How do they get the deer
to cross at that yellow sign?
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
Another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by your printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and
be sure to tell your mom!
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once,
But they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some day's you're the dog,
and some day's you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.
15. Old programmers never die.
They just terminate and stay resident.
16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me,
it's the sudden stop at the end.
20. It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
21. Living on Earth is expensive,
But it does include a trip around the sun.
22. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.
23. If God wanted me to touch my toes,
He would have put them on my knees.
24. Never knock on death's door,
ring the bell and run (he hates that).
25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
26.When you are finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone else decide to play chess.
27. If you are living on the edge,
make sure your wearing your seatbelt.
28. Jury: Twelve people who determine
which client has the better attorney.
29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
31. It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
1. The two most common elements in the universe
are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes
misery easier to live with.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill.
Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels
faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays
leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered
that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam,
you will forget your book.
11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test,
you will forget where you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right
the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty
than brains because the average man
can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their
vitality by moving from where you left them
to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.
(Sent by Bob Baker)
One day his youngest son was sitting
in his first grade class as the teacher
was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story
where the first pig was trying to
acquire building materials for his home.
She said "...And so the pig went up to the man
with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said
'Parden me sir, but might I have
some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class
"And what do you think that man said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said
"I know! I know!
He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach
for the next 10 minutes.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle
he would take two steps,
stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd,
he would put his hands up like claws and roar...
so it went, step, step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR
all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine,
the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard
by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however,
was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing,
and was also near tears
by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing,
the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear!"
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear,
you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people,
they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger,
the tiger starves last.
Nothing is impossible for the man
who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan
will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work
in the past tense.
In any organization there is one person
who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
For every action there is an equal
and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings
the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along
would have destroyed civilization.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight
up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur
BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food,
before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of clean carpet in the house
when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face
after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
wet nose on her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush
and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones,
or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on
having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark
each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear
and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he
reaches in for Mom's driver's license & registration.
In school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane
I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean?
Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
Are you really invisible
or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven
if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that
or was it an accident? -Norma
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church.
Is that okay? -Neil
What does it mean You are a Jealous God?
I thought You had everything. -Jane
Did you really mean
"do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did,
then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla
Thank you for the baby brother,
but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
It rained for our whole vacation
and is my father mad!
He said some things about You that people
are not supposed to say, but I hope You
will not hurt him anyway. Your friend
(But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest. -Tom L.
Please send me a pony.
I never asked for anything before,
You can look it up. -Bruce
If we come back as something -
please don't let me be Jennifer Horton
because I hate her. -Denise
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin,
I will give you anything you want,
except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
My brother is a rat.
You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had
their own rooms.
It works with my brother. -Larry
I want to be just like my Daddy
when I get big but not with so much
hair all over. -Sam
You don't have to worry about me.
I always look both ways. -Dean
I think the stapler is
one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
I think about You sometimes
even when I'm not praying. -Elliott
I bet it is very hard for You
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it. -Nan
Of all the people who work for You
I like Noah and David the best.-Rob
My brother told me about being born
but it doesn't sound right.
They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha
If You watch me in church Sunday,
I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
I would like to live 900 years
like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in Sunday school they said You did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
The bad people laughed at Noah -
"You made an ark on dry land you fool."
But he was smart, he stuck with You.
That's what I would do. -Eddie
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD.
Well, I just want You to know
but I am not just saying that
because You are GOD already. -Charles
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.
That was cool! -Eugene
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives,
where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night
and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear
about gruntled employees?
And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need
to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam,
what do you pack it in?
Do they have reserved parking
for non-handicapped people
at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals
don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season,
why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World
a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it
for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound,
isn't that why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today
and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control
when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings,
do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings,
when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments,
when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a
"non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything,
and scientists say that the universe is expanding,
what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi
and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like
if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest
and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide
why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior
when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research
when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables,
what do humanitarians eat?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar,
but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars
and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint
and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets
with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro,"
then what is the opposite of progress?
Why does lemon juice contain mostly
artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes
2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag
and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when
they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker
who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the
winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face
to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right,
just who's left.
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