Wednesday, February 07, 2001
i wish she would stop because i love her so much and i don't want her to be in pain. i don't know. i am a broken record, saying the same thing, over and over again. a good thing happened the other day. i finally talked to this boy that goes on my bus to work. his name is russell. he has some kind of mental disability, and walks funny. but he is nice. and has the most beautiful big brown eyes. i feel happy just thinking about him and how he is. how beautiful and sweet and innocent he is.
posted on 2/7/2001 11:37:12 AM
3.33am. february 8th. its a thursday. sunlight soon.
i love her so much. this dark angel of mine, she doesn't realise how much i care. or she does. she says she does. confused in the smell of her own blood. her own poisoned blood that has taken her away from us in its betrayal of her. she seems to think it is a release. and the worst part is that i KNOW it is. i want her to disown it though. deny it as i had to deny it, kick it away as i had to. i feel so jealous of her and her capacity to harm, despite all that we say and feel. because i had to stop. i wasn't allowed to continue on. i am jealous of the way her guilt doesn't stop her. it doesn't deprive her of it. i wish she would stop. she makes it desireable for me again. something i want to do again. get in that blood swoon, that lonely intoxicating place where you don't care who you are or where you are going.
posted on 2/7/2001 11:32:06 AM
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