Orli sat down on Viggo's couch and began to cry again. He still couldn't believe that he was pregnant -- it was like something out of a bad fanfic story. A thousand questions were swirling around in his head. Would this be the end of his career? Would his family and friends shun him? Would the tattoo on his stomach be stretched beyond repair?
Viggo wasn't faring much better. He was torn between complete bewilderment at having gotten one of his best friends pregnant -- a *male* friend at that -- and utter joy at the prospect of having two more children to love and cuddle. Fatherhood was the best part of his life, but adding children to his family in a manner like *this* was beyond confusing.
"Please say something," Orli sniffled as he looked at Viggo. "Are you mad at me?"
"Mad? No." Viggo sat down next to his friend and put a comforting arm around him. "But how the hell did this happen? I mean, you're a *man*. That was made abundantly clear to me on that fateful night. Has your penis fallen off or something?"
"Fuck no!" Orli yelped. "I'm still as butch as ever."
"Butch?" Viggo asked with a grin.
"Oh, sod off. What I mean is that everything is still intact down there. But I've somehow managed to spontaneously generate a uterus, and there are two babies currently growing inside of me."
"How are you going to give birth?"
"C-section. And before you even ask, I'm not breast-feeding the little buggers."
"Don't call our babies little buggers," Viggo ordered sternly. "They're precious bundles of joy."
"That's easy for *you* to say," Orli said, getting angry again. "*You're* not the one who's a freak of nature. For God's sake, I'm pregnant and it's all your fault! If it weren't for you and your evil sperm, I wouldn't be in this situation! I hate you *and* your sperm!"
"Don't insult my sperm! And if I remember correctly, *you* were the one who started this by coming to my house and jumping me," Viggo reminded him.
"I know." Orli shook his head, anger being replaced by despair. "I just don't know what to do, Viggo."
"Well for starters, you're moving in with me."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to take care of you. I've been through this before, and I want to make sure that you're healthy and happy. Plus, I don't want you to think that you're alone. We're in this together, Orli."
"So you're not going to abandon me?" Orli asked tearfully, putting his head on Viggo's shoulder.
"Of course not! I may be a bit shocked, but I'm also thrilled. You know how much I love being a dad -- it's the best part of my life."
As if on cue, Henry came into the living room and cleared his throat. "Can I ask what's going on? I can hear Orli yelling and crying all the way down the hall."
Viggo took a deep breath. "Sit down, Henry. We have something to tell you." He looked nervously at Orli, who was looking intently at the floor. "Okay, well this is an incredibly bizarre thing, but you should know that Orli's pregnant. I'm the father."
"Well, we're both the fathers," Orli corrected.
Henry shrugged. "Okay."
"What do you mean 'okay'?" Viggo asked.
"Look Dad, no offense or anything but you're pretty strange. I've learned not to be fazed by any of the weird stuff that you do. And Orli's cool, so it's not that big a deal. So can I go back to my room now?"
"Um, sure." Viggo watched as his son left the room and then looked at Orli. "That was easy."
"Yeah. Now all we have to do is tell everyone else."
*****
Five days later, Viggo and Orli had managed to gather the entire Fellowship, along with Pete, Fran, Atti, and Sonia and Samantha Bloom. The huge group was crowded into the living room of the house that the two men now shared, wondering what on earth was going on. Finally, Viggo managed to get everyone's attention.
"Okay, so I'm sure you're all wondering why we both asked you to be here today." Fourteen heads nodded. "For the last several weeks, Orli hasn't been feeling very well, and he went to the doctor's office to find out what the problem was."
"Are you sick, OB?" Atti asked worriedly.
"No, I'm not sick," Orli assured him.
"Then what's going on?" Billy questioned.
Orli sighed. "I'm pregnant."
There was silence for a moment, then Ian started snickering and Sean Bean joined in; soon enough, almost everyone was laughing. Viggo glared at them. "It's *not* a joke. Look at this." He pulled up the oversized tee-shirt that Orli was wearing to reveal the beginnings of a pregnant belly. Everyone gasped.
"Are you serious?" Fran asked. "How is this possible?"
"The doctors have no clue how or why, but I've grown a uterus," Orli explained. "I didn't know that, and a few months ago, well, Viggo and I slept together, so . . ."
Sean Astin's eyes widened. "Viggo's the father?"
"Yes."
Suddenly, Samantha leapt out of her chair and wrapped her hands around Viggo's neck. "You got my baby brother pregnant! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Sam, stop!" Orli shouted, dragging her away from a very shocked Viggo. "Killing Viggo won't help anything!"
"I had no way of knowing this could happen," Viggo tried to explain.
"I hope you're taking responsibility for your actions, Mr. Mortensen," Sam snarled.
"He is," Orli said in an attempt to placate his sister. "He's being wonderful about everything."
"I just can't believe this," Dom commented, shaking his head. "I can't believe that it worked."
Everybody in the room turned and looked at the hobbit curiously. "Can't believe that what worked?" Pete asked.
"Uh, nothing," Dom lied.
"Dominic Monaghan, what did you do?" Orli growled.
"It's Elijah's fault! Not mine!"
"No way!" Elijah cried.
"Hey, it was *your* book of spells," Dom reminded him.
"Book of spells? What spells?" Viggo demanded.
"I found a book of spells at the library and showed it to Dom," Elijah said. "We thought the male pregnancy spell would be good for a laugh so we cast it on Orli, but we didn't think it would actually work." He paused. "Please don't kill us."
"You bastards!" Orli screamed. "I'm going to kill both of you with my bare hands as soon as I . . . oh, shit," he moaned, dashing off to the bathroom. The sound of vomiting carried to the living room and everyone groaned.
