have gained three inches around my waist since summer.
this is
not terribly surprising, considering that i eat when i am a) depressed
or b) bored. and i have been both of those things throughout most of
this year.
isn't is strange how people judge you by your weight?
they think you must be lazy or slow or retarded, or have no sex life,
are completely boring and don't know what a *joint* is. just cos you
are overweight.
oh. im not just judged by my weight, but by my
fucking NAME, and my fucking LOOKS. goddamn prejudiced fuckheads that
i am surrounded by.
heh.
someone said something interesting once-
that they used to eat till it hurt, as some weird sort of self mutilation
exercise. that kind of rung a bell.
has always been so easy for me
to gain weight. takes a LOT of self discipline to lose it. as i guess it
is with most people.
last year was good. i didn't eat because i had
no food. but was so fucked up i would rip my self open and bleed for
fucking days. for a long time there was not a single day went by where i didn't
bleed. and i was thinner than i ever remember being.
now, they say
that my depression level is in the low twenties, which is a very
normal level, even an abnormally HAPPY state of mind.
and i don't
cut myself up and i feel like a cork and i eat and cry and eat and cry
so much i can barely breathe.
which is the better state of mind?
i ask you that? would you guys prefer to see me thinner and bleeding, or
fat and crying?
christ i am crying now.
and i am not even fucking eating.
Do you reckon some boy would dump me because im overweight? as the People
In Charge (parents, fucking parents and fucking family who think they
are doing you a good turn by telling you how much weight you have gained
since you stopped starving yourself and trying to accidentally kill
yourself?) keep telling me.
if i post this, it is a large step towards
the liberation of Juanita.
AW MY GAWD. I
Just Found Out That My DAD Uses Viagra.
heh. good subject change.
AW MY GAWD. laughing my FUCKING ass off. it was an inadvertant discovery,
i was looking through the cupboard trying to find the goddamn key. and there you go.
little prescription packet. AND ALL THE GODDAMN PILLS HAVE BEEN USED. *shudder*
that means, that my parents have actually HAD SEX in the past ten years.
aw my gawd.
think i am going to go and dwell on this newfound knowledge
for a little while.
ps. now that my folks are actually internetting, i hope to fucking GOD
they don't discover my webpage. HOW EMBARRASSING. i will probably be banned from their house.
