A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
"Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus."
It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat,
Sue's three-year-old son had to stay home
from church with a babysitter.
When the family returned home
carrying palm branches,
he asked what they were for?
His mother explained, "People held them
over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed.
"The one Sunday I didn't go, he showed up!"
I have a spelling checker. It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're laks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does not phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too please.
10. You get a threatening note made up of letters
cut out of a magazine with pinking shears,
and they're all the same size, the same font,
and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house
that looks exactly like your split-level,
right down to the fallen licorice downspout
and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove
in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace',
with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and
a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri
follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin
in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat,
your place setting always includes
an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim
of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion
and endive stuffing in every orifice.
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun
pointed squarely at your temple.
***No offense Martha, but we are NOT perfect.***
lions and great wizards of emerald cities,
I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork
involved when your house lands on a witch.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it awhile ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear
to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing, or building something,
all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something
and put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken it's yours
(No, the pieces are probably still mine.)
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details
.....beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 AM PST.
Lord help me to consider people's feelings,
.....even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.
Lord help me to take responsibility for my own actions,
.....even though they're usually NOT my fault.
Lord, help me to not try to RUN everything.
.....But, if You need some help,
please feel free to ASK me!
Lord, help me to be more laid back,
.....and help me to do it EXACTLY right.
Lord help me to take things more seriously,
.....especially laughter, parties, and dancing.
Lord give me patience,
.....and I mean right NOW!
Lord help me not be a perfectionist.
.....(Did I spell that correctly?)
Lord, help me to finish everything I sta
Lord, help me to keep my mind on one Th --
.....Look, a bird -- ing at a time.
Lord help me to do only what I can,
and trust you for the rest.
.....And would you mind putting that in writing?
Lord keep me open to others' ideas,
.....WRONG though they may be.
Lord help me be less independent,
.....but let me do it my way.
Lord help me follow established procedures today.
.....On second thought,
I'll settle for a few minutes.
Lord, help me slow down
Two other lesser known prayers though are a
little girl saying:
"Give us this day our jelly bread." (unknown)
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer -
......A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." (Bill Gates, 1981)
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs,
....then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal
...capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
Real programmers don't document.
....If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
I may not be totally perfect,....but parts of me are excellent
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than
200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan
the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound boy
wearing a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however,
to spread paint on all four walls
of a 20 by 20 foot room.
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up
when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat
you have to throw the ball up
a few times before you get a hit. (unknown)
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