"Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, with
one of our favorite TV sluts, I mean actresses, Christina Applegate, in the TNT prem-yay of
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. After that we'll be showing Wes
Craven's answer to Halloween, "Deadly Friend." And when the movies
are over, just leave the remains of whatever you've eaten right there on
the couch. I mean, why not? It's okay in movie theaters, why shouldn't you
do it at home? Why is littering okay in movie theaters? Can
anybody help me out with this? You decide to fork over eight bucks and go
see the latest boffo flick--maybe you're even on a date, which implies
that you're behaving fairly well. At least till you get her home--THEN
you're trying to get her blouse off while simultaneously pretending to be
interested in the extinction of the Tibetan sea turtle. But while you're
still at the movies, tryin to make a good impression, you're letting HER
sit behind the little old lady who barely reaches the top of her seat
while YOU sit behind the guy with the foot-tall afro and the good posture.
And you're buying her the jumbo tub of popcorn, the double-bladder-sized
Mr. Pibb, the Raisinettes. Unless you're in one of those yuppie theaters
in New York or El Lay, and then you're buying her the goat-cheese
sandwich, the cappuccino and the imported Viennese biscotti. But when the
movie's over, what do you do with the boxes and cups that all these
goodies came in? NOTHING. You LEAVE EM THERE. Apparently this is
acceptable behavior. Even though they usually have some cartoon from 1972
or 1957 about throwing your boxes and cups away, there's still an army of
teen-agers with brooms waiting outside to pick up all the crap you just
didn't bother to throw away. No reason. Just didn't bother. I don't
know of any other place else where it's okay to litter. You don't go to
the mall and just drop the free perfume sample they gave you after you've
tried it. Do you? No. You find a trash can. You don't get a drink at the
office water cooler, and then throw your cup on the floor. Even on an
airplane, which is kinda like a very uncomfortable theater in the sky, you
hold onto your trash until the stewardess comes by, hoping she'll notice
you holding out twelve dirty napkins, an empty peanut bag and some melted
ice all crammed into a little two-ounce plastic cup. You familiar with
this move? [demonstrates holding out cup while stewardess passes
by]
Anyway, speaking of things being crammed into a cup, in 1991,
Christina Applegate had been on "Married with Children" for four years
playing the slutty teenage daughter, Kelly Bundy. So, believe you me, when
I heard about "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead," I kinda had my hopes
up. It sounds like the perfect "MonsterVision" combo--dead bodies AND
sluts. Unfortunately, I was wrong. This is one of those SENSITIVE stories
about five kids whose mom goes to Australia for two weeks and leaves em
with a babysitter that looks like an old lady, but acts like . I
guess it won't give anything away if I tell you she dies right off the
bat, and the five little boogers decide not to call Mom. But I can't tell
you any more of the plot because then there'd be NOTHIN left to keep you
entertained, as evidenced by these drive-in totals: One dead body.
No breasts. Bug burning. Plate shooting. Petty-cash
stealing. Pre-pubescent womanizing. Gratuitous french-fry-vat
cleaning. Gratuitous moody rock ballad. Gratuitous David Duchovny.
No kung fu. One and a half stars. Let's get it
started--I WILL be here to try and make the experience as painless as
possible.
[fading] It seems like the crack TNT programming
department is JUST getting the concept of the show, when they slap
something on us like "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" or "Oh
Heavenly Dog" or Look Who's Talking Too or something. I shouldn't even MENTION titles like that,
cause they'll probly go, "Yeah, 'Oh Heavenly Dog'--let's get THAT." So . .
. forget I brought it up."
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#1
"And the babysitter dies a GRIZZLY death from the shock
inflicted by a teenager's bedroom. This movie's directed by Stephen Herek,
who also did 101 Dalmations, "The Mighty Ducks," and Mr. Holland's Opus.
Those titles shoulda tipped me off. The only things on his resume of any
significance are maybe Critters and "Bill & Ted's Excellent
Adventure." But I don't mean to come down too heavy on the guy. At least
his movies make money. He's not one of these guys like Kevin Costner or
Renny Harlin who spend jillions and jillions making HUGE flops, and then
just keep on working. Part of the budget on Waterworld was Kevin
Costner's 1.2 million dollars worth of personal expenses, which included
his yacht rental. And you know what Carolco Pictures gave Renny Harlin and
Geena Davis for doing the mega-million-dollar tank-of-the-year "Cutthroat
Island" that put the company out of business? Matching '57 Cadillacs.
