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INNER
PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we could
all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the
things you have started".
So I looked round the house
to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished . And before leaving
home this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white
wine, some Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, a Jack Daniels and cola, a couple
of Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel.
| Two blondes fishing
Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing.
After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to
mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again.
On the way home, the first one asked, "How did you mark that spot?" The
reply was, "I put an X on the bottom of the boat." To that, the first
blond said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat next
time?"
|
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Holidaying on the Australian Coast
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the
Australian coast.He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of
pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the
bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a
line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn.
After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really
good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've
brought you your share." And he handed the bloke
a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind
and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11
o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...
You fancy comin' along?
End her Life
A young woman in Cheboygan was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the Mackinaw Bridge and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome
young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to
Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start
in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Mackinaw Island Ferry."
Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns and dressed quietly.
I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook
up the boat to the truck and down the driveway, I went.
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is
blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back
into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's
going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the
garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out
there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in
that sh.i.t?
At an All Blacks verses Wallabies match in
Auckland
There's a delay to the start so to keep the crowd
entertained it is decided to have a bit of a quiz of players
Carlos Spencer steps up first, Compere says "
Carlos , what is 15 + 18"
Carlos goes " Bloody hell, umm, errr, ah I
know...79"
Compere, "Sorry Carlos that's wrong"
Crowds yells out " Give him another go, give him
another go"
Compere says "OK Carlos, what's 7+ 8"
Carlos goes "Ah shit, I think I know that, let me
see now, Ahh, yes it's 29
Compere, "Sorry Carlos that's wrong again"
Crowd yells, "give him another go, give him
another go"
Compere says, "Alright Carlos, what's 2 + 2"
Carlos says "Yes I can work this one out", Counts
up on his fingers & says "4"
Crowd yells "Give him another go, give him
another go"
Women's English:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
> >I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think
> >about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
> >and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
> >of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
> >to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
> >dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
> >~ Jack Handy
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
> >hell
> >happened to your bra and panties.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> >"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
> >wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
> >going to feel all day. "
> >~Frank Sinatra
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
> >tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> >
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> >~ Henny Youngman
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> >laughing WITH you.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
> >I think not."
> >~ Stephen Wright
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> >
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
> >we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
> >When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
> >get drunk and go to heaven!"
> >~ Brian O'Rourke
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
> >us to be happy."
> >~ Benjamin Franklin
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> >retard.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >"Without question, the greatest invention in the
> >history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
> >wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
> >not go nearly as well with pizza."
> >~ Dave Barry
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
> >over and over again that you love them.
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> >
> >~ Dave Howell
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> >converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.
> >
> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
> >of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
> >Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
> >Here's how it went:
> >
> >"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
> >can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
> >the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
> >at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
> >good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of
> >the whole group keeps improving by the
> >regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
> >brain can only operate as fast as the
> >slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
> >know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
> >weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
> >eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
> >efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few
> >beers."
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
> >whispering when you are not.
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours
from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to
be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't
want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the
zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the
road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he
demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left
over---so now we're going to Sea World."
Seven Degrees of Blondeness
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly blonde) picked up the phone, listened for a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife replied "I don't know... was some
woman wanting to know if the coast was clear"
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk
and bends down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm,
this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy, it's me!"
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is so angry, she opens her purse and takes out the gun. As she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend says "No Honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals to a friend. She
proudly says "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
The friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Western Australia?" The blonde's
eyes light up and replies instantly, "Oh that one's easy, W."
FIVE
Q. What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A. "Is it mine?"
SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped
on by an elephant. Are you okay ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm okay," said the blonde. "Well how in the world did this
happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along
this road when, from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree, so I swerved to the left and
there was another, to the right and another, to the left and another..."
"Uh ma'am," the officer said cutting her short, "There isn't a tree on this road
for 30 miles, that was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit
patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran
out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, put her face in
her hands and bellowed.
"I come home to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help and
what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!"
Subject: God I love the Irish!!!
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish
Priest, "Father, it
has
been one month since my last confession. I've had
sex with Fannie Green
every week for the last month." The priest tells the
sinner,"You are
forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'".
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father,
it has been two
months
since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie
Green twice a week
for
the last two months." This time the priest asks,
"Who is this Fannie
Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the
sinner replies. "Very
well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail
Mary's'".
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing
to deliver his
sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All
the men's eyes fall
upon
her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
in front of the
altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching
shiny emerald green
shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down
with her legs
slightly
apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and
whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar
boy replies, "No
Father, I think its just the reflection off her
shoes!".
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy
rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at
hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a
box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man.
naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he
inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling
away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so
he was trying
to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife
asleep in bed. He
thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers
and go down on
his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan
in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy
as she
climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he
saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you
doing in
here?!?
"She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your
mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they
are about to
kiss each other
goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling
a little
horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the
wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you
give me a blow
job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He
asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and
the girl's
sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and
in a sleepy
voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a
blow job, or I
can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down
herself and do
it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off
the intercom!"
Subject: Blonde
The Blonde wins.....
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had
told me... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves
There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up,
and I haven't
heard back from him.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
African King
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank
goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very
important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally,
the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told
her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to
dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman
says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want
my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat
diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and
says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy
the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New
York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best
wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his
cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at
the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing
that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better
make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an
idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and
says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a
14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands
and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking
really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
The Golden Saloon
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and
is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell
have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works -
hell,even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up
the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,Duke, I
think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
POSSIBLY THE
BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and
moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm
staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will
have to leave and return to her original seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm
staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
blonde, and I speak blonde!"
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry -
I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little
red sports car, when she
was pulled over by a woman cop who happened also to be a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she huffed. The cop replied,
"It's square and it
has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and
handed it to the
cop. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too."
Some early morning humour...
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old
and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?!
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*ckin' arse it
won't be Coco Pops."
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At
his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made
of red roses.
When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said
their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and
the heart closed again.
It was a majestic tribute to the much loved
cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man
replied. "I'm a gynaecologist".
Subject: FW: How to hypnotize a man in
2 simple steps
Instructions
1. click on the link below 2.Click on the picture, and drag it a little to the
right,
or left, or up right .. up and down ....... what ever you prefer! and then
drop
it... . and watch...
http://www.mxfiles.kneib.biz/drag_and_go_back_spezial.html>
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened
where women could go to choose
a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go
back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a
job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder
what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the
women,"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be
awaiting us further on!
So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are f*&king impossible to please. The exit is to
your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
Some of the emails I've
been getting since I turned 50
Reporters interviewing
a 104 year-old woman:
>
> "And what do you think is the best thing about
> being 104?" the reporter asked.
