Adventures in Babysitting (1987)

Well, aren't we just ADORABLE tonight? Aren't we cute? Another babysitting movie. My favorite sub-genre of American film comedy. Remember when we showed Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, featuring Christina Applegate covered from head to toe in some kind of Cambodian resistance fighter wardrobe from the eighties? Well, tonight, we have Adventures in Babysitting, featuring Elizabeth Shue in the wardrobe that they had left over. And we'll follow that with Grim, the 1995 winner about a buncha yuppies who go into a cave and get chased by a pizza-faced monster. It's during that flick that you'll find out what the word "spelunker" means.

Actually, "Adventures in Babysitting" is not too bad once you get into it. It's the story of a 24-year-old high school senior who takes a couple a brats to the mean city of Chicago to pick up her whiney best friend, where they get harassed by one-armed truckers, car thieves, mobsters, gangs, frat boys and squirrelly-headed blues musicians. Let's do those drive-in totals. We have:
No dead bodies.
No breasts.
One blow-out.
Adultery.
Car theft.
Toe-stabbing.
French restaurant fu.
Gratuitous blues improv.
Not a lot of numbers -- this IS a Disney movie.
Two and a half stars. Check it out, and I'll be here with you as we go along.

INTERCOM: Joe Bob?
Not now.
INTERCOM: Bring me a little bubbly, sweetie.
Not now. And you drank all the champagne.
INTERCOM: Bubbly for my bubbles in my bubbledy-bath.
Miss Verona.
INTERCOM: I've asked you to call me Kim.
Yes you have. Kim. Don't be nekkid right now, okay?
INTERCOM: Whatever you say, dear.

[fading] If any parents are watching right now, I just ruined their kids' chances of ever having one of those rope swings, didn't I? Sorry, guys. I love children. "Do you think you'd ever wanna have kids, Joe Bob?"
"Oh yeah, sure, sometime in the future, one of these decades, absolutely."

It's the ole car thief with the heart of gold, isn't it? Chicago's full of those guys. This is one of the 9,000 teen movies from the eighties that take place in Chicago. I think John Hughes started it, with Sixteen Candles. Then you've got "The Breakfast Club," "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," Risky Business, "Lucas." We don't have time to list em all. Anyhow, this movie was helmed -- that's what they say out here in Hollywood, "helmed" -- by John Hughes' director of choice, Chris Columbus, who was making his deerectorial daybut at the age of 28. Working out all the kinks in his technique so he could do the mega-whammo hit Home Alone. Loves to do those damn lip-synching scenes. Remember the one in Stepmom?

[fading] Susan Sarandon dies for two hours while Julia Roberts steals her kids away, but Susan Sarandon doesn't mind cause . . . I forget why she doesn't mind. But before she dies, she sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" into a hairbrush. Right? What's that song they sing around the table at "My Best Friend's Wedding"? Was that the same guy? Oh yeah -- "I Say a Little Prayer for YOoooooo." Okay, I'm grossing everybody out.

The great Albert Collins, bluesman from Leona, Texas. That was certainly a realistic scene, wasn't it? All the black folk getting down with the pimply-face suburban dorks who turn out to have blues inside after all. "The Babysitting Blues." Shades of the Chuck Berry scene in "Back to the Future." That's Keith Coogan as the pimple-faced brother, Brad. By "brother" I mean their ACTUAL brother, not . . . well, let's not go there. We talked about Keith being Jackie Coogan's grandson when we showed Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. Isn't that ironic -- Keith Coogan is in TWO babysitting movies. Actually, that's not irony. That's . . . what is that? Is it coincidence? Or is it one of those facts that looks like it means something, but it doesn't mean squat? Okay, here's something interesting.

You guys been to Toronto? Toronto is one of the cleanest cities in the WORLD. So this movie is made in Toronto, and for that scene we just showed, they had the art director create a sleazy back alley for them to run down and into the blues club. Only, when it came time to shoot the scene, the Toronto Sanitation Department had come by and CLEANED UP THE ALLEY. So they had to go raid Dumpsters in the area to find enough trash to make a Toronto alley look like a Chicago alley. That's it. I didn't say it was a GREAT story, but if you know Toronto, it's funny.

[fading] Jodie Foster was offered the role of the babysitter, but she turned it down. I don't get it.

Those mean ole gang members called her a "witch." They kept calling her a witch, over and over again. No wonder she had to pull a knife on em. Somehow, I think some word that rhymes with "witch" was in the original version of this movie. Okay, little cameo back there by the director's wife as the hooker that Daryl wants to have a little date with. Kind of ironic that Anthony Rapp, who plays Daryl, who was also in the original cast of "Rent," turns out to be gay. Isn't that ironic. By the way, I'm trying to set the record tonight for use of the word "ironic." And speaking of closets, it's time for "Joe Bob's Advice to the Hopeless," where we read the letters from our most coherent viewers, [enters] and to help us out is Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl.

