A New Friendship to Last Forever
Title: A New Friendship to Last Forever
Author: Jeanster
Category: Drabble FanFic Crossover (exactly 100 words)
Rating: Fan Rated Suitable For Children
Feedback: Yes, please
Disclaimer: Located below this drabble.

*****

There was no closure when Jackie left me. One night he just stopped coming over. I cried and became very depressed. That all changed after I met you. I have no regrets about leaving my home by the sea to follow you. We can be happy together always. My kind lives forever, unlike yours. But you are not like other little boys, are you? You always have fun and never grow up. Oh, look. Is that the pirate you told me about? Let us see if his ship lowers its flag when I roar out my name. They usually do.

*****

Disclaimer: I do not own the story of Peter Pan or the song "Puff the Magic Dragon".

Catching Bart
Fandom: Smallville
Rating: Slash and Fan Rated Suitable For Children
Category: Drabble Fanfic - Slash (Drabble means a story told in exactly 100 words)
Pairing: Clark/Bart
Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville or any DC Comics characters.
Author's Note: Based on the Smallville episode aired October 20, 2004 that featured the Flash.



Clark watched Bart walk away, possibly forever.

"Is there anything I can do to change your mind?"

Bart stopped, turned and smiled.

"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Clark grinned.

They sped off, a streak of red closely pursued by a streak of blue.

"Got you!"

The laughing boys tumbled to the ground.

"Do you have any idea what you do to me?" asked Clark.

"Show me."

Clark gave him a kiss which was eagerly returned.

Later:

"You could have outrun me, Bart. Why did you let me catch you?"

"Gee, Clark, if you have to ask -- "

One Day at the Red Lion Pub
Category: Drabble Crossover FanFic (exactly 100 words)
Fandoms: Blackadder and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Rating: Fan Rated Suitable For Teenagers
Feedback: Yes.
Archive: Ask me first, please
Disclaimer: I do not own Blackadder and/or The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.


Edmund sipped his drink as he sat in the pub. Everything was finally going his way: money, love, friendship. Most unusual for him, being a Blackadder. He noticed the odd young fellow at the bar who tossed a huge wad of cash at the bartender in payment for a mere four bags of peanuts. Words were exchanged. The young man quickly left the pub. The bartender announced, "Last orders, please." Edmund finished his drink and got up to leave. As he walked out of the Red Lion Pub he heard a loud noise from above. He looked upward. "Oh, damn!"

The Kissing Cousins From Krypton
Mood:  cheeky
Disclaimer: I do not own Supergirl, Superboy or any DC Comic Book characters.

Author's Note: This takes place before Supergirl is adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Danvers and before Superman reveals his cousin's existence to the world.

Chapter One

Supergirl watched her cousin fly away as he headed back to patrol Metropolis.

"I wonder what Superman was like when he was about my age," wondered Supergirl. He had told her of his teen years spent in Smallville growing up with Ma and Pa Kent.

Her curiosity got the better of her. Supergirl decided to fly back in time to see for herself.

So off she went flying at super speed far back into the past.



"I'm here," she said to herself as she looked around. "What a charming and beautiful place Smallville is."

She changed into her Linda Lee disguise as she did not want anyone in Smallville to see her as Supergirl. After all, how could she explain herself? The ripple effect could be disastrous and change the future.

She strolled through the streets of Smallville. A pair of teenagers approached. One was a pretty girl with red hair. The other was a handsome boy with blond hair and freckles.

Linda smiled and nodded.

"Hello," said the red-haired girl smiling back. "My name is Lana Lang. This is Pete Ross. Are you new here? I don't remember seeing you in Smallville."

"Hi. I'm Linda Lee. Just passing through Smallville. You have a lovely town here. So clean and friendly-looking."

"Thank you. We like it here," said Lana.

"And it helps to have Superboy around," said Pete. "If you're lucky you might catch a glimpse of him on patrol."

"Superboy? Who's that?" asked Linda feigning ignorance.

"You're kidding, right?" asked Lana. "You've never heard of Superboy? The Kryptonian who performs good deeds by saving people with his super powers?"

"Sorry," said Linda. "Like I said, I'm just passing through Smallville. Tell me about this 'Superboy' and his 'super powers'. Is he for real?"

"He's for real, all right," said Pete. "Believe it. Hey, Lana, why don't you fall out of an upper story window and see if Superboy catches you in time?"

"Har-dee-har-har-har," said Lana. "Not that Superboy couldn't do it, but I'm not going to risk my neck being that foolhardy."

"Speak of the devil," said Pete pointing upward. Linda and Lana turned to see where Pete was pointing.

Superboy was flying toward them. He slowed down and floated gracefully down to the sidewalk.

"Hi, Lana. Hi, Pete. Who's your friend?" smiled Superboy.

"This is Linda Lee. She's new. Said she's just passing through town," said Pete.

"Hi, Linda. Welcome to Smallville. It's nice to meet you," said Superboy.

"Wow!" said Linda, her eyes as big as saucers. She was not feigning anything this time. The sight of her cousin as a teenage boy took her breath away. She felt a strange tingling sensation.

Superboy smiled. He was used to seeing surprised first reactions from people when they met him. He, like Linda, felt a strange tingling sensation. She's very pretty, thought Superboy.

"I hope you'll enjoy your time here, Linda," said Superboy. A sixth sense told him there was something odd about Linda. He didn't know why. He used his x-ray vision to quickly scan her.

Superboy wondered to himself, "Why is she wearing that brown wig to hide her blonde hair? And more importantly, why is she wearing a costume almost like mine under her clothes? I'd better get to the bottom of this."

He's really cute, thought Linda. Then she caught herself. Oh, no, this won't do. Linda blushed. Why was she suddenly feeling excited and flustered at the sight of Superboy?

He's my cousin, thought Linda. But he looks so adorable! Why am I feeling like this?

Linda fought the strange urge she had to throw her arms around Superboy and plant a big kiss on his lips.

"Linda, how would you like a personal guided tour of Smallville by yours truly?" Superboy suddenly asked.

Before she could answer Superboy lifted her in his arms and flew upward.

Lana and Pete stared in surprise as Superboy flew away carrying Linda.

"Uh, 'bye," said Pete as he and Lana watched the pair disappear from view.

"Boy. He certainly took a shine to that new girl," said Lana feeling a little jealous.

What Superboy and Linda did not know was that a chunk of red Kryptonite was nearby partially buried in the ground. That was what had caused that strange tingling sensation they both felt a moment ago. It boosted up their raging teenage hormones.

They arrived in a lovely spot near a lake. Superboy gently placed Linda down on the ground. They smiled at each other.

"I have a confession to make," said Superboy. "I peeked."

"Peeked?" asked Linda. "What do you mean?"

"I used my x-ray vision on you. Why are you hiding that beautiful blonde hair beneath that pig-tailed brown wig? And what's with the superhero costume almost like mine?"

"You peeked through my clothes?! Do you do that to all the girls you meet?"

"Of course not," said Superboy. "There was just something about you. I can't explain it. And you haven't answered my questions."

"Well, I guess there's no use pretending anymore." She looked around to make sure there was no one else around to see them. Satisfied that they were alone, she used her super speed to quickly remove her Linda Lee disguise.

To blazes with ripple effects and changing the future, she thought. He may as well see me as I am.

"Call me Supergirl," she said. "I'm from the future. I traveled back in time because I wanted so much to meet you. Like you, I'm a Kryptonian. In fact, I'm your cousin Kara."

"My cousin? Wow!" said Superboy. "You're beautiful!"

Indeed she was. Her soft silky blonde hair flowed gently in the breeze as it framed her lovely face. Her super costume accentuated her flawless figure.

"And you, Kal-El, are the cutest and most adorable boy I've ever met."

She knows my Kryptonian name, thought Superboy.

They embraced and kissed. It was a long and lingering kiss. Neither of them wanted it to end.

She's bringing out feelings in me I've never felt before, thought Superboy.

I want him so much, thought Supergirl.

They were on the verge of removing each other's super costumes when suddenly a voice said, "Okay, break it up, you two."

They quickly turned to see who was there.

"Saturn Girl?" said Superboy. "What are you doing here?"

"Sorry to interfere in your fun, but I'm here to stop you from making a very big mistake. Superboy, you're not supposed to know about your cousin Supergirl's existence until years from now when you're a grown man," said Saturn Girl.

She continued. "You've both been exposed to a chunk of red Kryptonite that is making you behave this way. Before it gets out of hand, I'd better put a stop to it and use my powers to erase the memory of your cousin from your mind, Superboy. Ditto for you, Supergirl."

Superboy and Supergirl glanced at each other and winked. Then they both quickly flew off at super speed.

"You'll have to catch us first!" shouted Superboy as they flew off.

Saturn Girl stared upward. Why didn't I see that coming? Shame on me, she thought. I'm going to need help from the other members of the Legion of Super-Heroes.

"Come on," said Supergirl to her cousin as they flew away. "Let's go somewhere private where we can be alone."

Superboy smiled and nodded in agreement.

Chapter Two

"Martha, dear, what is it?"

"Jonathan, have you had that talk with Clark about the birds and bees yet?"

"Uh, no. I've been putting it off, actually. Why?"

"Well, dear, I think you should. And very soon. Do it today when he comes home. In fact, it might be better if we speak with him together."

Martha showed Jonathan what she was holding in her hands.

"Good heavens, Martha! Are those Clark's bedsheets?"

"Yes, dear. I can wash these sheets and mend the holes, but we'll need to speak with him about the holes made in his dresser."

"I never thought of just how powerful Clark's wet dreams could be."

"Oh, Jonathan, how will he ever be able to settle down with a nice girl one day to get married and have children?"

The Kents shuddered in horror at the thought of how Clark could unintentionally kill his bride on their wedding night with the strength of his Kryptonian ejaculations.

"He can never do it with an Earth woman, Jonathan! He mustn't!"

Chapter Three

Superman was very surprised when young Brainiac 5 in a time machine appeared suddenly before him.

The descendant of the first Brainiac quickly explained to Superman the reason for his visit.

" -- so you see, Superman, we need your help. Between Supergirl and your younger self both affected by red Kryptonite, the Legion of Super-Heroes is no match against their super-strength. They are literally kicking our butts back in that time period."

"Of course I'll help."

"One more thing, Superman. Did you ever have a talk with your cousin about the birds and the bees?"

Superman stared at Brainiac 5. He suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"Um, no. I assumed her parents did."

"Maybe there wasn't time for them to do that before they had to send her away in that rocket ship. And as her older cousin, you should have that talk with her. She looks up to you for guidance."

"Well, maybe the people who work at the Midvale Orphanage already had that talk with her," said Superman, a bit flustered.

Brainiac 5 rolled his eyes.

"You can have that talk with her after you get her back in this time period. Right now we have to stop her and Superboy from making a terrible mistake."

"Wait. We're going to need help, and I know just the person. Be right back."

Superman flew off at super-speed.

Chapter Four

The fallen members of the Legion of Super-Heroes were sprawled on the ground, each groaning and almost unconscious.

"That should teach you to stay out of our business," Supergirl said to them. She turned to Superboy. "Now where were we?" she asked smiling seductively.

"Right about here," he said as he brought his lips to hers and kissed his beautiful cousin.

"Okay, break it up, you two," said a female voice.

Not again, thought Superboy. The kissing cousins from Krypton turned to see who it was.

Superboy stared at the beautiful vision standing before him. She was tall, statuesque and her long dark hair flowed behind her in the breeze. She wore silver bracelets, a golden tiara and a colorful costume that did not hide her gorgeous limbs. She carried a golden lasso which she quickly threw around him.

"It's a magic lasso, Superboy. Your Kryptonian strength can't break it."

All thoughts of blonde lovely Kara disappeared from Superboy's mind as he stared at this incredibly beautiful woman.

"I don't want to fight you, whoever you are. What's your name?" he asked.

"Diana," she said smiling.

Supergirl was being restrained by her older cousin.

Superman held Supergirl firmly in his grip and said to her sternly, "If that red Kryptonite wasn't to blame for your actions, I'd put you right over my knee, young lady. You're not too big for me to do that, I'll have you know."

Supergirl smiled up at him. "Would you? Please? I've been such a bad girl. And I can be even badder. Just let me show you just how bad I can be, you gorgeous hunk!" She leaned forward and kissed him.

Superman gasped. Be cool, he thought. She's not herself.

"We have to keep these two restrained until the effect of the red Kryptonite wears off," he said to Wonder Woman.

"Come with me, dear boy," said Diana. He certainly is a very handsome youth, she thought. "Let's sit underneath this tree and chat for a bit."

"I'd go anywhere with you," said Superboy as he stared at her with a dreamy look on his face.

TO BE CONTINUED

Leave It To Frodo (Part Two - Chapters 6 through 11)
Chapter Six: Aragorn Comes To A Decision

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The following day at School of Mayfield, Middle Earth. The teachers are checking their mailboxes. Each teacher is given two copies of Principal Elrond's new rule about no fraternizing between faculty members and students. They are to keep one copy and sign and return the other copy to indicate they have read it and will abide by the rule.

