Cathy fatally shot her mother
today, then turned her handgun on
herself. She was 44.
According to her father, the shoot
ings, climaxed several hours of
arguing and screaming, much of it
cnetering on Cathy's failure to
marry and produce grandchildren.
"It was the endless nagging that
drove her over the edge," said her
father. "I problably could have pre
vented it, but being a gutless wimp,
it would have been out of character
Cathy's string of failed romances were well-documented. After a rocky relationship with Irving, she grew desperate and began search- ing for a life partner in other strips. She moved in with Dilbert, but his caring inexperience and lack of earning potential proved disas trous. Her final attempt at a rel ationship was a short-lived liaison with Sylvia. Cathy will be buried, some distance from her mother, in a bathing suit two sizes too small.
19, A Bloating Victim Garfield the cat, 19, died yesterday of excessive bloating. "He couldn't control his eating," said his owner Jon Arbuckle. "In the past few months his weight ballooned to over 80 pounds. He'd waddle a couple of steps or so, then collapse from the weight." An autopsy performed today revealed that Garfield's stomach contained a partly digested pizza, half a chocolate donut, the remains of a carp, three Twinkies and several body parts identified as once belonging to Odie the dog. Following the funeral, Arbuckle intends to reassemble Garfield's corpse and permanently attach it to the rear window of his car.
Waldo, 36, is missing and presumed dead. "We Gave up looking for him years ago." Said a spokesman for a local search team. "In the past we'd scour the earth, buy every time we'd find him he'd take off again. Finally, we put his picture on a mild carton and said the hell with it." Other reactions were mixed." It was a case of sibling rivalry," said Carmen Sandiego a half-sister. "Waldo tried to outdo me by hiding in shopping malls and outdoor rock concerts. These had no educational value, so it's no wonder people stopped caring." "The little deadbeat owed us for 20,000 tasseled caps, said a spokesman for the Acme Headgear Co. "Now we're filing for bankruptcy, thanks to him." A memorial service for Waldo will be held at 11 a.m. tomorrow at an unspecified location. Those wishing to attend will have to find it for themselves. Waldo pages
Dilbert D. Dilbert, 43, noted office underling, interfaced with death today. Mortal downsizing was attributed to his suffocation, cause by lack of ventilation in his windowless cubicle.
According to company spokesman, Dilbert was found slumped over his mouse pad. His e-mail requests for assistance had been sent to several colleagues, but the network server, like Dilbert, was down.
Dilbert's existence was not a high company priority," the spokesman said, "His departure, for which he had no authorization, will happily have no effect on quarterly earnings. It will, however, cause us to reevaluate his job performance rating."
Dilbert is survived by colleagues, Dogbert, Ratbert, and Catbert, none of whom cared to make themselves available for comment.
According to Dilbert's wishes, he will be interred in a coffin with a corner window. Mourners are asked to send memos in lieu of flowers.Dilbert Zone
Amazing Spider-Man, 71, Dies in Nursing Home
Dies in Nursing Home
The Amazing Spider-Man, 71, hanged himself in the Super Heroes Nursing Home today, according to a report on the World wide Web.
"W found him dangling from his own filaments, a spokesman said. "It was the prettiest noose you'd ever want to see."
Once a leading crime fighter, Spiderman had been suffering from severe depression following the decline in popularity of his daily comic strip. Though he tried to scale new heights, he never enjoyed the success of his more "Ever time he saw a Superman T-shirt of a Batman lunch box he'd sink a little deeper," the spokesman said. "He hit bottom with news that Arnold Schwarzenegger had signed for Batman IV."
It was planned that Spider-Man would be laid to best in the Super Heroes Mausoleum, but due to his lack of merchandising success he will be interred in the small-times annex.
Beetle Bailey, 66, Dies;
Was Army's Oldest Private
Beetle Bailey, the only Army enlisted man to serve 47 years as a private, was pronounced dead today at 1400 hours. However, exact time of death has yet to be determined.
"I found him in his bunk unconscious, which for him was normal, said Sgt. Orville Snorkel at Camp Swampy. "I tried punching him awake, but he wouldn't come around. I figured he was faking a coma to get out of latrine duty. I got a little concerned when rigor mortis set in, but I figured he was faking that too. He could have been dead for a week, for all I know."
Bailey, who joined the Army in 1950, had a long history of service related ailments. During the Korean War he complained of acute combat fatigue, and during the Vietnam conflict, has often hospitalized for post-traumatic stress. Following treatment for shell shock during the invasion of Grenada, he spent six months on sick leave in 1990, the result of Desert Storm syndrome.
These claims of illness remain open to question. According to Pentagon records, Bailey spent his entire Army career at Camp Swampy.
Bailey qualified for promotion to PFC on 21 occasions. Each time he refused concerned about the strain and pressures of added responsibility.
Befitting his rank, funeral services will be private. To honor Bailey's death, all Army posts will fly their flags at full mast.
Melissa's Elmer Fudd Page
Tweety Bird, died yesterday at the age of fifteen. Sylvester had finally got a hold of the bird while old granny was not looking. The beloved birdie will be buried in the Bird Cage on Saturday Morning.
Memorials may be sent to: "You Bad Ole Puddy Cat Foundation". If you have any questions please call-- 1-800-BYE-BIRD
He wasn't the smartest duck.
He also had very bad luck.
His tempers were not the nicest they coudl be.
As you can see.
His tempers got the best of him.
Now his life is over and dim.
Do you know that rabbit named Bugs Bunny?
He was pretty funny.
Carrots were his favorite dish.
And he only had one wish.
Which was to be with Bags Bunny
Who he liked to call honey.
He spits when he talks.
And he eats anything that walks.
He was a very fat pig.
He was very big.
He ate too much one day.
And here you see him lay.
Scooby-Doo where are you?
This was the common question asked by best friend Shaggy.
Scooby died today while out looking for
a Scooby snack. He died of fright, when a ghost
appeared which later
was proven to be a cover up disquise for a Bank President trying
to steal money.
Attending the funeral will be best friend Shaggy, co-workers Freddy, Thelma, and Dafney. Also a close relative Scooby's nephew Scrappy, will be among the mourners. He will be buried at the pet cemetery 12:00 A.M.
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