Mike Nelson of Mystery Science Theater 3000 reviews:

Batman Forever (1995)

Riddle me this, riddle me that
Now here's Mike Nelson:

"Batman Forever proved once and for all that the makers of Batman - namely Warner Brothers, Tim Burton, and Burton's handpicked protege, Joel Schumacher - despise all of humanity, actively work for the death of joy, and attempt to convince mostly impeccant children that the world is a black, violent, unstable place tottering precariously on the edge of unthinkable evil, their immortal souls in the hands of a lonely, basement-dwelling bachelor wearing a rubber codpiece. I'm guessing that at any one time in Los Angeles alone, there are hundreds of lonely, basement-dwelling men wearing rubber codpieces, but not for a minute do I believe that humanity is beholden to them in any way."

"Batman Forever starred the allegedly pig-headed Val Kilmer, a mostly talent-free individual who has somehow gotten the opposite impression and therefore terrorizes movie sets with Kathleen Battle-like impertinence. Aside from filling out his Marquis de Sade Signature Collection leather and rubber jumpsuit, he really made no impression on me at all."

"No despised film would be complete without the twisted Plasticine form of the Horned One himself, Jim Carrey, and Batman Forever delivers 33% more Jim Carrey than our 12-ounce size!"

"Given my strong reaction, perhaps I'm not the audience for any of the Batman movies. My guess is the perfect audience member is under eight. And drunk. And asleep. And a lover of all that is evil."

"If you are a narcoleptic, alcoholic seven-year-old, I can heartily recommend the Batman series entire!"

Batman Forever is available on on DVD from Amazon.com

Books by Michael Nelson available from Amazon.com include Movie Megacheese (now out of print but they've got some used ones for sale). Mike's episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are available from Amazon.com on video and on DVD, and he co-wrote the book

The last time I checked they had several used copies of Megacheese for sale. I won't sell you my copy. Don't even ask. I haven't read the Jackie Chan chapter yet, or even the Van Damme chapter and you know how much I like Van Dammege. "The Muscles from Brussels. Kick boxer. Actor. Restauranteur. Dumber than a bag of hammers...Makes Steven Seagal look like Richard Burbage." Well ok, I did read the intro to the Van Damme chapter...

Megacheesy movies air from time to time on the SciFi Channel and USA Network

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2000 Michael J. Nelson. All rights reserved, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles & reviews. Mike Nelson currently lives in Minneapolis with his wife and two kids, where his hobbies include laughing at the statue of Mary Tyler Moore erected there by TV Land.

The Bat Signal is not a beeper (Val Kilmer)