A Tunnels and Trolls® play-by-post adventure run by khara_khang
This is inspector Gruben, posting on Mr. Beezer1st's computer to infiltrate the infamous Blue Frog Tavern. On Sept. 10th at about midnight, a shot rang out in the chicken coop! Upon investigation, it was noted that the rubber chicken Beezer was missing. No fingerprints, blood, or DNA (or actually any real evidence!) were found at the scene. However, we did locate an empty 6-pack of Hooper's Hooch, a bucketful of KFC chicken bones, and a copy of Monsters! Monsters!, torn in half. We have several shady (Ken St Andre, Desuma) suspects (Hobbit King, Lamia) that we want to locate (Jackspencer, Jaxdracon) and torture (Kazashima, Khara Khang)...er...interrogate (Shindorim7, Tarandracon). All suspects should report in with their alibi (Heinomynous, hobilbo) of where they were last night!!
Unwillingly, with my feet sliding, I am brought in and placed in a chair in front of Inspector Gruben, the bullseye lantern shinning on me. Smiling I uncross my legs, but wait... that won't work, I have pants on. Internally slapping myself, I must remember not to do what Desuma would do in this situation. Besides I doubt Inspector Gruben even likes male Hobbits.
"Where were you on Sept. 10th at about midnight?"
"I was at the Blue Frog Tavern, reading my newly acquired copy of Monsters! Monsters! I was angry though, because Mr. St. Andre had signed it, thus lowering its potential resale value. When I passed out, I awoke with dirty hands and my copy of Monsters! Monsters! was missing. I of course blame Jack the Bartender. Just because I owe him a huge amount of money he thinks he can just take my stuff willy-nilly, and I know for a fact he likes to have two copies of stuff."
"Wait, so this is not about the bank loan? Whew!"
"No, this is about the disappearance and possible murder of one Mr. Beezer. When was the last time you saw him?"
I laugh first, then laugh some more, and then I think back to Post 375. "I don't remember," I respond, telling my 18th lie of the day. Sweat beads up on my forehead. "I request a jewish Hobbit lawyer, one wearing a retainer if possible!"
"No! Take him to a cell, we'll question him again later.
I am taken away. "You can't do this to me! I have rights!" I try to resist, at least enough for a possible Emmy nomination for my acting skills.
In the wee hours of the morning at the Blue Frog Tavern, around 10 or 11 AM, the barkeep is asleep as respectable people should be at that hour.
Suddenly there's a knock at the door. The barkeep ignores it. Most likely Shipy wants the key to the liquor cabinent. "Shag off! It's too early for the good stuff." The barkeep rolls over and puts the pillow over his head. He suddenly wishes it was Thursday. On Thursdays he usually gets lucky and then he could sent the woman out to shut him up.
The knocking continues, urgently. With monumental effort the barkeep manages to sit up. "What?!"
"Mr Barkeep, it is Inspector Gruben. I need to have a word with you."
Not the Hobbit, then. Must be his frat brothers. God he hates those guys. Taught him to never get THAT drunk ever again.
The barkeep stumbles to the door, muttering unintelligibly. He opens the door and lets loose with Mighty Steve's Explosive Spray of Shaving Creme. The barkeep slams the door and stumbles back to bed.
The knocking continues with renewed urgency.
A messenger from the Dracon Clan Compound comes barging through the doors, clomps straight over to the Inspector, and hands him a note. As soon as he delivers the message, he looks around the bar, finds Lamia, gives her some elevator eyes, shakes his head, snortles, and stomps right back out.
The note reads: "Jax and Taran are out of town. The Wizard Grutoss can vouch for them. And by the way, my elder son does NOT wear bell-bottoms. At least not any more," and is signed "Oother Pe'ng Dracon."
Being back in town, I wanted to play a trick on my favorite little hobby. Turning invis, I go to the bar (where he alwaz can be found) and find him being lead away to Inspector Gruben's office. After following them, I flying inside the office unnoticed and unheard, I try not to laugh outloud as Hobby, yet again, tries to lie his way outta a mess.