Miss Arwen is reading her copy of the rule. She glances up and sees Miss Ewoyn reading the new rule. Miss Arwen studies the face of the girls' physical education instructor to see her reaction.

Miss Ewoyn frowns. She puts her paperwork in her tote bag and heads for the PE Department.

Miss Arwen looks at the clock. It is almost time for class to begin. She heads for her classroom.

Miss Ewoyn sees Aragorn and Legolas headed for the athletic field. Aragorn sees her and waves. She waves back and motions for him to wait for her.

ARAGORN Go on ahead, Legolas. I'll catch up in a few minutes.

LEGOLAS Don't be late.

The Elf walks out the door that leads to the athletic field.

MISS EWOYN Good morning, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good morning, Miss Ewoyn.

She shows him her copy of the new rule. He reads it, then he hands it back to her.

ARAGORN Interesting.

MISS EWOYN Tell me, Aragorn. When will you be graduating?

ARAGORN If I pass all of my classes, I should receive my diploma and be out of here in June.

MISS EWOYN That's only three months away. After that this rule won't apply to us.

ARAGORN Us? There's an 'us'?

MISS EWOYN (frowns at him) Hmm. Do you always flirt with females and not mean anything by it? It's not nice to lead a woman on like that.

ARAGORN Miss Ewoyn, you have my most sincere apology if I have in any way led you to believe my intentions toward you were of a romantic or suggestive nature. I was merely being friendly and welcoming you to our school yesterday.

MISS EWOYN (coldly) I see. Well, I have a class to teach. Good day, Ranger.

She walks away and does not look back.

Aragorn watches her. He turns and goes to meet Legolas and the others out on the athletic field for the battle practice session.

He thinks about Ewoyn. He does find her attractive, but he does not want to pursue a relationship with her. His heart belongs to someone else, only he did not fully realize it until last night while he lay awake in his bed pondering his life and those whose lives had touched his.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Tonight is when I will make my true feelings clear to the one with whom I really want to be.

Chapter Seven: The Library

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: That afternoon in the Public Library of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are having a study session to work on their term papers that will count toward a big part of their grades. Since they all want to graduate together without any of them being left back, they are working hard to do well on this assignment.

In the other end of the library we see a large hulking Uruk-Hai from the Isengard School. He is Lurtz. He, too, is working on his term paper, for it would be most embarrassing for an Uruk-Hai of his stature to have to repeat a school year. He plans to graduate in June.

BOROMIR I'm going to get a drink of water. Be right back.

The Son of Gondor walks down the hall toward the drinking fountain. Coming around the corner is Lurtz. They accidentally collide and knock each other down. Lurtz spills his papers and books.

LURTZ (growls menacing at Boromir)

BOROMIR Geez, Louise! Why don't you watch where you're -

He stops in mid-sentence when he sees Lurtz.

BOROMIR Uh, I mean, terribly sorry about that, Lurtz! I should have been looking where I was going, clumsy me!

Lurtz moves closer toward Boromir until his face is only four inches from Boromir's face. He gives a long drawn out growl. Boromir is trying not to show his fear.

Suddenly Lurtz looks up, quickly gathers his books and papers and sits down at a table and appears to be deeply engrossed in reading a library book.

Boromir is puzzled by the sudden change in Lurtz's behavior. He turns and notices Miss Buckram, the librarian. She is peering over her spectacles at Lurtz and Boromir. When she is certain that there will be no fighting in the library between those two, she returns to checking in a stack of returned library books.

Boromir sighs in relief. He knows from past experience that no one who values his or her own life would dare to break any of the library rules when Miss Buckram was around.

LURTZ (thinking to himself as he stares at Boromir walking away) Just you wait, Son of Gondor! We will meet again at the play-offs! I will have a special arrow with your name on it. Hmm. Think I'll add two more, just for good measure.

Boromir quickly joins Aragorn and the others at their table.

BOROMIR (whispering) Guess who's also here in the library?

ARAGORN Who?

BOROMIR The colossal hulk of the Isengard School!

ARAGORN Lurtz?

BOROMIR None other! I think just now I managed to get on his Open Up A Can of Whoop Ass List when I accidentally bumped into him.

ARAGORN I'd hate to be in your shoes, my friend.

Aragorn is having a little trouble concentrating on his studies, as he is also rehearsing in his mind how to tell the love of his life of his true feelings. He plans to do so tonight after dinner.

Chapter Eight: An Unexpected Emergency

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Later that evening after dinner. Frodo is lying on his bed while he reads a comic book. Aragorn is polishing his sword. There is a knock on their door.

ARAGORN Come in.

The door opens. It is Bilbo.

BILBO Aragorn, your friend Boromir is downstairs. Were you expecting him tonight?

ARAGORN No. In fact, I was planning to go out tonight. I wonder what he wants?

BILBO He seems anxious to speak with you about something.

ARAGORN I'll go down and see him.

Suddenly Boromir pokes his head through the doorway, much to Bilbo's annoyance.

BILBO I thought I told you to wait downstairs.

BOROMIR My apologies, Mr. Baggins. I really need to speak with my good buddy Aragorn about something.

BILBO Well, don't stay long. You two boys have school tomorrow.

Bilbo leaves and heads downstairs.

BOROMIR (sees Frodo) Beat it, squirt!

FRODO Hey, this is MY bedroom, too! You can't kick me out!

BOROMIR Wanna bet?

ARAGORN Boromir, lay off of Frodo. What is it you wanted to tell me?

BOROMIR I don't want to tell you in front of the squirt. Can't you tell him to take a hike?

FRODO I'm still here! Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room!

ARAGORN Frodo, would you please excuse us while I have a private word with Boromir? I'm sorry to interrupt your reading. I promise it won't be long.

FRODO (glares at Boromir) Well, Aragorn, since you asked me so nicely, okay.

He takes his comic book and leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

ARAGORN Okay, Boromir. What is it?

BOROMIR I have a really bad feeling about Lurtz. I think he's really out to get me.

ARAGORN Did he threaten you after you bumped into him in the library earlier today?

BOROMIR Not in so many words. He growled at me, but then Miss Buckram appeared, so he made like he was being the perfect well-behaved library patron and sat down to read.

ARAGORN Lucky for you. Well, you know you can count on me to help. I'll watch your back when we meet his team for the play-offs. And I'm sure you can also count on Gimli and Legolas for assistance.

BOROMIR Thanks, buddy. You're the greatest.

There is another knock on the door.

ARAGORN Come in.

The door opens. This time it is Gandalf.

GANDALF Aragorn, Principal Elrond just called. He needs you to meet him right away at the school. It's an emergency. His daughter Miss Arwen is over there working late. She's barricaded herself in his office and phoned her father because Orcs are there and are trying to attack her.

ARAGORN Orcs?!

GANDALF Miss Arwen overheard some noise coming from the gymnasium, so she went to see what it was. Orcs were vandalizing the place. They saw her, so she turned and ran.

ARAGORN Let's go!

BOROMIR Right behind you, buddy.

Aragorn grabs his sword and they rush downstairs.

FRODO Hey, where are you all going?

GANDALF You stay here, Frodo. It's too dangerous.

FRODO Uncle Bilbo told me what happened! I'm going, too! I'm not going to let anything happen to Miss Arwen! See?

Frodo shows them Sting.

ARAGORN Nothing we can say will stop you from following us, so we may as well let you come along. Hurry!

They all rush outside and jump into the car. It peels away toward the school.

GANDALF Principal Elrond has already called Gimli and Legolas. They are on their way to the school, too.

Chapter Nine: Payback

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The school of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Boromir, Frodo and Gandalf arrive. They find the front doors unlocked because Principal Elrond, Gimli and Legolas had arrived before them.

The doors to the gymnasium are open. It is strewn with toilet paper. The walls are covered in painted words: 'ORCS OF MORIA RULE!' and 'RANGERS ARE MAMA'S BOYS!'

Principal Elrond, Gimli, Legolas are with Miss Arwen in the office. The door to the office is broken off the hinges and is on the floor. There are no Orcs in sight.

ARAGORN Miss Arwen, are you all right?

MISS ARWEN Yes, thank you. Fortunately, Daddy keeps a spare sword here in his office. (shows everyone the sword she holds)

PRINCIPAL ELROND Yes, that and thanks also to the trap door I had installed recently here in my office.

He points to the opening in front of his desk.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Careful not to fall. This trap door comes in handy for when I have meetings with parents of problem students. Sometimes those parents have tunnel vision and only want to listen to their child's side of the story.

ARAGORN To where does the trap door lead?

PRINCIPAL ELROND That, my dear Ranger, is on a need to know basis. At the moment you don't really need to know.

ARAGORN So those Orcs all fell into that hole?

MISS ARWEN Yes, thank goodness.

Frodo goes over to Miss Arwen and takes her hand.

FRODO I'm so relieved to see that you're all right, Miss Arwen!

MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo. I'm touched that you all came to help.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Well, it's going to take a lot of work to clean the gymnasium. It's late. Let's deal with it in the morning. Come, daughter. Let's go home.

MISS ARWEN Yes, Daddy. Good night, everybody.

They leave the school. Aragorn decides to postpone revealing his true feelings to the love of his life, as it would be awkward to try to take his beloved aside privately with everyone around.

SCENE: The next morning in school. Boromir and Aragorn are surveying the damage done to the gym.

BOROMIR Aragorn, we're not going to let those Orcs get away with trashing our gym, are we?

ARAGORN What do you propose we do?

BOROMIR Trash their gym?

ARAGORN No. Let's be more creative.

BOROMIR Like what?

ARAGORN How about we steal their mascot? It'd be right before the big game.

BOROMIR I like it!

SCENE: Later that night Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are sneaking into the Moria School. It used to be a school for Dwarfs until it was taken over by Orcs.

FRODO What is their school mascot, Aragorn?

ARAGORN I don't know. Perhaps they have a donkey.

LEGOLAS It must be behind that door over there.

The Elf points to a very large door labeled with a sign that reads SCHOOL MASCOT.

BOROMIR Oh, ya think?

The Son of Gondor slowly opens the door and peeks into the room. Then he quickly slams the door shut.

BOROMIR They have a Cave Troll!

They quickly back away from the door. It is pushed open and the Cave Troll carrying a sledge hammer emerges. The creature is huge and very scary looking.

FRODO That's the mascot we're going to steal??!!

The Cave Troll starts swinging the sledge hammer.

ARAGORN Frodo! Run! All you Hobbits get out of here!

The battle ensues.

They defeat the Cave Troll. It lies dead on the floor in the lobby of the school.

ARAGORN So much for stealing their mascot. Killing it may have been taking it a step too far.

BOROMIR Hey, it was either that or end up as a Cave Troll's toe jam! Speaking for myself, I haven't grown tired yet of breathing and walking upright. Hey, Legsy, what are you doing?

LEGOLAS I am retrieving my arrows from the corpse. These are still perfectly good arrows.

ARAGORN Let's get out of here.

They flee, leaving the dead Cave Troll on the floor.

Chapter Ten: Frodo Looks Into The Mirror

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The following weekend. Frodo is earning money by pulling weeds in Lady Galadriel's garden. She emerges from the back door of her house. Frodo looks up and sees her carrying a pitcher. She walks over toward the birdbath and empties the pitcher of water into the birdbath. She speaks to Frodo.

GALADRIEL Will you look into the mirror?

FRODO (thinking to himself) Mirror? It's a birdbath. What is she? Crackers? Oh, well. Better humor her since she's paying me to do this weeding.

He smiles and nods.

FRODO What will I see?

GALADRIEL What was. What is. What will be.

Frodo gazes into the water. He sees Miss Aragorn alone in her classroom. She is grading papers. The door opens and in walks Aragorn.

Frodo watches what transpires between the Ranger and his teacher. His heart shatters and tears well up in his eyes, then roll down his adorable Hobbit face.

Then he sees the gymnasium getting trashed with toilet paper and paint. Frodo is shocked when he sees who is doing it.

Frodo falls backward. He does not wish to see anymore that the mirror can reveal.

GALADRIEL I know what it was you saw, for that is also in my mind.

FRODO How could she? And how could he? He knows how I feel about her!

GALADRIEL You are in pain, little one. But do not despair. Time will be your friend, as it heals wounds such as the one you feel now.

FRODO I have to leave. I must see Aragorn.

GALADRIEL What will you tell him?

FRODO I'm not sure yet. I'll have to think carefully first.

GALADRIEL A wise decision. Do not rush to speak in anger. He does care about you.

FRODO Yes, he does. He's always looked out for me. I'll see you next week, Lady Galadriel.

He leaves her backyard and heads home.

SCENE: The Soda Shop. A popular hangout of the students. Boromir is speaking with a group of his classmates.

BOROMIR Now the only way this is going to work is if we ALL cooperate. Can I count on your votes?

TEEN BOY You bet, Boromir. I think it's a great plan.

TEEN GIRL Count me in, too.

BOROMIR Great! Well, that's the last of it. Come the night of the Senior Prom, we will all see the plan of a genius, yours truly, come together! And it will be a beautiful sight, believe you me!

