Mood:
quizzical
Last night I was at the Mall of America with a friend as he picked out a Christmas present for his girlfriend. I actually started to cry when we passed the fancy clocks at The Afternoon. No matter how many years go by, as long as that store is standing, it will remind me of my ex. And if it is ever replaced, its void will remind me of the void in me. My ex's Christmas present is almost done, and although it's really cool and I'm excited to have it for myself, I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy it without any thought to him. I wonder if never thinking about him again is really the goal. I'm not sure sometimes.
That all got me thinking about how contradictory relationships can become sometimes. People always say that actions speak louder than words, but sometimes it's just the opposite. I'm, well, I'll say I'm dating someone right now (I'm not exactly sure how to define it, but that's a whole other story), and it's the words that make all the difference. A kiss can be written off to bordom or lonliness or any number of things that have nothing to do with me. But when he looks at me and calls me beautiful... well, words speak louder than actions.
Some contradictions are well known, even though no one calls them that. "It's the little things that matter." It's true, but isn't that a bit of a contradiction, too? Holding hands before and cuddling after... why are those the things that mean so much? Whatever in the middle, no matter how wonderful, seems like it's the part most easily done without forethought, without genuine care. Not that it can't be thoughtful and caring and all that, but there's no guarentee. Not like holding someone's hand. If you were using someone, you wouldn't hold their hand.
Well, that's my stint on relationships right now. Time to crawl out of my contemplative haze... hence the photo that, if it wasn't so distorted, you could see was of fog floating over the surface of a reedy stream opening into a lake. That's kind of how I feel right now - foggy. :-P