Still trying not to laugh out loud at Hobby's bad actind skills (sorree, no emmy nomination for you this time Hobby, try again later), I follow the gaurds dragging hobby behind them and wait til they toss him into a cell like a sack of flour.
Easily fitting between the bars, I flitter in and burst out laughing at the scene laid before me. On the ground, Hobby is sprawled out over the moldy straw and dirt incrusted floor. A cockroach scuddles across the opposite end of the cell just below the chains which are hanging from the wall.
"What? <cough, splutter, spit> Who's there? Damn!!!!"
<holding my sides while laughing as only a sprite can> Heheh... Boy, look at the mess you're in! Can't go anywhere without me watching over and taking care of you, can you?" I splutter out between giggle fits. Flying over to hobby (before he gathers his wits and makes a smartass comment to me), I give him a kiss on the cheek and turn invis.
You look up as a faint jingling noise is heard and a ring with jailer keys hovers in the air before you.
"I believe it's time to check out of the four-star bed & breakfast Hobby. Please, just don't get yourself truned into a hobbit-roast on the way out!"
"Thanks Lilac!" I say, wondering if there is now bright red lipstick on my cheek. I smile, knowing I still have the old Hobbit charm few can resist. "I didn't really have time to get you anything, Lilac, with me being in here on vacation and all." I catch the cockroach as it scuttles past and offer it to Lilac a la natural.
"No time to eat now hobby!" she chirps, slapping the cockroach out of my hand.
Using the stolen keys, I make good my escape from jail as any good Hobbit would. "I don't know how you did that Lilac, but I do owe you one. I suppose this means you want your gold back I hid... right?"
"You know it's hard to see you nod when you are invisible.... Lilac.. Lilac, you there?" I head down the street wondering why people are looking at me strange just because I seem to be talking to myself and looking up in the air.
Who wants an Emmy anyway. They only give those to short fat bald humans anyway!
Old, yet still able to get around, I enter the interrogation room and sit down, surrounded by three different Jewish Hobbit lawyers, all of which are proudly wearing retainers.
"Where were you on Sept 10th at about midnight?"
"Our clientth doesth not haveth to answerth that!"
"I was at home writing an episode of 'Lizardman In Red Water Baywatch' where the characters run through the swamp naked. Lamia was there demonstrating it for me. Shortly after that I seem to remember fainting. Maybe it was after she took off her clothes. She is young and lithesome, and I do have a weak ticker. I woke up the next morning and she was gone."
"Hmmmmm!"
"Our clientth doesth not haveth to answerth that!"
"This is about the disappearance and possible murder of one Mr. Beezer. When was the last time you saw him?"
"About a month ago. He refuses to work for me on 'Lizardman In Red Water Baywatch,' and he keeps saying something about being paid in chicken feed. I, of course, refused. Chicken feed is outrageous these days!"
"You can go, but don't leave town!"
"Our clientth doesth not haveth to answerth that!"
"He said we could go." Standing slowly, I head back home thinking of this great new idea where a small group of people enter a temple and get captured and tortured to death one by one for no really any good reason except for dramatic effect and GM enjoyment.
"Justh covering yourth bigjackbrassth, Mr. Khang."
Inspector's log, stardate 9-12-00, Inspector Gruben reporting. Lies! Lies! Lies! They must be, as no one has confessed yet!! After handing the murder weapon to several suspects, we found their finger prints on it, and then it disapeared! What? That wasn't the murder weapon? That was the sub I ate for lunch? Well, anyway, the smelly hobbit was the first to jump on the defensive, so he must be guilty! But then several other suspects havn't even attempted to clear themselves, so they obviously must be guilty! Then again, that Bigjackbrass guy isn't around to defend himself, so we could blame the whole thing on him and go home! Hmm.... Maybe the whole crew is involved, maybe their all guilty!
