An internet date ...
Art photography |
ShanT's art |
Great Jokes |
ShanT's 40th birthday party |
Ardenne 2004 |
is the story of me meeting Stephanie, a beautiful woman, and mother
of a beautiful kid.
For fun I had put
my profile in 'Relatie Planeet', a dating site in the Netherlands.
First click was on a picture, of S. I was no member yet, so
the only thing I could do was send a heart. She responded! From
there on we started to chat. MSN video chat. She is gorgeous. She
has her own website-BLOG,
and I was astounded by the beauty of her pictures and poems, beside
fell in love. And as it seemed, did she. After some time we made an
appointment to go dancing. I was nervous. She was there, at
'Silly's', with her friend, O. They both had such a sweetness, I
thought didn't exist in the Hague any more. I thought I had found
the golden pot at the end of the rainbow...
We danced and
started to cuddle and kiss.. It was so beautiful. I felt we fitted
together perfectly. I was amazed by her beauty, tenderness and her
eyes. WOW! I could not believe this was happening. I believe we
danced all night long. The man from the lights had at a moment even
a spot light focused on us, seeing something beautiful was happening
When the disco
closed, I brought her home. The two of us on the bicycle in the
middle of the night. We held hands... I felt a teenager again. We
passed my house on the way to hers, and the question was there,
would we stay together that night... and we returned to my house. I
didn't want to stay together straight away, but then, when she said
she wanted, what could I say? No? We only slept, without any sexual
tension, at home with each other. Not really that much sleeping,
because I was watching her every breath... I felt it to be so
natural. It's beautiful to have these spaces with a woman.
4 days later we
went for a walk on the beach, and ended up in a restaurant, with a view
on the harbor. The sight was great, and I loved being with her as
did she love to be with me. We got to the car, only to find out it
had a flat tire. I managed to drive to the gas station, to borrow a
winch, since I didn't have one. Everybody helped us, me on the
floor, she waiting at the side, watching. That night again, we slept
together.... and it was beautiful. I wanted her! I want to be with
her! Melting, I said, 'we are the same', and she said 'yes, we are'.
We made love.
Somewhere along the
line, she had told me, she was dating someone from her work since
2-3 months. But she was missing something with him. For me this was
saying 'I am available', and after this second night, I asked
her what was our present situation, concerning him. There it was,
things went wrong. She thought it to be harsh to tell him she didn't
want to date him anymore... She didn't want to hurt him. We joked a
bit about me having another girlfriend, but somewhere inside me got
hurt. Wasn't this as special for her as it was for me? I got
Next day we went
out to the beach. Tischa and Matthias were there too...
12 September 2004
Matthias... The wind was
blowing with tremendous force. The kite blew apart, and we decided
to leave the beach to have a walk in the park....
was in a turmoil. What I thought to become a great day, became a
very emotional struggle. S didn't want Matthias to see us
close, so he could not tell her friend. And I felt being on a
second place, not being able to have the quality time I felt inside
to share. basically, I got fucked up.
and Matthias had a great time, but I didn't. I couldn't even talk
with her. I felt I would become very emotional if we did, and this
would break the appointment (promise) I made. Matthias wasn't going
to see anything.
Matthias. She is gorgeous. I can not not feel for her. What should
Tischa loved them.
We went back to the
sea, bought some ice cream, and let the kids play in the
Tischa. S calls him by the name 'Ties', as I do with
I brought them back
home, where she gave me a little affection. I was sad. In the car I
told Tischa what was the situation. Those crazy women. I seem to
find them everywhere.
Next day we had a
talk, and suddenly she understood why I was so distant, the other
day. I told her I didn't want to be in this situation, and if she
wanted to keep on seeing me, she had to make a choice. She promised
to tell the other guy, it was over. She wanted to be with me, and
have the opportunity to see each other whenever we wanted, not only
when he wasn't there... Things didn't work out that way.
The strange things
began. I didn't hear from her for 5 days, but 2 SMS's. She had a
hard time closing up the old 'relationship', and got into hiding. She
was confused... Now, what is this kind of a signal? I didn't want to
believe it, so I waited...
Finally contact. We
made an appointment. We were going to the movies... She told me to
call me where we were going to meet. I thought to go ahead, and wait for her at
the theatre, called her, but she didn't pick up the phone. I waited
50 minutes, SMS't and phoned. Nothing.
something broke. This was also the second time she left me waiting.
Exactly at the same place, the bar next to the theatre. This isn't
right! In the evening I got an e-mail, where she said, she was in
panic. Got in panic, because the other man disconnected from her
emotionally. Suddenly, it was clear. This is a messed up case. I got
to get out!