SCENE: Frodo's home. He goes upstairs to the room he shares with the Ranger. He sees Aragorn reading a book. Frodo pauses. He still has not formed the right words in his mind to tell Aragorn he knows about the kiss that took place between him and Miss Arwen. Then he wonders if it would be better to say nothing. Who was he, a mere Hobbit, to stand in the way of their desire to be together?

ARAGORN Hello, Frodo. Back so soon from weeding Lady Galadriel's garden?

FRODO Uh, yeah. I'll go back there next week. I'm going to wash up for dinner. See ya.

ARAGORN Okay.

He smiles at Frodo, then goes back to reading his book.

SCENE: The home of Principal Elrond and Miss Arwen. Miss Arwen is doing needlepoint and thinking quietly to herself. She wonders if her father suspects anything about that night the gymnasium was trashed. She thinks back to that night and how she had very carefully made sure not to get any paint on herself when she painted the words on the wall and strewn toilet paper all over the gym. Her plan was to make Aragorn think she was in danger so that he would rush over to rescue her, then his feelings for her would surface again and she would again experience the joy of being held in his strong muscular arms and then he would kiss her. She didn't care about her father's rule about no fraternizing between faculty members and students. She yearns for Aragorn and is willing to defy her father. But her plan failed.

SCENE: Back at Frodo's home. Frodo is thinking to himself as he washes his hands. That night when they had rushed over to the school they had not seen any Orcs who supposedly had trashed the gym and were supposedly trying to get at Miss Arwen who had barricaded herself in her father's office. Lady Galadriel's mirror had revealed to him what had really happened that night. But he does not understand why his teacher did all that. And what of the Cave Troll? Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli killed the Orcs's mascot to get back at them for something they did not do. Frodo feels extremely guilty about that.

Chapter Eleven: Prom Night

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Weeks later. Senior Prom Night. The gymnasium is beautifully decorated. Everyone is dressed in formal wear. Music plays and everyone dances. Gandalf, Bilbo, Principal Elrond, Miss Arwen, Miss Eowyn and a few other faculty members are there as chaperones. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are there, too. They are working at the refreshment stand.

Aragorn steps up to the podium. He turns on the microphone.

ARAGORN Attention, everyone. I'd like to make an announcement, please.

Everyone hushes and turns to face Aragorn.

ARAGORN We've come a long way over the past few years to finally make it here to this very special night. I just want to say what I'm sure many of you are thinking. We're very sad that my best friend Boromir could not be here with us. If he can hear and see us know, I know he'd want us to remember the good times we shared with him and to celebrate those moments with joy and laughter. So let's honor the memory of our dearly departed classmate and good friend Boromir, the Son of Gondor.

The entire roomful of people turn and gaze at the large framed portrait of Boromir that hangs on the wall. It is surrounded by beautiful flowers.

Aragorn thinks of that day when he saw Boromir killed by Lurtz at the big game. Three arrows, one by one pierced the body of the Son of Gondor before Aragorn was able to hurl himself at Lurtz and knock him down. Decapitating Lurtz gave the Ranger only a moment of satisfaction, but it could not bring back Boromir. He had wept for his friend, as did Gimli and Legolas.

What Aragorn does not know is that the plan that Boromir had put into place weeks ago was about to come together. All the other classmates kept their promise to not breathe a word of it, so as not to spoil the surprise.

After an hour of dancing and music, Principal Elrond stepped up the podium.

PRINCIPAL ELROND It is now time to announce the Prom King!

Everyone hushes and turns to face Principal Elrond.

Gimli hands a piece of paper to the principal.

PRINCIPAL ELROND This year's Prom King is. . . ARAGORN!

Everyone claps and cheers. Aragorn is startled. He smiles and walks up to the podium. Miss Arwen places a crown on his head and a royal cape around his broad muscular shoulders. She smiles at him and plants a soft kiss on his cheek. Principal Elrond raises one eyebrow at that, but says nothing.

PRINCIPAL ELROND And now it is time to announce the Prom Queen!

Gimli hands a second piece of paper to the principal.

PRINCIPAL ELROND This year's Prom Queen is. . . LEGOLAS??!!

Legolas does a double-take.

LEGOLAS How can this be? I didn't even run for Prom Queen!

Everyone claps and cheers. They urge Legolas to step up to the podium. He slowly does. The Elf feels embarrassed, but he smiles and decides to be a good sport about this.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Legolas, according to the results of the ballot count, you won by a landslide!

Miss Eowyn approaches with a tiara which she places on Legolas's head. She also hands him a huge bouquet of beautiful red roses.

Aragorn and Legolas look sheepishly at each other. They had no idea this would happen tonight.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the senior class Prom King and Queen! They will now dance together.

Everyone again claps and cheers.

ARAGORN (whispers to Legolas) I've been meaning to talk to you about us. But the time never seemed right.

LEGOLAS (whispers back to Aragorn) How about while we're dancing?

Aragorn smiles and nods. The music plays a slow number and they dance.

Aragorn notices someone making his way through the crowd. For a moment the Prom King thinks he sees the ghost of Boromir. Then he realizes the person he sees bears a strong resemblance to Boromir, but it's not his dearly departed friend.

After the dance Aragorn and Legolas go over to the one who resembles Boromir and introduce themselves.

ARAGORN And to whom do we have the pleasure of speaking?

PRINCIPAL ELROND Ah, Aragorn and Legolas. Allow me introduce you to Faramir, the brother of Boromir.

FARAMIR A pleasure to meet you both. My brother told me so much about you.

ARAGORN Boromir did mention once that he had a brother, but that you lived outside of Mayfield. Are you here at this dance alone?

FARAMIR No, actually I'm meeting my date here. Oh, there she is.

Miss Eowyn smiles and comes over. Faramir embraces her.

FARAMIR You look beautiful tonight. May I have this dance?

MISS EOWYN You may, kind sir.

Frodo sees Miss Arwen standing off to the side drinking some punch. He walks over to her.

MISS ARWEN Hello, Frodo. What do you think of the Prom?

FRODO It's going very well. Looks great, sounds great and everyone looks like they're having a good time.

MISS ARWEN The King and Queen look very happy together. I could tell while they were dancing.

FRODO Yes, they do. Miss Arwen, if you ever need a friend to talk to about anything that's troubling you, I hope you won't hesitate to come to me. I'll always be there for you.

Miss Arwen stares at the Hobbit and smiles.

MISS ARWEN Frodo, you are a dear special person. I'm honored to know you. And I'll keep in mind what you just said now.

She gives Frodo a hug.

FRODO May I have this dance, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN You certainly may.

THE END

Leave It To Frodo (Part One - Chapters 1 through 5)
Disclaimer: I don't own The Lord of the Rings and/or Leave It To Beaver.

Chapter One: Leave It To Frodo

Scene: Mayfield, Middle Earth. Suburban setting sometime in the late 1950's. We see a lovely house with a beautiful front yard surrounded with a white picket fence. Frodo is sitting on the front stoop. The door opens. Frodo sees Aragorn about to leave the house with Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.

FRODO Hi, fellas! Where are you going? Can I come, too?

ARAGORN Sorry, Frodo. I promised the guys it'd be just us today. We have a practice meet on the battlefield.

BOROMIR Yeah, beat it, squirt!

ARAGORN Hey, knock it off, Boromir!

BOROMIR What are you yelling at me for? He always wants to tag along. (turns to Frodo) Run along and play with your own friends, squirt!

ARAGORN (sternly) Boromir, I'm warning you. Cut it out or I'll make you sorry you ever started picking on Frodo.

Boromir sees the serious look on Aragorn's face and also sees Aragorn fingering the handle of his Anduril sword and realizes he has gone too far. BOROMIR Okay, okay! Geez, Louise! I was just kidding!

ARAGORN Frodo, you and I can do something together tomorrow. I promise. But today it's just the guys and me. Okay?

FRODO (sad look on his adorable Hobbit face) Well, okay, Aragorn. Have a good time, fellas.

ARAGORN (feeling guilty) I promise I'll make it up to you, Frodo. I'll even treat you to an ice cream cone, okay?

FRODO (face brightens up a little) Really? Okay!

ARAGORN (smiles) See you later.

Scene: Living room of the house.

BILBO Gandalf, I'm worried about Frodo.

GANDALF You are? I must admit that I myself have been concerned about the little fellow. Earlier today I had a talk with Aragorn to remind him that he did take an oath to protect that little Hobbit.

BILBO How did it go?

GANDALF It went well. Aragorn's a good man. He just needed that little reminder.

BILBO I'm glad. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll give this house a good vacuuming since I'm already all dressed in my finest clothes.

GANDALF The pearls give the ensemble a nice touch.

BILBO Thank you. I thought so. So did Boromir with his usual, "My, what a lovely outfit you're wearing today, Mr. Baggins." Gawd, what a suck-up! What on earth does Aragorn see in him as a friend?

GANDALF Oh, I'm sure he has his good qualities. I just can't think of any at the moment. Well, I'm going to my den now to read up on magic spells. I'll see you a little later, my friend.

BILBO (mutters to himself) Sure, leave me with all the housework to do. Go hide in your den and smoke Hobbit weed.

Scene: Streets and sidewalks of this suburban town. Frodo and Sam are walking along. Sam is carrying a bag of doughnuts. He offers one to Frodo. Frodo politely refuses. Sam shrugs and happily munches on the doughnut.

FRODO Look, Sam. There are Merry and Pippin. Let's go say hi.

SAM (nods instead of speaking as his mouth is full of doughnut)

FRODO Hey, fellas. What are you doing?

MERRY Hi, Frodo. Hi, Sam. We're just trying to decide if that giant coffee cup up on top of that billboard is really filled with hot steaming coffee or not.

PIPPIN I say it IS hot coffee. Why else would it be steaming like that?

MERRY I say it's some sort of machine. Or maybe it's magic. Maybe Gandalf made that giant coffee cup and his magic keeps it steaming.

PIPPIN Well, there's only one way to find out for sure.

FRODO How?

PIPPIN Someone will have to climb up there and look inside.

MERRY Yeah!

PIPPIN Hey, Frodo, why don't you go on up there and tell us what's inside?

FRODO Me? Why me? I don't care what's making it steam.

MERRY What are you, Frodo? Chicken?

PIPPIN Yeah, Frodo! Are you chicken?

FRODO I'm not chicken! I just don't care what makes it steam. Since you guys are the ones who care, why don't one of YOU climb up there?

MERRY Frodo's a chicken! Frodo's a chicken!

PIPPIN Cluck, cluck, cluck! Frodo's a chicken!

FRODO Sam, aren't you going to say anything?

SAM (points to his mouth full of doughnut to indicate he can't talk at the moment)

Frodo rolls his eyes in exasperation.

Merry and Pippin continue clucking like chickens and teasing Frodo. Sam finishes swallowing his mouthful of doughnut.

SAM Frodo, why don't you go ahead and climb up there? It'll give you a chance to get rid of that ring you still have.

FRODO What do you mean, Sam?

SAM You still have it, don't you?

FRODO Well, yeah. What with school and homework and chores and stuff, I just haven't had time to get rid of it like I was supposed to. Gee whiz, Sam. How would climbing up to that giant coffee cup help me get rid of this ring?

SAM You could throw it down inside! If it's really magic hot steaming coffee, then won't the powerful magic destroy the ring?

FRODO M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don't know. What if it doesn't work? Then I'd only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What if I break something?

SAM Frodo, listen to the guys! They think you're chicken! Are you going to let them believe that about you?

FRODO (pauses to think this over) Hmmm. W-well, I guess not. I don't want it getting around town or in school that I was too chicken. Hey, fellas!

MERRY What, chicken? I mean, Frodo?

PIPPIN Yeah, what?

FRODO I'm gonna do it! Watch me!

MERRY and PIPPIN Hooray! Go Frodo! Go Frodo!

SAM Go Frodo! Oh, but if you fall and get hurt, it wasn't my idea, okay?

Frodo glares at Sam.

Scene: Practice field in Mayfield, Middle Earth

ARAGORN Great practice session, guys. You did good.

GIMLI We will do well in our next battle against those Orcs.

LEGOLAS Indeed. We make a great team.

BOROMIR Aragorn, how come you always get to be the Captain?

ARAGORN (rolls his eyes) Do we have to have this conversation every time we do this?

Scene: The billboard with the giant coffee cup on top. Frodo is teetering on the edge of the cup. Sam, Merry and Pippin are down below staring up at him.

SAM You can do it, Frodo! You're almost there! Just throw the Ring into that giant coffee cup!

FRODO Whoaaaaaa! (falls headfirst into the giant coffee cup)

SAM Frodo!

MERRY Uh-oh. Hey, I think I hear my mom calling me.

PIPPIN Uh, me, too! I gotta run. 'Bye, Sam!

Merry and Pippin take off running as fast as their Hobbit feet can carry them.

SAM

Hey! Come back here, you guys! Don't leave us! Frodo needs help!

FRODO Sam! Help me!

SAM Frodo! What's inside the cup? Is it hot coffee?

FRODO No!

SAM

Well, what is it?

