Monstervision Host Segments for

The Guyver (1992)

I'd rather kiss a Wookie






"The Guyver" Intro

Hey, Joe Bob Briggs, and throw your remote away, cause do we have a treat for you tonight. Not one, but TWO Mark Hamill movies.

Yes, indeed, it's mutant fist-fights galore in "The Guyver," followed by the 1993 Canadian Terminator rip-off, "Time Runner".

The Guyver movie posterSpeaking of fist fights, have you noticed how many things can CAUSE fist fights these days? I mean, things that used to be considered NORMAL, and even POLITE, but now they're grounds for fights, lawsuits, and general UGLINESS. For example, the words "Excuse me." "Excuse me" used to be what you would say if you were trying to be nice.
But watch what happens today if somebody is standing in the middle of the grocery aisle, and you can't get by, and so you say "Excuse me." You've just DISTURBED that guy. You've just invaded his peace of mind. You've just upset his RIGHT TO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GROCERY AISLE. A FIST FIGHT is possible.
Another example: shushing in movie theaters. I'm a big advocate of shushing. I'm a championship shusher. Of course, you can only use the shush if you are four seats or less away from the loudmouth. Any farther away than that, and you bother everbody EXCEPT the talker. Anyhow, my point is that shushing can cause FIST FIGHTS. Shushing used to cause SHAME. That's why people did it. You would shush somebody, and the person would think, "Gee whiz, was I talkin that loud?" And it would be OVER. Today, people wanna ARGUE WITH THE SHUSHER!

I took a trip on Amtrak with my buddy Randy and his girlfriend. A couple of 12-year-olds kept running up and down the aisle, disturbing everyone's sleep, and so Randy finally said, "Hey, you boys decide where you're gonna sit. You're botherin everybody." And they were MAD ABOUT IT! They wanted to argue, defy, yell at him about their rights.
I had to wade into it myself. The conductor had to be notified.
The boys had to be threatened with being put off the train before order was restored. All because they were doing something EVERYBODY regards as DUMB. Listen up, people. When I was 12 years old, I ran up and down aisles, until grown-ups made me stop. I've been known to block a grocery aisle. I've been known to talk too loud in a movie theater. The only difference is that, when somebody pointed out what a JERK I was being, I just apologized and went on with life.
I didn't think I had to fight my way back into respectability. We're gonna get in each other's way, talk too loud and irritate the public peace. That's why we have words like "Excuse me" and "Hey, hold it down over there" and "I'd preciate it if you'd put a lid on it"--so that we can all get on through life WITHOUT havin FIST FIGHTS. What changed? Did we run out of REAL stuff to fight over? Let's lighten up a little, okay?

And speaking of flicks you'll wanna hear every word of, The Guyver is an excellent example of the dark side of Mark Hamill's post-"Star Wars" career. It's about this appliance that turns you into a big metal insect when you stick it on your forehead, which is what happens to this young kung-fu student --NOT played by Mark Hamill--and these hip-hop monsters come after him--also not Mark Hamill --and an evil corporate meanie threatens to turn his girlfriend into a giant slug-- neither of whom are played by Mark Hamill. So what does Mark Hamill do in this movie?

Well, I'm not rightly sure.
I'll do the drive-in totals at the first break.

[fading] This is one of those movies where they got carried away with the monster special effects and they forgot there might be actual PEOPLE watching. Some of these effects nerds, they spend so much time in their apartments that they start hallucinating about EVERYTHING, you know.
They think their landlady is a Zoanoid."