>
> She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>
> ------------------------------------------ * * * * *
>
> The nice thing about being senile is you
> can hide your own Easter eggs.
>
> ------------------------------------------ * * * * *
>
> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
> up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
> your husband?"
>
> "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
>
> "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
>
> She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
>
> ------------------------------------------------- * * * * *
>
> I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries.
> A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate
> cancer, and diabetes.
>
> I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
> jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
> me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
>
> Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation,
> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
> remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
>
> But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
>
> ------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
>
> A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office
> and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
>
> "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you
> think your sex drive is all in your head?"
>
> "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
> "That's why I want it lowered!"
>
> ---------------------------------------------- * * * * *
>
> God, grant me the senility
> To forget the people
> I never liked anyway,
> The good fortune
> To run into the ones I do,
> And the eyesight to tell the difference.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------ * * * * *
>
> An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to
> prepare her will and make her final requests.
> She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
>
> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
> wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
>
> "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
> Bloomingdales?"
>
> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Perks of being vintage (over 50)
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the Weather Channel.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
A guy with a black eye
boards his plane and sits down in his seat.
He notices
immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey
this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes;
mind if I ask how
you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just
happened. It was a
tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket
counter and this
gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the
world was there. So,
instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to
Pittsburgh,
I accidentally said,
'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'...........
So she socked me a
good one."
The first guy
replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was
at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted
to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I
accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil ugly cow'.
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While
in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom
all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a
couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says:
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor
answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if
you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks
out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD.
Very rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate
and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"Stupid American docta, arways want to cut, cut, cut. Make more money,
that way. No need to operate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes,"
says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks.
Dick fall off by itself!"
Three girls all worked in the same office
with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided
that,when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she
never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out
of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
A woman decides to have a facelift
for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before
leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old
do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies,
"Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. Then while
waiting for the bus home, she asks a nice older man the same question. He
replies, "I'm 68 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was
a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my
hands down yo ur panties. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the
best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead." The old man
slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel around. After a couple of
minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says,
"You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing. How do you know?" The
old man replies with a satisfied smile, "I was standing behind you at
McDonalds."
Went
out with a woman who had breasts on her back
Not much to look at , But
great to dance with.
Subject: CLIMAX
MessageOle, from the little farm community of Viroqua, Wisconsin, married an
attractive local farm girl, Lena, half his age. After several months, Lena
complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her
Grandma, all Norwegian farm women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there
was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in V ernon County.
The Vet didn't have any sure-fire ideas, but he did recall how, during the
hot summer, his Mother and Dad, Olga and Sven, would fan a cow that was
having any difficulty birthing a calf to cool her down,relax her, and make
her struggles easier. So, the Vet suggested that they might hire someone to
wave a towel over them while they were having sex.This, the Vet said, might
cause the young wife to relax and climax.
Not wanting the word of their troubles to spread around Viroqua County, the
couple hired Lars, a young college student from the big city of Madison, to
wave a towel over them as the Vet suggested. After several efforts, there was
still no climax for Lena. They went back to the Vet.
The Vet thought some more and then suggested that Lena change partners and
let Lars have sex with her while Ole tried waving the towel.
They tried it that night and Lena went into wild, shuddering, ear-splitting
climaxes, one after another.
When it was over, Ole
smugly looked down at Lars and said, "Ya see, city slicker, now dat's how ya
vave a towel
YOU KNOW YOUR'E LIVING IN 2004
WHEN........................
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone
in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or
"9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE -
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
friends.
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No .9
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY...
A woman brought a
very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a
beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck
is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
her
neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing
there, Nancy?" My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The
neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt
then replied, "That's because he's inside your f*%#in'
cat.
|
The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they
have requested an audience, and as they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are
ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for
you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are
there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in
Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment
and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time,
all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them
with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Your extreme
holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?" After
consulting with his advisers, the Pope
responds, "I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling,
laughing and
pounding the floor, tears streaming down their
cheeks as they begin chanting
"Dopey shagged a penguin !"
"Dopey shagged a penguin !"
|
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks
to work every day
and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in
the window and
admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After
about 2 months he
saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together
at a dance at the
church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to
wear his new Bocceli
leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
"Sophia, do you wear
red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes,
Giorgio, I do wear red
panties tonight, but how do you know?
Giorgio replies, "I see thereflection in my new $300.00
Bocceli leather
shoes. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says
to her, "Rosa, do
you wear white panties tonight?" Rose answers, "Yes,
Giorgio, I do, but how
do you know that?"
He answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00
Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is
being played, Giorgio
asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his
face turns red. He says
"Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you
wear no panties
tonight, please, please tella me this true.
"Carmella answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties
tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God .. I thought I
had a CRACK in my $300
00 Bocceli leather shoes.
An adorable little girl, all blonde
curls áand blue eyes walks into a pet
>shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: á"Excuthe me, mithter,
do you
>keep widdle wabbits?"
>
>The shopkeeper's heart ámelts and he gets down on his knees, so
that he's
>on her level, and asks, "Do áyou want a widdle white wabby or a
thoft and
>fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one álike that cute widdle bwown
wabby over
>there?"
>
>She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans
>forward and says in a quiet voice, á"I don't fink my python
weally gives a
>phuck."
You
have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest cheat in
Canada.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and by then it was too late."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say, talk in your sleep.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with
the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy Roberts was hosting some event on Channel 7 when
he introduced the incumbent Miss Australia, Cynthia
Dick as Cynthia Cock!
Amid raucous laughter from the live audience & despite
barely being able to contain his own laughter, good
old Sandy desperately sought to recover the situation
by exclaiming "you must get Cock quite a lot'!
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a
male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse
coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks
he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses
every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres
on World Super bikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice
earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on Good Morning: "She was practising
fastest finger by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey
Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look
between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil
Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third
leg."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to
observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it
off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up
the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt
much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough
Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent
erection."
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually
have four or five dreams a night about coming from
different positions."
Into a Belfast pub
comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little s**t, O'Conner?," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he
gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the best form of
birth control after 50?
>Nudity
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>45 lbs.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>45 minutes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do men want to marry virgins?
>They can't stand criticism.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
>good looking?
>Because those men already have boyfriends.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What do you call a smart blonde?
>A golden retriever.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why does the bride always wear white?
>Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
>biggest boobs?
>The blonde, because she's 18
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>Ask your mom.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>How do you know when you're really ugly?
>Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
>When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Father's day, what do single guys have?
