TITLE: The Laws of Nature (4/4)
AUTHOR: Elizabeth (sef7881@aol.com)
WEBSITE: https://www.angelfire.com/scary/randominsanity/RandomInsanity.html
PAIRING: Viggo Mortensen/Orlando Bloom
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Orli gets pregnant
FEEDBACK: It's the highlights in my hairdo, the extra arms on Vishnu
WARNINGS: Crack!Fic, male pregnancy, cross dressing
DISCLAIMER: This story is solely a product of my *twisted* imagination
ARCHIVE: BTF, Of Elves and Men, my site; all others please ask, but
I'll surely say yes
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is a Crack!Fic containing deranged humor and medical
impossibilities -- proceed with caution
DATE WRITTEN: June 28th, 2003
"I don't know what I ever saw in you, you worthless human scum!" Orli screamed as he had another contraction. "I hope you're attacked by evil chipmunks who dismember you and sell your limbs on ebay!"
Viggo winced as Orli squeezed his hand even tighter. Where the hell was the anesthesiologist? The longer Orli was in pain, the more Viggo feared for his own safety. "Just hold on a bit longer, honey," he urged.
"Honey? *HONEY*?! Don't call me honey! I hate you!"
Oh yes, this was definitely fun. "Please Orli, just try to breathe. It's not that bad."
"Oh really?" Orli glared at the man he usually loved but wasn't so enamored of right now. "It feels like I'm trying to push a watermelon through a garden hose, you prick! I want my fucking C-Section!!!"
Viggo sighed in relief as a small team of doctors walked into the delivery room. "Please tell me that one of you is the anesthesiologist," he begged.
"That would be me," said one of the doctors. "I'm Dr. Zhivago. These are my associates, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Strangelove, Dr. No, Dr. Evil, and Dr. Dre."
"Hi," Viggo and Orli said in unison.
"Okay, now Orlando I need you to take a deep breath," Dr. Zhivago said as he took out a huge and terrifying-looking needle. "Just remember that you won't feel a thing."
Orli whimpered and buried his head in Viggo's neck. "Don't let him hurt me, Vig."
"Ssh, it's okay," Viggo soothed. "It's just anesthesia -- you won't feel it."
Sure enough, Dr. Zhivago administered the local and all of a sudden, Orli's pain was magically gone. "I think we're ready to go in and get your babies, Orlando."
"They're Viggo's babies, too," Orli said proudly, making his beloved's heart melt.
"Oh, my little snowflake," Viggo murmured lovingly. "We're going to have our babies soon."
Orli smiled, but inside he was terrified. What if something went wrong at the last minute? What if he dropped the babies when they were handed to him? Why were they letting someone named Dr. Evil assist in the delivery? So many questions were swirling around in his head that he wasn't paying attention to the C-Section at all. That is, until he heard the shrill cry of an infant.
He jerked his head up and stared at a screaming, wriggling, red little infant who was seriously pissed off about having been taken out of the womb. Moments later, a second baby started screaming as it entered the world, and Viggo and Orli were unable to tear their eyes away from the tiny humans. Their tiny humans. Sure, they looked a bit like unwashed fruit, but no one looks perfect after nine months in a uterus.
"You have two little boys," Dr. Ruth declared.
"They're beautiful," Orli said tearily. "Oh, what miracles they are."
"Would you like to cut the cords, Viggo?" Dr. Dre asked.
"Of course," Viggo sniffled, trying unsuccessfully to hold back tears as he snipped the umbilical cords off of his new sons.
As the babies were washed and weighed, and Orli was sewn up again, the two fathers gazed at each other lovingly, losing themselves in the seas of love they saw in each others' eyes, the love that was plain to see on their faces making them fall even more in love until it felt as if their hearts would burst with love because of how much they loved each other. Did I mention that they were very much in love?
"Here are your sons," said Dr. Evil (who was actually a very nice guy). "Be careful with them."
Viggo and Orli each took one of the tiny baby boys and looked down at them. One of them had a fine tuft of blonde hair and deep chocolate eyes, while the other had steely blue eyes and a tiny curl of black hair. Both had cleft chins and olive skin.