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #1

"Okaaaay, pretty promising start. We got some nasty slimy monsters and the gratuitous evil corporate executive played by David Gale as only David Gale can play it. How many times did he do that same role? Twenty? Can you tell this is based on a comic book? It's got that over-the-top acting going on. It's kind of a hybrid of Asian and American styles. That's because the producer got all these investors for the film from Japan, Korea and Taiwan, who were making a ton of movies in Hong Kong and Japan, but they weren't really thrilled with em, they wanted the ole Hollywood touch. BUT they also didn't want to give up control to some runny-nosed USC film school grad, so they hired two Asian directors, Screaming Mad George, this crazy Japanese punk guy who went to art school in New York, known for wearing Ninja clothes and make-up, and Steve Wang, who was born in Taiwan but basically grew up in California. And they hired Vivian Wu, who's Chinese, and Mark Hamill, who they figured gave em that Hollywood thing, even though at this point, eight years after "Return of the Jedi," Mark was going through a pretty big dry spell, the old unexplained gap in the resume, if you know what I mean. Anyhow, I don't know if they really carry the whole thing off like they do in Big Trouble in Little China, which we had on MonsterVision a while back, also done in that kung-fu comic-book style, but I think more successfully.
Those drive-in totals; We have:
Eleven dead bodies.
Two furry breasts.
Arm breaking.
Leg breaking.
Gang tossing.
Arm ripping.
Saw blade to the head.
Knee to the groin.
Head-butting.
Eye-poking.
Ear rolls.
Exploding Zoanoid.
Imploding Zoanoids.
Multiple fist fights.
Kung fu.
Microscope fu.
Two stars. Check it out, and I'll be here for a full night of Luke Skywalker reminiscing. Okay, let's get back to "The Guyver."

[fading] The great Michael Berryman almost pulling his own eyeball out at the end of that last segment. He's made a career outta lookin like a mutant before he even gets to the make-up trailer. Casting directors have him in their permanent Rolodex under Crazy-Looking-Guys. First seen, if I'm not mistaken, in "The Hills Have Eyes," one of Wes Craven's very early films, and one of his best. Michael Berryman was the head nuclear-mutated baby-eating cannibal. He's been riding that ever since, hasn't he?"


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #2

"So Sean is now "The Guyver." I think they must've purposely cast a kid who looks kinda like Mark Hamill, cause on the poster they had Mark Hamill's name real big across the top, and then they had a picture of the kid with half his face covered up by the guyver mask so you pretty much think THAT'S Mark. This was probly to make up for the fact that they sold the movie idea to the suits in Taiwan by telling em they got Luke Skywalker, but they didn't tell em that Luke Skywalker was forty years old and wasn't exactly in tip-top kung fu shape. Not that this kid they GOT knows any actual aikido--you guys notice that any time there threatens to be a kung fu scene, it turns into a brawl after about two seconds?

Okay, let's keep it going.

[fading] You know that little scene at the Chinese gal's apartment when there's a knock at the door and Mark Hamill tells her "Be careful," so she opens the door without looking through the peephole or using the chain or anything? That's a big part of the South Korean cinema--a reckless disregard for danger.
Of course, that gal, Vivian Wu, has a reckless disregard for ACTING. That scene was PAINFUL.

"The Guyver? What is that?"


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #3

"It's an HOMAGE. It's an HOMAGE to Invaders From Mars. Right? The little holes in the back of the neck? And then we have Jimmy "JJ" Walker, as the gold-neck-chain monster, wandering onto a movie set so the filmmakers can spoof their own movie. They love to do that, don't they? And that was, of course, Linnea Quigley doing a cameo as the screamer.

If you're new to the planet, Linnea is one of the great B-movie queens, appearing in "Silent Night, Deadly Night," Return of the Living Dead, "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers," "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama," the list goes on and on. "Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout," where she teaches aerobics to a bunch of zombie bimbos.
Great flick.
And speaking of great flicks, I wish we had one tonight--I mean, let's get back to the one we have tonight. Roll it.

[fading] Do you gals like Mark Hamill with the mustache? I'm not sure if he's trying for the Old West look, or the West Hollywood look, or what. Somebody told me he grew it to cover up the damage from some big car accident he was in. But we'll talk about that next break. This flick is too good to hold up. Vivian Wu has another big emotional moment coming up. Boy can that girl EMOTE."


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #4

"Enough monsters for you? At least we won't get any hate mail tonight. "Joe Bob, what happened to the MONSTERS! That's not a MONSTER MOVIE! Why do you call it "MONSTER Vision?" So we've GOT your goldang monsters tonight, okay? It's not that EASY to come up with 104 monster movies a year, you know? But here's a question: Why do these kung fu guys think it's faster to back-flip sixteen times over to their opponent than just RUN over to him? I'd really like someone to answer that for me.

Anyhow, I'm sure you're all wondering, So what happened to Mark Hamill? I mean besides get written out of this movie, which seems to be the case. First of all, he was supposedly in this so-called debilitating accident after "Star Wars" where he crashed his brand-new BMW and messed up his looks and his career.
But people forget that it was after "Star Wars," but BEFORE The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi and of course, my favorite, "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia." His nose looked a little different afterwards, but he didn't turn into a freak or anything.

