"What's that, Elwood?" Dom asked as he sat down next to Elijah.
"It's this book of spells that I found at the library."
"Spells? Like magic spells?"
"Yes, Dominic, like magic spells," Elijah said patiently, as if he was explaining this to a child.
"So what kind of spells does it have?"
"How to make someone fall in love with you, how to turn lead into gold, and so on."
"Do you think any of these would actually work?"
"I don't know. It'd be fun to try one."
"Let me see the book." Dom flipped through the pages and then started to laugh. "Here's a good one: how to make a man pregnant."
"You're shitting me!" Elijah exclaimed. "They seriously have that?"
"Yeah, look." Dom pointed at the page. "It says that all you have to do is chant this incantation twenty-seven times, each time saying the person's name, and then drizzle raspberry vinaigrette over an endive salad. The spell must be cast on a man who has same-sex intercourse, because sperm is needed to fertilize the egg that will be housed in a spontaneously generated uterus."
"Hmm. Who do you think we should cast this on?"
"Well, we have a few possibilities," Dom mused. "I mean, theoretically we could cast it on anyone we know for a fact is gay. So, for instance, Elton John would be fair game. But I think we should test this on a Fellowship member."
They looked at each other for a second before saying simultaneously, "Orli."
*****
Orli was horny. Extremely horny, and he had been all day. He had jacked off numerous times, but none of his horniness had abated. At this point, he knew what he really needed was a big cock inside of him. And having seen Viggo naked in the trailer, he knew that only the ruggedly handsome poet was endowed enough to quench his thirst for a good fucking.
Secretly, he had been lusting after Viggo for three years, and perhaps there was something more than lust in what he felt for the older man, but right now lust was all that mattered. He pounded on Viggo's front door, hopping from one foot to the other in an effort to ignore the steady throbbing of his cock.
The door opened and Viggo looked at him with a mixture of confusion and lust. "Orlando," he said in a voice shaking with desire. "What are you doing here?"
"Um, are you here alone?"
"Yes."
"Good." And with that, Orli jumped Viggo. They rolled around on the living room floor, tearing at clothes until they were both completely naked. Viggo gasped as Orli slid down to begin sucking his cock. His head fell back against the rug with a soft thud while Orli's mouth worked magic on his straining manhood. If this was a dream, Viggo never wanted to wake up.
Orli suddenly pulled away and reached for his jeans, grabbing a tube of lubrication from the back pocket. Viggo moaned as lube was spread over his cock, realizing that he was finally going to bury his cock in that tight British ass.
"I won't be gentle," he warned as Orli positioned himself on his back and spread his legs.
"I don't want you to be," Orli breathed. "I want to be fucked like you're a jackhammer and I'm concrete."
Spurred on by that lusty declaration, Viggo slammed into Orli's incomparable body time after time, waves of ecstasy crashing over them as they approached sexual nirvana. They cried each other's names, then kissed passionately as climax surged through their bodies like an electrical storm. They came in tandem, and then lay there for hours trying to recover their senses.
It had been the perfect, no-consequences one-night stand. Or so they thought.
*****
"Oh, not again," Orli moaned as he dashed from his bed to the bathroom. He knelt by the toilet and vomited for the third morning in a row. In fact, for the past four weeks, this had been happening almost every morning. Orli realized that he should probably see a doctor, but he kept procrastinating.
Later that day, as he enjoyed lunch with the Astins, he wrinkled his nose at the pasta that was placed in front of him at the cafe. "Why did I order this?" he asked, looking slightly green.
"You love pasta, Orli," Sean reminded him.
"Yeah, but I don't want it. I could really go for some pretzels with barbecue sauce," he said.
Sean and Christine exchanged worried glances. "Pretzels with barbecue sauce?" Christine asked. "I'm not sure that I've ever heard of that combination before."
"Something like that. Maybe rice cakes with dijon mustard, or tofu with marmalade."
