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| "News. As I break it." Miami Harold, Editor |
Volume 1, Issue 14 November 14, 2002 |
| H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R-------A R C H I V E S------S E N D - A - L E T T E R |
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NEW YORK, New York --For the 5th year in a row, baseball's National League awarded their Most Valuable Player trophy to Steroids. "I'd rather be legalized," Roids said after winning his fifth National League MVP. "But this is great. I'm happy, very excited."
TENT CITY, Afghanistan --CBS unveiled it's plans this week to take SURVIVOR to Afghanistan. In a new twist to the game, contestants with the most votes at tribal council have to stay.
MIAMI, Florida --Dude...the line here at Subway is, like, killer.
FIRST LEVEL OF, Hell --Scientests discovered that hell has, indeed, frozen over. They are theorizing that the day hell actually froze over coincides with the very moment Carrot Top became popular.
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Volume 1
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WASHINGTON, District of Colombia -- US President George W. Bush commemorated Veteran's Day this week with his trademark stupidity. He tenderly placed a flag along the Vietnam Wall Monday in Washington, DC and spoke passionately about his father...a man who fought so bravely in Vietnam...a man he never really knew. Later Bush was informed that (a) former President George Bush never fought in Vietnam and (b) was still alive. Bush quickly launched a full investigation in Washington to see if Osama bin Laden released some kind of dumbass gas into the air.
NEW DELHI, India -- American Microsoft Chairman and co-founder Bill Gates announced to the press during a news conference in New Delhi, India this past Monday his intention to give the nation of India 100 kazillion dollars to help fight AIDS. Gates announced that his foundation will contribute money to help fight AIDS in India if and only if the whole country signs up with MSN. To help sweeten the deal, he gave the Indian Prime Minister a CD with 120 free hours on MSN for a 45 day run. When the Prime Minister told Gates that most of his country lived in poverty...and certainly no one had computer access, Gates chuckled and said, "Yeah right...are you freaking serious?"
CORAL GABLES, Florida -- Local man Zhin Lieu has two problems. He really sucks at Jenga, the game where wooden pieces are precariously stacked then removed one by one until someone knocks the whole tower down...and he's a big hothead. So why exactly Lieu decided to participate in the 12th annual Jenga Championship Games in Coral Gables is beyond the whole staff here at the Miami Harold...that whole staff being me. The dude was just freaking crazy...knocking over Jenga blocks...flexing his pecs...telling us all that Monopoly was a man's game and this was just for sissies...and then he went around calling the game "Yenga", when everyone knows it's a hard J...a hard J! I mean...the dude was just over the edge.