Shhh...I'm sorry I have to whisper, but Inspector Gruben would be VERY mad at me if he heard me talking to you guys. I just wanted to let you know that I am very upset about the disappearance of Beezer. With that said, I have a copy of M!M! for sale, each page has been taped together with scotch tape but... OUCH... PKT... OOF... SMAK... AAARR... HELP! HE'S CRAZY!!AAAAH!!
Please disregard this message.
Jack [in another timeline! --ed.] pours himself another, gives Gruben the once over, and chuckles in that "curses foiled again-oh the irony of it all" kind of way.
"Ok Gruben, the KFC bones were mine but the M!M! stuff? Hell, that crap is for geeks living in their parents basements with stacks of pornography and a hard-on against society. There was another. I was just a pawn." He lights a cigarette and looks out through the venetian blinds to the rainy street below, expectantly, waiting for someone....
i enter the interrogation room and sit down.
"Where were you on Sept. 10th at about midnight?"
"i was with Khara Khang reenacting a dance ritual."
"Were you dancing naked?"
"Is that relevant to this case?"
"Not really, but it seemed like a good question!"
"This is about the disappearance and possible murder of one Mr. Beezer. When was the last time you saw him?"
"It's been about a week. He showed up at the Blue Frog as did some of his multicolored friends. He was trying to sell some fowl dramatic thing. i told him it was pretty lame. i heard he won the fabled gem of Fred in a drinking contest, wrote the 76th edition of T&T and has since retired fat and alone in a dark dungeon somewhere, but it may have been a rumor, u never know, sir. Hobbits tell many wild stories."
"Is it true the elder son Jax Dracon wears bell-bottoms?"
"Yes he does, but always sends his MOTHER around to refute those claims. At least that's what his brother Taran told me by Ballyhoo Messenger."
"You can go, but don't leave town!"
I head back to the Blue Frog Tavern.
Inspector Gruben here. Hmm, seems mighty suspicious that DESUMA was last seen asking for a secret meeting with Beezer, and has since visited the site AND refused to offer an alibi! Not only that, but the Troll God himself has locked himself away in his dark castle, and refused to come forward! Maybe this investigation should take a new turn....GUILTY GUILTY!!! CALL THE CITY GUARD (oh wait, that's me!)
Into the interrogation room walks a man. He stands at least 6'5", with shoulder length black hair and piercing blue eyes. He wears a trenchcoat and a black fedora. Underneath the coat his muscular body is only covered by a loincloth. Slung over his back is a pearl handled two-handed sword. When he speaks, his voice is reminiscent of Humphrey Bogart. "I'm looking for Inspector Gruben."
"That's me---and you are....?"
"The name's Beowulf. Sam Beowulf. Here's my card." He hands Gruben a business card.
"Lessee, says here, 'Sam Beowulf. Dragonslayer. Epic Hero. Private Eye.' Got a nice ring to it. So what can I do for you, Mr. Beowulf?"
"I represent Ms. Malevois---you might know her as Desuma. She's currently bouncing back and forth in time, so she asked me to look after her interests in the matter."
"I see, or maybe I don't. How did she contact you?"
"By a registered letter posted six months ago."
"Hmmm. OK, then let me ask this: where was she on September 10th around midnight."
"Haven't you been listening, flatfoot? Ms. Malevois is bouncing around in the time stream---she doesn't know yet where she was on September 10th at midnight. For all she knows, she really DID do him in. I can tell you one thing, though; Ms. Malevois has authorised me to stick around here and assist with the investigation so she can clear her name. She doesn't believe it's something she would do. So whaddaya ya say, copper?"
Just to avoid any accusations of plagiarism, Sam Beowulf is not my creation. He originally appeared about 20 years ago in a short story in Spacegamer magazine---something about the Beowulf saga told as a hard-boiled detective story---and, as I have always liked that half-remembered story, I decided to bring him out of retirement here. If anyone here wants to know the author or the title of the original story, I suppose I can dig it out of the back of my closet, but I'll have Desuma deliver it to you sans mask. Heheh.