FRODO

Why don't you get your sorry ass up here and find out for yourself, you stupid moronic sad excuse for a friend! I could kick myself for letting you talk me into climbing up here! You better hope I never get out of here because if I ever do, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass all the way out of Mayfield, Middle Earth!

SAM Frodo?! I-I've never heard you yell at me like that. How could you? I thought we were best friends!

FRODO Are you going to start crying now, you idiot? I'll give you something to cry about! Just you wait!

SAM (bawls) Waaaawww!

Word quickly reaches Bilbo and Gandalf about Frodo's situation. Gandalf, with the help of the giant flying eagle, rescues Frodo from inside the giant coffee cup.

Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.

FRODO I'll never do anything like that again. I promise.

BILBO Well, we're glad to hear that, Frodo. We're even more glad that you're okay.

GANDALF Aragorn, don't you have something you want to say to Frodo?

ARAGORN Well, okay. Frodo, I'm sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.

*group hug!*

Chapter Two: Miss Arwen Comes To Dinner

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Frodo's classroom after the bell has rung and the other students have left. Frodo is nervously hanging around by his teacher's desk. His teacher is the very beautiful Elf, Miss Arwen. She looks up from her paperwork and smiles at Frodo.

MISS ARWEN Yes, Frodo?

FRODO Uh, Miss Arwen, I was just wondering if, uh, well, if, uh ---

MISS ARWEN (smiling gently) Yes?

FRODO W-would you like to come over to my house for dinner this Saturday night? My Uncle Bilbo is a terrific cook. And seeing as how you're my favorite teacher of all the teachers I've ever had, I'd consider it a real honor and pleasure if you'd say yes.

MISS ARWEN Why, Frodo, that's very sweet of you. I would love to have dinner with you. Thank you for such a gracious invitation.

FRODO Wow! You're very welcome, Miss Arwen! Could you come over at six o'clock? That's when we usually have dinner.

MISS ARWEN Certainly, Frodo. I'm looking forward to it.

FRODO So am I, Miss Arwen! Good-night. See you tomorrow in class.

MISS ARWEN Good-night, Frodo.

What Frodo and Miss Arwen do not realize is that Merry and Pippin happened to be outside the doorway and heard the conversation that took place between Miss Arwen and Frodo. They quickly ran off before Frodo saw them.

MERRY Wow! Miss Arwen's going to have dinner at Frodo's house!

PIPPIN He's such a teacher's pet! What should we do?

MERRY What do you mean?

PIPPIN Oh, come on, Merry. This is too good a chance to pass up. Let's figure out what we can do this Saturday night at Frodo's house when Miss Arwen is there. We can't let Frodo get away with this. Hmpf! Teacher's pet!

The two of them leave the school and head home while they discuss what they could do.

SCENE: Saturday evening at Frodo's house. It is almost six o'clock. Frodo is dressed in his finest clothes and is anxious and nervous.

FRODO (knocking on the bathroom door) Aragorn! Are you almost ready? You took a bath and shaved, right? And you washed your hair, too, right? Be sure to put on your good clothes, you hear me?

ARAGORN (coming out of the bathroom) Frodo, don't be such a dope. What do you take me for? I don't plan to embarrass you in front of your teacher. I'll be on my best behavior. See? I'm perfectly groomed. I bathed, shampooed, shaved and now I'm going to put on my best clothes.

FRODO Good. I'm going downstairs to check on Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo. I hope everything is going okay in the kitchen.

ARAGORN Relax, Frodo. Take a few deep breaths. Gee, you're shaking like a leaf. She's just your teacher.

FRODO Yeah, well maybe to you she's just my teacher. But she's the best teacher I ever had, so I want this evening to go perfectly.

ARAGORN Okay, okay. I'll do all I can to help make that happen. You go on downstairs while I get dressed. See you in a few minutes.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.

SCENE: The living room. The doorbell rings.

FRODO I'll get it!

He opens the door. It is the beautiful Miss Arwen.

FRODO Good evening, Miss Arwen. Come in.

MISS ARWEN Good evening, Frodo. Thank you. My, you have a lovely home.

FRODO Thank you. Oh, here comes Aragorn. Miss Arwen, this is Aragorn. Aragorn, this is my teacher Miss Arwen. Let me take your coat and hang it up, Miss Arwen.

MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo.

While Frodo is hanging up Miss Arwen's coat in the closet, he does not notice his teacher and Aragorn gazing at each other in amazement. Aragorn is in awe of her beauty, and Miss Arwen is in awe of the rugged good looks of the tall, muscular handsome Ranger.

FRODO Come sit in the living room, Miss Arwen.

He leads his teacher toward the sofa. The living room is immaculate with fresh flowers in a vase adorning the coffee table. Uncle Bilbo had given the house a thorough cleaning earlier that afternoon while dressed in his finest clothes and pearls, and right before preparing a ten course dinner all from scratch in honor of Miss Arwen's visit.

Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo come out of the kitchen to greet their guest. They spend a few minutes chatting. Soon it is time for dinner.

FRODO Take my arm, Miss Arwen. I'll escort you to the dining room.

MISS ARWEN My goodness, aren't you the perfect gentleman, Frodo.

Frodo smiles and she takes his arm.

SCENE: The dining room. Everyone is seated around the table.

Dinner starts out well. The conversation is pleasant. But as the evening progresses, Frodo notices the looks exchanged between Miss Arwen and Aragorn. He also notices that as Aragorn passes the bread to Miss Arwen the two of them briefly touch hands. Frodo notices there is an attraction between his teacher and the Ranger. Frodo feels a heavy lump in his throat. Suddenly he no longer feels hungry.

BILBO Well, who's ready for dessert? I made strawberry shortcake.

MISS ARWEN That sound delicious, Mr. Baggins. I'd love a piece.

BILBO I'll be right back with dessert.

FRODO May I please be excused? I don't feel very well.

GANDALF What's wrong, Frodo?

FRODO I just need to get some fresh air. I'll be right back.

Frodo rushes from the table and heads out to the backyard. He sits on the patio furniture and a tear rolls down his adorable Hobbit face. He sobs.

MISS ARWEN Oh, dear. I hope it's nothing serious.

ARAGORN Maybe I should go out there.

GANDALF No, Aragorn. You stay here. Let's leave the little fellow to himself for now. Hmmm. Miss Arwen, did you know that when I was a very young lad I once had a tremendous crush on my schoolteacher?

MISS ARWEN Really?

GANDALF Yes. She was the nicest, sweetest, most beautiful teacher I ever had. I never told her about my feelings for her. Lacked the courage, I guess.

MISS ARWEN (pauses and suddenly it dawns on her) Oh, dear. Oh, no. Poor Frodo!

ARAGORN Oh, no. The poor little guy.

MISS ARWEN I must go speak with him. Excuse me, please.

She gets up from the table and goes out to the backyard. She quietly approaches Frodo and sits beside him.

MISS ARWEN Frodo? Are you all right?

She hands him a clean handkerchief.

FRODO (takes the handkerchief and blows into it) Y-yes. Didn't you want to stay inside for dessert? Uncle Bilbo makes a delicious strawberry shortcake.

MISS ARWEN I'd enjoy it better if you could be there with us to have dessert. Frodo, may I tell you something?

FRODO Sure, Miss Arwen. You can tell me anything you like.

MISS ARWEN You're one of my very best students I've ever had the pleasure of instructing in all my years as a teacher. And you're also a very fine person. You're kind, well-mannered, hard-working, and very responsible. I'm very glad I know you.

FRODO Gee whiz, Miss Arwen. You mean it?

MISS ARWEN Yes, I certainly do mean it. If only I'd met you when I was a few years younger, I could really take a fancy to you. But I'm afraid I'll just have to settle for being your teacher. When you're all grown up, whoever ends up sharing your life with you will be one very lucky person.

FRODO Wow, Miss Arwen! You sure are swell!

MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo. Are you feeling well enough to come inside for some dessert?

FRODO I sure am! Uh, can I give you a hug?

MISS ARWEN I'd love a hug from you, Frodo.

They stand up and hug. She smiles. Then she has a puzzled look on her face. She turns and looks downward.

MISS ARWEN Uh, Frodo?

FRODO Yes, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN You can take your hands off of my bottom now.

FRODO (grins sheepishly) Okay, Miss Arwen.

They go inside the house.

Meanwhile hiding way up in one of the tall trees in the backyard are Merry and Pippin.

MERRY Did you see that?

PIPPIN Sure I did! Did you hear all of that?

MERRY I sure did.

Suddenly they hear a loud cough from above. They look upward and see Legolas frowning at them.

LEGOLAS If you two boys know what's best for you, you'll climb down this tree quietly, go home and not make any trouble for Frodo and Miss Arwen. Or you'll both feel the sharpness of my arrows in your round little bottoms.

MERRY and PIPPIN (nervously) Yes, sir, Legolas. Uh, 'bye now. Gotta go.

They run home.

SCENE: The bedroom that Frodo and Aragorn share. Gandalf and Bilbo have wished them a good-night and closed the door.

FRODO (sleepily) Good-night, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good-night, Frodo. Oh, I have to use the bathroom. I'll keep it quiet so as not to disturb you.

FRODO Thanks, Aragorn. Zzzzzzzzz.

Aragorn enters the bathroom to use the facilities. He finishes and then washes his hands. He hears a soft tap on the bathroom window. He opens it and sees the face of a beautiful blond Elf.

ARAGORN Legolas? What are you doing here?

LEGOLAS Do you think I'm blind? When are you planning to toss me aside for Frodo's teacher? Were you even going to tell me, or do you plan to juggle the both of us?

ARAGORN Shhhhhh! This is not a good time! You'll have to leave.

LEGOLAS Fine. But we WILL have this conversation, my little Ranger.

The Elf silently and quickly disappears.

Aragorn sighs.

Chapter Three: A Kiss In The Classroom

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Miss Arwen's classroom at the end of the school day. The students have left. She is alone grading papers. There is a knock on the door, then it opens. Miss Arwen looks up and is surprised to see Aragorn.

MISS ARWEN Oh! Aragorn. What brings you here?

ARAGORN I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd walk Frodo home from school. I guess I must have missed him.

MISS ARWEN Yes. Class was dismissed fifteen minutes ago.

ARAGORN Oh. I see. Uh, how are you, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN Fine, thank you. And you?

ARAGORN Couldn't be better.

He smiles and closes the door, then walks slowly toward her.

ARAGORN Is there anything I can help you with? Wash the blackboard? Clap erasers?

Miss Arwen smiles.

MISS ARWEN No, thank you, Aragorn. I'm almost finished here grading these papers. I'll be leaving soon.

Aragorn sits on the edge of her desk and smiles at her.

ARAGORN We enjoyed having you over for dinner last weekend. Bilbo and Gandalf could not stop raving about you and how much they enjoyed your company.

MISS ARWEN That's very nice to hear.

ARAGORN I noticed Principal Elrond escorting two of Frodo's classmates into his office when I was walking down the hall on my way here. Merry and Pippin. How are they doing in your class?

MISS ARWEN Fairly well. But I had to send them to see Principal Elrond because they're having trouble paying attention in my class.

ARAGORN I find that hard to believe. If I had a teacher like you, I would not be able to take my eyes off of you or stop listening to each and every word that comes from your lips. (slowly) Your soft . . . luscious . . . beautiful . . . lips.

Aragorn moves toward Miss Arwen. He gently cups her face in his hands. He leans forward and kisses her. She does not resist.

He releases her. There is an embarrassed silence between them. She feels flustered. They are both breathing hard.

MISS ARWEN I'd better leave now.

She quickly gathers together the papers on her desk and places them inside her briefcase. He places his hands over hers and stops her.

ARAGORN (softly) I'd really like to see you sometime soon, but not in school.

MISS ARWEN Perhaps that's not such a good idea. What if Frodo were to see us together? A schoolboy's crush can be very powerful, and I don't want to hurt him.

ARAGORN I care about Frodo, too. But we can't deny how we feel about each other. At least, I know I can't.

MISS ARWEN You're very sure of yourself, Ranger. How do you know how I feel about you? That is, if I even have any feelings for you?

Aragorn stares at her, then chuckles.

ARAGORN I see. You're going to play hard to get. Fine.

He turns and saunters toward the door, opens it, then turns to face her.

ARAGORN Good night, Miss Arwen.

He leaves and closes the door behind him.

She stares at the closed door.

MISS ARWEN Damn that Ranger!

She sits down in her chair, lowers her head on the desk and pouts to herself.

SCENE: The front stoop of Frodo's home. Frodo is sitting there tossing and catching a baseball. He sees Aragorn approaching.

FRODO Hi, Aragorn. How was your day?

ARAGORN Good. And yours?

FRODO I had a good day, too. Can't complain when I have Miss Arwen for a teacher. She's swell!

ARAGORN Yeah. Swell. I'm going inside. Are you coming in or staying out here?

FRODO I guess I'll come inside. Uncle Bilbo might have dinner ready soon.

ARAGORN Why don't you make yourself useful by washing your hands and setting the table? I'll see you in a few minutes.

FRODO Okay.

Aragorn heads upstairs to their bedroom. He enters, closes the door and suddenly feels himself pushed facedown onto his bed. A body covers his. He looks at the slender hands and wrists that are pinning down his hands.

