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Aggie Jokes
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 (Simply click on the title of the joke to return back to the top)
50 Fun Things to do in a Meaningless Final Dear Dad / Dear Son Heaven Anything Top 10 Signs You've Gone To A Bad College Top 10 Lies Told By Graduate Students Professor's Underlying Meanings Definitions for Science and Medicine
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) 1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early. 2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!" 3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol. 4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril. 5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is. 6. Bring cheerleaders. 7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?" 8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level. 9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. 10. Bring pets. 11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off. 12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes. 13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers. 14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else. 15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals. 17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you. 18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. 19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay. 20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam. 21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was. 22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..). 23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out. 24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. 25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink) 26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). 27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!" 28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. 29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away. 30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. 31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!" 32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said. 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. 34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam. 35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story. 36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield. 37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation. 38. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit." 39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip. 40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. 41. One word: Wrestlemania. 42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start. 43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave. 44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room. 45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. 46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam. 47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach. 48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle. 49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so". 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
Love,
The Reply:
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy
Love,
There was a family from up East somewhere, down here in Texas checking out the schools for their son who will be attending college this next semester. They were in the president's office at T.Tech discussing the details of registration, fees, and the campus in general when the son noticed a red phone on the president's desk. The son got up the nerve to ask what the red phone was for. "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven in case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance. "Oh, that seems reasonable", said the son. After all the details were discussed, they drove East on Hwy. 20 to L. Tech. While they were in the president's office they noticed there was a blue phone on the desk. The father asked, "What is the blue phone for?" The president responded, "That is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven. In case the student gets into trouble or needs extra guidance." They then finished their business. They then drove back into Texas, to visit UT. While they discussed business in the president's office, they noticed a orange phone on the desk. The mother decided to ask, "What is the orange phone for?" The president responded, "This orange phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven." "This must be an added feature at all the schools now", said the mother. Since they had some extra time and were already in Texas they decided to travel East and check out A&M. While they were in the president's office, they noticed a maroon phone on the president's desk. The son was Feeling pretty confident and said, "That maroon phone is a hotline to heaven. And for $50, a student can make one call per semester directly to heaven." "You are correct about it being a hotline to heaven, son, but using it will cost you nothing." The mother replied, "At T.Tech, L.Tech, and UT they charge the students $50 to use their hotlines to heaven." "Ah." said the president, "But here it is a local call."
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*." He returns her gaze. "*Anything*?" "*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" "*Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper: "Would you...*study*?"
10. On University seal, the word "college" is spelled with a "K". 9. Many alumni still live out behind the stadium. 8. You're English professor looks a lot like your History professor minus the fake nose and glasses. 7. School colors are dark brown and slightly darker brown. 6. Instructors ask that you place finished exam papers directly into their pants pocket. 5. When you mention your college, people in town say, "Oh Yeah, the 'Old Kennel'". 4. Coach of your basketball team is Jerry Tarkanian. 3. School song is "Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd. 2. Valedictorian is a counting pony. 1. When asked about accreditation the dean of admissions replies, "Accreditation? I got your accretitation right here!"
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. NO, REALLY, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
Spoken: You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
Spoken: If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
Spoken: The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
Spoken: Various authorities agree that...
Spoken: The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
Spoken: You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your
question.
Spoken: In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several
disparate points of view.
Spoken: Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
Spoken: Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made
contributions to this field.
Spoken: We can continue this discussion outside - let's quit.
Spoken: Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a
good lecture.
Spoken: Any questions?
Spoken: The implications of this study are clear.
Spoken: The test will be 50-questions
Spoken: Multiple choice.......
Spoken: The test scores were generally good.
Spoken: The test scores were a little below my expectations.
Spoken: Some of you could have done better.
Spoken: Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about
previous material?
Spoken: According to my sources...
Spoken: It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper. "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
"A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"
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