THE IRS
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his pastor, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Pastor.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy,long,fannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.
Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "Pastor, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
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WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO SAY!
3 friends die in a car accident,
they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you,
what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says,
"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time,
and a great family man."
The second guy says,
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies,
"I would like to hear them say....
...LOOK,HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!! ##########################################################################
One day in the Garden of Eden,
Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord,
I know you've created me
and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals,
and that hilarious comedy snake,
but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?"
came the reply from above.
"Lord,
I am lonely.
And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve,
in that case,
I have a solution.
I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature,
with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize
or listen to you properly.
All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you.
He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about
and hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great,"
says Eve,
with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah,
well.
He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Adam responded:
"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.
The local priest
"Paddy," he said,
"Really, Father?"
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day.
They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a
sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on
a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.
Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they'd left
their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to
get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.
After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his
privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation,
it's my face they would recognize."
"Don't be silly,
you are the only woman on earth"
Filling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve.
"What the heck are you doing?" he asked.
came across Paddy
who had stumbled out of the town tavern.
"I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you
in Heaven one day."
slurred Paddy.
"What have you done?"
ZZZ