ARAGORN Legolas, what are you doing in my room?

LEGOLAS Waiting for you. You certainly took a long time getting home. School let out over an hour ago. Where were you?

ARAGORN You're so smart. Why don't you figure it out?

LEGOLAS Do you really think it's a good idea to get involved with Frodo's teacher?

ARAGORN It's really none of your business.

LEGOLAS Oh, I think it is. (sniffs) You smell of flowery perfume. You were with her. Don't deny it.

ARAGORN Legolas, we need to talk.

LEGOLAS I totally agree. But not here. Not now.

ARAGORN All right. Where? When?

LEGOLAS I'll let you know. I have to go now. But you think over what you are risking by getting involved with Miss Arwen. Think very carefully.

Within seconds, Legolas disappears silently out the window.

Aragorn looks outside. Legolas is nowhere in sight.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) How does he do that?

Chapter Four: Miss Eowyn

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons. Suddenly Aragorn notices a young attractive woman walking along the edge of the field and wielding a sword. She swings it back and forth with smooth precise movements.

ARAGORN Who is that?

LEGOLAS She must be the new physical education instructor for the girls.

GIMLI She appears to know how to handle a sword.

BOROMIR Wow! What a babe! Hmm. Maybe I'll give her a thrill and give her a taste of the famous Boromir charm that all the luscious ladies go for.

ARAGORN I'll go introduce myself. After all, I am team captain of the Rangers. Swords are my specialty.

BOROMIR Aragorn, why do you always get to be the captain?

ARAGORN (ignoring Boromir) Wait here, guys. I won't be long.

He walks over to the woman swinging the sword. She does not see him approaching. She swings her sword and would have struck Aragorn had he not stopped her with his own sword with his expert swing. Their eyes lock in a mesmerized gaze.

ARAGORN Not bad for a girl. I am Aragorn, the team captain of the Rangers.

EOWYN I'm a woman, not a girl. I am the girls' new physical education instructor. You may address me as Miss Eowyn. And I don't think I care for your patronizing attitude. 'Not bad for a girl.' From what cave did you just crawl?

ARAGORN My apologies. I'm not used to seeing a sword being wielded so well from a member of the fairer sex.

EOWYN Well, get used to it, buddy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to practice my movements.

ARAGORN May I offer a few pointers? Just my way of showing good will to make up for any transgression I may have inadvertently committed.

EOWNY (pauses as she looks him up and down) Very well. But I doubt you can teach me something about swords that I don't already know.

Meanwhile Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen are leaving the school building. They are taking a short cut to the parking lot by cutting across the athletic field. Miss Arwen stops dead in her tracks when she sees Aragorn and Eowyn. He is standing closely behind Eowyn with his arms wrapped around her. His hands are guiding her hands as he shows her how to swing the sword. Miss Arwen can see their faces close together, so close that it would be very easy for Aragorn to steal a kiss from Eowyn.

MISS ARWEN Daddy, who is that woman over there with the Ranger?

PRINCIPAL ELROND Oh, that's right. You have not yet met the school's new physical education instructor for the girls. Come along. I'll introduce you to her.

Chapter Five: A New Rule

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings

SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen approach Aragorn and Eowyn. The Ranger notices the pair approaching. He releases Eowyn from his embrace, much to Eowyn's disappointment. She was enjoying the feel of the Ranger's body warmth and the tempered steel-like muscles holding her closely.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn, I'd like you to meet my daughter Arwen. She teaches the younger students, mostly Hobbits.

EOWYN How do you do?

MISS ARWEN Very well, thank you. And you?

EOWYN Just great. I really think I'm going to like it here.

Miss Arwen notices Eowyn smiling at Aragorn as she says this. Aragorn smiles back at Eowyn.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn transferred here from Rohan. Their loss is our gain, I trust.

EOWYN Thank you, Principal Elrond.

She did not tell them that the main reason she transferred over was to get away from the creepy leers of Grima Wormtongue, the Counselor at the Rohan School. Her father Principal Theoden valued the advice Wormtongue gave him, even though Eowyn thought most of what Wormtongue told him was horse doo-doo.

EOWYN (thinking to herself) Maybe after I get to know these people better, I'll them why I really left Rohan. But it's too soon right now.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Well, we must be going now. See you in school tomorrow.

EOWYN Good night.

ARAGORN Good night, Principal Elrond. Good night, Miss Arwen.

MISS ARWEN Good night, all.

As Miss Arwen and her father walk toward their car, she glances back and sees Aragorn and Eowyn deep in conversation. Principal Elrond glances back and frowns slightly at the pair standing closely together as they laugh and talk.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Hmmm. Tomorrow I will have to issue a memorandum to the faculty about a new rule that will go into effect immediately.

MISS ARWEN New rule? What do you mean, Daddy?

PRINCIPAL ELROND No fraternizing between faculty members and students. We don't currently have a policy about that because the subject never came up. But now I think it's time I put one in place.

MISS ARWEN Oh.

Later that night Miss Arwen lay in her bed. She thinks about the new rule her father would be putting into effect about no fraternizing between faculty members and students.

MISS ARWEN (thinking to herself) What would Daddy have done if he had walked in on Aragorn and me in my classroom when we were kissing? Oh, dear.

She drifts off to sleep and dreams of being back in the classroom and reliving the moment when Aragorn spoke of her soft luscious lips right before he kissed her. But her dream does not end there. Arwen smiles like a cat who finished the last of the cream as she dreams that Aragorn swept all the papers from the top of her desk, then lifted her up, placed her on top of the desk, then made love to her right there in the classroom.

She moans in her sleep as she dreams of being held closely by the Ranger, his kisses running up and down her body.

The next morning Miss Arwen awakens happy. Then she feels sad when it dawns on her that it was only a dream.

TO BE CONTINUED

First Meeting (Slash fanfic)
Chapter One: The New Kid

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The athletic field of the school of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons.

GIMLI Have you noticed that this school is gradually filling up with Elves?

BOROMIR You mean the new principal?

GIMLI Not just Principal Elrond. I hear he's going to bring in his daughter so she can teach the young Hobbits.

BOROMIR Can you spell 'nepotism'?

ARAGORN I heard that a new Elf student transferred from Mirkwood. Have you met him yet?

BOROMIR Nope. How about you, Gimli?

GIMLI No. And I'm in no hurry.

A bell rings.

ARAGORN Time to head inside.

The three of them sprint over to the school building. They do not notice the figure observing them from high up in a tree. It is the figure of a beautiful blond male Elf who had overheard their conversation regarding Elves. He waits until the three figures disappear into the school, then he climbs down the tree and heads for the school.

SCENE: Classroom. The door opens. In walks the beautiful blond male Elf. The instructor turns to see who it is. The Elf hands the instructor a piece of paper.

INSTRUCTOR (reads the paper, then looks at the Elf) Good afternoon, Legolas. Welcome to my class. There's one empty seat over there. Please make yourself comfortable and we'll begin.

LEGOLAS Thank you, sir.

The Elf sits. His seat is right next to the one occupied by Aragorn.

INSTRUCTOR Aragorn, since Legolas doesn't have a textbook for this class yet, would you please share yours with him? Legolas, your textbook should be delivered here tomorrow, so I'll issue it to you then.

ARAGORN (smiles and nods to the newcomer) We're on this page here. Chapter ten.

LEGOLAS Thank you.

Aragorn is having trouble paying attention to the instructor's lecture. The Ranger finds it very hard to take his eyes off of Legolas.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) What a magnificent face! I could look at that face for hours and never tire of it. Hang on! What's wrong with me? I'm Aragorn! Big Man on Campus! All the girls in this school adore me. I could have my pick of any of them. In fact, I've HAD my pick of them. So why do I now have a fantasy of snogging this Elf in the shower of the locker room and shagging him senseless?! Gah!!!

The Ranger feels very confused about his new feelings. He finds he still cannot take his eyes off of Legolas. The Elf feels the eyes of the Ranger on him, so he turns to look at him. Aragorn quickly averts his eyes and pretends to be intent on looking at the instructor.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Do I have a smudge on face? Is my hair sticking up? Why did Aragorn stare at me like that for such a long time? I wish I hadn't left my compact in my locker. Mental note to self: Keep my compact with me at all times so I can check my appearance.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Does he know I was staring at him? Geez! I hope he doesn't think I'm pervy!

About an hour later the bell rings. The instructor dismisses the class.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Quickly now, say something to him! Don't just let this beautiful Elf leave!

Legolas gets up to leave.

LEGOLAS (smiles at Aragorn) Thank you for sharing your textbook with me.

ARAGORN (heart beating rapidly) Sure. No problem. Hey, do you want me to show you around the school? I know how it feels to be the new kid.

LEGOLAS That would nice. Thank you. I'd like that.

ARAGORN Let's go.

The Ranger and the Elf spend the next half hour touring the school. It is almost empty, as the school day is over and most of the students have left. A few hang around to chat and trade class notes. But soon it is only Aragorn and Legolas left in the school.

LEGOLAS Shouldn't we leave now? They'll be closing the school and locking the doors any moment.

ARAGORN We still have a few minutes. Come on. I forgot one more place to show you.

LEGOLAS Okay.

He follows Aragorn.

LEGOLAS This is the Boys' Locker Room. I've already seen it.

ARAGORN (smiles mischievously) Ah, but not like this, I'll bet.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) Like what?

ARAGORN (pauses, and appears to be deep in thought) Wait. On second thought, maybe I'd better not. You might be too young for this.

LEGOLAS Too young? I don't think so.

ARAGORN No, no. This was a mistake. Let's just leave. Time to go home now.

LEGOLAS No! Show me! What is it? I'm not too young!

ARAGORN Well, let me see. If you're sure you're mature enough for this. . .

LEGOLAS Of course I am! Now what is it?

ARAGORN Okay. Follow me.

Aragorn opens the doors of the Boys Locker Room and enters. Legolas follows.

Chapter Two: So Close And Yet So Far

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Inside the Boys' Locker Room. Aragorn and Legolas are there.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) I can't do this! I want to, but I can't! What if he gets disgusted with me and refuses to have anything to do with me anymore? I don't want this beautiful Elf to avoid me! What if he decides to tranfer out of this school? Oh, but his face is just so, so very lovely and his lips are just so, so perfect . . . oh, geeez! He's right here only inches from me. So close and yet so far.

LEGOLAS So what's inside this Boys' Locker Room that I'm supposedly too young to see?

ARAGORN (snapping out of his deep thoughts) Huh? Oh, right. Uh, it's over here.

Aragorn stalls by slowing walking toward the shower area. Legolas follows him. Aragorn stops just as they reach the showers.

ARAGORN That's odd. It's not here anymore. I guess they must have moved it.

LEGOLAS (puzzled) What's not here anymore? And who are 'they'?

ARAGORN It's too complicated to explain. Aw, let's just forget about it. We'd better leave now. They might be locking the doors any second, and we don't want to be locked inside this building all night.

But the thought of being locked inside any building overnight with this beautiful Elf excites the Ranger very much.

LEGOLAS (still puzzled) Very well.

They leave. Ten seconds after the two of them exit the building the janitor locks all the doors.

ARAGORN Where do you live?

LEGOLAS I have an apartment downtown. It suits my needs. How about you?

ARAGORN I live in a house with a wizard and a couple of Hobbits. Do you live with anyone?

LEGOLAS No. I have the entire apartment to myself. I like having my own space. Would you like to see it?

ARAGORN (heart beats very rapidly as he tries to be cool about it) Sure. When's a good time?

LEGOLAS How about this Saturday morning? I'll give you the address and phone number.

The Elf writes his address and phone number on a sheet of paper in his notepad. He tears out the sheet and hands it to Aragorn. Aragorn takes it and tries not to let his excitement show.

ARAGORN And here's where you can reach me outside of school.

The Ranger scribbles his home address and phone number on a sheet of note paper and gives it to Legolas.

LEGOLAS Thanks. See you Saturday morning, then?

ARAGORN You bet.

Chapter Three: Early Morning Visits

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The bedroom shared by Aragorn and Frodo. Saturday morning at 6 o'clock. Aragorn has been awake for an hour already. He is looking forward to seeing Legolas today. The alarm clock rings. He hits the button to stop the ringing. Frodo stirs and awakens.

FRODO (sleepily) Good morning, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good morning, Frodo. Sleep well?

FRODO Yeah. Thanks. How about you?

ARAGORN Not bad. I've already had my shower, so I'm going to head outside now. See you later.

FRODO Aren't you going to stick around for breakfast? Uncle Bilbo says breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

ARAGORN I'll grab an apple on the way out. Have a good day.

FRODO (puzzled) Uh, okay. You, too. 'Bye.

Aragorn rushes out of their room, down the stairs and out the door. Frodo hears the front door close shut.

FRODO (thinking to himself) It's not like Aragorn to be up so early on a Saturday. I wonder where he's going? Oh, well. Maybe Uncle Bilbo is going to make his famous blueberry pancakes this morning. Yum!

He gets out of bed to go take his shower.

