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| "News. As I break it." Miami Harold, Editor |
Volume 1, Issue 13 November 7, 2002 |
| H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R-------A R C H I V E S------S E N D - A - L E T T E R |
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LAKE WORTH, Florida --Local psychics predict they'll be featured in a Miami Harold issue...Harold editor scoffs and---holy freaking crap! THEY'RE RIGHT!
LOS CABOS, Mexico --Prime Minister of Canada, Jean Chretien gets soused at the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC)forum and tells people, "You know which country here...outta allll these countries... is spelled with a consonant followed by an A, followed by a consonent, and so on and so on...CANADA! That's right. You know what else is spelled with an A, followed by a consonant, followed by an A, and so on and so on???...A BAD MAN! Right! That's me! So don't screw with me...yeah, you, Mr. Prime Minister of Whatever-Whatever, I'm speaking in your general direction...where the hell's the gin?"
OPA LOCKA, Florida --Gary Coleman is beseiged by his 2 remaining fans as he tries to depart from Florida in his private plane.
HAMBURG, Germany --In keeping with Moroccan tradition, Presiding Judge Albrecht Mentz actually throws a real book at people found guilty in his court.
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We Like The Way You're F'ing Up The Economy!
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Volume 1
Issue 1 Issue 2 Issue 3 Issue 4 Issue 5 Issue 6 Issue 7 Issue 8 Issue 9 Issue 10 Issue 11 Issue 12 Issue 13 |
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WASHINGTON, District of Colombia -- In a stunning victory for the Republican party, America voted in a Republican majority in the Senate. This was, in large part, due to the fact that Americans aren't really too upset over the struggling economy and are very excited over the prospect of war when every other damn country in the world thinks we're being stupid. Stupidity, it seems, is something the majority of Americans can relate to. As evidence to this, the Miami Harold discovered that a major voting block for Republicans came right out of the studio audience for the Jerry Springer Show, and Moral Court.
CORAL GABLES, Florida -- Cathy Guisewite's cartoon alter-ego Cathy, has been in the public eye for more than 20 years and chronicled the humorous misadventures of a single, career everywoman as she manages her professional, romantic, and personal relationships...while also struggling with the dark secret of her sexuality. Guisewite denies the accusation, but admits that if Cathy married a man her fanbase would "kill her". Though Cathy doesn't date women in the cartoon she does occasionally listen to the Indigo Girls.
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HIMICHAL PRADESH, India -- In a daring new study out of the University of Tupak Shakur, scholars are theorizing that camoflage alone won't hide you from the enemy...you also need to be quiet. This was tested be the nation of India who convinced recruits from the Indian Army's Gurkha regiment to undergo a forty-two week sensitivity training program where they were encouraged to wear they're hearts on their sleeves when in battle...then they were sent to various units in the army. When engaged by enemy troops, the study found that the sensitive grunts cried, pooped their pants, gave up, told secrets, and willingly engaged in man-boy love.