Stephen Herek is NOT one of those guys. Unless the new Eddie Murphy movie
tanks, and then it's probly Eddie Murphy's fault. Okay, let's roll
it.
[fading] I may have my Renny Harlin info slightly wrong. It
might've been matching T-birds they got. But what the heck, company goes
out of business? We'll just rename it and move it down the street. We'll
get some more money from those Japanese businessmen who think cameras the
size of a lima bean are really cool. Those guys LOVE investing. Remember The Guyver?"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#2
"Uh ... what show are we on again? Where's the Christina
Applegate we know and love? The one with the apple tattoo I'm not sure how
far below her bellybutton but I can only hope. The one who married her
best friend at a club in Vegas one night to declare that the bond between
two women surpasses the bond between two men. Because men and women are so
DIFFERENT, how could we possibly be compatible? I say it's those
differences that MAKE us compatible, if you know what I mean and I think
you do. Okay, back to the flick.
[fading] I think Christina knows
that, too, because her marriage wasn't really real. But, honey, you do
what you want. You want to marry a chick, go right ahead. Can I be there
when you consummate it, though? Just kinda hovering in the back of the
bridal suite?"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#3
"That was just the all-star section of the movie. David
Duchovny as the smarmy guy who needs "the figures." They always use words
like that when they have office scenes, don't they? And the girl who knows
how to use the fax machine--that's Kimmy Robertson, who you probly
recognize from "Twin Peaks." Actually, David Duchovny was in Twin Peaks,
too, playing the transvestite DEA Agent. Bet you didn't remember that. He
DID work before The X Files. And does the guy playing the uniform
designer look familiar? That's Sydney Lassick, from One Flew Over the
Cuckoo's Nest. Huh? Were you goin crazy over that one? Or do you want me
to just stop talking so we can go back to this FASCINATING movie. Okay,
roll it.
[fading] David Duchovny is known for being real smart,
even though Stephen King beat him on "Celebrity Jeopardy." But Duchovny
did go to Princeton AND Yale. And his intelligence really shines through
in this movie, doesn't it?"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#4
Okay, a couple of these kids have new shows on this fall,
and they're not competing with us, so I'll go ahead and plug em. Christina
Applegate's in one called "Jesse," which everybody's probly seen since
they popped it on right after Friends. And Josh Charles--that's the guy
playing Bryan--is on some show called "Sports Night"--which is the sitcom
version of "SportsCenter," they hope. Didn't he play the gay guy in that
movie "Threesome," where Lara Flynn Boyle gets nekkid with every guy on
campus? Yummy. Okay, next break we'll have the TNT Mail Girl, so stick
around.
[fading] I like how they give Christina Applegate--some
secretary who barely has a driver's license--the power to approve purchase
orders. These screenwriters were real EXPERTS in the ways of the corporate
world, weren't they? "We have to present the FIGURES to NEW YORK
tomorrow!" I don't usually complain about stuff like that, but until I get
Christina in a mini-skirt, I'm gonna be kinda grumpy tonight.
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#5
"I think Christina Applegate should wear MORE make-up in
this movie, don't you? Okay, I'm sure we've lost the ENTIRE prison
audience with this flick, but it's still time for what we affectionately
call "Joe Bob's Jail Break," and to help us out is someone who IS dressing
to accentuate her figure, [enters] the TNT Mail Girl. You ever faked a
resume, Rusty?
MAIL GIRL: Why do I get the feeling you were just
gonna ask me something else? Whatever do you mean? MAIL
GIRL: Nothing. No, I've never faked a resume. [pulling out resume]
So before you got this job, you really DID deliver mail to Mike Wallace on
"60 Minutes." MAIL GIRL: Yep. And before that, you brought
Santa's mail to him at the North Pole. MAIL GIRL: Yes, I
did. I bet Mrs. Santa was mighty jealous. MAIL GIRL: It was
a purely professional relationship. Okay. Cause I never did get
around to checking your references. MAIL GIRL: [changing the
subject] Here's a letter from Samuel C., at the James Crabtree
Correctional Center.
"Dear Joe Bob, "Just a few lines to say
hello and how the hell are you. I am a fan from way back and I just wanted
to say I really enjoy MonsterVision a lot. You really bring a sense of
humor to the show. One thing I have to ask you, what the hell are the
ratings for? The government said you have to show if it is G, PG, R, or M,
but even though you can show movies rated R, TNT don't. You can watch the
Discovery Channel and see naked women running around! They say it's
education. Why don't ya'll take that blurrer off the women when they are
topless and just say it is educational? Who the hell is going to know the
difference?"