Inspector Gruben eyes up the husky yoot (thats peche for "youth" for da uncultured!). At that moment he pops up in the air a few inches, and a muffled sound comes from the crate he's sitting on. "Sure, son, I never had an ass-sistant before, but what the heck!" another bounce and noise. "you look pretty heavy, you can start by sitting on this here crate! This Beezer1st guy keeps sneeking out and posting on MY new computer! Since your boss seems to be innocent (I'll ask her yesterday), the main suspect seems to be...."
"The Troll God!" pipes in Beowulf.
Inspector Gruben looks annoyed at him. "I knew what to say, I was just pausing for dramatic effect!!"
"MMMMFFFMMF!"
"SHUT UP IN THERE!!" (sound effects: KICK KICK!) "don't make me get the ductape!!"
The mist creaps over the landscape. The sign over the Blue Frog Tavern sways in the wind as two dark figures approach the tavern. They are Inspector Gruben and his lacky Sam! They burst in on the tavern and the room goes silent.
"YOU!", he says pointing accross the tavern at the Troll God. "You're under arrest for the cruel murder of Beezer!!"
"Yeah!"
"Uh... B-but you can't arrest me.... I'm a G-God, the Troll God!"
"Save it for the execution!!" Holding up his palm, the inspector shows the Death head tatoo.
The room goes silent, as Ken's friends slowly move away from him. SUDDENLY the doors burst open, and there in the glow of the room stands...BEEZER!!
"But you're dead!!"
"What?! I go off to the twin cities to play some T&T in the sewers, and everyone assumes I'm dead?"
"Enough! You're all under arrest!"
"Hey! that looks like a mask he's wearing!"
Misfitsprite swoops from the ceiling and rips of the mask, and there in the BFT stands....
"GARY GYGAX!!!"
"It was all just a trick to discredit Ken St. Andre!"
"And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling boozers!!"
"GET HIM!!"
As Gary Gygax runs for the hills, he can be heard screaming, "My game's still better! (or is it really Dave's game?)"
An elderly Orc female, attractive by Orcish standards (translation: butt-ugly), kicks open the swinging Tavern doors, and stomps her foot in disgust at finding the place empty, save for Jack the Barkeep.
"Frak™!"
"Gary went that way."
"No, hu-mann. I'm looking to pinch a Lamia's cutesy little ear. Heard she was spreading rumours about my elder son in his absence!"
"Right! Jax wears bell bottoms!"
"Yes, that's the one. Ahh, young'uns these days... so cruel to each other! Well, missy won't be as lucky next time!"
That said, the Dracon matriarch spins on her toe and heel, kicking up small dust vortices in her wake. As she exits the bar, she mutters, "Poor Jax!"
"Poor Jax!"
A brilliant finish to the "Beezer is dead" saga. Hey, Jim (Shipman). You claim to be friends with the great EGG. Want to share this one with him? HAR! (Trollish laughter)
Gack! I can't believe someone burst in and caught me lurking in the Blue Frog! Gotta change my disguise.
I did so inform his greatness (i.e., E. Gary Gygax) and I do have his response and I will quote him exactly. This was given after he quit laughing, of course.
QUOTE FROM EGG: "Nuts"
I could be wrong, but I believe one of the commandments I, Moses Gygax, delivered unto the faithful upon my return from the mount (where I discreetly buried Dave Arneson and Ken St. Andre) was: There are no "winners" in fantasy role playing, just a handful of old T&Ters.
This saying most conveniently came from the T&T enthusiast and distinguished John Harrington.
After a long chase, the BFT crew catch up with Gary. With murder in their eyes, they prepare the wet noodles. Then, casting his devilish spell he says, "I'll buy drinks!" With that they let him come back to the bar where he takes a seat with the Troll God. After a while, pen and paper come out and feverish writing begins....
"What the heck are they working on?"
"I don't know, but it could be big!"
"Wait, now they're arguing."
"Now they're throwing dice at each other!"
Fade out.... Cut to theme music....
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