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Our Life Now
I wanted to
write a new page about how our lives have changed over the last three
years since Georgiana received her angel wings.
It is so hard to try and sum up the trials and tribulations of
living with a huge void, an incompleteness.
After Georgiana’s death I was in shock.
I can’t speak for my husband, but I can assume it was the same
for him. The reality of her
death did not truly hit until about 3 months after.
Oh, but when it hit, it hit full throttle. The pain was
paralyzing. I
could never find one word to describe the pain, the emptiness, or the
sadness that filled every waking second of the day and night.
Although we knew Georgiana was not going to survive, there is no
preparation for losing your child.
I’ve often been told that I was lucky enough to have been able
to say “goodbye” because Georgiana’s death was not sudden.
I have always disagreed with this statement, though I appreciate
the sentiments behind what those people have said.
I personally wish the word “goodbye” were not in the English
language. I don’t like
that word because it is so final. I
have NOT said “goodbye” to Georgiana and I NEVER will. I won’t say goodbye to her because she lives within me.
She is in my heart and my soul.
She has made me who I am today.
She is my inspiration, and her love for life is what has kept me
going since her crossover to Heaven. After
Georgiana’s death I became so full of anger.
I wanted nothing, no one, and I did not care what happened.
I became bitter and mean. I
secluded myself from everyone. I
only went to work when I could muster up the strength to get my two feet
out of my bed and onto the floor. I
could not wait for the days to end, because in my mind that was another
day over and one more day closer to being with Georgiana.
I absolutely despised the nighttime.
And with my experience with other bereaved parents this seems to
be a normal reaction. I
suppose the nighttime is a time for family to be together, and this was
never going to be possible again.
I would go to bed early so I didn’t have to face the
nighttime. I would sleep as
much as I possibly could. If
I slept I didn’t have to feel anything and that is what I wanted.
I did not want to feel this pain.
It worked…for a little while. I needed the sleep, because I had not gotten much for the 4 months prior when Georgiana was fighting cancer. After the endless days and nights of sleep came the complete opposite…insomnia! I went from one extreme to the other. I remember being up all night long and then going to work. I was a complete zombie and if anyone looked at me crooked I snapped. I would be up all night reliving Georgiana’s last moments in my arms, her last breath and how she looked. It was complete torture because there was no cure for this. There is no cure for bereavement. I will grieve for Georgiana for the rest of my life. I think
the turn around point for me was when I finally agreed to seek grief
counseling which was about a year after Georgiana’s passing. I was
petrified to go the first time. My
heart was racing and I was adamant that nobody was going to make me feel
better. It was impossible!
After a few sessions I actually looked forward to going.
I can see now how much I really needed this help.
I was becoming so physically sick.
Everything hurt. I
had every test there was because I swore there was something wrong with
me. I was hoping there was something wrong because I didn’t
want to be a part of life anymore. I just wanted to be with Georgiana.
But, nothing was ever wrong.
It was all grief and pain that was bottle up.
You simply cannot keep this tremendous amount of pain inside. After a
year-and-a-half of counseling my husband and I found out that we were
going to have a baby. I was
excited and so scared at the same time. All I did was worry about whether or not this baby will
out-live us. Will I be
burying another child one day? I
was excited because I wanted to be needed again in that motherly way.
There is no feeling quite like it and I missed being a mom.
As the baby grew inside and I felt movement I became more
excited. Georgiana once
told my husband and I that she only wanted brothers because she wanted
to be the only girl. She
thought she would get special attention that way (and she would have!). When I found out I was pregnant I knew this baby was going to
be a boy. There was not a
doubt in my mind. An
ultrasound confirmed this, and on February 26, 2003 Gregori Shamus
Phelan Jr. entered our lives. I
truly believe Georgiana (and God!) sent him here. It was so hard
for me to adjust to loving and caring for this new little baby boy.
I instantly fell in love with him the moment he was born, but I
was scared to love this way again.
I think I put up this shield that I swore I would never let down.
I just do not want to hurt anymore.
However, babies have a way of warming your heart and bringing
happiness into your life. Gregori
has brought some joy back into our lives. He gives me a reason to get
out of bed, not to mention he keeps me extremely busy.
One thing in this life that I truly love doing is being a mom.
Gregori has given me another chance at doing what I love and I
love him so much. Though I
cannot stand the fact that Gregori will only know his sister through
pictures and stories, I can keep Georgiana alive through him.
I thank God every single day for giving me my two children.
I pray that one day when my time is over I will get the answers I
so desperately seek regarding Georgiana’s illness, suffering, and
death. I will never
understand why children are chosen to suffer with such a horrendous
illness. I have to have
faith that in time I will know why and that is when Georgiana will be in
my arms again. I think I will always be adjusting to life without Georgiana. I will always reflect on “what should be”. Every holiday, birthday, anniversary, any special occasion, I will forever wonder what Georgiana would be like now or where she would be in life. It will forever be a mystery because she will always be my little girl who will forever remain 7-years-old. As a bereaved mother I can tell you that my greatest fear now is that Georgiana will be forgotten. As time passes people don’t seem to mention her as often. It is music to my ears to hear her name!!! I hope and I pray that everyone who knew her will always remember her for her radiant smile, her beautiful blue eyes, her warmth and affection, her astounding amount of courage and strength, her love for ladybugs, and most of all her love for everyone that knew her. I have been blessed and I am honored to have had Georgiana for the 7 years, 11 months, and 5 days that she graced my life. All I can do now is attempt to do the best I can with the rest of my life on earth and keep Georgiana alive through words and through her little brother Gregori. Thank you to everyone who reads Georgiana’s Courageous Journey! Sincerely, Jennifer Mom to Beautiful Angel Georgiana I love you Georgiana, and I miss you more than words could ever say. You will forever live in my heart and soul. I miss your bear hugs and our snuggle nights. I hope and pray that you are keeping a safe watch over us and that when my time comes you will greet me at the gates of Heaven. Love Always & Forever, Mommy :o( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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