"Look at this! Just look!" Orli's beautiful visage was marred with tears of anger and frustration as he stood in front of Viggo.
"What am I looking at?" Viggo asked confusedly.
"Me! I look like a bloated oliphaunt!"
Viggo bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. "Orli, you're almost eight months pregnant. What did you expect?"
"I didn't know what to expect, Vig! It's not exactly like I ever thought about what would happen if I got pregnant."
"You look fine, Orli."
"Fuck off."
"Really, I'm serious! You're practically glowing."
"Glowing?" Orli threw his hands up in the air. "You're no help at all. I don't want to be glowing -- I want to be the same sexy bitch I've always been."
"Orli--"
"And this is *your* fault."
"Not this again," Viggo muttered.
"I never should have spread my legs for you, Viggo oh-I'm-such-a-sexy-brooding-artist-with-an-air-of-mystery-about-me-and-no-one-can-resist-my-legendary-sexual-prowess Mortensen!"
"Now listen, Orlando look-at-me-I'm-such-a-pouting-sex-kitten-with-the-firmest-ass-in-the-world Bloom. Are you saying that you wish our babies didn't exist?! What kind of think is that to say?"
"I -- I didn't mean it like that," Orli said, promptly bursting into tears. He sank down on the couch and put his hands on his swollen belly. "Oh God, I'm going to be such an awful daddy!"
"You'll be a great daddy, Orli."
"No I won't. I'll be the kind of father who goes to the grocery story and accidentally leaves his baby sitting in the produce department."
"Why do you think that? You're a wonderful man, and you'll be a wonderful father. I know what it takes to raise a kid, and you'll do just fine."
"You really think so?" Orli sniffled. "You're not just saying that?"
"Trust me. You'll be great."
"Thanks, Vig."
Viggo kissed Orli's forehead and then watched with a smile as the younger man waddled back into the kitchen. He thought about his feelings towards Orli; of course he had always loved Orli as a friend, but everything had changed. Somewhere between holding Orli's head over the toilet in the throes of morning sickness and ducking objects thrown at him during a violent mood swing, Viggo had fallen in love with the man who was having his children.
*****
"Mum, really I'm doing fine," Orli assured her as he twisted the phone cord around his fingers. "You don't need to come stay with us. We have plenty of support here."
"But I want to be there when my grandbabies are born, Orlando," Sonia Bloom told her son.
"I promise, you'll be the first person we call when I go into labor."
"How is Viggo treating you?"
"Wonderfully."
"He's such a nice boy. Maybe you two will settle down and you'll finally stop chasing so much tail."
Orli rolled his eyes. "We'll see. Listen mum, I really have to go."
"Alright, sweetie. I'll talk to you soon."
"Bye, mum." He hung up the phone and switched on the TV, scanning through the daytime talk shows in search of a topic that would hold his interest. "Let's see," Orli said. "Hmm, 'hermaphrodites who have sex with livestock', 'my mom's a porn star -- and I film the movies', 'I get off on hairy feet' . . . ooh, here's one -- 'my baby's father is in love with someone else'. Kind of bland, but I'll go with it."
He watched as women yelled at the men who had gotten them pregnant, and realized how lucky he was that the daddy of his babies was Viggo and not one of the skanky guys on the show. Especially since before getting pregnant, Orli wasn't exactly above shagging the occasional skanky guy -- if he needed a suck or fuck, almost any man would do. But since that one night with Viggo, he didn't think he'd ever be able to go back to random hook-ups again.
Part of it was because Viggo had incomparable skills -- after all, he was hung like a stallion and could outlast the Energizer Bunny. But it was more than that. It was because Orli had fallen in love with the annoyingly enigmatic and stubbly poet. Viggo never complained when Orli went on a tirade, he always made sure that the water was the right temperature for Orli's bubble baths, and he kept him well-stocked with chocolates for when a sappy commercial started a new round of tears. Speaking of sappy commercials . . .
"Viggo! I need the chocolates!"
Viggo immediately appeared with a box of Godiva chocolates (only the best for his Orli) and a box of tissues. "Which commercial is it this time?" he asked, sitting down on the bed and comfortingly stroking Orli's curls.
"The . . . the one with the baby in the bath!" Orli sobbed as he watched a commercial for baby shampoo. "Look how happy that baby is, Vig. Do you think our babies will be happy?"
