A Tunnels and Trolls® play-by-post adventure run by khara_khang
Shipy the Hobbit, also known as Shipy the Cunning, takes the stage for his first stand-up comedy routine.
"Okay people, settle down! Put a cork in it! Lamia couldn't make it tonight, so the naked table dancing is off. I bet Mr. Wildblade is gonna be pissed! And if Lamia knew I said that, she would go all Kopfy about my head and shoulders. Jack-the-bartender, send more drinks over to the two fine ladies at my table." I point to Jax and Taran sitting alone at my table and smile. "They're not much to look at but their damn good in a fight!" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"This one Orc brother said to me, 'Shipy, you should become a ventriloquist. I said no way Will I! What do I look like, a dummy?" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"Sit down, Mr. BigJackBrass, yer cuttin' into my airtime. What do you think you are, a starving artist?" <heh, heh>
"We would have served chicken tonight, but Mr. Beezer decided to join us. Stir fried anytime I say!" I walk back and forth on the stage.
"I just don't get any respect these days.... Why, just the other day, I was sitting on my donkey like a good 'Token Hobbit' when this lanky Elf named Bela (a Tolkien wannabe) walks up to me and kicks my donkey and says, 'Ha, I just kicked your ass!'" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"Not to change the subject, but have you people witnessed this new D&D phenomenon? I mean really! People are falling all over themselves, drooling in some crazed Spencer-like manner to fondle these two! It's like what... 10 million served already?" <Avoids a thrown tomato from the crowd> "We are talking about the same D&D right---Domina and Desuma!" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the Hobbit barman, 'Have you seen my brother?' The Hobbit barman asks, 'What does he look like?'" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"As for Jack De Tampon.... What a name I tell ya! Put something over those boney hips, pleaszzz! How much hip bone can one person take!" <Ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
"And what's up with that Troll God in the corner? You'd think after the fifth printing/cloning he'd be over himself by now! Like buffalo's will fly before we ever see a 6th printing!" <ba-ta-bing ba-ta-boom>
Sadly, Shipy the Cunning's stand-up comedy career ends here as the crowd rushes the stage like a wee_allie rock-throwing leprechaun (at the gladiator death motion from the Troll God to end it). The rest of this story has been heavily edited due to poor ratings. You didn't really hear Shipy screaming like a school girl, it was just the theme music! Brought to you by HBO (Hobbit Hole Original).
The End.
Being a small and nimble target, Shipy avoids most of the debris thrown at him, especially the items with sharp edges and handles, but he takes one smear from a ripe red fruit on his backside just before slipping into the back room. He just manages to slide the bolt shut when someone slams into the door. By the time he reaches the alley door, the bolt on the inner door is about to give way. "Hell's bells," he thinks, "the barkeep is sure to put that one on my tab."
Passing through the exit, he bolts at full speed. Or at least he tries. He finds himself being picked up by the collar, legs windmilling in the air. The door slams shut behind him accompanied by a green flash, and he stares up at his captor---a tall elf in a green cloak. "Oh, hi, Bela," he oils out.
"I've been expecting you, comic wannabe. That door will hold, but it won't take long for them to come around the other way." Bela swings Shipy around to his back and speeds away, his long legs covering much more ground than the Hobbit could have.
He keeps running, Hobbit clinging to his back (and protesting all the way), even after the noise of the rioters dies down. "I think you can put me down, now," Shipy says, but Bela keeps running until, a couple of turns later, he steps through an open door. "Here he is, Domina, and in one piece, too," Bela says as he puts down his passenger, "Better shut that door."
What does Domina have in store for our cunning comic? Is Desuma in on it, and why weren't those two at the Blue Frog for Shipy's performance? What kind of a wizard would ever be caught in public running? Tune in next time to find out. Same Troll time, same Troll channel.
"Not the face Domina! Please not the face!" I cover my face as only a Hobbit can. "I take back all the nasty things I said about the Troll God! I really do! Even the dirty underhanded vile low-down rotten stuff he didn't hear!"
"Oh pleazzzzze don't kill me!" Fake tears flow freely as I try for an Academy Award-winning performance.
The door shuts without Domina's help to reveal Desuma standing behind it. As his feet hit the ground, he seeks a pair of legs to hide behind, then thinks better of it and looks for some furniture for cover. They are standing in the kitchen of a simple flat, having come in through the back door. It's small and plain, but obviously a nice place---the faucet in the sink indicates indoor plumbing. Shipy quickly ducks into the pantry closet.
"Get out of there, you thief," Desuma shrieks, "and don't you dare touch that pie!"
