consistently arbitrary since 2001

life is a B-movie -- it's stupid and it's strange
Today was an exercise in futility.

Not because anything particularly bad happened, or really anything of consequence; it was just the cumulative impact of lots of stupid little things breaking or not turning out as planned or frustrating me. Like the stopper in the bathroom sink getting stuck down for no apparent reason and defying my efforts to pry it up with my trusty screwdriver. Calling people but getting only answering machines and no return calls. Trying to get the glue from the world's stickiest sticker off my brand-new picture frame. A questionable potato. Paying $131 to get my car antenna replaced (OK, that was last week, but it still aggravates me). As I said: tiny, yet exasperating things.

Also, I think I may have fallen asleep on the phone last night while I was talking to Marcus. But I might have only dreamed it. I can't quite remember.

Last weekend I went home because Leslie and Adam were visiting from Michigan. Her family had a big get-together at her parents' house, which meant hordes of people and kids. And it was great. Since I spent a considerable number of my waking hours at their house between the ages of 13 and 18, they treat me like I'm part of the family. Hence, I was greeted with a barrage of exuberant hugs. We didn't do a lot, but it didn't matter. It felt good to just hang around and catch up and let the antics of Leslie and Adam's 9-month-old daughter entertain us. It was nice to be somewhere I belonged. What was weird, though, was being almost the only single person there. All that marital bliss made me want to be married, too. I had to squelch the desire to find myself a husband immediately. I am, of course, nowhere near marriage, and since I am happy with my singleness for the first time in a number of years, it would probably be best for me to stay that way until I have figured out my ridiculous self.

Wednesday, August 13

some days take less, but most days take more
Today I:

Awoke from a dream in which I was in a house filled with people who had the flu, with which I was also afflicted, and among whom were Marcus and Paris Hilton, whose existence for some inexplicable reason annoys me. I spent most of this dream trying to avoid having my stomach pumped in the bathtub, which was apparently the cure for the aforementioned malady. I'm pleased to report I was successful.
Encountered a daddy-long-legs in my bathtub, which, because I am a good person, I put outside instead of condemning to a watery death in the sewers, where it would most likely have become some sort of horrific monster that snacks on 10-foot-long rats, five-pound three-eyed goldfish and mutated crocodiles.
Discovered that an anonymous individual, whom I have referred to largely by a string of obscenities but will call Asshole for short, decided it would be fun to wreck my car's antenna. I suppose I should be grateful Asshole didn't decide to key the car or something equally malicious, but I fervently wish people around here would keep their unkind hands OFF MY HARD-EARNED POSSESSIONS.
Determined that it will cost me $41 dollars to get a new antenna, and most likely a few more to have it installed.
Spoke largely in vulgarities for another few minutes.
Got four inches of my hair hacked off because it's too hot to have hair.
Bought a garden hose.
Found a spider running around my kitchen. Now it, too, resides outside, where it can dine on evil, West-Nile-carrying mosquitoes.
Made some fabulous fried rice, a much more successful kitchen venture than the frittata from earlier this week.
While cleaning my dirt-caked bike with my spanking-new garden hose, met a man who apparently lives in my building but whom I've never seen before who offered to tune up my bike should the need arise.
Got REALLY REALLY excited about seeing Robin and Shan the day after tomorrow.

Monday, August 11

a day in the life:
Today I learned three things. THREE!

1. Les Schwab will rotate your tires for free, even in the rain. Bless you, Les Schwab.

2. The perfect frittata, so wantonly displayed on the Food Network, does not exist. I know this because I made the ugliest frittata ever. If I had a digital camera, I'd take a picture, but since such a hideous sight would scar you for life, it's probably best left to the imagination. Have come to the realization that perfect frittatas, like souffles, are only a figment of the imagination, and all images of these alleged eggy wonders must be fakes. Especially since my recipe claimed it takes a mere 15 minutes to prepare and cook the "easy" dish, and it took me the better part of an hour. Lies! Lies! Also, there was this unfortunate moment when my recipe demanded that the mess be sprinkled with parmesan and put in the broiler in an oven-safe pan. How the hell am I supposed to know if my frying pan is oven safe? It's a FRYING PAN. Who makes a stovetop pan that you can just slip into the eight-million-degree oven on a whim? But since the eggs on top looked suspiciously runnier than they should, and I am not interested in death by salmonella or in finding out if my best pan will melt, I was forced to flop the whole mess into a pie pan. It was ugly before that, but the move certainly didn't improve its looks.

It was edible, though, so I guess that's all that counts. And there's some Haagen-Dasz vanilla frozen yogurt to console me after my cooking traumas. Dessert is the only reason to eat dinner, anyway.

3. In the course of the trying events above, I was forced to learn to separate eggs. It was nowhere near as difficult as I had been led to believe, although rather messy. It also left me with a bunch of useless yolks, which caused me great guilt over my wastefulness. But running out on the street to ask whether anyone needed some organic egg yolks didn't seem like a viable option, so I guess they'll just nourish some yummy bacteria in the Dumpster instead. (Did you know Dumpster is a trademark, and hence, like Kleenex, should always be capitalized? Doesn't that just blow your mind? Probably not, but, you know, interesting trivia.)

Oh, in addition to the three (THREE!) things I learned today, I also had a flash of inspiration for a redesign, which may actually occur someday.

That completes this account of today's adventures. Tomorrow I sally forth to see whether I can reach Powell's alone without becoming hopelessly lost. Never a dull moment with me.