Monstervision Host Segments for

Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Intro

"Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, with one of our favorite TV sluts, I mean actresses, Christina Applegate, in the TNT prem-yay of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. After that we'll be showing Wes Craven's answer to Halloween, "Deadly Friend." And when the movies are over, just leave the remains of whatever you've eaten right there on the couch. I mean, why not? It's okay in movie theaters, why shouldn't you do it at home?
Why is littering okay in movie theaters?
Can anybody help me out with this?
You decide to fork over eight bucks and go see the latest boffo flick--maybe you're even on a date, which implies that you're behaving fairly well. At least till you get her home--THEN you're trying to get her blouse off while simultaneously pretending to be interested in the extinction of the Tibetan sea turtle. But while you're still at the movies, tryin to make a good impression, you're letting HER sit behind the little old lady who barely reaches the top of her seat while YOU sit behind the guy with the foot-tall afro and the good posture. And you're buying her the jumbo tub of popcorn, the double-bladder-sized Mr. Pibb, the Raisinettes. Unless you're in one of those yuppie theaters in New York or El Lay, and then you're buying her the goat-cheese sandwich, the cappuccino and the imported Viennese biscotti. But when the movie's over, what do you do with the boxes and cups that all these goodies came in? NOTHING. You LEAVE EM THERE. Apparently this is acceptable behavior. Even though they usually have some cartoon from 1972 or 1957 about throwing your boxes and cups away, there's still an army of teen-agers with brooms waiting outside to pick up all the crap you just didn't bother to throw away.
No reason. Just didn't bother.
I don't know of any other place else where it's okay to litter. You don't go to the mall and just drop the free perfume sample they gave you after you've tried it. Do you? No. You find a trash can. You don't get a drink at the office water cooler, and then throw your cup on the floor. Even on an airplane, which is kinda like a very uncomfortable theater in the sky, you hold onto your trash until the stewardess comes by, hoping she'll notice you holding out twelve dirty napkins, an empty peanut bag and some melted ice all crammed into a little two-ounce plastic cup. You familiar with this move? [demonstrates holding out cup while stewardess passes by]

Anyway, speaking of things being crammed into a cup, in 1991, Christina Applegate had been on "Married with Children" for four years playing the slutty teenage daughter, Kelly Bundy. So, believe you me, when I heard about "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead," I kinda had my hopes up. It sounds like the perfect "MonsterVision" combo--dead bodies AND sluts. Unfortunately, I was wrong. This is one of those SENSITIVE stories about five kids whose mom goes to Australia for two weeks and leaves em with a babysitter that looks like an old lady, but acts like Rambo. I guess it won't give anything away if I tell you she dies right off the bat, and the five little boogers decide not to call Mom. But I can't tell you any more of the plot because then there'd be NOTHIN left to keep you entertained, as evidenced by these drive-in totals:
One dead body.
No breasts.
Bug burning.
Plate shooting.
Petty-cash stealing.
Pre-pubescent womanizing.
Gratuitous french-fry-vat cleaning.
Gratuitous moody rock ballad.
Gratuitous David Duchovny.
No kung fu.
One and a half stars.
Let's get it started--I WILL be here to try and make the experience as painless as possible.

[fading] It seems like the crack TNT programming department is JUST getting the concept of the show, when they slap something on us like "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" or "Oh Heavenly Dog" or Look Who's Talking Too or something. I shouldn't even MENTION titles like that, cause they'll probly go, "Yeah, 'Oh Heavenly Dog'--let's get THAT." So . . . forget I brought it up."


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #1

"And the babysitter dies a GRIZZLY death from the shock inflicted by a teenager's bedroom. This movie's directed by Stephen Herek, who also did 101 Dalmations, "The Mighty Ducks," and Mr. Holland's Opus.
Those titles shoulda tipped me off. The only things on his resume of any significance are maybe Critters and "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure." But I don't mean to come down too heavy on the guy. At least his movies make money. He's not one of these guys like Kevin Costner or Renny Harlin who spend jillions and jillions making HUGE flops, and then just keep on working. Part of the budget on Waterworld was Kevin Costner's 1.2 million dollars worth of personal expenses, which included his yacht rental. And you know what Carolco Pictures gave Renny Harlin and Geena Davis for doing the mega-million-dollar tank-of-the-year "Cutthroat Island" that put the company out of business? Matching '57 Cadillacs. Stephen Herek is NOT one of those guys. Unless the new Eddie Murphy movie tanks, and then it's probly Eddie Murphy's fault. Okay, let's roll it.