Shipy removes his thumb from the pie, then peaks out with a quick, "No!" and then ducks back in, licking his thumb.
"Domina, get him out of there before he eats our dessert," Desuma says.
"All right. Shipy, I have something for you. Come on out, sweetie," says Domina in her best seductive voice.
Shipy peeks out to see Domina towering above, legs going on forever, and a single finger beckoning him. "You... ah... y... you want me?" he quivers. Domina puts her hand up to her cleavage and inserts two fingers. When she pulls out a small black bag, Shipy hits the floor with a thud.
Bending down and looking into his pale face and glazed eyes, Domina says, "Wow, I'm good."
"Now, don't go getting too swelled up, there, big D," Desuma says. "He heard those coins in that bag. Poor Shipy, what a day this must have been for him. Bela, how did his performance go?"
"Not so good, but it could have been worse. Desuma, I think he needs that pie," says Bela as he puts up his cloak and satchel.
Before long, the four of them are sitting around the table in the kitchen under the lamplight. Shipy is enjoying his dessert but keeps his eye on the coin purse in the center of the table. "So, mmm, this is cherry? I didn't know you could bake, Desuma.... So, is that really for me, and how much is it?"
"I'm glad you like it, Shipy. It was for our dessert, tomorrow. The others will join us and we will distribute the rest of the booty, then, after a celebratory dinner to give thanks---you know---for the success of our mission and our returning alive. Domina wanted to give you your share from the diamond sale tonight. Go ahead, open it."
Reaching for the purse (as only a Hobbit can do), Shipy quickly counts and then recounts the money, then looks up at the others in confusion. "Bela told me what you did for him in the battle," Domina explains. "Those fifty dragons are yours. Bela gave you his share---he says he doesn't need it, I'm giving you my extra share, and Desuma is paying for the party, tomorrow."
For the first time in a long while, Shipy cries real tears. "You like me! You really do like me!"
Meanwhile, at the Blue Frog Tavern, the barkeep is trying to assess the damage (holding Shipy's tab in hand), when he hears someone coming through the door sounding like a pirate with three wooden legs. He turns to greet his new customer, saying, "Welcome to the Blue...oh no, forget it, the bar's closed for repairs."
Is this really a happy ending? Will Bela bore the dinner party to sleep? Will Shipy's booty cover his new tab? Will he find a lawyer to pin it on the Troll God? What kind of visitor would get refused service at the BFT? Tune in next time to find out, same Troll time, same Troll channel.
"Hey, Bela, open up!" Jax pounds on the back door to some modest flat in a back alley near the Blue Frog. The elusive elf, though leaving no footprints, could not cloak his scent and heat trail as he ran off with Shipy in tow. The Dracon brothers' HotVision™ to the rescue!
"Yeah, we know you and Shipy are in there! And I smell cherry pie! You better be saving me a bite!" his last sentence is frantic with mock-worry.
Jax looks about in the small yard as Taran starts pounding on the door. It is scattered with all sorts of granite lawn ornaments, carved, it would seem, in excruciating detail. In fact, the statues' expressions are excruciating. He has a thought....
"Thanks Bela, you're almost the_best! I never thought I would say this, but I like you, tall elf!" I look at the fifty dragons, and then quickly hide them in my groin area. "Do me a favor... don't tell Jax. Because I have this business in the works where me and Lilac are going to market sun-dried lizards, and Jax and Taran are putting up the money. Well, they don't know it yet, but they are. What? You're looking at me like I'm a lawyer or somethin'."
"Mmmm... great cherry pie!" I smile at Desuma as only a Hobbit can.
The Hobbit's thoughts have been edited from this post due to the fact that this post was created before 9:00 p.m. and a younger audience may be reading this....
I hear Jax and Taran pounding on the door outside. "You better let them in... they won't go away no matter how much we ignore them, you know! Wait, let me finish this pie first." I eat faster, much faster.
Cities smell rank and foul. Taverns are worse. The Blue Frog Tavern is unspeakably vile; I wouldn't even be here if I wasn't supposed to meet someone. Now the "entertainment" is starting.... Hobbit comedians.... If only someone had brought a long bow, then we could have some real entertainment.
The wild elf in the corner screws his face into a tighter grimace that reveals suspiciously pointed teeth, almost as if they've been filed. For a moment his tattooed hand toys with the poniard at his belt as if pondering cutting short the Hobbit's standup career. "Feh, waste of good bronze," he says and turns back to the remains of the meal in front of him.
Should have stayed home in the Dankwood like a proper elf, but no, someone had to see the world instead. Too many cities, with too many taverns, with too many bad comedians in them.