"Look at them," Orli marveled. "They're . . ."
"They're perfect," Viggo breathed. One of the babies chose that moment to fart, but they didn't care.
"What should we name them?"
"Well, I think we should go with what we discussed," Viggo said, stroking a finger over one of the babies' silken arms.
"Agreed." Orli looked at the baby Viggo was holding. "You shall be Horatio Wolfgang Cornelius Eustace Aragorn Mortensen-Bloom."
Viggo smiled and looked at the baby Orli was holding. "And you shall be Aloysius Oswald Ferdinand Ulysses Legolas Mortensen-Bloom."
The babies cooed in delight at their names, their tiny brains realizing that with parents named Viggo and Orlando, they were going to get weird names no matter what. Both fathers were unable to stop themselves from crying as the babies looked up at them with big eyes, trying to adjust to life outside of the womb.
"Well, they seem completely healthy," announced Dr. No. "Both weigh eight pounds, two ounces. Oh, and Orlando's spontaneously generated uterus has been successfully removed.
"Thank God," Orli said with a smile.
"So we'll leave you to get acquainted with your sons," Dr. Dre told them. "If you need anything, just give a holler and Nurse Betty will be right in."
The doctors left the room, and Viggo and Orli turned to each other with matching smiles on their faces. "I love you, Orli," Viggo said softly.
"I love you, too."
"After all the time we've spent together and all the things we've been through, I've done a lot of thinking. And I have a question to ask you. Will you--"
"Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!" Orli exclaimed.
Viggo grinned. "Um, I was actually going to ask if you were willing to do the first midnight feeding. But if you want to get married, then that's what we'll do."
*****
And so it came to pass that Viggo and Orli gathered their friends and family at their house for a small wedding six months after their babies were born. (Let's just assume that the government had gotten its head out of its ass and legalized gay marriages.) Horatio and Aloysius had been dressed by Orli, which might have explained why they kept spitting up on their shirts. Viggo had worn his favorite outfit -- jeans, a paint-splattered shirt, and a cowboy hat (no socks or shoes), while Orli was resplendent in a white chiffon wedding gown designed by Vera Wang that nicely highlighted his perfect ass.
"Dearly beloved," intoned Ian, who had been chosen to officiate the ceremony. "We are gathered here today to witness Viggo Mortensen and Orlando Bloom join together in holy matrimony. And it's about time, since God knows they've already joined together in countless other positions."
"Now Orlando," Ian continued, "do you take Viggo to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you take him for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in potency and in impotency? To have and to hold, to suck and to blow, until death do you part?"
"Yes," Orli said as tears streamed down his cheeks.
"And Viggo, do you take Orlando to be your lawfully wedded husband? Do you take him for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in the bed and on the floor? To cherish and to ravish, to snuggle and to snowball, until death do you part?"
"I do," Viggo vowed solemnly, tears shimmering in his intense blue eyes.
"By the power invested in me by the internet ministry registration, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may kiss . . . each other." Viggo grabbed Orli and stuck his tongue down his new husband's throat. Everyone said 'aww'. Horatio and Aloysius gurgled approvingly. All was right with the world.
*****
ONE MONTH LATER
"Orli, what are you doing?" Viggo asked his husband as he found him poring over a book.
"I managed to get a hold of that book of spells that Dom and Elijah used to get me pregnant."
"Don't tell me you're thinking of using it," Viggo laughed.
"I sure as hell am! Serves the little buggers right for giving me a uterus."
"But the uterus is gone, and we got two beautiful babies out of it. Why would you want revenge?"
"It's the *principle*, Viggo," Orli explained. "Are you going to help me or not?"
"I might as well. Which one are you thinking of casting?"
"This one. Look."
Viggo looked at the book and promptly burst out laughing. "Sounds good."
"Doesn't it?"
"Those hobbits will be in for a surprise when they wake up tomorrow to find that they've been turned into llamas!"
Viggo and Orli cast the spell on their mischievous friends, said goodnight
to Henry, kissed their babies and put them to bed, and then shagged until
the sun came up. And, of course, they lived happily ever after.
THE END