>Palm Sunday.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
>Her navel.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
>Bingo machine.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
>A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why did God create alcohol?
>So ugly people could have sex, too.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
>"Are you sure it's mine?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>Mace will do that to you.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>Everyone has the same DNA.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
>They named him Sum Ting Wong..
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
>A speech impediment.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>Breasts don't have eyes.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
>A pimp.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
>Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
>Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
>A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along
>with a recipe.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONE ANYTHING
WILD??
An old man was
sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked
up and sat down next to him.
He had spiked hair
in different colours green, red orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just
stared at him.
The young man
turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter Old
timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an
eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and rooted a
parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After days in
the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar in the
wild west and
ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no money and the
barman won't
give them credit.
Just then a
bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his arm. The
barman shakes
his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week the bastards
burnt my barn to
the ground, raped my wife and killed my children. If
any man brings
me the head of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."
The two
Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian.
Later that day
they see one, and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red
Indian
on the head. The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down
a ravine. Paddy
and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts
sawing the
Indian's head off.
Suddenly
Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
pPaddy
says,"in a minute"
"No,
look at this....,"says Mick.
"No,
can't ya see i'm fookin busy....."
Mick
grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians
standing at the
top of the ravine.
"Fook
me," says Paddy, "we're gonna be millionaires."
A little boy comes
down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he
had done his chores. "Not yet," said
the little boy.
His mother tells
him no breakfast until you do your chores.
Well, he's a
little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he
kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He
goes to feed the
pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't
get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk
in my cereal?" he
asks.
"Well," his mother
says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get
any eggs for a
week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
you aren't getting
any milk."
Just then, his
father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the
kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother
with a smile, and
says,
"Are you going to
tell him, or should I?"
Ilove pussy jokes (thanks for that one Deb)
Back to top
|
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast
fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a
while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her
to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't
have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Two old friends were just about to tee off at
the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, Do
you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one
of
the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are
my
tools."
" That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take
a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked
up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
>right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ......
He's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just
shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here....."
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?
He turns to look at her, raises one eyebrow and replies in his trademark
deep voice "No..., I've just been given this state-of-the-art watch.
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "Well what's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and whispers, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements
for next parishioners.You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of
two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor.""Congratulations! Welcome
to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and
asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week
I
had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights
but, yes, we made it.""Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said
the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked,
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex
for the two weeks," The young man replied sadly. "What
happened?" inquired the pastor."My wife was reaching for a can of paint on
the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will
not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Bunnings anymore either."
Back to top
Things to Ponder
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own
pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat-shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for my birthday. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person
you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days
I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and
50
forMiss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing
section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
There are only two things to worry about,
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well,
then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick,
there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well,
there is nothing to worry about.
If you die,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven,
there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
you won't have time to worry! |
| A chubby bloke was
reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an
advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to
himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the
phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight
loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and
when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her
neck. She introduces herself as a representative of
the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."
Well, without a
second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to
himself with a nod, "I like the way this company
does business."
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has
lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat
slender physique, not to mention the method of
"treatment," he calls the company back and subscribes
to their 5-day, 20-pound weight loss program. He thinks that
losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is
intrigued by what their
"workout" schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at
his door. When he answers
it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a
pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply
stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever
seen. She introduces herself as a representative of
the weight loss company.
The sign reads "If you can
catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot.
This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to
catch her. But when he does it is
worth every cramp and wheeze.
He is really looking forward to the next four
days....For the next four
days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much
to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and,
unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love
this company," he thinks to himself,
"I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so
much fun!"
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go
for broke and subscribe
to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss program.
"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This
is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I
haven't felt this good in
years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers
it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his
neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch
you, I can have you." |
| The
Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into store to buy some supplies . After a
few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and
said "Who owns the big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger said, "I do,
Why?" The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to
know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and
sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.
The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was
starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want
you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to
help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running
circles around Silver. Unable to do anything except wait the Lone
Ranger returns to the store to finish buying their supplies.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into
the store and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone
Ranger stands and claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time?
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says"Nothing,' but you left your Injun running
Back to top
>>Subject: I Think This Is A Golf Joke
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He
saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help
me, I don't know what
hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7;
you're on 6."He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same
lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you
again but I'm lost
again, can you please tell me
what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on
14; you are on 13."
Again
he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He
went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She
accepted. As they were
drinking and talking he asked
her what she did for a living.
"I'm in
sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after
he kept pleading to
know what she sold she said
she'd tell him if he promised not to
laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing
hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I
sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."
Capitalism:
-- You have two cows.
-- You sell one and buy a bull.
-- Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
-- You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism:
-- You have two cows.
-- You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law
at the bank
-- Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an
associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows.
--The milk rights of the six cows are transferred
via an intermediary to a
Cayman Island company secretly owned by your CFO who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your
listed company.
-- The annual report says the company owns eight
cows, with an option on six
more.
Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in
assets is declaring
bankruptcy? |
This is deadly serious, so don't
ignore it!
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout
the national Internet system.
Beware of:
THE GEORGE BUSH Virus
(Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the
motherboard and fatherboard bought it.)
THE AL GORE Virus
(Causes your computer to just keep counting)
THE CLINTON Virus
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what
it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE JESSE JACKSON virus
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while
illegitimately reproducing files in the background)
THE MIKE TYSON virus
(Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to
restabilize around 200 mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus
(Deletes all old files)
THE PROZAC virus
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus
(Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
and last but not least
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through
Windows)
Back to top
|
| A young woman in New York was so
depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid
water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so
much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around
her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate
love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip
to Europe, and he's screwing
me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
| |
There once was a young woman who went
to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend performed oral sex on me
seven times. He then proceeded to make mad passionate love to me seven
times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and
squeeze
them into a glass and then drink the juice.
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"No," replied the priest, " but it will wipe that smile off of your face." |
|
Husband: Why don't you ever tell me when you have an
orgasm?
Wife: (Smiling) You're never home |
Redneck Jedi Knight
You might be a Redneck Jedi Knight if.....
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with
y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a
bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had an land-speeder up on blocks in
your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the
dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with
fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come
on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of
your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing
Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and
you have to get in through the window.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to
Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium
Falcon with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels
during the cantina scene.
You have ever used the force to get yourself
another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought
that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your
uncle."
> >Subject: Mmmm....
> >
> >
> > A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
> > her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
> > nice.
> >
> > After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
> > She tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a
> > sexual harassment suit against him.
> >
> > The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's
> > sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells
> > nice"?
> >
> > The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."
Subject: Fwd:
Fw: Fwd: Fw: The Best Chicken Joke Ever
----------
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.