Bela opens the door, and the two Orc brothers pile in. "Hands off, Shipy," Taran bellows. Shipy jumps back from the table, carrying a slice of pie with him, and ducks behind Desuma. "Dibs!," the two brothers cry out as they scramble for the last slice.
As the two Orcs establish which is the dominant one, Desuma turns to Shipy, "One more 'cherry' remark out you, and I'll add you to my lawn ornament collection. Did you know they aren't really dead? You would have plenty of time to consider the error of your ways."
Shipy decides to hide behind Domina instead.
Once the two brothers settle their busines and are satisfied that Shipy is okay, Desuma sends them home, reminding them to bathe before coming back the next day. Bela insists Shipy not go back home, for his own safety, and Shipy gladly agrees to stay the night with D&D. One stern look from Desuma keeps him from saying anything lewd about it, at least not in her presence.
Meanwhile, back at the BFT...
Nothing happens. There is nobody there for the barkeep to have been talking to. He blinks, thinks to himself that it must have been his imagination, and walks up to the bookstand that is now placed in front of the doorway, with an opened book on it.
"Hey, I didn't order any registry!" he yells to anybody who cares to listen. "I'm not paying for this!" When nobody comes forth to explain, he approaches the new piece of furniture and looks at the opened book. It has one name printed on it, "Bela Oxmyx," accompanied by a drawing of the elf.
"No bloody stuck-up elf is going to sissy-up my place with no fancy-schmancy registry. You can have it back!" he shouts, then grabs for the book. Instead of tossing the book out the door, though, he falls on his face as the bookstand unexpectedly jumps back out of his reach. He runs to the back room when it starts walking toward him sounding every bit like a pirate with three peg legs.
The racket has awakened the dark elf who had fallen asleep in his chair waiting for something else exciting to happen. As he looks up, he sees a book moving toward him on a walking bookstand (dark cherry wood). The elf starts to get up, but just can't seem to get his legs to obey, so he sits helplessly as the book approaches. Soon, it is before him, showing him Bela's name and picture.
"Big deal, it's an elf. Why should I care?" he says. Then small print appears on the next page. In the low light, even his elven eyes cannot read it. As he sticks his face close up to better see the print, the book slams in his face. "Dannit, dhat hurt!" he hollers, with his hands covering his red nose. The book opens again, and now the picture of Bela is accompanied with a picture of gold coins. "All right, now this I understand. Maybe I have seen him, but I'm new here, so it may take a while to find him. How much is this going to net me?" But there is no indication of what the reward will be. He gets up to leave, and the book follows. He runs, walks, climbs, and the book still follows. Eventually, he goes to bed in his rented room with the book standing watch by the door.
Has Calenril_i gone insane? What does a book want with Bela? Since when does a book want anything? Does the wood elf have his own name, or should we just call him Blaen? Do Taran and Jax know how to use a fork? Will Shipy steal the silverware? Tune in next time, same Troll time, same Troll channel.
The book is offering gold---how much, it isn't saying, but I need gold, and preferably before I have to settle my bill. I think about the elf in the picture. Yeah maybe I've seen him somewhere before, but where? Was it on "Trollworld's Most Wanted" or was it on my Wheaties™ box at breakfast? Getting my nose slammed in the book didn't help my memory any.
I need to get one of those walking bookstands, though. Might help cut out some of those overdue fines at the Wizard's Guild library if the books could return themselves when I wanted to send them back, and not just dissappear <poof> in the middle of a spell.
That stand has legs, the sort that go all the way to the ground. I'll follow a good set of legs anywhere, so in the morning, I figure to see where the book wants to take me. I want answers: Who is the elf with the gold? What does the book want with me? What does the book want with him? Who shot Mr. Burns? And what about Wyoming?
Talking and thinking to myself, I have only one thing to say about spending the night with the D&D ladies. "Who's da man, oh yeah, who's da man?" This saying is quickly followed by a "get down" Hobbit dance.
Jax and Taran arrive at noon before a store front. The delicious smells they followed were so grand that they wonder if they are in the right place---they only saw Domina's and Desuma's new home at night and came in through the rear entrance. The new home is a row house made with a store in the front. The two brothers see Domina through the large window panes and so they let themselves in.
"You first, sweetie pie," Jax says to Taran, as the two of them knock on the door.
"Look who's talking, flower bed. You smell so sweet, I can't even recognize you," Taran says.