SCENE: The downtown apartment where Legolas lives. He awakens to the sound of a knock on his front door. He sleepily gets up to answer it. Legolas sees a tall handsome blond Elf carrying a grocery sack standing outside the doorway.

LEGOLAS Haldir? What a pleasant surprise!

HALDIR (smiling) Good morning, Legolas. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd pay you a visit.

LEGOLAS You were in the neighborhood?

HALDIR Yes. I'm going to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel this afternoon. I figured since I'm here in Mayfield, I'd stop by to see you first.

LEGOLAS Well, it's always nice to see you. Excuse my appearance. I just woke up a moment ago.

HALDIR I brought breakfast. Are you hungry?

LEGOLAS Of course. Do you mind if I take a quick shower first? It'll help awaken me. I'm still a little sleepy.

HALDIR Go ahead. I'll set the table and get all this food ready for us.

LEGOLAS Thanks. I won't be long.

Legolas goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Haldir opens the cupboard doors and brings out some dishes and glassware.

A few minutes later there is another knock on the door. Haldir goes to answer it. It is Aragorn.

HALDIR (smiles) Yes? May I help you?

ARAGORN (startled to see a strange Elf in Legolas' apartment) Uh, maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for an Elf named Legolas.

HALDIR You have the right apartment. He's in the shower at the moment. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?

ARAGORN I am Aragorn. Legolas and I go to school together.

HALDIR I am Haldir. Come in, Aragorn. I was just getting breakfast ready.

Aragorn enters the apartment. He sees the dining table all set for two. Just then the bathroom door opens and out walks Legolas.

Nude.

Totally.

Beautiful.

Absolutely.

Stunning.

Smelling like a fragrant sweet rainforest.

Aragorn's mouth drops open, then he composes himself.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently Elves are very comfortable with their bodies that they feel unabashed about walking around like this in front of others.

He looks at Haldir for any reaction to Legolas' current state of undress. Haldir seems completely at ease with it.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Damn! What did I just walk in on here? I might have known an Elf as stunningly beautiful as Legolas would already have someone! And I might have known it would be another tall blond gorgeous Elf!

Suddenly Aragorn feels very unattractive. What would a beautiful Elf like Legolas see in a mere Man like himself, when he could have Haldir?

LEGOLAS Aragorn! I didn't expect you here this early in the day.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Apparently not, you slut. Oh, what I am I thinking? I have no claim on Legolas. He doesn't even know how I feel about him.

Aragorn smiles and looks around. Legolas puts on a robe.

ARAGORN My apologies if my early arrival has caused any problems. Am I interrupting something?

LEGOLAS No, no. Not at all. I'm very happy to see you, Aragorn. Do please have a seat. Join us for some breakfast?

HALDIR Yes, Aragorn. There is plenty of food. Do join us.

ARAGORN Uh, thank you. But I don't want to intrude. I should leave and come back later.

HALDIR Nonsense! You're not intruding! Please stay!

LEGOLAS Aragorn? Are you all right? Please don't go. You've come all this way. There's no need for you to rush off.

Aragorn looks at the two beautiful blond Elves. He feels completely out of place here.

ARAGORN I'm all right. I just need some fresh air. You two enjoy your breakfast. I'll come back this afternoon, if that's okay. Haldir, it was very nice meeting you.

LEGOLAS (puzzled and feeling a little hurt) Of course it' s okay for you to come back later this afternoon. I'll be right here. See you then?

ARAGORN Yes. See you then around one o'clock.

HALDIR Nice meeting you, too, Aragorn. Sorry you have to leave so soon.

Aragorn turns and leaves, closing the door behind him.

Legolas and Haldir watch him through the window.

LEGOLAS I wonder why he left so abruptly like that?

HALDIR (a little more street-smart than Legolas) Sometimes you can be so blind, my dear Legolas.

LEGOLAS (surprised) And just what do you mean by that?

HALDIR This may take a while. Sit. Have some breakfast, and I'll give you my theory as to why your school chum didn't stay long.

They take their seats and have breakfast.

Chapter Four: Disappointment

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The streets of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn is wandering aimlessly about and feeling disappointed about how his morning did not go as he had expected. Suddenly he hears footsteps running toward him from behind. He turns and sees Boromir.

BOROMIR Aragorn! Hey, buddy! Where've you been?

ARAGORN Good morning, Boromir. Just out and about.

BOROMIR I showed up at your house and was surprised to hear you left around six o'clock. Decided to catch the early worm, huh?

ARAGORN Uh, yeah. Whatever.

BOROMIR So where are you off to now?

ARAGORN No where in particular.

BOROMIR Are you feeling okay, buddy? You seem down.

ARAGORN Thanks for asking. I'll be fine. It's nothing.

BOROMIR Want to shoot some hoops? Or practice with our swords? We could meet Gimli later.

ARAGORN No, thanks. Boromir, if you don't mind, I think I need to be alone for a while. But I appreciate your concern. See you later, okay?

BOROMIR Uh, sure, pal. Whatever you say.

Boromir watches Aragorn walk away.

BOROMIR (thinking to himself) I wonder what's troubling him?

SCENE: Back at the apartment where Legolas lives. Haldir and Legolas have finished breakfast and are clearing away the dishes.

HALDIR And that's my theory as to why Aragorn was in such a hurry to leave.

LEGOLAS I can't believe I didn't pick up on any of this. How could I have been so blind? That is, if your theory is correct.

HALDIR I'll bet you a session in Lord Celeborn's Day Spa that I'm right.

LEGOLAS No, thank you. I think you'd win. Haldir, what should I do? He seemed so hurt when he left.

HALDIR That depends on how you feel about him.

LEGOLAS I only met him a couple of days ago in school. I haven't had time to get to know him well enough to form any real opinion about him.

HALDIR Well, apparently it didn't take him long to form one about you. What will you tell him when he comes over today at one o'clock?

LEGOLAS I'll have to think about it. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me or to start avoiding me in school.

HALDIR Good luck, my friend. Well, I'll be leaving now to see Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel. If you want to tell me later how it goes with Aragorn, I'll be all ears.

LEGOLAS Thanks, Haldir. And thanks for breakfast. I had a nice time visiting with you.

Haldir smiles and leaves. Legolas closes the door and sighs.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Poor Aragorn.

Chapter Five: Legolas Decides What To Do

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings

SCENE: Bilbo's kitchen at 10 o'clock in the morning. Aragorn is there having brunch. It has been hours since he had eaten that apple at 6 a.m., so he is finally hungry enough now to eat a real meal.

BILBO Where did you rush off to so early in the morning? You missed out on blueberry pancakes.

ARAGORN Just out. Sorry about those pancakes.

BILBO Your loss is Frodo's gain. He ate your share. You're a big lad, so I won't press you about where you went, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. So is Gandalf. And so is Frodo. We all care about you, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. That means a lot to me.

He continues to eat. He decides to tell Bilbo about where he went this morning.

ARAGORN I was paying a visit to a new friend from school. But it turns out he already had company, so I decided to leave and go back later. In fact, I'll be heading over to his place early this afternoon.

BILBO A new friend from school? That's nice. Why don't you invite him over for dinner tonight? It'll give the whole family a chance to meet him.

ARAGORN Thanks, Bilbo. I'll do that when I see him this afternoon. Are you sure it's no trouble?

BILBO No trouble at all, dear boy. I'll make pot roast and all the trimmings. How's that?

ARAGORN Great! I love your pot roast.

BILBO Well, now, it's nice to see you smiling again. You've had such a sad look on your face ever since you got back home earlier.

Aragorn feels better. He is now optimistic about seeing Legolas in the afternoon.

SCENE: The apartment where Legolas lives. He reads a book while he waits for Aragorn's arrival. He has had time to think about Aragorn and what to say to him. The hour approaches. There is a knock on the door. The Elf gets up, opens it and greets his visitor.

LEGOLAS (smiling warmly) Aragorn, come in. It's good to see you.

ARAGORN Thanks. Sorry about rushing off earlier. I hope you and Haldir didn't take offense at that. I just needed some air. Wasn't feeling well.

LEGOLAS Don't worry about that. I'm happy that you could finally make it over here for a real visit. Well, this is my apartment. Let me show you around.

Legolas gives Aragorn the grand tour. Then they sit down at the dining table.

LEGOLAS Are you hungry? I could make us some lunch.

ARAGORN No, thanks. I had a late brunch at home. But if you're hungry, please don't let me stop you.

LEGOLAS I'm fine. Let's just talk.

ARAGORN Fine by me.

There is an embarrassed silence between them for a few minutes. Each is expecting the other to say something. Finally Aragorn speaks.

ARAGORN Would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight? Bilbo Baggins, he's the Hobbit who lives with us, said I could have you over. He's making pot roast with all the trimmings.

LEGOLAS (smiles) I'd like that. Yes, I'd love to have dinner at your place tonight.

ARAGORN Great. That's great.

He looks around the room while trying to think of something to talk about.

LEGOLAS Aragorn, would you like to sit over there? It's more comfortable.

He motions toward the sofa.

ARAGORN Yes, thank you.

They both sit on the sofa. Another embarrassed silence ensues for about three minutes.

The Elf decides to take matters in his own hands. Without saying a word, Legolas embraces Aragorn and plants a kiss right on his mouth. It is a long deep wet kiss. Legolas' tongue probes Aragorn's mouth while he runs his slender fingers through the Ranger's long dark hair. After a long moment, Legolas releases Aragorn from his embrace and smiles at him.

LEGOLAS Do you feel better now that we've gotten that out of the way?

Aragorn is speechless for a few seconds. He had not seen that coming at all. He stares at Legolas.

LEGOLAS (thinking to himself) Oh, no! Haldir's theory was totally wrong! Aragorn now thinks I'm a pervy Man-fancying Elf!

Legolas jumps up from the sofa.

LEGOLAS (in a contrite tone) I am so sorry, Aragorn. That was terribly forward of me, and it was most inappropriate. Please forgive me. I'll understand if you want to leave right now and never see me again.

Without saying a word, Aragorn gets up from the sofa, takes Legolas by the hands and gently pulls him back down so they are both seated on the sofa again.

ARAGORN Leave and never see you again? Don't be a silly ass. You're the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes on in all my days here on Middle Earth. All I've been wanting to do since I first saw you is kiss you and much, much more.

LEGOLAS Much, much more? Care to elaborate on that?

ARAGORN Sure. Do you want me to tell you or show you?

LEGOLAS You know where the bedroom is, right?

They both smile, get up from the sofa and head down the hall.

LEGOLAS And I'm still counting on that pot roast dinner tonight.

ARAGORN Less talking, more kissing.

* * * The End * * *

Getting Answers from Gollum, Austin Powers Style
DISCLAIMER: I don't own The Lord of the Rings and/or Austin Powers.

**********************************************

FIRST ORC TORTURING GOLLUM: Who has the Ring?

GOLLUM: I'ssss neversss tellssss! Neverssss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: Youssss canssss torturesss meeee, but Gollum will neversss tellsss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: BAGGINS!

SECOND ORC: That was easy. Why'd you tell?

GOLLUM: Gollumsss hatesss to hearsss questionssss three timesssss!

FIRST ORC: Where is Baggins?

GOLLUM: I'sss neversss tellsss! Neversss!

FIRST ORC: Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?

GOLLUM: Goessss to Hell!

FIRST ORC: Fine! WHERE IS BAGGINS?

GOLLUM: My lipsssss are sealed!

SECOND ORC: Ah-ha! He asked you three times! You have to tell!

First Orc smiles in agreement.

GOLLUM (amazingly loses his sssss as he explains): No, no! The first question was 'Where is Baggins?' Then you asked 'Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?' That opens up a whole new line of questioning that doesn't count toward the first line of questioning!

SECOND ORC: You know, he's right.

FIRST ORC: Damn!

It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund
It's A Wonderful Life, Prince Edmund

- a Black Adder fanfic by Jean Akins -

written May 24, 2002

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.


Scene: 15th Century Heaven. A new angel eager to earn his wings is awaiting his assignment. He is finally summoned by Joseph, an archangel, to be briefed.

Joseph: Take a look down there, Flash. There he is, your first assignment.

Flash: Where? I don't see anything.

Joseph: Oh, I forgot. You don't have your wings yet. Here, let me help you up. There, see?

Flash: Oh, yes. There he is down on his knees praying. Hang on! I think I know him. Eddie? Prince Edmund? How did he get in that dungeon?

Joseph: That's right. Prince Edmund Plantagenet. His childhood rival Philip of Burgundy, a.k.a. the Hawk, locked him in that dungeon. Edmund is requesting our help through prayer, so we're answering. We're sending you down to show him the error of his ways and convince him to go down the right path, otherwise he will be doomed, and so will his family. Oh, sure he's saying in his prayer that he intends to follow the path of the saints, but we can see what lies ahead of him. And it's not a pretty future.

Flash: It's not? How can I help? Eddie and I have been through a lot together. If there's a nasty future ahead of him, I'd like to help get him out of it.

Joseph: We'll send you down to where he's being held in the dungeon. You'll need to inhabit the body of the person who happens to be physically nearest to him at that moment in order to be able to communicate with him. Don't worry. No harm will come to the person whose body you are borrowing. Afterward that person won't even remember what happened.