One day, the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink. The horse Begged for
the chicken to go get help. The chicken ran back
to the farm. He searched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail for
he had gone to town with
the tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new Z-3 series
BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope,
hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.
Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but
happy to see the chicken arrive
in the shiny car. He managed to get a hold of the
rope the chicken tossed to
him after tying the other end to the rear bumper
of the car. The chicken
then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the
powerful car, rescued the
horse. Happy and proud the chicken drove the car
back to the farmhouse and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was
cemented. Best Buddies, Best
Pals..
A few weeks later the chicken fell into a mud pit
and soon began to sink and
cried out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought a moment, walked over and
straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab
his thing and he would lift
him out. The chicken got a good grip and the
horse pulled him out saving his
life.
The Moral Of The Story.....
When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a
BMW to pick up chicks.
>A
young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to
>put
his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of
>the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the
>young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her
robe
>slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor
kid broke
>into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she
placed
>her
hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone
>coming..."
>
>He
followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
>it,
allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What
>would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally
>squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded, and a little hurt she
asked, "My
>ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work out
every
>day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere!
How
>can
you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat,
>he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was
me."
|
A mother was working in the kitchen,
listening to her five year old son playing
with his new electric train in the
living room. She heard the train stop and
her son saying "All of you bastards who
want off, get the hell off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of
you bastards who are getting on, get
your arse in the train, cause we are
going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of
language in this house. Now I want you
to go to your room and you are to
stay there for two hours. When you come
out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing
with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say, "all
passengers who are disembarking the
train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you, we thank you
for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She then hears the little boy continue, "for those of you just
boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will
have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today".
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "for those of you who
are pissed
off about the TWO HOUR DELAY, please see
the bitch in the kitchen".
Q: How many
women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in
this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even
know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2
DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE
WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE
ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!
I'm
sorry.. What was the question?
|
|
How I Got Into Heaven...
------------------------
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven
one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've
suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try
to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could
tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony,
and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above
ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking
him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back
into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it
over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the
stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said
Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him
about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on
the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises
out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I
could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell
into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was
going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes
me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded
like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and
again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full
and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
naked inside a refrigerator..."
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is
two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that
votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show youA-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat
> > >>John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life, Between
the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of
the night!
He went home and told his wife,
Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the
night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Sitting in church
beside me wife."
Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting
buddies on the
street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,
"John won the prize the other night, with a toast
about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!
You know, he's only been there twice!
Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come!"
Back to top
|
Nixon vs Clinton
Nixon vs. Clinton
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear was the cold war
Clinton: His biggest fear is the cold sore
Nixon: Carpet Bombing
Clinton: Carpet Burns
Nixon: His Vice President is a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a Geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop Kissing Her
Nixon: His Nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No Difference
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD Bra in his brief case
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's the One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing and saying "He's the One"
Nixon: Famous for Widow's Peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widow's to their peak
Nixon: Well Acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well Acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho, Left Mess on Chin |
THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUS
I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of
the exhibits is
that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first
pen and there
was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times
last year." The
wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "he
mated 50 times
last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen
with a sign that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The
wife hit her
husband and said, "that's more than twice a week!
You could learn
a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with
a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got
really excited
and said, "that's once a day. You could REALLY
learn something
from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask
him if it was
with the same cow."
The husband is expected to recover.
I
went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about
5 minutes. When I came out there was a
police officer writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to
him and said, "Come on, mate, how
about
giving a
man a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called
him
a biro sucking d**khead. He glared at me
and started writing another
ticket for worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse manure. He finished
the
second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he
started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes...The more
I
abused him, the more infringement notices he wrote. I didn't care.
My
car
was parked around the corner.
I try
to have a little fun each day. It's important.
Did you
ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas ?
Can blind people see their dreams?
If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME
crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
|
|
Deep Thougths
-If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
-Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
-If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
-Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
-If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
-I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
-Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty
things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
-Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where
the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the
purpose.
-Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
-If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands
with soap?
-And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"Lisp"?
-If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him ... Is he still wrong?
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens
suicide ... is it considered a hostage situation?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
-Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
-What should you do if you see an endangered animal
eating an endangered plant?
-If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his
wages?
-Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they
worried someone will clean them?
-Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the
right to talk?
-Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank
machines?
-Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
-Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because
they taste funny?
-What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for
additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor
planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and
I trust the
following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the
accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I
completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when
weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than
carry the bricks
down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went
down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form
that I weigh 135
lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward
at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the
accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I
continued my rapid ascent,
not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep
into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had
regained my presence of
mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in
spite of beginning to
experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the
same time,
however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the
bottom fell out of
the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can
imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my
legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change
slightly. The
encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to
lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately
only three vertebrae
were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay
there on the pile
of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my
composure and
presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay
there watching the
empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This
explains the two
broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
|
|
Rules of Flying
Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick
back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the
way back, then they get bigger again.
Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there
wishing you were down here.
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot
cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the
sky.
A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is
one after which they can use the plane again.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of
them yourself.
You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to
the ramp.
The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of
arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice
versa.
Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.
Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be
another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also
report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of
take offs you've made.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no
one knows what they are.
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick
is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round
and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment,
things are not at all as they should be.
In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of
miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet
to lose.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually
comes from bad judgment.
It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as
possible.
Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not
subject to repeal.
The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the
runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
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The Maths of Life:
Smart man + Smart woman =
romance
Smart man + dumb woman =
pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee =
profit
Smart boss + dumb employee =
production
Dumb boss + smart employee =
promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =
overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item
he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2
item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who
can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you
must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than
single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget
his mistakes, there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as
they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during
the night.
A woman marries a man expecting
he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change, but she does.
A woman has the last word in any
argument.
Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument. |
Some Observations & Wacky Thoughts
* Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay
People."
* The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only
expects you to kiss his RING.
* Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
* I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled her mood.
* It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
* A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.
* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in
the bathroom.
* The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you
still end up at work.
* I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a
condemned building. |
| This is the transcript
of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995 Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations
Americans: Please divert your course 15
degrees to the North to avoid a collision
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR
course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision
Americans: This is the Captain of a US
Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course
Canadians: No I say again, you divert
YOUR course
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT
CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,
THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO
ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your
call.
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New Language
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather
than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as
"Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less
letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf"
20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is
disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou"and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze
drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world! |
|
Things Not To Say In
Bed
* When is this supposed to feel good?
* On second thought, let's turn OFF the lights.
* You're good enough to do this for a living!
* Got any penicillin?
* Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
* How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
* But everybody looks funny naked.