Domina opens the door and ushers the two in. Jax and Taran look about in wonder, as their fine senses are assaulted with the smells of roasted meats, sweet desserts, potatos, beans, greens, fruits, breads, and more. Before them, the shop has been cleared and a great table has been set with real plates and silverware. Domina shows them to their seats. "Those extra large plates are for your extra large appetites, and I expect you to fill them up. Desuma says you don't have to use the utensils, but you do have to use those," she says as she points to a finger bowl and hand towels. The two brothers snarl at the indignity, but submit to the lure of the banquet.
Everyone who made it through the adventure is there---Desuma, Domina, Shipy, Jack, Bela, Taran, and Jax. Desuma and a stranger in chef's garb load the table with food. When everybody is seated, Bela calls in the stranger and stands to speak. "Friends, we have thanks to give for this feast---to Desuma, for coming up with the idea and also paying for it, Domina for getting a good price on that diamond, and the genius of Desuma's hired chef, Ruth a'Guerré," he says, motioning to the cook.
The cook named Ruth is an amazingly beautiful human woman of about 25, with golden hair in a French bun under her hat. She bows, and men drop their jaws. Jack bends down to pick his jaw up off the floor, dusts it off, then puts it back in place. Ruth straightens and says, "It was a pleasure to help, but be sure to give Desuma some credit, too. Even I couldn't have done all this without her help. Now, I have an appointment to keep. I'll return to help clean up, later." At that, Ruth turns and heads back to the kitchen, removes her apron and hat, and heads out the back door.
After Ruth has left the room, Bela continues, "The empty seat is for Martek, but he declined the invitation. Domina got fair market value for the diamond, coming to 25 dragons apiece. Jax, Taran, and Jack, you'll find your shares under your seats." The three scramble to overturn their chairs and find nothing. In no time, Shipy is staring up at the point of Jack's sword. "Heh. It was just a joke. Really. You know I'd never really steal from my friends," he says as he hands over the three pouches.
The rest of the dinner is a party the group will talk about for a long time. Desuma has thought of everything. Jack is served a plate of delicious-looking food that seems just like everybody else's, except that it is slightly transparent and glows. As Jack eats, it vanishes, and he gives excessively dramatic praise to the cook of his magical meal. When the turkey is gone, and Taran, Jax, and Shipy are not even half full, Desuma produces another, plus a golden ham. Each stands to give their toast to the others.
It's up to Hobbit_King, Shindorim7, TaranDracon, JaxDracon, and (hopefully) Desuma_Malevois/Milady_Domina to provide us with their last words in this tale. Calenril_i will then close up this postlogue. This is the time for tying up loose ends, asking, and answering questions.
I stand to my full four-foot height and prepare to make a toast. Still unable to see over the edge of the table, I climb up on my chair and stand.
"I'm glad everyone could come, honored guests... uh, er, and Jack. I would like to thank each and everyone of you. You have been a wonderful adventuring group and very good friends. I don't know what we should call this day but we should at least give thanks for the giving [Yes, it was Thanksgiving when this post appeared! --ed.]. And now I will conclude my speech with an ancient Hobbit saying, 'In the mouth, over the tongue, look out Hobbit here it comes!'"
Clicking our glasses together, I smile happily as only a Hobbit can. I also tip my glass to Bela.
Taran bares his tusks in a grin as wide as he can manage. Jax is the only one who doesn't seem to giggle at the food pieces stuck between his brother's teeth. "Indeed, let us be thankful. I've a good lot of friends here, even though it's not our custom," he says, motioning to his brother, "to befriend ye lesser kindred species."
At this, Jax finally laughs and slaps his brother on the back, causing Taran to cough up a bit of turkey which lands smack in Shipy's goblet. "Yes, thanks indeed!"
The Dracon brothers enjoy the evening, trying not to get too out of their senses lest they wake up naked in a back alley. At every possible moment they take the opportunity to slap each other on the back and mutter comments like, "That's three times I've saved you," or, "Try not to die in our next adventure," or, "How come you always get the most magic stuff?"
Taran's mood of depression seems to have lifted, and he asks no questions about their adventure. As he drifts to sleep that night, he wonders if his crossbow and buckler are still rusting away at the bottom of the lake; other than that, he has no lingering thoughts about the adventure.
"Best we leave that time-looped adventure in the past," he thinks to himself, "and all of my death scenes, too!"
Jax lifts his glass to Shipy's toast and wonders to himself how the Frak™ they survived this adventure intact. He also wonders if Cobalt's "lucky buckeye" in his pocket is really that lucky....