Flash: I understand. And I'm ready.

Joseph: Actually, you're not completely ready yet. I need to brief you on the highlights of the life of your new charge. There are chapters of his life that you missed. It'll only take a moment.

Joseph uses his celestial powers to place in Flash's mind the entire six episodes of The Black Adder.

Flash: Whoa! What a rush! Poor Eddie! What a pathetic life that poor little sod has led! Oh, and when I say 'sod', I mean that in the nicest possible way. So he gets mutilated and dies from drinking poisoned wine?

Joseph: Well, the mutilation will eventually kill him even if he doesn't drink the wine. It all depends on how he conducts his life after you spend time with him steering him in the right path, if you can. It could go either way. Now you're ready. Do a good job, Flash, and you'll get your wings.

POOF! Flash disappears from Heaven and is sent down to earth. He enters the dungeon and sees Mad Gerald sitting in a dark corner. Flash takes over Mad Gerald's body. Mad Gerald's soul and mind go dormant, leaving Flash free to use his body to communicate with Edmund.

Edmund: (finishing his prayer) Amen.

Flash: Amen.

Edmund had no idea anyone else was there. He leaps in terror.

Edmund: (startled) Who are you?

Flash: (stepping out of the darkness) Don't be afraid, Edmund. You don't recognize me, but it is I, your old friend Prince Flashheart, Duke of Kent.

Edmund: (skeptical) Flashheart? No, I know Flash, and you certainly don't look anything like him.

Flash: That's because I've taken over this body of the poor chap who shares this dungeon with you. You didn't notice him sitting in that dark corner over there. Edmund, apparently you didn't hear about it, but I died a few months ago. I'm an angel now, sent down here today to be your guardian, in answer to your prayer. Remember when I paid you a visit awhile back years ago before I married, and I stole all those lovely young women from your brother Harry? He wasn't a happy camper then, was he?

Edmund: That was amusing, yes. OH, MY GOD! Flash, is it really you? You're dead?

Flash: Yes, Eddie. I was killed in battle. I leave behind my beloved Duchess of Kent and her chocolate chastity belt. Last I saw when I checked up on her, she was still grieving for me. Poor dear sweet Belinda!

Edmund: Yes. Poor Belinda. So sorry I never paid my respects, but I didn't hear about it. Been busy rounding up my own band of men to take over the kingdom. Well, Flash, if you're indeed my guardian angel, it should be an easy feat for you to get me out of this locked dungeon, right?

Flash: Right. But first we need to have a little chat.

Edmund: Chat? Oh, all right. Um, do all guardian angels look like you? With the wild hair and all?

Flash: Oh, this. This isn't what I really look like. I just needed to borrow the body of the person who happened to be closest to you in order to communicate with you. He was sitting in that dark corner over there, so you didn't notice him. When I leave, he'll go back to the way he was and won't remember me having taken over his body. Hmm. Although, I guess it wouldn't hurt to give this body a bit of a makeover while I'm borrowing it. (Flash closes his eyes and concentrates. The body of Mad Gerald transforms and becomes a very handsome, well-groomed, attractive being.) Well, Eddie? How do I look?

Edmund: Flash! It IS you! Oh, my God!

Flash: You mean, "Oh, my Guardian Angel!" Now let's have that chat.

Afterward:

Edmund is in tears.

Edmund: So my own band of men betray me to join Philip, and I get tortured, mutilated and die?! And my family? Mother? Father? Harry? Everyone in the court dies?

Flash: Yes, but that's only if you continue down the path you've chosen. You don't have to do that, Eddie.

Edmund: M-maybe everyone would be better off if I'd never been born! I've made such a mess of my life!

Flash: Oh, now don't think like that, Eddie. (pauses) Hang on. Yes, that just might work. (looks upward) What do you think, Joseph? Yes. (stands up) All right, Eddie. You've got your wish. You've never been born.

The locked door breaks open as a very powerful wind outside suddenly blows.

Flash: (shouting toward the heavens and closing the door) You don't have to make such a fuss about it!

Edmund: What do you mean, I've never been born?

Flash: Just what I said. Feel where your head was hit. It's not bleeding anymore, is it? And there's no sign of an injury there. You've got a clean slate, Eddie! No band of evil men to turn against you, no Hawk out to kill you because he's never met you.

Edmund feels his head, and sure enough there is no injury.

Flash: (smiling) Now, let's go outside and see what the world is like without you having been born in it.

The door leading outside opens and they leave the dungeon. It is beautiful outside. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. They head to the castle. On their way they see a herd of grazing sheep.

Flash: Well, that is something! Edmund, look at this herd of sheep.

Edmund: What about them?

Flash: This might sound strange, but that is the happiest, most stress- free group of sheep I've ever come across. Being an angel, I can sense how they are feeling. They are completely carefree, not a worry among them. I've seen plenty of sheep in my time, and usually they are scared to death of someone coming up from behind and --

Edmund: Oh, stop it about the sheep!

They continue on to the castle. When they arrive, they see a crowd cheering. Edmund's parents, brother and Great-Uncle Richard are smiling and hugging Percy.

Edmund: I don't believe my eyes! Are they cheering for Percy?

Flash: Indeed they are. He's just been honored for saving the lives of the royal family: your parents, your brother, and your Great-Uncle Richard. Percy single-handedly defeated the Hawk, Harry's childhood rival.

Edmund: Percy? That brainless son of a prostitute? It can't be! And Uncle Richard is still alive?!

Flash: Edmund, you weren't here for Percy to choose as a friend. He and Harry eventually met and became friends. By encouraging him and setting a good example, Harry inspired Percy to become who he is now: a most beloved and respected knight famous for his bravery, fine horsemanship and superb swordmanship. And yes, your Uncle Richard is still King because you weren't there to cut off his head.

Edmund: Shhhh! Quiet about that! I can't believe it! It must be some bizarre dream I'm having.

Edmund is very surprised to see how different things are now. For example:

The peasants of the kingdom are happy and living better lives where food is plentiful, and everyone lives in perfect harmony. All the peasants are wearing decent garments instead of drab tattered rags. People greet each other with a smile and good cheer.

The Witchsmeller Pursuivant is now a mellow, soft-spoken, helpful and productive member of society. He is a toymaker and very popular among all the children, especially around Christmas.

Edmund: Do you mean to tell me that these changes I witness are the result of my having never been born?

Flash: Well, --

Edmund: No, no! Don't answer that! I need to see Baldrick! My loyal and faithful servant! Oh, why didn't I appreciate him before I dismissed him? Flash, where is Baldrick? I must speak with him.

Flash: Baldrick? Well, I'm not supposed to tell you. I don't think I should show you how he turned out. I'm afraid you won't recognize him, Edmund. You weren't here for him to serve, so his life turned out quite differently than the way you know him. Baldrick is not the person you remember.

Edmund grabs Flash by the collar and shakes him.

Edmund: (shouting) Tell me where he is!

Flash: (caving in) He's just about to close up the library!

Edmund: Library?

He turns to where Flash is pointing and sees a large building where peasants, both young and old, are leaving and carrying books they have borrowed.

Flash: The peasants here are a happy and educated group. They love coming to the public library. And there's the librarian.

Edmund sees Baldrick waving good-bye to a young peasant boy and girl as they leave, each carrying a book. Baldrick closes and locks the door from the outside and checks to make sure the library is secure. He is dressed nicely, well-groomed, and looks very scholarly.

Edmund rushes over.

Edmund: Baldrick! It's so good to see you!

Baldrick: (startled) Uh, hello. Have we met?

Edmund: I'm Edmund! Remember? We met on the eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field! I asked you to become my squire at the battle!

Baldrick: (confused) Edmund? No, I'm afraid I don't remember ever having met you. And I've never been a squire. I surely would have remembered something like that, if it did happen.

Edmund: (taking hold of Baldrick by the shoulders) Think! Think hard, Baldrick! It is I! Edmund!

Flash: (taking Edmund aside) Excuse me, Baldrick. (addressing Edmund) Edmund, now pay attention. (shouting) You were never born!!! Everything is different now!!! Do you understand???!!!

Edmund: (looking very sad) Uh, never mind, Baldrick. Sorry to have bothered you.

Baldrick: Think nothing of it. Feel free to come visit our library tomorrow. We open at ten o'clock in the morning.

Edmund and Flash leave Baldrick and go for a long walk so Edmund can mull over what he's seen.

Edmund: So I was right, Flash. Everyone IS better off if I'd never been born.

Flash: Well, it certainly appears that way, my friend, but maybe that's only on the surface. Each individual can have a powerful effect on other people's lives by even the simplest interaction. A single word spoken to someone, be it one of kindness, can turn that person around. Or be it a word of harshness, can turn that same person in a totally different direction. Then that person affects the next person he meets. And so on, and so on, and so on.

Edmund: So what happens now, Flash?

Flash: That's entirely up to you, Eddie. Stay here in a world where you start your new life with a clean slate. Or go back and pick up your old life right where I found you: in the dungeon.

Edmund: Well, that's not a difficult choice, is it?

Flash: (smiling) Only you know the answer to that.

Scene: Next day in the library before it opens. Edmund and Baldrick are there.

Baldrick: Now let me get this straight. I'm a librarian because you made a wish that you'd never been born, and your guardian angel granted your wish.

Edmund: That's right!

Baldrick: But instead of being a librarian, I'm really supposed to be your servant. And before that I was shoveling dung, a job which took me years to work up to.

Edmund: Yes, yes! Right again!

Baldrick: Very amusing. That's quite an imagination you have, Edmund. You ever consider writing stories, maybe getting published? I could always use another book here to add to the library collection.

The doors to the library burst open. Flashheart enters. He has a very stern look on his face.

Baldrick: We're not ready to open yet, sir. Please wait outside until ten o'clock.

Flash: Sorry, Baldrick, but I need to speak with Edmund. (turning to Edmund) You're not supposed to be telling anyone here about your previous life!

Edmund: You never told me that!

Flash: I didn't? Oh, right. Sorry. Ooops. I was supposed to. This is my first assignment. My goof.

Edmund: Baldrick, this is Flashheart, my guardian angel.

Baldrick: Right. Nice to meet you, sir.

Flash: Likewise. (turning to Edmund) What am I going to do with you?

Edmund: Nothing, Flash. I'll be fine here. Just go back and get those wings you want.

Flash: I can't just go back. When my job is done, then I will be summoned back. But I haven't been summoned, which means my job isn't finished. Something is still not right, and I can't leave until I set things right.

Edmund: So set it right.

Flash: I don't know how! This is my first assignment as a guardian angel, and it's not easy. There's no instruction manual I can open. Something's not right here, but I can't figure out what. I need to sit down and think this through.

He sits in a chair to think.

Baldrick: Well, as least you picked a nice quiet place to do it. But in about ten minutes we open and I expect lots of children here for Story Hour. You like kids?

Flash: Eureka! I've got it! Edmund, the whole point of my showing you what life would be like if you'd never been born was to encourage you to want to live again and change your ways! But that didn't happen. Instead, you want to stay in this world where you had never been born.

Edmund: Oh. Well, I think I like it here better, so I'm staying. Why would I want to go back to that dungeon?

Flash: Because none of this is real! This world here where Baldrick is a librarian and your Great-Uncle Richard is still king! You and I are actually still back in the dungeon! This is all a vision which looks, sounds, smells, and feels real, but isn't! Edmund, you need to want to live again, so you can wake up out of this vision and continue your life, only taking a new path, one different than the one that will lead to your death and the death of your family!

Baldrick: Wow. Edmund, your friend here has quite an imagination, too. Look, I can tell you both that I most certainly am real. I remember my life, what it was like being a young child, growing up, going to school, becoming a librarian. It's all real, despite you saying this is all some sort of vision.

Flash: To you, Baldrick, of course it's real. It's your world. But I assure you, once Edmund snaps out of this vision, you and everyone else here will cease to exist.

Baldrick: Is that so?

Flash: Yes, that is so.

Baldrick and Edmund give knowing glances to each other.

Scene: Flash is tied and gagged and stuffed in the storage room of the library.

Edmund: Sorry about this, Flash. But I find I REALLY like it here. We'll check up on you periodically to make sure you're okay.

He closes the door and locks it.

Baldrick: Wish there was some other way to do this. I really need the space in that storage room for library supplies.

Edmund: So, Baldrick. Are there any job openings for another librarian? Could you use an assistant?

Baldrick: (smiling) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

THE END

Everybody Loves Edmund
EVERYBODY LOVES EDMUND

A Black Adder Fanfic
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Blackadder.

by Jean Akins (Jeanster)

May 30, 2002

Time and place: 15th Century England

SCENE: The castle. The royal family, with the exception of Edmund, is happily preparing to attend a birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster.

Queen: Edmund, you're not ready? We're leaving within the hour.

Edmund: Mother, I'd rather not go. I didn't have a good time last year we attended his birthday party, so why would I want to attend this one?

Queen: Now, Edmund, you stop this nonsense. It would be very rude not to go. How would it look if you don't attend?