* Have you ever considered liposuction?
* Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
* Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
* Did I mention the video camera?
* And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
* My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer! |
A man walking along a California
beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me
one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, the Lord
said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over any time I want
to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics
of that undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have
been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am
uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to
know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the
silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
| How to keep a healthy level of
insanity
1.. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2..Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3.. Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@whatever
or
Elvis-the-King@whatever
4.. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
5.. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6.. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
7.. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS".
8.. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
9.. Don't use any punctuation.
10.. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11.. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
12.. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
13.. Sing along at the opera.
14.. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15.. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle
sounds all day.
16.. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
17.. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
18.. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd
time this week!!!"
19.. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
20.. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economic downturn, we are
going to have to let one of you go. |
| A new priest at his first mass was so
nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had
done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the
following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
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|
A rich, lonely widow decided
that she needed another man in her
life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail.
None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to
find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up, and I've got no
legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in
bed?"
To which he replied, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
|
Michael Jackson Joke Time... |
Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!Q: What did
the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun!
Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is
drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!
Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first
words?
A: Which one's mommy?
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call
to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: What's the difference between Michael
Jackson and Casper?
A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to
Wal-Mart?
A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
Q. What's the difference between a supermarket
bag and Michael Jackson?
A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
children. The other is used to hold groceries.
Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the
Neverland Ranch?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q. What's brown and often found in children's
underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's hand.
Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams
Michael Jackson's dreams every night?
A. Hanson.
Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson
and acne?
A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael
Jackson?
A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary
Glitter?
A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect
"10"?
A: Two 5 year olds.
Q: Did you hear about the new McDonalds
McJackson sandwich?
A: It's a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns.
Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
Q: What is the worst thing about making love to
Michael Jackson?
A: When the crib breaks
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one
night...
Janet: Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?
Michael: Yeah, ok, can we get Aladin?
Janet: No, just a pizza and video
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children
over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson
Q: What's the difference between Michael
Jackson and greyhound racing?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
- The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael
Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope
says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
- FBI have raided Michael Jackson’s house...
They found class A drugs in his kitchen, Class B drugs in his living
room and class 5C in his bedroom.
- Michael Jackson and his wife are in the
recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael
asks, "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" "I'd wait until he's at
least 14," the doctor replies. |
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The Navy found they had too many
officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any
officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch
measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer
got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted
asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.The
second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured
from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with
$96,000.The third one was a non officer grizzly old Chief who, when asked
where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my penis to my
testicles."It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers
had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along
with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.The
medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which
he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the
Chief's penis and began to work back."My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where
are your testicles?"The old Chief calmly replied "Vietnam".
The Nun teaching Sunday
School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning
and she asked the question,
"When you die and go to Heaven which part of
your body goes first?"
Suzie raised her hand and
said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your
hands, Suzie?"
Suzie replied,
"Because when you pray, you
hold your hands together in front of you and
God just takes your hands
first!"
"What a wonderful answer!" the
Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand
and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".
The Nun looked at him with the
strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do
you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said,
"Well, I walked into Mummy and
Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mommy had her legs straight up
in the air and she was saying, 'O God,
I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had
her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
You know that all potatoes
have eyes. Well, Mr. and Miss. Potato had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet
potato,
whom they called "Yam".
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her
about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting
half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for
herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!
However, on the other hand she wasn't going to stay home and become a
Couch
potato either.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (PotatoUniversity)so that
when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, Yam came home one day and announced
she was going to marry Eddie McGuire.
Eddie McGuire !!!!!!!! ??????
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is
just
a.....
(Scroll down.....)
Common Tater
A woman was shopping at her
local supermarket where she selected:
>
> 2 litres of low fat milk,
> 1 carton of eggs,
> 2 litres of orange juice,
> 1 cos lettuce,
> half a dozen tomatoes,
> a 500g jar of coffee,
> a 250g pack of bacon.
>
> As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
> drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
> the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
> drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit
> startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's
> intuition, since
she
> was indeed single.
>
> She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
> unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
> her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
> "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did
> you know
that?"
>
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
>
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A guy
walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter
and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The
clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got
a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard
for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his
Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $200,000 a year". <?xml:namespace prefix
= o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
The guy says "You're bullshitting me!"
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you
started it!"
> Subject: A little reminder to wrap
carefully.
> >
> >A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriends Birthday and,
> >as they had not been dating for very long, he decided after careful
> >consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note,
> >thoughtful but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriend's
sister,
> >he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister
> >purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the
> >wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items, the sister
> >got the gloves and the young man got the panties.
> >Without checking the contents the man sent the parcel to his Girlfriend
> >with the following note.
> >
> >Dear Lucy,
> >I chose these because I noticed that you were not in the habit of
> >wearing any when you go out in the evenings.
> >If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
> >with the buttons but she wears the short ones that are easier to
remove.
> >These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant that I bought them from
> >showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and
> >they hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and although
> >they were a little tight, they looked really smart. She told me that
> >the material helps keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't
had
>
>
> >to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could put them on for
> >you as, no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have the
> >chance to see you again.
> >Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I
> >hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. When you take them off,
> >remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will
> >naturally be a little damp from wearing.
> >
> >All my love,
> >
> >Sam.
> >P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> >showing
> An elderly couple made a deal that
whoever died first would somehow
> come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear
> was that there really was no heaven.
>
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his
> word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a
> ghostly
>
> voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "
>
> "Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.
>
> The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
>
> "What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
>
> John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have
> breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while
> and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much
> all afternoon.
>
> After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it
starts
> all over again."
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Oh, John, then surely you must be in heaven!"
>
>
>
>
> "Not exactly Maude, I'm a rabbit somewhere near Dubbo."
Subject: Make sure you understand the
question
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
working and asks him, 'Daddy, what's sex?'
So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the
bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections.
Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole
works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.
The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge.
Her father finally asks, 'So what made you wish to know about sex?'
'Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...'
1. Now that food
has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants"? She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
get elected.
8. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail but, a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.
10. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but
FAT cells live forever.
Magic Mirror In a bar, in New York, in the
womens bathroom there was a magic miror. If you tell the truth about
yourself you'll get whatever you want. If you tell a lie about yourself,
poof! you disappear. A girl with black hair walks in and says" I think i
have the sexiest body in the world."poof!, she was gone. A girl with brown
hair walks in and says "I think i wear the most fasionable clothes."poof!,
she was gone.
A blondie walks in and says "I think.....poof
she was gone
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients
and felt guilty all
day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about
it, he couldn't. The
guilt and sense of
betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an
internal, reassuring voice that
said: "Dave, don't
worry about it. You
aren't the first
doctor to sleep
with one of their patients and you won't be
the last. And besides..
you're single. Just
let it go.." Invariably another
other voice would bring
him back to
reality..........
whispering.............
whispering.........................
whispering.........................
"Dave... you're a
vet..."
Being
Retired:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. I
went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I
went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
break?" He
ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I
called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner. I try
to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's
important at my age.
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's
youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
death. The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and
to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people
advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer.
The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged.
Finally, the last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he had
to accept her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the
most notable of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest
friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and hideous, had
only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He
had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force
his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told
him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life
and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur
thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring
monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The
old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made
everyone very uncomfortable.
The hour approached, Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight waited him! The most
beautiful woman he had never seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied
that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch,
she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and
the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he
want her to be during the day, and during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the
day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a
hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many
intimate moments?
What would you do?
(Pause awhile and do not read on until you have made up your own mind)
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all
the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in
charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
THE MORAL IS: IF A
WOMAN DOESN'T GET HER WAY, THINGS GET UGLY.
One afternoon a
wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
> > > saw
> > > two men along the roadside eating grass.
> > > Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
> > > investigate.
> > > He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
> > > We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have
> > > to eat grass."
> > > Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you"
> > > the lawyer said.
> > > "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
> > > there,under that tree"
> > > Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor
> > > man he stated, "You come with us also."
> > > The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have
> > > a wife and SIX children with me!"
> > > Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
> > > They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
> > > large as the limousine.
> > > Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
> > > said,
> > > Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
> > > The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place;
> > > the
> > > grass is almost a foot high!"
> FORREST GUMP DIES
>
> The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the
> Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed
and
> Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
>
>
>
> St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
> heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling
> up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for
everyone.
> The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into
Heaven."
>
> Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But
nobody
> ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
> life was a big enough test as it was."
>
> St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
> questions.
>
> First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
>
> Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
>
> Third: What is God's first name?"
>
> Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
> sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
chance
> to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
>
> Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin
> with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and
Tomorrow.
>
> The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I
was
> thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
> give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.
Peter.
> "How many seconds in a year?"
>
> "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that
> and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
>
> Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name
> could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
>
> Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd,
> March 2nd. . . ..."
>
> "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,
and
> I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but
I'll
> have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third
and
> final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
>
> "Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."
>
> "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
> understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but
> just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first
name
> of God?"
>
> "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
> from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I
> AM HIS OWN. . . ."
>
> St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
A married man goes into the confessional and
says to his priest, I had an affair with a woman. . . almost. . ."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same
as putting it in.You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5
Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his
prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then
starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him
saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50
on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in"
A blonde walks into
a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum
deodorant. The
pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that they don't
sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this
store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry,"says
the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get
it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have
the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the
blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with
the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and
says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."
The annoyed blonde
snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container:
Scroll
below.......
"To apply, push up bottom"
Blonde guy gets home
early from work and hears strange
noises coming from
the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked
on the
bed, sweating and panting. "What's
up?" he says. "I'm
having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs
to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling,
his 4-year-old
son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding
in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the
phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past
his screaming wife,
and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is
his brother, totally
naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten bastard,"
says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
Men
Q: What's the best way
to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman
and a six-pack in front of him. Then
tell him
to pick only one.
Q: What do men and
pantyhose have in common?
A: They either
cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle
when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps
them remember which end they need to
wipe.
Secrets for a lasting marriage
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
1.Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2.We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
3.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4.I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5.We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6.She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
7.Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
8.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
9.I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
10.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"
-----------------------------------------------------
30 harsh things to say to a naked man!
1.I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
How many men does it take to open a
beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Senior Moments!
IS THIS WHAT THE FUTURE
HOLDS!!!
An elderly Floridian
called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal
and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm.
An
officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages
92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old
yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and
pauses "Was
I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the
kitchen table
having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I
sure
hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's
at the door."
______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each
with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
A little old lady was
running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
moment
or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE
An older couple were
lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You
used
to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held
her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later
she said:
"Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a
peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she
said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes
and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE
RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie
bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women
were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could
have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again,
they
went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was
red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a
row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shoot, am I driving?"
Handy Engineering Conversions
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 kilos of Chinese soup: Won tonne
1 millionth of a
mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1
lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurts
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A
straight line
453.6 graham
biscuits: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 hunters
shooting mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital: 1 I. V. League
The Teachings of Zen
The Road to
Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just f**k off and leave me alone.
_________________________________________________________
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a flat
tire.
_________________________________________________________
3. The darkest hour
is just before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's
milk, that's the time to do it.
________________________________________________________
4. Sex is like air.
It's not important
unless you aren't getting any.
_________________________________________________________
5. Don't be
irreplaceable.
If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
_________________________________________________________
6. No one is listening until you fart.
_________________________________________________________
7. Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone
else.
_________________________________________________________
8. Never test the
depth of the water with both feet.
_________________________________________________________
9. If you think
nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.
_________________________________________________________
10. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.
_________________________________________________________
11. If at first you don't succeed.
Skydiving is not for
you.
_________________________________________________________
12. Give a man a
fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.
_________________________________________________________
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see
that person again, it was
probably worth it.
_________________________________________________________
14. If you tell the
truth, you don't have to remember anything.
_________________________________________________________
15. Some days you
are the bug;
Some days you are the windshield.
_________________________________________________________
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the
first time.
_________________________________________________________
17. Good judgment comes from bad
experience.........and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
_________________________________________________________
18. The quickest way
to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
_________________________________________________________
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
_________________________________________________________
20. Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
_________________________________________________________
21. There are two
theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
_________________________________________________________
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.
_________________________________________________________
23. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
_________________________________________________________
A
husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says,
"I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my
waist, and my butt is
hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all
flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive
to make me feel
better about myself."
He
studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight."
Services for the husband will
be held Saturday morning at 10:30a.m. at St.
Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing
resort in northern
Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her
book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area!" he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.............
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre
>Dame
> > > > sent word through the streets of Paris
that a new bell ringer was
> > >needed.
> > > >
> > > > The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews
>personally
>and
> > > > went up into the belfry to begin the
screening process. After
> > > > observing
several applicants demonstrate their skill, he had
>decided
>to
> > >call
> > > > it >a
> > > > day. Just then, an armless man
approached him and announced that
>he
> > > >was
> > > > there to
apply for the bell ringer's job.
> > > >
> > > > The bishop
was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
> > > > "No matter," said the man. "Observe!"
> > > > And he began
striking the bells with his face, producing a
>beautiful
> > > > melody on the
carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment;
>convinced
> > >he
> > > > had
> > > > finally found
a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing
> > > > forward to strike a bell, the armless
man tripped and plunged
>headlong
> > >out
> > > > of
> > > > the belfry window to his death in the
street below. The stunned
>bishop
> > > > rushed to his side. When he reached
the street, a crowd had
>gathered
> > >around
> > > > >the
> > > > fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only
> > > > moments
before.
> > > >
> > > > As they
silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
>asked,
> > > > "Bishop, who
was this man?"
> > > >
> > > > "I don't know
his name," the bishop sadly replied,
> > > >
> > > > (scroll down)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL"....
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > WAIT! WAIT! There's more.............
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > The following day, despite the
sadness that weighed heavily on
>his
> > > > heart due to the unfortunate death of
the armless campanologist,
>the
> > >bishop
> > > > continued his
interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
> > > >
> > > > The first man
to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the
>brother
> > > > of the poor
armless wretch that fell to his death from this very
>belfry
> > > > yesterday. I
pray that you honour his life by allowing me to
>replace
> > > >him
> > > > in this duty."
> > > >
> > > > The bishop agreed to give the man an
audition, and, as the
>armless
> > > > man's brother stooped to pick up a
mallet to strike the first
>bell, he
> > > > groaned, clutched at his chest,
twirled around, and died on the
>spot.
> > > >
> > > > Two monks,
hearing the bishop's cries of grief of this second
>tragedy,
> > > > rushed up the
stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is the
> > > > man?" the first monk asked
breathlessly.
> > > >
> > > > "I don't know his name," sighed the
distraught bishop,
> > > >
but............."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > (.....Wait for it.......)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > (.......It's worth it.......)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > ....HE"S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS
BROTHER."
> PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN!!
>
>
>
>
>
> An older lady gets pulled over
for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem,
Officer?
>
> Officer: Ma'am, you were
speeding.
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
>
> Officer: Can I see your license
please?
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you
but I don't have one.
> Officer: Don't have one?
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years
ago for drunk driving.
>
> Officer: I see..Can I see your
vehicle registration papers please.
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
> Officer: Stole it?
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed
and hacked up the owner.
> Officer: You what?
> Older Woman: His body parts are
in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
> to see.
>
> The Officer looks at the woman
and slowly backs away to his car and
> calls for back up. Within
minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
> officer slowly approaches the
car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could yo! u
step out of your vehicle please! The woman
> steps out of her vehicle.
>
> Older woman: Is there a problem
sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers
told me that you have stolen this car and
> murdered the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
>
> Officer 2: Yes. Would you open
the trunk of your car, please.
>
> The woman opens the trunk,
revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
>
> Officer 2: Is this your car,
ma'am?
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the
registration papers The officer is quite
> stunned.
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers
claims that you do not have a driving
> license.
> The woman digs into her handbag
and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
> it to the officer.
>
> The officer examines the
license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. One
of my officers told me you didn't have a
> license, that you stole this
car, and that you murdered and hacked up
> the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the lying
bastard told you I was speeding, too.
>
>
>
> Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Guys,
This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe
in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an
interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with
the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew,
all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind
of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with
a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to
her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to
start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check
at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last
week with a construction crew building a house".
"My goodness gracious" said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied... "I will if those useless bastards at Bunnings
ever bring us the fu%^ng gyprock!!"
40 things women CAN'T do….
1. Know anything about a car except its colour
2. Go 24 hours without sending an SMS
3. Throw
4. Run
5. Park
6. Fart properly
7. Read a map
8. Resist Ikea or Freedom
9. Sit still
10. Eat a kebab or souvlaki whilst walking
11. Piss out of a train window
12. Argue without shouting
13. Get told off without crying
14. Use the suicide lane
15. Walk past a shoe shop
16. Resist sending on those poxy heart-warming
e-mails
17. Resist commenting on a stranger’s clothes
18. Use a small amount of toilet paper
19. Drink a pint gracefully
20. Shout a round
21. Throw a punch
22. Be a magician
23. Enjoy porn
24. Eat a decent hot curry
25. Get to the point
26. Buy plain envelopes
27. Take less than 40 minutes in the shower
28. Sit in a room for five minutes without
saying, "I'm cold"
29. Go shopping and know what they want
30. Assemble furniture
31. Rent a decent DVD/video
32. Set a video recorder
33. Watch a war film
34. Understand why their flirting pisses us off
35. Spend a day by themselves
36. Go to a nightclub toilet by themselves
37. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
38. QUICKLY choose a rental DVD/video
39. Enjoy a good burp
40. Get this far without having argued at least
half of the above points
Subject:
metric conversions
1 million phones = 1 million-million microphones = 1
megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite
year
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 megahertz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
Subject: The Cracked Pot
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of
a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in
it
while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of
water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot
arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only
one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of
its
accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had
been
made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, because this
crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your
house.
The old woman smiled, Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have
always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of
the
path, and every day while we walk back, you water them; For two years I
have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty
to grace the house. Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the
cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very
interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what
they are and look for the good in them.
To my crackpot friend, have a great day and remember to smell
the flowers!
Two strangers were seated next to each other on a
plane.
The guy turned to the cute blonde next to him and made his move.
"Let's talk." he said. "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the passenger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic, but let
me ask you a question first: a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.
The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
you suppose that is?"
"Oh brother," said the guy. "I have no idea."
So tell me," said the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a
tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to
numb your jaw."
But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm
afraid of needles."
The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put
you
to sleep."
However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the
gas."
So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look
for
something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.
The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The
dentist said, "Viagra.
"The guy said, "WHAT! Why these? "The dentist said,
"They won't help the pain, but they'll give you
something to hang
on to
while I pull your tooth.
Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men, on
the topic of happiness.
He said "I can prove to you that the amount of
happiness has
relation to the amount of sex you have!"
To prove this he glanced at the audience. And he saw
a man at the
right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you
have sex?" he
asked.
"Once a month." the man answered.
Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in
the middle,
having a bigger smile. And he asked him "Sir, How
often do you
have sex?"
"Once a week. " the man shouted.
Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another
man laughing.
"You seem to be a very happy man, So how often do
you have sex?"
"Well, ...everyday" the happy man answered.
"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has
relation to the
amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.
But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man
with his hands in
the air. Laughing and jumping with so much
happiness. So the
philosopher said to him, "You sure look like a very
happy man?"
"Yes,.Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man.
"So how often do you get to have sex?" the
philosopher asked.
The man answered "Once a year...."
The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher asked the
man "WHAT? Then
why are you so happy??"
The man while laughing, and jumping said:
"IT'S TONIGHT... IT'S TONIGHT!!"