"Bela, you old skinny-butt, if you ever need a place to stay, or get a hankerin' for the best bullfrog stew this side of Gull, head over to the Dracon Compound and ask for Kna'gl. Just tell her that one of her sons sent you. Goes for all of you crazy louts, and even Shipy," Jax lowers his mead-soaked gaze to the Hobbit.
"Now enough of this here lollygagging. It's enough that you gals made us wash before we came over! Now pass me some more o' that roast beast already, before I really start showing some table manners!"
Sorry, I forgot all about Cobalt's "Lucky Buckeye." It is magical and it gives anyone carrying it a +10 Luck. If you lose it or don't carry it on you, the +10 Luck goes away. That's it, simple but useful. The buckeye is a semi-round, light brown nut about the size of your thumb.
I feel that Bela's final actions in the adventure need to be explained. This takes care of that and also solves his homesickness problem.
Domina and Bela are talking quietly to each other as the dinner winds down. "I'm glad it turned out the way it did, but if I had been there, I really would have pulled the trigger," Domina tells Bela, referring to his decision to not kill Martek. "He lied to us so many times, how did you know he wasn't lying, again?"
"I'm not sure if it was all lies, or just confusion from so many time loops," Bela answers. "After Shipy was killed, I felt like killing Martek for the way he used us as pawns, acting like death was no worse than a sneeze." Bela's fists clench. "But, that's not enough reason, not for me.
"He really put his life in danger when he told me I had killed him before. If that were true, I must have had a reason. Maybe he said the wrong thing at the wrong time, I don't know. I realized there was a way to test if what he said was true, when I began to create a marker for Shipy's grave. If he were telling the truth, I figured, then the last time loop we were in was unique---longer than the others---for I would never have gone as far as examining Shipy's body in the other loops. I scanned to see if I had left a message to myself in another time loop and found none, then I wrote a message to myself on a stone in magical ink. Since there was no message from before, this time loop must have been longer than others, thus proving the truth of Martek's statement. That's why I cooperated with him."
"But, Bela, I went through enough time loops to know that everything you do is undone in each loop. I think you were wrong," Domina says, "nothing you do remains outside of the time loop."
Bela turns white, then a glowing red, as the truth registers. "Then it was really just luck, I guess," he says.
There! I finally got that off my chest.
There is a knock at the door. "Come in," Desuma says, thinking that Ruth has come back. The wild elf Blaen comes through the door, and the Book (still atop its stand) clops in.
Bela turns at the sound of walking furniture and shouts and scrambles to his feet, knocking over his chair, "You! What do you want, now?" He is addressing the book, not the elf.
The book walks toward Bela, dropping a leaf in the process. Blaen looks at it, picks it up, and says, "All right. Excuse me, folks." Then, he snatches a handful of roast beast, turns tail, and runs. The leaf he is carrying is a check for ten gold pieces from Bela's account, signed with Bela's signature to Blaen---a perfect forgery.
Stopping in front of Bela, the book turns a few pages, and a package appears at Bela's feet. Bela picks it up to examine it. It appears to be a small book wrapped in brown paper. A note on it reads, "For Bela, not to be opened while in Troll World." The book turns more pages.
Domina, Desuma, and Shipy peer over the top of the book to see what it says. The pages are full of runes that none of them recognize, and in the center of the right page is a picture. It is a perfect photograph of another land. In it is a castle set among impossibly tall silver trees, golden leaves covering the ground, and people---elves---walking in the background.
Looking into the picture, Bela says, "It's my home! And the figures in the picture are moving. Look! I recognize that one. It's my father, Calenril." Bela points, and as his index finger reaches out, the Book leans forward, causing his finger to touch the page. Bela disappears. There is a flash, and his pack also disappears from the corner where he had laid it. Now, inside of the picture, Bela is looking around, holding the package in his hand. His pack appears on the ground beside him, and the elf Calenril is running toward him.
"What have you done with him! Bring him back, or I'll use you to wipe my backside!" Shipy cries. But the Book turns and leaves, and nobody seems to be able to move to stop it. As it walks out the door, a small book appears where Bela had stood. It is leatherbound, and beautifully crafted. Gold lettering on the front reads, in Common, "Lennoxa," and in Elven, "D'Nali."
Bela has gone home, but not forever. The book he carries is Troll World, and he has only to touch the picture inside of it to return. The book D'Nali has a link in it to Bela's world just like the one in the pages of the Book. Unlike the Book, these two books have no sentience to them, and are physically mostly like any other well-crafted book. With these two books, Bela has a way to go back and forth between his home world and Troll World.
The end. Thanks for your patience.
Please note that the Rand brothers, creators of the Myst saga, get credit for the hyperlinking books idea.
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