"Of course they'll be happy," Viggo assured him, holding out a peanut butter truffle for his beloved. "We will have wonderful babies, Orlando, and they'll be smart, and beautiful, and happy."
"Do you think they'll look like me? I really want to pass my perfect cheekbones and flawless skin onto another generation."
"I'm sure the babies will be just as gorgeous as you are."
"You think I'm gorgeous?" Orli looked up at Viggo through watery eyes and gave him a shy smile.
"Yes. After all, I *did* sleep with you that night."
"Yeah, that night. Wow, that was quite a night, wasn't it?"
"It certainly was."
They looked at each other for a few moments, each one falling deeper in love with the other. Their hearts were racing, both wanting to make a move but afraid of being rejected. Finally, Viggo placed a fluttering palm on the side of Orli's face.
"Orli."
"Yes, Viggo?" Orli asked breathlessly.
"I've been thinking a lot lately, and--"
"Oh! They kicked again! Feel it!" Orli exclaimed. He grabbed Viggo's hand and placed it on his stomach. They could feel the babies doing the samba, the mambo, and the jig at the same time inside of the womb.
"Wow, that's wonderful," Viggo said weakly, a little disappointed that his conversation with Orli had been interrupted.
"So, um, what were you saying?"
"Just . . . nothing."
*****
"Really, this is too much," Orli said as he looked at the mountain of gifts his friends had given him for the baby shower. "I can't believe how wonderful these gifts are."
"Do you like the ruffled gingham bibs?" Elijah asked. "I got it so the babies would match your shirts."
"That's so sweet, Elijah. All of you, really, these are wonderful. And Ian, yours is marvelous."
"Yes, I've heard that 'Shakespeare For Babies' is an excellent book," Viggo agreed.
"'To burp or not to burp -- that is the question,'" Ian quoted sonorously. "'A diaper by any other name would smell just as foul.'"
"Liv, this Aerosmith/Spacehog lullaby collection is fantastic," Orli continued. "Not to menion Billy's baby kilts. This is all so sweet. Thank you all."
"You're very welcome," Sean Bean said. "So have you two given any thought to what will happen after the babies are born? Is Orli going to live here?"
Orli and Viggo looked at each other. "We hadn't really discussed that," Orli admitted.
"Do you want to?" Viggo asked softly. "I'd love to have you here so we could be together. I mean, together with the babies. As a family."
Orli's bottom lip quivered adorably. "I want that, too. We'll be the happiest family in all of California, Viggo."
"All thanks to me!" Elijah exclaimed. Everyone looked at him. "Well, I mean it *was* my book of spells that started this."
"Damnit, Elijah," Sean Astin snapped. "You ruined the moment."
"What moment?"
"Orli and Viggo were having a moment!"
"Still not getting it," Elijah said with a shrug.
"You're hopeless."
"Listen, Orli, I was going to say something before Elijah's interruption," Viggo said in a trembling voice.
"What, Viggo? Tell me," Orli pleaded.
"Orlando Bloom, from the moment I saw your ass in those elf leggings, I've felt something for you. I was convinced that it was merely attraction, but then after you moved in I realized that it was more than that. I realized that I was falling in love with you. And it's not because you're pregnant with our little critters, it's because you have the sweetest soul and the most mind-blowing sexual talents. I love you, Orli, and I want you to always be in my life."
"Oh, Viggy," Orli whispered, tears filling his eyes. "I feel the same way about you. I want you to be the one who I wake up next to every morning and who rams his cock inside of me every night. I love you, Viggo."
Everyone dabbed at their eyes with handkerchiefs as the two men kissed, their joined hands coming to rest on Orli's swollen stomach. "I knew they'd get together," Liv said dreamily.
"Yeah, and all it took was male pregnancy," Dom observed.
Suddenly the kiss ended, as Orli let out a sharp cry of pain. "What?" Viggo asked, fear showing in his stormy blue eyes.
"I think I'm going into labor."
"You're two weeks early!"
"I don't think the babies really care!"
Billy jumped up. "To the hospital we go!"
"This is really it," Orli said as Viggo helped him to his feet. "I'm going to be a father."
"And I'll be right there with you."
"And we'll live happily ever after."
But could it really be that simple?
