Jay pulled away from me suddenly as the room began to shimmer with candlelight. What should have been romantic was terrifying: I sat up and covered my body with my arms. Jay leaned towards the nearest candle; I grabbed him just as he started to blow out the light. -No! I didn’t light that candle - who knows what could happen if you blew it out? - It sounded crazy, but Gran would have agreed with me; It’s just plain foolish to undo what another sorcereress has done if it is not done in a harmful way. Erase white magic and you are left in the black; one of the oldest rules in our books- but Jay didn’t know this. He ignored me and blasted out half the candles in a single angry breath. -What the hell is this? he yelled - and then he did something that scared me so bad, it makes my hand shake to write it. He stood up and here I must pause to say that I could not stop looking at him, despite my fear..he was absolutely beautiful and definitely not listening to me pleading with him to stop as he began to shout at the door leading to the stairs. -Who’s up there? Who did this?! There was nothing to break the silence but logs snapping in the fireplace. Finally, he remembered I was there and knelt and put his arms around me. I tried not to look at him, but I couldn’t help it and his gaze followed mine..But when he pulled me up from the floor and pressed against me, I felt nothing but anger in his touch and said as much to him. He looked everywhere but my face and it hurt me more than I had thought - he was angry at me..he felt this was my fault, that I had caused things to get interrupted because..because, hell I don’t know why, but I saw that thought shoot across his mind like a sharp knife and it cut the delicate bond we had made. There was nothing I could say and there was no love to make after that. I dressed and turned on the lights. He put his clothes on slowly and made no effort to speak to me.. I sat in Gran’s chair, trying not to look at him (as angry and sad as I felt, I was still curious) and feeling my throat tighten. I would not cry until he was gone, i told myself, but I barely shut the door behind him when I slid to the floor and let them come. I was afraid to close my eyes, I was afraid I would see us and I didn’t want to know. What might have been, what might have been, what might have been - what’s wrong with me? *Did* I make those candles light up? Why can’t I control this? To hell with this family if they’re going to give me nothing but missed opportunities and power I can’t control. Uncontrolled power belongs to nobody - and damned if I don’t feel the same way tonight. Jay, go home and think of me. Come back when you can see me for what I am, not what has me. On to more recent work.. Turn back a page.. close the journal