Now Sean and Christine were the ones who looked green. "Orli, are you alright?" Sean asked concernedly. "You seem a bit off today."
"I've been feeling strange lately," Orli admitted. "It seems like every morning begins with me throwing up. For some reason, my stomach is starting to swell, not to mention that I have the strangest food cravings. Yesterday, I ate jelly bean risotto. I made it myself," he said proudly.
"Maybe you should go to a doctor," Sean advised.
"Yeah, I'll make an appointment. In the meantime, I wonder if I could get some stir-fried watermelon."
*****
Well, your blood tests are normal, your CAT scan is normal, and your EKG is normal," the doctor told Orli. "However, the ultra-sound that we performed to discover the source of your stomach ailment revealed something strange."
"What is it?" Orli asked nervously.
"To be honest, at first I didn't believe what I saw. So I consulted eight experts, all of whom are here now. Say hi to them."
"Hi," Orli said dutifully. "Now tell me what's wrong with me. Give it to me straight."
"Well Mr. Bloom, you're pregnant."
There was a long silence. "Pregnant?" Orli finally asked disbelievingly. "How . . . how is that *possible*? I don't have the proper equipment!"
"From what we can discern, you've spontaneously generated a uterus and the babies are gestating there."
"Babies? As in multiple?" Orli was practically squeaking at this point.
"Yes, you're having twins. Congratulations!" The doctor handed Orli a picture from the ultra-sound that indeed showed two fetuses inside of his brand-new uterus. "By the way, you're due in early July."
"But how am I going to give birth?"
"We'll have to perform a Caesarian section, but it shouldn't be a problem."
"Shouldn't be a problem?!" Orli shouted. "It's a big problem! I'm preggers, for fuck's sake!" He stood up and stormed out of the office.
"Wait, where are you going?" one of the eight specialists asked.
"To kill the man who got me knocked up!" Orli yelled.
*****
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon at the Mortensen household, and Viggo was enjoying a friendly game of tig with Henry. Suddenly, they heard an insistent pounding on the front door.
"Viggo, you no-good son of a bitch! Let me in!"
Henry looked warily at his father. "I think I'll be going to my room now."
"Good idea." Viggo patted his son on the head and then opened the door. "What's the matter, Orli?" he asked when he saw the furious expression on the other man's face.
"I'm fucking pregnant!"
Viggo did the only thing that seemed to make sense -- he started laughing. Unfortunately, this only stoked Orli's rage. "Is this some hobbit-elf prank?"
"It is *no* prank, Viggo Mortensen. I'm pregnant, and I have the ultra-sound and morning sickness to prove it."
"You have an ultra-sound?"
"Look at this," Orli said, thrusting a picture from the ultra-sound into Viggo's hands. "Twins, Viggo! You got me pregnant with twins!"
"Wait, are you telling me that *I'm* the father?" Viggo yelped.
"Well, in a way we both are, but it was your sperm! And you're the only man I've bottomed for in over a year, so don't ask for a paternity test. *You're* the father, you bloody prick!"
"How was I supposed to know you could get pregnant?!"
Orli thought for a moment. "Okay, valid point. But I'm due in six months, and I'm so angry at you that I could . . ." His voice trailed off and all of a sudden, tears shimmered in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm being a bastard," he sobbed, throwing his arms around Viggo. "This is all very confusing."
"That's an understatement," Viggo muttered.
"You're mocking me!" Orli gasped, his rage returning in a flash. "You . . . you cad! Oh God, Viggo, what's happening to me?"
"You're having a mood swing, Orli. It's to be expected. I've been through this before when Exene was pregnant with Henry."
"I just don't know what to do! What do I tell my family? What happens to my career? What if I never get my perfect body back?"
"Oh Orli, we'll work it out somehow," Viggo assured him.
"I'm sure we will," Orli sniffled as the tears started again. "But in the meantime, can I have some caramel-covered grapes?"
Viggo felt a sudden queasiness in his stomach. It was going to
be a long six months.
