Maj. Hog Denies


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Maj. Hog


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HotBasic Compiler

Maj. Hog Denies chronicle his denials and activities as patriot and HotBasic Compiler spokespig.

2005

Jan 1
Maj. Hog: "Atomic clocks need confirmation. The first HotBasic elf-produced Linux application now definitively confirms the year is indeed 2005."

2004
Dec 29
Maj. Hog: "HotBasic elves may use magic as long as violated laws of physics are not too noticeable and do not cause public panic or the toppling of governments."

Dec 13
Maj. Hog: "I reject the insinuation that I should comment."

Dec 3
Reporter: "...and we will persist until we get an answer."
Maj. Hog: "I repeat once again. I cannot account for the oil-for-food $21 billion. As proof, accountants certify that only $20 billion of it is in HotBasic Manor vaults."

Nov 9
GATES VISIT UPDATE:
Reporter: "Is Mr. Gates too busy with billion dollar deals to visit?"
Maj. Hog: "Nothing compares with a coveted photo-opportunity with the HotBasic Manor elves."

Oct 10
Reporter: "Is Mr. Gates miffed with HotBabe?"
Maj. Hog: "This rumor is without foundation. As a most distinguished guest, Mr. Gates will receive a warm welcome from HotBabe and the elves at HotBasic Manor."

Sep 15
Maj. Hog: "How many times do I have to tell you that the forged documents are not fake?"

Sep 4
Maj. Hog: "I deny involvement in the Visual Basic Veterans For Truth ads promoting HotBasic."

Aug 31
GATES VISIT WATCH: 1 month. Still no clear response to invitation to HotBasic Manor.

Aug 12
Maj. Hog: "It is not correct to report that a date has been set for the Gates 'dinner and movie' visit to HotBasic Manor."

July 31
BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft Corporation invited to HotBasic Manor.

July 26
Maj. Hog: "It is not my fault if the candidate you vote for is elected."

July 20
Reporter: "Could you be the next HotBasic CEO?"
Maj. Hog: "The legal department finds that the CEO does not have to be human, citing the precedent that swine have already served as CEOs in major companies."

July 11
Maj. Hog: "We emphatically deny the assertion never reported in the media that HotBasic is already perfect".

May 14
Maj. Hog: "Due to their solid participation in the HotBasic community, countries like The Netherlands, France, Spain and Germany will be allowed to remain in the European Union."

May 8
Maj. Hog: "We categorically deny that HotBasic is fast because it reverses the direction of time."

Apr 30
Maj. Hog: "Due to their solid participation in the HotBasic community, 10 nations were added to the European Union."

Mar 26
Maj. Hog: "We apologize if VB and PB makers are up all night fixing their 'missing function result' bug."

Mar 15
Reporter: "Maj. Hog, may we assume that the Mojave Desert robot software was not written in HotBasic?"

Mar 2
Maj. Hog: "Sub-surface communities need not be concerned that the two Blue Planet alien craft will find where we put the water."

Jan 29
Maj. Hog: "The two alien craft without life forms do not pose an imminent threat to our sub-surface Red Planet communities."

Jan 19
Maj. Hog: "Due to the media frenzy at HotBasic Manor, we have doubled the seating capacity for the press. If one reporter shows up, there will now be one empty seat for a second reporter."

2003
Dec 28
Maj. Hog debut as only non-human foreign news correspondent for a major news organization.

Dec 19
Other news: HotBabe crowned Miss Compiler 2003!

Dec 15
World: Maj. Hog denies widespread non-existing reports that he rooted out Saddam Hussein with his bare nose.

Nov 29
HotBasic's six-month birthday gala celebration at the HotBasic Manor! Meanwhile, official spokespig Maj. Hog released a statement: "Contrary to persistent rumors never heard by anybody, we categorically deny that HotBabe is booked for the Howard Stern show and that spokespig Maj. Hog has ever spent the night in the NeverLand petting zoo."

July 29
Media celebrities and leaders of government and business are starting to arrive for the 2-Month Birthday of HotBasic at the HotBasic Manor in the rolling hills of the Global Services Estate. Guests eagerly await an entertainment spectacle including the HotBasic Icon Wet T-Shirt show. One guest was heard saying, "It's amazing how well-developed she is at only two months of age."

2002
July 10
Q: Is it true that Maj. Hog works completely in the nude?
A: That is not true. There was one time when Maj. Hog obtained life-saving intelligence by stripping naked and going unarmed to a terrorist camp and simply pretending to sleep next to the tent of the terrorist leader. Upon return with valuable intelligence, he swore to never work naked again. In the office, Maj. Hog prefers his military uniform showing the decorations for his many exploits.
Copyright © 2002-2004 Global Services
Original Publication: July 31, 2004

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