RUSTY: What do you mean, "speaking of closets"?
That's where I want you to hide if Miss Verona comes downstairs.
RUSTY: Can I ask why?
Cause she won't like seeing me with you.
RUSTY: I'm not "with you."
Good. Excellent. Keep that up.
RUSTY: Here's a letter from Shannon Few in Grantville, Pennsylvania.
[very girlish handwriting; envelope is brightly colored and covered with stickers of frogs and Tigger] Wow, look at all these stickers. Can you guys see this?

"Dear Mr. Briggs,
"Hi, my name is Shannon Few and I am 15 years old. I live in Grantville, Pennsylvania. I watch 'MonsterVision' every Saturday night! I love it! And I look forward to it all week long! Right now 'Maximum Overdrive' is on! My mom said you need to come up with something better than that! Sorry to say, but 'Maximum Overdrive' really does suck! Your show really inspires me, because I want to be a funeral director when I get out of school! Maybe someday I can embalm you! It would be a real honor! [Rusty laughs silently] A few days ago I saw a man who was wearing a 'Joe Bob Briggs' jacket! He said he got it from you! I was wondering if you would send me one? And when I get my own funeral home, I will put your jacket in a showcase, where everybody can see it! It would be in honor of you! And I would put a golden plaque in with the jacket saying, 'In honor of Joe Bob Briggs, my inspiration and hero!' I have a question! Why do you only show 'Phantasm 2'? Why don't you show all 3 of the Phantasm movies? Well I have to go now!
"Love your biggest fan!
"Shannon Few!"

Shannon, that's the nicest offer of embalmment I've ever received. The reason we've only shown Phantasm II is that we didn't own the first one. But guess what? We plunked down the big bucks and got it for you. We're showing both of em during my big Halloween special on October 30th, along with a couple other great flicks. You might wanna try our website for the jacket--we've got all kinds of things in there. What's the new address again?
RUSTY: tnt-dot-turner-dot-com-slash-joebob. [takes letter, looks at stickers] You've got some interesting women in your life.
What do you mean?
RUSTY: [exiting] Say hi to Kim for me. [exits]
Miss Verona, to you. Also Miss Verona to me.

Another geographically-confused musical cameo -- that was Southside Johnny Lyon and the Jukes taking up gratuitous screen time at the frat party. He's one of these Springsteen types outta Asbury Park, New Jersey, obviously didn't made it quite that big. Did you guys recognize the sexy drunk girl making out with Daryl? Lolita Davidovich. Course, if you didn't recognize her, her name probly doesn't mean didley, either, so what the hay. How about Vincent D'Onofrio as Thor? Bleached his hair for the role. Do we care? Men in Black? "Full Metal Jacket"? No one cares. Let's move on.

[fading] Penelope Ann Miller making her film debut as the hysterical friend at the bus station. Any interest there? No. Okay.

Okay, so the eight-year-old brat is hanging off a 45-story skyscraper, but, let's not tell Mom and Dad. Why? Because . . . it's the eighties! And it's a teen movie, and it takes place in Chicago, and that's the way things worked in the eighties in teen movies that took place in Chicago. Don't you guys know that? Everybody knows that. Teens in the eighties used words like "half-pint." Don't waste your time, half-pint. He actually said that, didn't he? I mean, when they were writing the script, they said, "I know, he could call him . . . a half-pint!" And most people would go, Naw, tear that one up. But they LEFT IT IN. All right, I'm kinda ready for these kids to give the Playboy back and go home and hit the hay, so let's roll the eighties Chicago teen movie conclusion to "Adventures in Babysitting," after the ads.
INTERCOM: Joe Bob?
Yes, Miss Verona?
INTERCOM: Honey, could you come up here and bring my loofah?
You know, I was JUST headed out the door to buy you some more Epsom salts. [takes out keys and jiggles them into intercom] You just do your best. I'll be back soon. [exits]
INTERCOM: Darling, I don't need any more Epsom salts. Joe Bob? Which color toenail polish do you like better? Magenta or burnt orange?

Did we REALLY wanna see her kiss the frat-boy weenie at the end? I don't think so. Okay, next week I have to drive a certain someone out to Laughlin, Nevada, for her 30-year soap opera reunion, but the week after that, we're showing the classic Hitchcock flick The Birds, and we'll be joined by none other than the beautiful and talented Tippi Hedren.