She wasn't ghappy!
The kids were
asking about the other. They liked each other. Matthias wanted a
sister like Tischa (S told me), and Tischa a brother like
September 27 2004.
She has gone, out of my life. With the other guy. What started great, ended. Why the
heck put yourself at a dating site, if you have a lover, let alone,
create something new... I was fooled... see my BLOG
. Next time better.. Hope she is happy now. I wonder... How can two
souls meet in such a way, and end up like this. I actually knew what
was coming, and accepted the consequences. The price of love...
confused, in agony, whaaaaaattt?.
I am here. Where
Yes, I am a fool!.
She did not try to
contact me anymore. Yup, here she is, there she is vanished...
October 1 2004
is, that I think I can feel her. Her mood had changed to tears for a short
moment, when I shortly congratulated with her sun's birthday, and
gave her best wishes with her illness. I didn't wait for her answer.
I am giving her what she gives me, the silent treatment. Even if we
are the same, what we found out, she preserves her innocence by
going inside and hide, while I went outside and fought. I miss the
spaces, that she still keeps, but I don't agree with an almost
mental way of going into denial of the present, and going into an
autistic mode. Communication doesn't always brings people to where
you are and want to be, and it takes time to make friends on your
level. And If you are afraid for an argument, well, whom am I
talking too anyway. My soul-mate took another road. I had put a
message on my blog, I fell for another girl. Changed my MSN message,
I was in love. It was to see how S would react, and if I
would notice a change in our connection. Feels like the link I had
with S is getting less. I know she reads my Blog every
day... As she never contacts me, she is the quiet sufferer and
dreamer. Hello real world! I am real. As is the Herpes.
how I still can't believe this all has happened this way. A part of
me is hoping, she will turn around, and say, 'he, here I am!' for me
only, and promise to deal with her communication issue. Speak out
when she feels alone, afraid of abandonment, or anything. Find those
words! But then, I am looking around again. This seems a hopeless
case. I tried to say goodbye a few times, but there is still this
little connection, and hope. It's just growing away...
last mail, she told me she wanted to be friends, since the thing
with the other guy is not finished. She wants to learn to know me. I
think this will take some time. For one thing, friends who don't
keep appointments... I don't like that. Friends who don't share...
what is a friendship? Sharing, isn't it? I let things come from her
now. She seems to know what she wants with me, so she'll show me.
October 2, 2004
She saw this page
after I updated it today. Right away I got an e-mail. She felt I was
feeling revenge. She made clear it was by being with me, she
discovered the other man, was her man. I should put her in another
place, before I could only think bad about her. She told me sorry
again, for her bad behavior towards me. I feel disconnected from
her now. It started this afternoon in the bar already. This is what
I needed to know. Thank you, S. For your inspiration, and
letting me go. There is space again for someone else...
I had to see a
doctor, since my dig was red and moist, and had little blisters on
it. One week after sleeping with S. these symptoms came up. I am
sure never to have had these symptoms, and although one can be a
bearer of Herpes, without knowing this, the first time it shows, is
after one week after infection! I phoned S right after visiting the
doctor, spoke messages in her voice mail, and send SMS's. She didn't
respond. I wanted to tell her in person, but she refused to pick up
the phone... I send her an e-mail. No response. I called her friend
O. and then, next day I received n e-mail from her. I explained what
was the situation, and she told me never to have had any symptoms.
She was going to see a doctor about this. Never heard anything
since... Was I the Herpes carrier? Or did I get it from her? Does
she have it now? Did she have it before? I'll never know.
November 17, 2004
she has taken all her pictures off her BLOG. It's a shame. They were
beautiful. Guess she didn't want anybody to know she has probably Herpes and
how she looks like... (since I link to her BLOG).
that she probably passed it on to me! I was stupid not to use a condom, but
she probably passes it around to many guys! Be aware! She is a beautiful
person with little responsibility! It is fully your responsibility!
And be aware with me! I, for sure, have Herpes now!
went out to Emiel's exposition, later in the day...
I met Marc, on the
way to the opening of Emiel's exhibition. We went together.
Emiel and some
people at the exhibit.
Behind them some of
Emiel's work. Looks very good! Beautiful. If I had the money and a
place for them, I would buy it.
Thor, Marc's sun,
and Tischa in front of one of Emiel's art pieces...
or Feedback on ShanT's web site
Stephanie Klein has got Herpes.
Stephanie Klein heeft Herpes.