[fading] I may have my Renny Harlin info slightly wrong. It might've been matching T-birds they got. But what the heck, company goes out of business? We'll just rename it and move it down the street. We'll get some more money from those Japanese businessmen who think cameras the size of a lima bean are really cool. Those guys LOVE investing. Remember The Guyver?"


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #2

"Uh ... what show are we on again? Where's the Christina Applegate we know and love? The one with the apple tattoo I'm not sure how far below her bellybutton but I can only hope. The one who married her best friend at a club in Vegas one night to declare that the bond between two women surpasses the bond between two men. Because men and women are so DIFFERENT, how could we possibly be compatible? I say it's those differences that MAKE us compatible, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Okay, back to the flick.

[fading] I think Christina knows that, too, because her marriage wasn't really real. But, honey, you do what you want. You want to marry a chick, go right ahead. Can I be there when you consummate it, though? Just kinda hovering in the back of the bridal suite?"


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #3

"That was just the all-star section of the movie. David Duchovny as the smarmy guy who needs "the figures." They always use words like that when they have office scenes, don't they? And the girl who knows how to use the fax machine--that's Kimmy Robertson, who you probly recognize from "Twin Peaks." Actually, David Duchovny was in Twin Peaks, too, playing the transvestite DEA Agent. Bet you didn't remember that. He DID work before The X Files. And does the guy playing the uniform designer look familiar? That's Sydney Lassick, from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Huh? Were you goin crazy over that one? Or do you want me to just stop talking so we can go back to this FASCINATING movie. Okay, roll it.

[fading] David Duchovny is known for being real smart, even though Stephen King beat him on "Celebrity Jeopardy." But Duchovny did go to Princeton AND Yale. And his intelligence really shines through in this movie, doesn't it?"


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #4

Okay, a couple of these kids have new shows on this fall, and they're not competing with us, so I'll go ahead and plug em. Christina Applegate's in one called "Jesse," which everybody's probly seen since they popped it on right after Friends. And Josh Charles--that's the guy playing Bryan--is on some show called "Sports Night"--which is the sitcom version of "SportsCenter," they hope. Didn't he play the gay guy in that movie "Threesome," where Lara Flynn Boyle gets nekkid with every guy on campus? Yummy. Okay, next break we'll have the TNT Mail Girl, so stick around.

[fading] I like how they give Christina Applegate--some secretary who barely has a driver's license--the power to approve purchase orders. These screenwriters were real EXPERTS in the ways of the corporate world, weren't they? "We have to present the FIGURES to NEW YORK tomorrow!" I don't usually complain about stuff like that, but until I get Christina in a mini-skirt, I'm gonna be kinda grumpy tonight.


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #5

"I think Christina Applegate should wear MORE make-up in this movie, don't you? Okay, I'm sure we've lost the ENTIRE prison audience with this flick, but it's still time for what we affectionately call "Joe Bob's Jail Break," and to help us out is someone who IS dressing to accentuate her figure, [enters] the TNT Mail Girl. You ever faked a resume, Rusty?

MAIL GIRL: Why do I get the feeling you were just gonna ask me something else?
Whatever do you mean?
MAIL GIRL: Nothing. No, I've never faked a resume.
[pulling out resume] So before you got this job, you really DID deliver mail to Mike Wallace on "60 Minutes."
MAIL GIRL: Yep.
And before that, you brought Santa's mail to him at the North Pole.
MAIL GIRL: Yes, I did.
I bet Mrs. Santa was mighty jealous.
MAIL GIRL: It was a purely professional relationship.
Okay. Cause I never did get around to checking your references.
MAIL GIRL: [changing the subject] Here's a letter from Samuel C., at the James Crabtree Correctional Center.

"Dear Joe Bob,
"Just a few lines to say hello and how the hell are you. I am a fan from way back and I just wanted to say I really enjoy MonsterVision a lot. You really bring a sense of humor to the show. One thing I have to ask you, what the hell are the ratings for? The government said you have to show if it is G, PG, R, or M, but even though you can show movies rated R, TNT don't. You can watch the Discovery Channel and see naked women running around! They say it's education. Why don't ya'll take that blurrer off the women when they are topless and just say it is educational? Who the hell is going to know the difference?"

