June 25 I don’t know that I can ever look Gran in the face again. I don’t know that I can look *Jay* in the face again either, for that matter. I’m crying all over the paper..damn. But let me start at the beginning.. I spent the morning in the bath, peering at my body through too much hot water and simmering up the whole back wing of the house..I wiped steam from the mirrors and looked at myself for a long time, feeling those blue eyes on me, wondering if i would look that way later..that damp, warm glow..I found myself wondering if we would wake up together. i certainly wanted him to spend the night - you just don’t walk away from your first lover. I could not believe my fate would go any other way; I would not allow it. I spent the afternoon trying to look beautiful. I gave up; candlelight would paint me into something better, I hoped. I set out all Gran’s candles (one thing she *has* taught me is restoration-charming, which would return the candles to their intricate, unburned form), never suspecting I wouldn’t get to light even one. I put my hair up, sprayed myself with jasmine, telephoned. Waited. Tried to imagine how this would be.. what he would say, where he would touch me, how it would feel afterward..I fell onto the rug in the den, dizzy and warm, and kept on falling right into sleep- the hand on my face startled me and I cried out, but he moved his hand over my mouth instead. I couldn’t move or see; I had forgotten to light the fire and the room was darker than a dead man’s eyes. When I heard the voice, I relaxed and the hand moved away..down to my neck, sliding over my jaw and across my lips..his hands tasted like work and soap and warmth and I kissed his fingers, nipped the rough skin of his fingertips. How did you get in here? I remembered to ask as he moved away to build the fire. He took off his cap, studied the front of it for a moment, tossed it at me. -Just a trick I picked up at home- he said, winking. I put his cap on the couch as I moved around trying to light candles. I kept looking at the flames too long and burning my fingers on the matches - not a single wick would take the spark. A shiver ran through me and I silently put the matches away. When the room behind me finally glowed with firelight , I turned to him. -well- there was nothing else to say for the moment. we just looked at each other for a long time.. I didn’t move until I was sure my hands had stopped trembling and then I walked over and put them on his shoulders and leaned up and took his mouth like a breath of air and dove deep. Somewhere in that quiet time we knelt and then lay on the thick rug, pulling each other closer, gripping hips and arms and necks.. We slid over and around each other, kissing and touching and closing our eyes so that I saw only flickers of motion; his arms on either side of my head as he lifted himself over me to take off his shirt - his mouth and the curve of his jaw when he kissed my forehead with an odd grace and I put my mouth to the line of his throat clumsily and closed my eyes again when he groaned. I looked down at the top of his head while he unbuttoned my dress.. pressed back against the floor - i couldn’t look at him looking at me..I couldn’t look away. He turned his head slightly - his mouth on me felt so hungry, so needy -- I heard the question he was afraid to ask and put the answer on my tongue when he came up to kiss me. We moved together until we were standing and undressed each other, kissing and touching shyly as we went along..I couldn’t look at him, i don’t know why. I felt my face flush red, and I looked away. He put his hand on the small of my back and pulled me against him and my face grew redder.. my hands began to shake again as we lay down, but I could not stop them from holding onto him as he slid forward.. I could feel him barely touching me..he was so warm..I closed my eyes And then the room exploded into light as every candle suddenly blazed into life - Turn page for rest of entry.. Turn back a page.. close the journal