I feel your pain, Samuel, but somehow I think the TNT
high sheriffs WILL know the difference between a pregnant West African
pygmy woman and Sharon Stone with an ice pick.
"Aren't monster
movies educational? As for me, I learn more from your show than the
educational channels. Tell me what's wrong with saying this movie is rated
R or M and letting people get their kids to bed? I don't see what's wrong
with seeing a woman's breasts. They show underwear on "Silk Stalkings" on
USA. There is more shown on that than on monster shows. Even "Baywatch"
shows more. Tell the director to loosen up, give us a break and give us
some movies that are not blacked out."
"P.S. Please send me a
picture of the new mail girl. She is fine. Tell her to put some lipstick
on and send a kiss and write something sweet to your friend Samuel here in
prison. I want to get the guys here jealous. "Yours truly, Samuel
Cannon, #234371. "James Crabtree Correctional Center, Helena,
Oklahoma."
You want TNT to show movies that are rated "M"? Good
LUCK. You notice in the movie tonight that they cut any shots of Kenny and
his friends actually SMOKING the
you-know-what-and-I-can't-say-it-or-they'll-edit-this-TOO? I appreciate
you sayin you learn stuff here on "MonsterVision," but for some reason,
they will NOT authorize my appeal for early-detection breast exam lessons.
I'll keep trying, though. Okay, James Crabtree Correctional Center is
located in Helena, Oklahoma. 750 male inmates, medium security. It was
built as a college and an orphanage in 1904, but they turned it into a
prison in '82. Those are all the same thing, though, aren't they? Anyhow,
it's the only medium security prison in Oklahoma that has an open dorm
setting. And it's got a female warden, who probly wears earplugs when you
guys are done watching "Baywatch." It also houses the Helena Vo-Tech
Skills Center which has programs in equine management. Equine
management--what is that? MAIL GIRL: It's working with
horses. And you know that from your job [checking resume]
delivering mail to the Queen at Ascot. MAIL GIRL: That's
right. You ever fake anything else? MAIL GIRL: I knew you
were gonna ask me that. [exits] I was talking about I.D.s. Did you
ever have a fake I.D. Rusty?"
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#6
"It's nice that Sue Ellen is so calm about her little
brothers and sisters stealing money from her, isn't it? That's how I act
when badly-behaved twerps steal three-thousand dollars out of MY
briefcase--"I'll just work harder. I'll make the money back. Y'all don't
worry about it." Shoot, did we talk about Joanna Cassidy yet? She's
kinda hot, especially with that big red wig on. Remember her in Blade Runner, running around in a bikini and a see-through raincoat? She's been
working since the sixties, but she still has some FINE bone structure, if
you know what I mean. Okay, that was quick one, so let's get back to
it.
[fading] I forgive Joanna for doing Vampire in Brooklyn. I
forgive everybody for doing "Vampire in Brooklyn." I try not to hold
grudges. It's not healthy."
"Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" Commercial Break
#7
"Man, that was fast. Did they sneak an extra commercial
break in on us? Hey, you know that kid Kenny? He's the grandson of Jackie
Coogan--big kid actor, and then Uncle Fester on The Addams Family. Keith
Coogan also starred in the other babysitting classic, "Adventures in
Babysitting." That's another one some greenhorn at TNT programming will
probly send our way.
Okay, ask me how happy I am about Christina
Applegate wearing all these baggy dresses down to her knees. I mean, we're
finally getting a TINY bit of skin, but frankly, I think watching an old
"Married With Children" re-run would be better than this. All right, let's
get to the conclusion of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead."
[fading] I understand Christina wears a little St. Pauli
Girl barmaid dress in her new show. Why couldn't they get THAT costume
designer for this movie?"
*** Tonight's host segments continue, with Wes Craven's Deadly Friend
Fun facts:
This was one of the few comedies from John Carpenter's co-producer of the Halloween movies
In 2004, the prospective jury pool for Robert Blake's murder trial included Harry Shearer (The Simpsons, This Is Spinal Tap) and Christina Applegate. Harry says he got out of it after waiting 8 hours to be called by telling the judge that if he didn't show up for the next taping of The Simpsons he would be sued for breach of contract.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. After that we'll be showing Wes
Craven's answer to Halloween, "Deadly Friend." And when the movies
are over, just leave the remains of whatever you've eaten right there on
the couch. I mean, why not? It's okay in movie theaters, why shouldn't you
do it at home?