It was really after "Jedi" that he had his slump, and he chalked it up to being too old to play kids, and too young-looking to play anyone who'd had a life. By this time he was married, and they moved to New York so Mark could do Broadway--he did "The Elephant Man" for a few weeks, and "Amadeus," but that didn't get him too far. And when he got back to El Lay, people had forgotten about him.

I mean, he'd get offers to do cameos on The Muppet Show (as both Luke Skywalker and himself), stuff like that.
One of his most famous appearances was in a "Simpsons" episode where they do a production of "Guys and Dolls" and he sings "Luck Be A Jedi Tonight." Anyway, then he hit on voice-over work, and became the official voice of The Joker in the "Batman" cartoon, and then he started doin ALL KINDS of animated stuff, some of it pretty cool, like Ren and Stimpy and "Cow and Chicken." And if you don't watch TV with your kids on Saturday mornings, you probly have no idea how much Mark Hamill works these days. "The Incredible Hulk," Scooby Doo on Zombie Island-- this guy is no has-been.
He works more than most of the actors EYE know.
Okay, there's your Mark Hamill update. Back to "The Guyver."

[fading] It's an ironic counterpoint to Mark's problem after Star Wars of being typecast as the goodie-good that he now gets typecast as flamboyant bad guys in the animation world. Ironic counterpoint-- you like that? It means "stuff that I thought of that you didn't."


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #5

"Oh good, an Exposition Scene by the lecherous Chairman of the Board--and only an hour and a half into the movie! So let me get this straight: aliens created man as a weapon, but they weren't really men, they were werewolves and vampires.
But most of em were men. They BECAME monsters. Somehow. And the aliens also created the Guyver, which not only contains a made-to-order Robocop suit, but it also spews intestinal goop as a way to clone itself. Is that about right? It still doesn't make any sense, but I think that's what he said. David Gale as the lascivious corporate weenie. "Lascivious," meaning "licking one's fingers after feeling up a captive Chinese girl who never learned how to whimper in acting class." You guys may know David from "Reanimator" and "Bride of Reanimator." And those of you familiar with those flicks probly also recognized the cameo by Jeffrey Combs as Dr. East--he played Herbert WEST in the Reanimator movies. Little inside joke there.
Okay, let's go see what Mark Hamill's being turned into in the mutant lab. Roll it.

[fading] These evil corporate-types always want to get into the White House. Why? Why don't they ever try to take over Alan Greenspan's office? Wouldn't that be more effective?
"We have a secret mutant Alan Greenspan clone. Alan Greenspan is at this very moment being held in suspended animation in a glass cubicle somewhere in the catacombs underneath Bill Gates' mansion. In fact, Bill Gates is a mutant."
Bill Gates MIGHT be a mutant, you know?


"The Guyver" Commercial Break #6

"Lots of running and fighting and sparks flying in that last part. And what would a mutant alien B-movie be without an homage to Alien? Homage--that's another word for overt rip-off. That was actually a double-homage, with the Jaws motif thrown in there. Ripping off two movies at the SAME TIME--that's not easy to do, lemme tell ya. Anyhow, you know what just occurred to me is that these guys who change into monsters three times a day must really go through the wardrobe, with all that clothes-ripping that goes with the territory. I always wondered about that with Superman--how he could afford to replace his street clothes so often.

Did he have like a little fanny pack under his cape or something where he stashed his suit?
You know? Someone's gotta think of these things.
Okay, let's go see how this baby ends.

[fading] Use the Force, Luke! How many times do you think Mark Hamill's heard THAT in his life? 8 or 9 Jillion? Mark, if you're watching, I just have one thing to say about that: "Use the Force, Luke!" 9 Jillion and one."


"The Guyver" Outro

"When the evil Chronos president grabs her, she doesn't even REACT. It's like, "Should I stand here while you hold me hostage?" Great roaring-ram lizard-monster there at the end, though. Am I the only one who was uncomfortable when the two of em were sittin there staring at the guy's wangdoodle? Could that have gone on any longer? And what was really weird is that after she gave him the lab coat and he got up to leave, he had tennies on. How come the guyver cloned his tennis shoes, but it didn't clone him any underwear? Anyhow, that was The Guyver, and there IS a Guyver 2--I'm sure you're all gonna be out lookin for that one."

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Host segment transcript of 3/13/99 broadcast
1999 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved