Titanic "Never Let Go" - Rose's Diary Page 2


Saturday afternoon, I finally worked up the courage to speak with Jack. I found him in the third class steerage public area, doing sketches. I felt so out of place down there because when people saw me the room suddenly went very quiet. I blushed a little because I could feel them staring at me. Jack turned around and his face lit up. I asked if I could speak with him in private so he followed me up stairs to the first class deck. I thanked him for saving me and for his indiscretion. I told him I felt foolish about what happened and that he must be thinking to himself that this poor little rich girl does not know anything about misery. His answer surprised me; he wanted to know what happened in my life to make me feel so bad that I wanted to end it. I showed him my engagement ring and began to explain about the 500 wedding invitations and all the other arrangements for my wedding, when he interrupted me and asked if I loved Cal. He took me by surprise. He was asking me a question, for whose answer I did not want to admit to myself. I was embarrassed by his question and I felt as if he were probing right into my innermost thoughts and feelings. Jack was looking for a simple yes or no but it was not that simple. To avoid the question, I scolded him for his rudeness but my rebuffs only made him smile. I remember shaking his hand telling him goodbye, but for some reason I found myself not being able to let go as he just grinned at me and laughingly said, "I thought you were leaving". I was beginning to blush and then I noticed he was holding some kind of book so I grabbed it from him and asked him about it hoping to change the conversation. It was some sort of sketchbook and as I thumbed through it, the drawings caught my eye. I complimented Jack on them and then I saw his nudes. It was as if their expressions and hands were giving life to the drawings. I remember father how you would often take me to the museums, and as I looked in wonder at the paintings of the masters, you would point out the nudes to me and exclaim how the artist had immortalized his model for countless generations to admire. Jack seemed to use a particular model for his drawings and I jested him saying he must have had a love affair with her. He turned the page and I gasped in surprise when I saw that she only had one leg. Jack smiled and told me that he used her because of her hands. How remarkable I thought, to create beauty out of imperfection. I told him he had a remarkable gift and could see people. He answered that he could see me. I was flattered and asked him what he saw. He told me I would not have jumped. There he was again, looking into my soul. Here was this person I barely knew, yet someway he seemed to know all about me. I could only stare at him speechless when I should have been angry with him.

The conversation soon turned to Jack and I was intrigued about his past. Making polite conversation, I told him I wished I could be as free as he was and that maybe one day we both could visit that pier he had mentioned. He said we would go and that we would drink cheap bear and ride horses in the surf. Jack was actually listening to what I had to say and he was taking me seriously. I jokingly told him he could teach me to spit like a man while we were there. He looked at me and said he would teach me now and the next thing I knew he was leading me by the hand despite my protests to the side of the ship. To my astonishment, he spit over the side. I told him I thought that was disgusting. He laughed and said to try it. I was thinking this is so crude but something about it made it seem so daring and outrageous. I pursed my lips and made a half attempt to spit. He said I needed to put some more effort into it and just as he was about to spit again, I turned around and to my embarrassment mother and her lady friends had been watching us. I was mortified and told Jack to stop but it was too late. We were caught. Hoping to make the best of an embarrassing situation, I introduced Jack to mother and told her he was the boy who saved my life. The other women admired Jack's heroism. Mother just stared at him as if Jack was some kind of a threat to her. The ship's bugle announced the dinner hour and I told Jack I would see him then. All the way back to our staterooms mother scolded me about my behavior wanting to know what on earth possessed me to do such a crude thing as I had just done? I snapped back at her and told her I did not think I needed her approval. Mother and I had never been able to see eye to eye on things for quite some time now and this was just the latest. I know she wants the best for me but sometimes I wish she would listen to what I have to say. Later on as we were dressing for dinner, mother told me she can't for the life of her imagine why Cal invited Jack to dinner. I told her Jack is our guest tonight and despite who he is or where he is from, you will treat him like a gentleman. That is when Cal knocked on the door and inquired if we were ready. I told Cal to go ahead with mother that I would be along shortly as I had to finish with my hair.

Jack was waiting at the bottom of the staircase and I was taken by how dashing he looked all dressed up like that. The first thing he did was to kiss my gloved hand. He said he always wanted to do that. He really was quite charming. I went around introducing him and acquainting him with the latest society gossip. After introducing Jack to JJ and Madeline, Madeline whispered to me that she thought it was a pity that we were both spoken for. I just looked at her and smiled. Those people in my world thought that they were above everyone else but they were less than dust in God's eye. Everyone of them had a dirty little unspoken secret. Such pompous hypocrites!

We took our places at the table and I kept my eye on Jack. All this was new to him I imagined even though he was putting on a good face. That's when mother started in. She has this habit if someone gets on her wrong side of making them feel very uncomfortable even though she maintains an air of politeness. But Jack was a good sport and was able to come out ahead. Everyone but mother and Cal seemed to be impressed with Jack. His philosophy was a simple one, live each day and make it count. I raised my glass and made a toast and said," to making it count." All the rest of the dinner party raised their glasses in acknowledgement. Mother's plan had failed. Instead of humiliating Jack, he was being toasted as the honored guest. Mother knew if she failed to acknowledge the toast, it would be considered an act of rudeness. She shot me an icy glance as she slowly raised her glass. Cal, somewhat confused hesitated then raised his glass as well. After a while I sensed that the dinner was about to end and I leaned over and whispered to Jack that the men are going to gather for brandies and cigars. Cal asked if he could escort me back to my room but I told him I would stay. Cal left to join the others and he and Jack were talking. Jack then walked towards me and said it was time for him to get back. I really wanted him to stay so we could talk some more, but he smiled at me and told me he had to get back and row with the other slaves. Despite Jack being a third class passenger, he really had a sense of humor about it. He took my hand and thanked me and I felt something being pressed into my palm as he parted. It was a piece of paper. I unfolded it and there was a note that read, make it count, meet me at the clock. I glanced around to see if anyone, especially mother had been watching. I excused myself to mother and told her I had changed my mind and was going back to my room. The staircase was deserted when I got there. Jack was standing at the next landing with his back towards me, facing the clock. What was I doing I told myself as I drew a deep breath before climbing the stairs. Jack turned around and asked if I wanted to go to a real party. As the clocked chimed the ninth hour, he took me by the hand.

I followed Jack to the third class general room, which was dimly lit and filled with cigarette smoke. In the air were sounds of music and people laughing and having what appeared to me to be a really good time. Jack excused himself saying he had promised his favorite girl a dance as he took the hand of a girl that I believe was no more than five years old. While the dancing was going on, Tommy, one of Jack's friends, offered me a drink, which I accepted. After the music had ended, Jack spoke to the girl and said he was going to dance with me now. He came over to me and led me onto the dance floor. I told him I did not know the steps but he says to just follow him. I trembled as I felt his hand on the small of my back as he pulled me closer to him. Suddenly the music began again and Jack was starting to move with me. I felt clumsy at first but I soon got into the rhythm of the music. After the dance, we were both hot and sweaty and Jack grabbed another couple of beers. He began to drink his as I gulped mine down in three swallows. He looked at me in amazement and I laughed telling him if he did not think a first class girl could drink. We laughed again and someone staggered into me, spilling my beer all over my dress. Jack angrily pushed him away and asked if I was okay? I told him I was fine. I thought to myself that mother was simply going to take a fit when she finds out I ruined my dress, but I really did not care. I was having too much fun to worry over it.

I was feeling a lot bolder now and I noticed two men arm-wrestling each other. Grabbing the cigarette out of the ones mouth, I took a puff on it and asked him if he could do this. I asked Jack to help me with my dress as I stood on my toes coming up to point. It felt like I had broken both feet the pain was so bad and they were still hurting me the next day. I was becoming a little tipsy and Jack asked if I was feeling okay? I told him I would be fine that I just needed some fresh air. He then said with a loud voice so that everybody could hear him. Please excuse us, madam needs to get some fresh air. There was a roar of laughter as Jack lead me stumbling up the stairs to the boat deck. I turned to them and waved goodbye. The brisk night air seemed to clear my mind and Jack began singing the lyrics to "Come Josephine in My Flying Machine" I joined in with him but we could not remember all the words and we started laughing.

I grabbed a davit and leaned up against it and Jack leaned next to me. His hand was barely touching mine. I noticed a shooting star and pointed it out to Jack. Aren't we supposed to wish for something, I asked him? He turned to face me and his lips were very close to mine. I was hoping he would kiss me. He looked deeply into my eyes and I could feel his breath on my cheek when he asked me, what would I wish for. I forced back a tear as the reality of my situation jolted me to my senses. I answered him, something I could not have. I was thinking that this would be the last time I would ever see Jack. It would have been unthinkable for me to continue to see him after that night. After all I was engaged to Cal. If only things could have been different. I regretfully pulled away from him and thanked Jack for the wonderful evening before I went through the first class entrance and then to my suite. I noticed that there was no light coming from Cal's room. He was still out drinking and playing cards. Having himself a grand time, I assumed. I smiled and wondered how much money Cal was going to lose tonight? I drew a bath and soaked for almost hour before retiring to my bed. I had not been in bed for more than a few minutes when Cal knocked.