A
married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at all the different goods around, when
they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the
shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into me
omble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I ave
some special sandals I tink ya would be interested in. Dey make ya wild
at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god that he thought he was. The husband asked the man, "How could
sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem
on, man."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave
in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In
the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over
a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a
firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU
GOT
DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MAN!
Little Brucie was in his junior school class when the
teacher asked
> the children what their fathers do for a living. All the typical answers came
up,
fireman, policeman, salesman,
etc. Brucie was being uncharacteristically quiet
and so the teacher asked him
about his father.
> "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
> clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good,
> he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let them sleep
> with him".
>
> The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring
> and then took little Brucie aside to ask him, "Is that really true about
> your father?"....
> "No", said Brucie, "My father plays footy for the Bulldogs, but I was
> just too embarrassed to say.
CHRISTMAS TREE
> > > There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching
for
> a
> > Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls
with
> > hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping
down
> > the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > AUTO REPAIR
> > > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
> > died.
> > > After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says,
> > "What's the story?"
> > > He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
> > > She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
> > >
> > > SPEEDING TICKET
> > > A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if
> > he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would
> get
> > your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then
today
> > you expect me to show it to you!"
> > >
> > > RIVER WALK
> > > There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
> another
> > blonde on the opposite bank. "You-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to
the
> > other side?"
> > > The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
> back,
> > "You ARE on the other side."
> > >
> > > KNITTING
> > > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
> > Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
> > wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
> lights
> > and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and
> > yelled, "PULL OVER!"
> > > "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> > >
> > > BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
> > said, "We were the first in space!"
> > > The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
> > > The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
> > > The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads.
> > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.
> > > To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going
at
> > night!"
> > >
> > > IN A VACUUM
> > > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
> > rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If
> > you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
> > > She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> > >
> > > FINAL EXAM
> > > The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists
> of
> > yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares
> at
> > the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration,
> takes
> > out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
> > answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she
> is
> > all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
> > > During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
> > muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
> what
> > is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm
rechecking
> my
> > answers."
> > >
> > > FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > > There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
> decided
> > to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed
a
> > little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have
kidnapped
> > your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree
in
> > the park tomorrow at 9:00 AM. Signed, The Blonde"
> > > She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
> > straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
> > $10,000 in a Brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
> instructed.
> > Inside the Bag was the following n ote.... "Here is your money. I cannot
> > believe that one blonde would do this to another!
A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car, when she
was pulled over by a woman cop who happened also to be a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. The driver dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she huffed. The cop replied,
"It's square and it
has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the
cop. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop too."
> > > The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and
said "During last
> > > year's
> > > conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
> > > Well,
> > > after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington,
that
> > > I
> > > would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
> > > After the first day, I saw nothing.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he
had
> > > cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
> > > (The crowd cheered). The second speaker from Russia, stood up and
said,
> > > "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan,
> > > that
> > > I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
> > > himself.
> > > The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but
> > > on
> > > the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but
> > > mine
> > > as well. (The crowd again cheered).
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass
> > > year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines,
Dingo
> > > Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and
> > > washin
> > > his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The
crowd
> > > went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long
> > > minutes).
> > > She continued. "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second
> > > day
> > > I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit
outa
> > > my
> > > leff eye."
Subject: Blonde
>The Blonde wins.....
>
>Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
>double-pane energy efficient kind.
>
>But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work
>had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.
>
>Boy oh boy, did we go around!
>
>Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
>
>So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had
>told me... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.
>
> There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't
>heard back from him.
>
>Guess I won that stupid argument!
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting
room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Some early morning humour...
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start
swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear
first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4
year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother
walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh, shit
mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! He
flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old
and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?!
"I don't
know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f*ckin' arse it
won't be Coco Pops."
The Golden
Saloon
> >
> >A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door
> >and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where
> >the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
> >
> >"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there
> >is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell,
> >even the urinal's gold!"
> >
> >The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone
> >book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up
> >the place to check her husband's story.
> >
> >"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
> >"Yes it is," bartender answers.
> >"Do you have huge golden doors?"
> >"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
> >"Most certainly do."
> >"What about golden urinals?"
> >There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,
> >Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last
> >night!"
POSSIBLY THE
BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR
> >
> >
> >A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up
> >and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
> >The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
> >She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that
she
> >will have to go and sit in the back.
> >The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and
> >I'm staying right here!"
> >The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot
> >that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in
> >Economy and won't move back to her seat.
> >The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she
> >only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she
will
> >have to leave and return to her original seat.
> >The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne
and
> >I'm staying right here!"
> >Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
> >probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
> >blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
> >The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a
> >blonde, and I speak blonde!"
> >He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm
> >sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy
> >section.
> >The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to
> >make her move without any fuss.
> >
> >The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While
in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom
all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and
tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a
couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says:
"Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor
answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a
second opinion." The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if
you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks
out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The
Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongorian VD.
Very rare disease." The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already
know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate
and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:
"Stupid American docta, arways want to cut, cut, cut. Make more money,
that way. No need to operate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes,"
says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks.
Dick fall off by itself!"
Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided
that,when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she
never called or came back to work, so how would she know they
went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym
before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her
husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept
out
of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Fondling &
Facelifts!
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She
spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper.
Before leaving she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29". The
woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about
herself. Then while waiting for the bus home, she asks a nice older man
the same question. He replies, "I'm 68 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure way to tell how old a woman
was, but it requires you to let me put my hands down yo ur panties. Then
I can tell exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity
got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go
ahead." The old man slips both hands down her panties and begins to feel
around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, Okay, how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says,
"That is amazing. How do you know?" The old man replies with a satisfied
smile, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."
Subject: FW: How to please a woman
>
>
>
> > >
> > >
> > > Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to
choose
a
> > > husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with
the
> > > men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
> > >
> > > The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
> > > choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't
go
> > > back down except to leave the place, never to return.
> > >
> > > A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
> > > husbands...
> > >
> > > First floor
> > > The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The
> > > women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a
job
> > > or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they
went.
> > >
> > > Second floor
> > > The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
> > > extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder
what's
> > > further up?"
> > >
> > > Third floor
> > > This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
> > > looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the
women,
> > > "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they
went.
> > >
> > > Fourth floor
> > > This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love
kids,
> > > are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a
strong
> > > romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must
be
> > > awaiting us further on!
> > >
> > > So up to the fifth floor they went.
> > >
> > > Fifth floor
> > > The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to
> > > prove that women are f*&king impossible to please. The exit is to
your
> > > left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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