I feel your pain, Samuel, but somehow I think the TNT high sheriffs WILL know the difference between a pregnant West African pygmy woman and Sharon Stone with an ice pick.

"Aren't monster movies educational? As for me, I learn more from your show than the educational channels. Tell me what's wrong with saying this movie is rated R or M and letting people get their kids to bed? I don't see what's wrong with seeing a woman's breasts. They show underwear on "Silk Stalkings" on USA. There is more shown on that than on monster shows. Even "Baywatch" shows more. Tell the director to loosen up, give us a break and give us some movies that are not blacked out."

"P.S. Please send me a picture of the new mail girl. She is fine. Tell her to put some lipstick on and send a kiss and write something sweet to your friend Samuel here in prison. I want to get the guys here jealous.
"Yours truly, Samuel Cannon, #234371.
"James Crabtree Correctional Center, Helena, Oklahoma."

You want TNT to show movies that are rated "M"? Good LUCK. You notice in the movie tonight that they cut any shots of Kenny and his friends actually SMOKING the you-know-what-and-I-can't-say-it-or-they'll-edit-this-TOO? I appreciate you sayin you learn stuff here on "MonsterVision," but for some reason, they will NOT authorize my appeal for early-detection breast exam lessons. I'll keep trying, though. Okay, James Crabtree Correctional Center is located in Helena, Oklahoma. 750 male inmates, medium security. It was built as a college and an orphanage in 1904, but they turned it into a prison in '82. Those are all the same thing, though, aren't they? Anyhow, it's the only medium security prison in Oklahoma that has an open dorm setting. And it's got a female warden, who probly wears earplugs when you guys are done watching "Baywatch." It also houses the Helena Vo-Tech Skills Center which has programs in equine management. Equine management--what is that?
MAIL GIRL: It's working with horses.
And you know that from your job [checking resume] delivering mail to the Queen at Ascot.
MAIL GIRL: That's right.
You ever fake anything else?
MAIL GIRL: I knew you were gonna ask me that. [exits]
I was talking about I.D.s. Did you ever have a fake I.D. Rusty?"


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #6

"It's nice that Sue Ellen is so calm about her little brothers and sisters stealing money from her, isn't it? That's how I act when badly-behaved twerps steal three-thousand dollars out of MY briefcase--"I'll just work harder. I'll make the money back. Y'all don't worry about it."
Shoot, did we talk about Joanna Cassidy yet? She's kinda hot, especially with that big red wig on. Remember her in Blade Runner, running around in a bikini and a see-through raincoat? She's been working since the sixties, but she still has some FINE bone structure, if you know what I mean. Okay, that was quick one, so let's get back to it.

[fading] I forgive Joanna for doing Vampire in Brooklyn. I forgive everybody for doing "Vampire in Brooklyn." I try not to hold grudges. It's not healthy."


"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break #7

"Man, that was fast. Did they sneak an extra commercial break in on us? Hey, you know that kid Kenny? He's the grandson of Jackie Coogan--big kid actor, and then Uncle Fester on The Addams Family. Keith Coogan also starred in the other babysitting classic, "Adventures in Babysitting." That's another one some greenhorn at TNT programming will probly send our way.

Okay, ask me how happy I am about Christina Applegate wearing all these baggy dresses down to her knees. I mean, we're finally getting a TINY bit of skin, but frankly, I think watching an old "Married With Children" re-run would be better than this. All right, let's get to the conclusion of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead."

[fading] I understand Christina wears a little St. Pauli Girl barmaid dress in her new show. Why couldn't they get THAT costume designer for this movie?"
*** Tonight's host segments continue, with Wes Craven's Deadly Friend

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Host segments for Adventures In Babysitting


Fun facts:
This was one of the few comedies from John Carpenter's co-producer of the Halloween movies

In 2004, the prospective jury pool for Robert Blake's murder trial included Harry Shearer (The Simpsons, This Is Spinal Tap) and Christina Applegate. Harry says he got out of it after waiting 8 hours to be called by telling the judge that if he didn't show up for the next taping of The Simpsons he would be sued for breach of contract.

Host segment transcript of 4-24-99 broadcast
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