag that time.
RUSTY: Yeah, it's hard to throw up when you've fainted, isn't it?
JBB: Let's get back to "Aces: Iron Eagle III," with the bad guy from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" playing EXACTLY the same character in this movie. Paul Freeman as Kleiss. Okay, go.
[fading] I didn't faint. Women faint. I passed out.
RUSTY: Oh, sorry.
JBB: You can throw up when you're passed out, though. You shouldn't laugh about it. That's how rock stars die.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #3
RUSTY: [wiping Joe Bob's brow] Maybe you should stay on the ground for a while, huh?
JBB: That was great. Loved it.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #3-A
JBB: I didn't look like a landlubber in front of the Air Force, did I?
RUSTY: Landlubber? No, I think the word would be "wimp."
JBB: A simple yes or no will do. Okay, let's get back to "Aces: Iron Eagle III."
[fading] We actually had a scene where I could understand what Sonny Chiba was saying. Most of the time I don't know WHAT he's talking about.
RUSTY: I thought he was speaking Japanese.
JBB: I doubt you're alone in that assumption. I think "wimp" is a little strong. Usually, civilian goes up in those planes, he has to go to rehab.
RUSTY: You did go to rehab.
JBB: That was just a little cot. With an oxygen tank.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #4
JBB: I'm still feeling a little woozy, but we've moved on to the C-141 here. Hi, are you the pilot?
[Pilot introduces himself]
JBB: Good to meet you. This is former Air Force Captain Rusty.
JBB: What's the most intense thing you've ever done in this plane? That's actually endorsed by the military. Rusty, just jump in at any time.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #4-A
RUSTY: Do you think you could have embarrassed me any more with your questions?
JBB: I thought military people LIKED talking about their conquests.
RUSTY: Yes, their MILITARY conquests.
JBB: Oh. Well, let's get back to the "Aces: Iron Eagle III." We know they're in Peru now, cause they got some llamas from the El Lay Zoo and stuck em in the shot. Roll it.
[fading] Maybe later you can tell me about YOUR military conquests, if you know what I mean.
RUSTY: You're impossible.
JBB: Do you like the military position? Oh no, that's the missionary position. Heck, I've known girls who do the military position. Jump in at any time.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #5
JBB: We're still here at March Air Reserve Base out in Riverside County, California, with a C-141 pilot.
JBB: I guess you don't have the little bags of honey-roasted peanuts on this plane, do you?
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #5-A
JBB: Well, I think we're in safe hands, don't you?
RUSTY: We are now that YOU'RE off the base.
JBB: Oh, you're just itching to tell people what happened, aren't you? Well, they'll have to wait till the next break. Back to the flick.
[fading] Sonny Chiba uses Reynolds Wrap to stop a missile. Is that for real?
RUSTY: What do YOU think?
JBB: Guess not, huh? I do think you could invade Columbia with some old World War II stunt show planes. Do you like the donkey? Not many Air Force movies have donkey comic relief. This movie's not too good, is it?
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #6
[parachute; plane is actually on the ground]
JBB: We're flying over March Air Reserve Base in the C-141 and I'm about to do my first airdrop! Am I all strapped in, Rusty?!
RUSTY: Ready to go, Joe Bob! Don't forget this! [hands him barf bag]
JBB: Thanks! Boy, those engines are loud, aren't they?! Okay, here I go!
[Joe Bob fakes jumping out of the plane, and we cut to clip of troops parachuting through the air]
V.O.: Hey, who are all THESE guys? How ya guys doin?
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Commercial Break #6-A
JBB: Ow, my ankle still hurts from that landing.
RUSTY: Yeah, six feet is a long way down, isn't it?
JBB: I can't believe you're giving away our stunts.
What did I do to deserve this lack of team spirit?
RUSTY: You landed on the Colonel's wife's favorite chihuahua and got us kicked off the base. Forever.
JBB: Dang thing shouldn't have been on the tarmac.
RUSTY: I was disgraced. I'll never be able to wear this uniform again. And it's my favorite color.
JBB: And I must say, you do look good in it. Okay, instead of being saved by the bell, you've just seen a guy KILLED by the bell. Let's see, we had the llama stampede, one of the best llama stampedes in my memory. And okay, it's time for the heroic conclusion to "Aces: Iron Eagle III."
[fading] Rachel McLish is one impressive muscle babe, isn't she? I'd like to see you and her mud wrestle some time.
RUSTY: What? Where did THAT come from?
JBB: I went from her being impressive, to you in the military, to women in combat, to women fighting, to women in mud. A natural progression.
RUSTY: That makes sense.
"ACES: IRON EAGLE III" Outro
JBB: The ole punji-stick-through-the-body climax, with the great Sonny Chiba doing a kamikaze and the entire cast dressing in western wear for the resolution scene -- they don't write em like that anymore, do they? -- yes, it's the classic "Aces: Iron Eagle III." Do you know what kinda jets they used in that flick, Rusty?
RUSTY: Of course. There were three SOKO Galeb jets, Cessna twin, two Bell 205's, a T-6/Zero replica, a Fairchild C-123K--
JBB: Okay, we got it. I wanna remind everybody that next week we'll be back in the classroom for Advanced Primate Studies at "Joe Bob's Summer School," where we'll watch Planet of the Apes and "Escape from Planet of the Apes." And our guest-lecturer will be an actor who works exclusively in an ape suit, Marvin Mishowski. Nobody knows what he really looks like, but I hear he's a great guy. That's it for me, Professor Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that there are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Did you guys hear the one about the doctor, the lawyer, the little boy and the priest who are together on a small plane? The plane develops engine trouble. The pilot tries his best, but the plane starts to go down. The pilot grabs a parachute and yells to the passengers that they better jump, and he bails out. But there are only three parachutes left. The doctor grabs one and says, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and he jumps out. The lawyer says, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, so I deserve to live!" He grabs a parachute and jumps out. The priest looks at the little boy and says, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy hands the parachute back to the priest and says, "Don't worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.
[fading] A farmer and his wife go to a fair. The farmer is fascinated by the airplanes and asks the pilot how much a ride would cost. Pilot says "Ten dollars for three minutes." Farmer says, "That's too much." Pilot thinks for a second and then says, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for three minutes without uttering a sound, the ride is free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay ten dollars." The farmer and his wife agree and go for a wild ride. After they land, the pilot says to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." Farmer says, "Maybe so. But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."