Edmund: Oh, Mother.

Queen: Not another word, Edmund. Put on something nice this instant. You're going to the party, and you're going to have a good time there. Go on, now.

Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (goes to his room to change clothes)

Queen: (turning to see Harry enter) Harry, have you decided which young lady you'll be bringing to the party?

Harry: Yes, Mother. It was a difficult choice, as they are all so very beautiful. But since I may bring only one guest, I've chosen Ursula.

Queen: That's nice. She's a lovely girl.

Harry: Yes. Uh, I don't suppose Edmund will be bringing a guest?

Queen: I don't think so. And he's very sensitive about it, so please don't say anything. I've just now finally convinced him to go. He was planning on not attending.

Harry: Hmm. You know, Mother, perhaps he could bring one of the other lovely ladies who I couldn't take. After all, what with that dangerous highwayman still roaming about, it would be much safer for her to be escorted by Edmund than going alone.

Queen: There's a thought. I'll go ask him.

SCENE: Edmund's tower room. We see the Queen and Edmund.

Edmund: Harry actually suggested I ask one of those lovely young women to go with me? And he doesn't mind?

Queen: Yes, dear. Wasn't that nice of him?

Edmund: Yes. Oh, what am I thinking? None of them would want to go with me! They all have eyes only for Harry!

Queen: Edmund, my dear. You are a Prince of the Realm. Stand tall, be proud, and know that any one of those ladies would be very lucky to be asked to be your guest at this party. Now go on out there and choose one to ask.

Edmund: (reluctantly) Oh, all right. (leaves his room to do as his mother says)

A few minutes later we hear shrieks of laughter, followed by giggling and snickering coming from the courtyard. Edmund has been turned down by the entire group of young women who have eyes only for Harry.

Edmund sadly trudges back to his tower room. Baldrick joins him.

Baldrick: M'lord, if you want to bring a guest, I'd be honored to go with you.

Edmund: It may very well come to that, Baldrick. Oh, well, go ahead and put on something nice. Hurry. We leave in just a few minutes.

The Queen has heard and seen poor Edmund being rejected by all those young women. She decides to use her witch powers to give Edmund a little help in this matter.

A few minutes later she emerges from her room carrying a small bottle of magic sparkling liquid. She is on the mezzanine level, and Edmund is standing right below waiting for Baldrick.

Queen: (speaking softly to herself) Just a few drops will pique the interest of those women so they'll want to get to know Edmund better.

She opens the bottle and is about to pour just a few drops when Percy, not looking where he's going, suddenly bumps into her and she accidentally pours the entire contents of the bottle instead of just a few drops. Edmund is hit with the liquid, but he doesn't feel a thing, as it is magic and sparkly and very light.

Queen: Oh, no!

Harry and Ursula are headed toward where Edmund is.

Ursula: Oh, Harry. I'm looking forward to this birthday party.

Harry: Yes, so am I. The Earl never fails to give a fabulous party. Last year's was most entertaining.

Edmund: (overhearing what Harry just said) Yes, if you can call four nonstop hours of Morris dancing entertaining.

Ursula: (staring at Edmund and smiling) Edmund, forgive me if this sounds forward, but have you always been this adorable?

Edmund and Harry: What?!

Ursula leaves Harry's side and takes Edmund by the arm, gazing deeply into his eyes.

Harry: Uh, Ursula? What are you doing?

Ursula: (ignoring Harry) And have your eyes always been this beautiful and expressive?

Edmund: I-I don't know what to say, Ursula. (looking nervously at Harry who is frowning at Edmund)

Harry: Ursula, are you feeling all right?

Ursula: Harry, I've changed my mind. I'd prefer Edmund escort me to the party instead of you. That is, Edmund, if you would bestow upon me the honor of being my escort. Won't you, please?

Edmund is speechless. He can't believe what is happening.

Harry: (laughing nervously) Oh, yes. Very funny, Ursula. You can stop joking with us, my dear. Now let go of Edmund's arm and let's be on our way to the party.

Ursula: Harry, please don't be so tiresome. Edmund, where have you been hiding yourself all these years? You scrumptious piece of sweetness! I cannot help myself! (throws her arms around him and plants a big wet kiss on Edmund's lips, much to Edmund's delight and Harry's bewilderment)

Harry: URSULA!

Baldrick enters dressed in nicer clothes. He is surprised to see Ursula hugging and kissing Edmund with Harry standing right there.

The Queen who has been watching all of this rushes back to her room to work on a counter-spell because she knows that a massive overdose of the magic potion will soon lead to trouble.

Baldrick runs to the courtyard where the group of young women are still gathered.

Baldrick: Come! You won't believe what's happening in here!

The group of curious young women follow Baldrick. He points in the direction of where Edmund, Ursula and Harry are standing. The women stare at the scene for just a moment, then altogether they rush over toward Edmund, calling out his name. Edmund, Ursula and Harry are surprised to see this group of women rushing over. Two of the women pry Ursula away from Edmund and push her aside so they can grab him, kiss him and fondle him. Each woman cries out his name over and over, pleading with him to please take her to the birthday party.

Edmund: (softly to himself) I'm dreaming. This is a wonderful dream, and I hope I never awaken.

Ursula: (shouting over the crowd of women) Edmund! Edmund! I'm over here!

Harry: Ursula, please stop this embarrassing behavior of yours and come with me. You're making a spectacle of yourself.

Ursula: Oh, run along, Harry. Can't you see I'm busy? Edmund! Please come away from these harpies and join me, your beloved Ursula!

Harry: Fine! Be that way! I'm going to the party without you, Ursula. When you finally come to your senses, try crawling back and see if I'll ever forgive your atrocious behavior!

Ursula: (ignoring Harry) Edmund! Edmund!

SCENE: The countryside just outside the castle. The infamous highwayman who has been attacking and robbing travelers is waiting for his next victim. He has heard of the birthday party being given for the Earl of Doncaster, and knowing how popular the Earl is, the highwayman expects the guests traveling there to be carrying very expensive and lovely gifts which he plans to take for his own.

A few miles up the road we see a large fancy horse-drawn carriage. The driver sits atop. He brings the horses to a stop.

The window of the carriage opens. We see a veiled figure poke her head slightly out the window.

Woman: James, why are we stopping?

James the Driver: Just need to give the horses a bit of rest, m'lady. We'll be moving along in a moment.

Woman: Well, please don't be too long. I don't want to be late for the birthday party.

James the Driver: We won't be long at all, m'lady. I promise. Just need to give the horses a breather.

SCENE: Back at the castle. Now the women are getting angry. Each is insisting that Edmund tell the other women that he belongs only to her. But he finds he cannot choose which he wants most of all, plus he's not willing to commit to anyone at the moment. They start grabbing whatever nearby object they can use as a weapon. They turn on Edmund, looking very menacing to him. This is what the Queen was afraid would happen. She is quickly working on a counter-spell to reverse the effects of the potion. She is almost finished.

Queen: Just a pinch of this and a pinch of that. There! Finished. The effects of the potion will stop in just a couple of minutes. I hope I'm not too late!

SCENE: The courtyard. Edmund is running for his life toward the castle exit. The women, each brandishing a make-shift weapon, are chasing him and shouting his name angrily. The women are still chasing him, but he manages to stay ahead enough so they cannot catch him. A moment later the potion's effects stop, thanks to the Queen's counter-spell. They are dazed, wondering what they are doing outside the castle and holding these objects. They slowly wander back inside asking each other what happened.

Meanwhile, Edmund, still thinking the women are chasing him, sees the horse- drawn carriage. The driver is just about to get the horses moving again, as their rest period is over. Edmund grabs the door handle and pulls on it.

James the Driver: You there! Stop or I'll run you through with my sword!

Edmund: No! You don't understand! I seek refuge from the large group of dangerous women chasing me!

James: What?

Woman in the Carriage: (opening the door of the carriage and smiling at Edmund) How do you do? I am Lady Roberta of Devonshire. And who might you be?

Edmund: Terribly sorry. Where are my manners? I am Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh.

Lady Roberta: I thought you looked familiar. I've seen your face on a coin. Now what's all this about a group of dangerous women chasing you?

Edmund: Please let me hide inside your carriage! They're out to kill me!

Lady Roberta: Oh, all right. Come in.

Edmund: Thank you, dear lady! (he climbs inside and closes the door)

Lady Roberta: It's all right, James. Start driving. Edmund, we're going to the Earl of Doncaster's birthday party. By any chance, are you going there, too? (she removes her veil)

Edmund: Why, yes. (he is surprised and very pleased to see how beautiful Lady Roberta is without her veil)

Lady Roberta: Then sit back and enjoy the ride. James will let us know when we arrive. Meanwhile, tell me about yourself, Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. I want to know all about you.

Edmund and Lady Roberta have a delightful ride talking the whole time and learning about each other's lives. He finds himself very attracted to this beautiful young woman who behaves graciously and warmly toward him.

Edmund: Tell, me Lady Roberta. Are you married?

Lady Roberta: No, Edmund. Are you?

Edmund: No.

Suddenly the carriage comes to an abrupt halt.

Lady Roberta: James, are we there?

James: No, m'lady. We have a problem.

The door is suddenly jerked open. It is the highwayman. He points a sword toward Lady Roberta and Edmund.

Highwayman: (to James) Don't try anything or the lady dies!

Edmund: (trying to be brave in front of Lady Roberta) You scoundrel! How dare you threaten a helpless damsel!

Highwayman: Oh, would you prefer I threaten YOU?

He points his sword very close to Edmund's neck. Edmund becomes very scared and says nothing, wishing he knew what to do.

Highwayman: I thought so. All talk and no action. You pathetic little sod! You're not worth soiling my blade!

He withdraws his sword and quickly punches Edmund in the face, knocking him unconscious. Edmund falls back inside the carriage. Lady Roberta moves quickly. She pulls a crossbow that was hidden beside her on the seat of the carriage. With perfect aim, she shoots the highwayman right in the heart. He cries out in pain and falls to the ground where he soon dies.

Lady Roberta: James, let's go! The party will be starting soon.

James: Yes, m'lady.

Lady Roberta checks on Edmund.

Lady Roberta: He's out cold, but I think he'll be all right. Poor dear.

James: M'lady, now that we've put a stop to the infamous highwayman, how much longer do we have to stay in character?

Lady Roberta: Good question, James. How about we play this out through the party?

James: (smiling) Very good, m'lady.

SCENE: The horse-drawn carriage arrives at the home of the Earl of Doncaster. All the other guests are already there. Baldrick went on ahead without Edmund.

Inside the carriage, Edmund finally awakens. His head is on Lady Roberta's lap. She is caressing his forehead.

Lady Roberta: There, there, Edmund. How are you feeling? That's going to be some nasty bruise you'll have on your face for a few days. Shall I kiss it and make it all better?

Edmund: Where am I? What happened?

Lady Roberta: That infamous highwayman hit you and knocked you unconscious. But he's no longer a threat.

Edmund: Where is he?

Lady Roberta: Back where we left him. With an arrow through his heart. He won't be bothering anyone anymore.

Edmund: (assuming her driver James killed the highwayman) Well, it's a good thing your driver was here to protect you.

Lady Roberta: (smiling) Dear James. What would I do without him? Well, Edmund, are you feeling well enough to go inside to the party? It looks like we're the last guests to arrive.

Edmund: Yes, I guess we should join the others. Oh, I don't have a present! Wait a minute. I just remembered Mother is bringing a gift. I'll just say it's from the entire family. Did you bring a gift?

Lady Roberta: Yes, I did. I had an especially good time wrapping it.

Edmund: (looking about for a giftwrapped package, but seeing none) Where is it?

Lady Roberta: Oh, look! It's the Earl. Happy Birthday, Doncaster!

The Earl of Doncaster rushes over to greet his guests.

He gives Edmund a warm handshake. Then he warmly embraces Lady Roberta and gives her a kiss.

Earl: You look ravishing, my dear!

Lady Roberta: Well, I wanted to look especially nice for your special day.

Earl: Bob, you're too much!

Edmund: (confused) Bob? Why did he call you Bob?

Earl: Edmund, you mean you don't know? This is Lord Robert of Devonshire. I call him Bob.

Edmund: (very confused and totally bewildered) What is going on here?

Lady Roberta/Lord Robert: I'm sorry about the subterfuge, Edmund, and if I misled you in anyway. I am Lord Robert of Devonshire, as the Earl said. I'm disguised like this because I was working undercover to flush out that infamous highwayman who has been terrorizing the good people traveling through the countryside. And James my driver is actually the King's Sheriff in disguise. I was asked to become his deputy and work as a decoy because of my ability to disguise myself. With my slight build and years of drama experience, it was very easy for me to play the part of Lady Roberta.

Edmund: (crestfallen as he now realizes Lady Roberta is the woman he can never have) Oh. Well, congratulations on successfully putting a stop to that highwayman.

Earl: Won't you both come inside and join the party? We're just about to cut the cake.

Lord Robert: Love to. Come on, Edmund. We can all still have a nice time here. Friends?

Edmund: (shrugging his shoulders and deciding to make the best of it) Friends.

THE END