Aggie Jokes
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Actual Bumper Stickers FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY Funny Sayings and Sloguns Philosophical Whims Two Ends Chinese Proverbs Stupid Pick-Up Lines Religious Billboards... Husbands' Quotes
I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I love cats...they taste just like chicken Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT! It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS Friends don't let friends drive Naked Wink, I'll do the rest! I took an IQ test and the results were negative If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students! It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word? Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock 2 + 2 = 5 for sufficiently large values of 2.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set A day without sunshine is like, night On the other hand, you have different fingers. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Remember half the people you know are below average. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever - so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade! Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it! If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand... Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary.
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago...we're one of them." Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and
years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the
worst movies in the history of the world.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there are men on base.
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for
the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from
the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the
Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary
rights of another.
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this
country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and
tired of being told that I am!
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Q: Why don't cannibals like clowns?
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
The Lord gave us two ends...one to sit on, the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most. Sign in a store window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
1. Virginity like bubble, one prick -- all gone.
* Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! * Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw. * Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? * I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. * That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. * Yo, Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away. * I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. * Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. * I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one? * I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. * Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long. * If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town. * Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine. * I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house? * I love every bone in your body -- especially mine. * You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. * My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard and serve hot. * I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room -Stevenator
Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them.These messages are all over the USA. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?
We need to talk.
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.
I love you and you and you and you and...
Will the road you're on get you to my place?
Follow me.
Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.
My way is the highway.
Need directions?
You think it's hot here?
Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.
Do you have any idea where you're going?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your will power." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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