"Lovely," Billy said dryly.
"Poor Orlando," Ian remarked.
"I'm okay," Orli croaked as he walked back to the couch on wobbly legs. "But maybe that peanut butter and applesauce sandwich wasn't the best choice for lunch." He looked at everyone nervously. "Will you guys support us? We know that this is a bizarre situation, even for us, but we need our friends and family right now."
"Of course we'll support you!" John exclaimed.
"I've been pregnant twice," Fran reminded them. "If you ever need anything or have any questions about what a pregnant woman . . . um, pregnant man might go through, call me."
"Thank you," Viggo said as he affectionately stroked Orli's hair.
"Mum?" Orli asked.
Sonia smiled. "Orlando, I couldn't be happier. The only thing I want in my life at this point is grandchildren, and it doesn't matter to me how they come into being."
"I'm happy for both of you," Elijah offered timidly, still afraid of Orli's wrath. "We already know that Viggo's a great dad, and I know that Orli will be, too."
"Hey, do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?" Sean Bean asked.
"We don't know," Viggo told him. "Maybe one of each."
"You're having *twins*?" Billy laughed. "This should be interesting."
"God, Orli's gonna be as big as a house," Dom chuckled.
"Fuck you, Monaghan," Orli hissed. "This is all your fault. Stupid hobbit."
"Prissy elf," Dom shot back.
"I'm not prissy!" Orli said, tears filling his eyes again. "Don't you know that it's not nice to make fun of a pregnant man?" He looked at Viggo for reassurance. "I'm not prissy, am I?"
"Not at all," Viggo lied.
"You know, I just realized I'm going to have to change your nickname, OB," Atti remarked.
"To what?" Orli sniffled.
"OB-GYN," he laughed.
"That's not funny!"
"At least he won't be able to fit into those awful shirts anymore," Sam giggled.
"Sam!" Orli yelped indignantly. "You're supposed to be on my side!"
"If I may," Billy said with a grin, "I'd like to present an impromptu revision of the Britney Spears song 'Oops! I Did It Again' in honor of our pregnant friend."
"Go ahead," John encouraged.
"Oops, he did it again
He slept with a man
And now he's knocked up -- he's got two babies
Oops, he did it with Vig
His belly is big
Because he is pregnant."
Everyone started cracking up and applauding; everyone, that is, except for the two fathers-to-be. Viggo glared at them all, and Orli started crying again.
"Stop making fun of me!" And with that, Orli ran out of the living room, bawling his eyes out.
"Jesus, you guys are insensitive," Viggo snapped at their friends. "Orli's going through a difficult period and he doesn't need this. Now stay here while I go deal with him."
As it turned out, Viggo didn't need to go anywhere because Orli came charging back into the room brandishing Anduril and making a noise that sounded like yodeling. "Dom and Elijah! Die, you tricksy hobbits!" he screamed.
Dom and Elijah promptly shrieked like little girls and started running in circles. A general panic ensued in which the two hobbits found themselves being chased by a pregnant, sword-wielding elf. It ended up with everyone in the backyard, Elijah climbing a tree and Dom jumping into the pool in an attempt to escape the madness of Orlando Bloom.
"Orli, stop!" Viggo cried. "This won't solve anything."
"Yeah, but it'll make me feel better. I'm gonna make hobbit-kebabs!"
"Um, Viggo?" Pete asked. "Why do you have Anduril? That belongs to the studio."
"That's beside the point," Viggo told him. "Help me stop Orli before our babies end up being born in jail."
Viggo, Pete, and Sean Bean finally wrestled the sword away from Orli, who promptly began crying *again*. Sonia Bloom ran over to her son and cradled him in her arms. "It's okay, pookie."
"Mum, don't call me pookie in front of all these people. They think I'm cool."
"We do?" Sean Astin asked. "I wasn't aware of that." Viggo elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
"Is it safe now?" Elijah called before scrambling down the tree.
"I'm sorry," Orli sniffled. "It's just that my moods are all over the place."
"You don't say," Dom said sarcastically as he stepped out of the pool.
"Listen, can I ask how you're certain that Viggo is the father?" John asked.
"Oh, that's easy," Orli told him. "He's the only man I've bottomed for in a long time. See, I usually don't bottom for anybody, but I had a craving for that a few months ago and I knew for sure that Viggo had a huge cock, so I came over here and we shagged."
"Orlando!" Viggo exclaimed, blushing furiously. "Your mother is sitting next to you!"
"Don't worry about it," Sonia laughed. "I'm just glad he's not sexually repressed."
"I have a question," Ian said to Orli. "Just out of curiosity, exactly how big *is* Viggo's, um, member?"
Before Orli could answer -- which he was planning on doing -- Viggo picked up Ian and threw the distinguished knight and Shakespearean actor into the pool. "Any more questions?" Viggo asked sharply.
"I have one," Atti volunteered.
"Do you want to end up in the pool?"
Orli stood up and glared at Viggo. "If you throw one more friend into the pool, I'll never let you fuck me again!"
"Stop swearing in front of the babies!" Viggo barked.
"I'm sorry," Orli sobbed, having yet another mood swing. "Please don't yell at me."
Viggo rubbed his temples, suddenly feeling nostalgic for the days of Exene seriously threatening to kill him while in labor. "I didn't mean to yell at you, Orli. I'm not mad at you."
"Hug?" Orli pleaded, opening his arms.
Everyone rolled their eyes as Viggo dutifully embraced Orli. "It's okay," Viggo said soothingly. "Everything will be okay."
Orli just closed his eyes and hoped that Viggo was right.
