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Chapter 1:

Sirius Black was restless on this night. He was stuck like a trapped animal in Number 12 Grimmauld Place. A place that was linked to his less than pleasant childhood. Perhaps he was still purging himself when he offered his old home to the Order.

Or maybe he didn't think that he would have to stay inside the house himself. He figured that he would be able to stay with someone else and not in that dreaded house. He hated Grimmauld Place with a fiery passion.

He could never sleep or at least lately it felt as though he never slept when he was in this house. He would lay down on his bed the bed that he had laid down on many times as a child why he chose that room he didn't have the slightest idea and he would let everything rush over him.

The last fifteen years. How very different they had been from how he had planned. Lily and James should be alive with at least a half a dozen children. Peter was supposed to do something boring and mundane and yet love his job and be afraid to go home to his overbearing wife.

Sirius was supposed to move around from job to job never really knowing what he wanted until he ended up at the same job James had, something involved with the Ministry most likely, living the life of the glorified bachelor.

And Remus, well what was there to say about Remus. Sirius knew he was strong. He had seen it better than anyone else had. He had seen the fire behind those amber brown eyes though it was muted except for the few days before the moon when the fire would glow brightly that even someone as oblivious as Peter could see it.

Sirius was never afraid for Remus. He knew that Remus would land on his feet. So while he mollified Peter and James over their respective problems he knew that Remus would be able to handle himself. Though it never stopped Sirius from being overprotective of his werewolf friend. He knew how hard it was for Remus to make friends and meet people.

He was shy by nature, but his lycanthropy always made him even more gun shy around people. Sirius always pictured himself and Remus living in some Muggle apartment in London until the end of days. Why he pictured that he could never give an answer. It had all been part of his dream.

Never would he believe that they'd end up here. Lily and James dead their only son orphaned before even knowing his parents. Peter, sweet oblivious Peter, traitor for the dark side. Remus scrawny and aged far beyond his years.

Himself a broken shell of the man he used to be. Sirius, though some might say he was arrogant and vain, knew that he had been confident back then. He gave off an air that screamed conceited though he never meant to. He never meant to be unapproachable. He was just his usually charming self.

Now, he was nothing. He felt like less than nothing. He looked in the mirror and wondered who that man in the mirror was. His teeth were yellow and his hair was long and almost greaser than Snape's. His eyes seemed haunted. If it was one thing that Sirius was happy to receive from the Blacks it was his eyes. They had been so unique. Different shades of blue and gray and he knew that they had been his best feature.

He was thirty-five. He was only thirty-five. He had at least another seventy perhaps eighty years left. Wizards, especially pureblooded wizards, lived at least two decades more than the regular Muggle.

Whereas Muggles died at seventy Sirius would live to be at least a hundred. If he didn't go insane before then. Some people were barely starting their lives at thirty-five. He felt as though he already lived all of it. As though he already had all the knowledge he needed. He certainly had all the pain he ever wanted. If things could be easy from now on it wouldn't help though.

He was already scarred. He wasn't even sure he could live for the next seventy years with the baggage he had on his shoulders.

Sirius felt as though he was waiting to wake up. He would wake up and the last fifteen years of badness would just be one big nightmare.

He'd be in the flat he shared with Remus right before his trip to Azkaban and he'd yelp in shock and Remus would come in with some tea and soothing words. It was a comforting thought one he wanted to be true with ever fiber of his being. He was just waiting to wake up.

Waiting for Remus to knock on his door yelling that he was late for whatever job he had had at the time Sirius wasn't even sure it seemed like a lifetime ago. Just waiting to wake up.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you, Harry. You're godfather's having one of his 'fits'." Ron said.

Remus frowned. He didn't really like the way Ron had used air quotes around the word fits. As though it wouldn't be perfectly normal for an escaped convict from the most horrible place in the world to be in a bad mood every once in awhile.

Though Remus would be the first to admit that his bad moods seemed to rival even those of Harry's. It wasn't uncommon for Harry to start yelling at people for no reason lately. Remus thought it was pretty normal as long as neither blew up anything.

"He's been through a lot, Ron. Perhaps we should make allowances for his less than welcoming attitude." Hermione said.

"Yeah because it's not like he wasn't in a prison where evil dementors suck out every happy memory you've ever had. And you know let's just forget that he was there because he was wrongly accused." Harry said his dripping with sarcasm.

"Sorry, I just thought you'd like to know so you didn't walk in on an exploding time bomb." Ron said defensively.

"I wish there were something I could do for him." Harry said in a desperate tone.

"If he doesn't want to open up than perhaps you should just let him come to you. Things will work themselves out for the better, Harry. I imagine Sirius is just trying to forget everything and doesn't know how to do that exactly." Hermione said.

Remus liked her even though she was very quick to judge Sirius's actions like Molly. He knew both were just trying to do what was best, but neither had gone through what Sirius had gone through. Remus himself couldn't imagine it all.

There was just too much that Remus didn't know about. Things that would be better left unsaid, but for some compelling reason Remus wanted them said. Out in the open so he could know where he stood with Sirius. Where exactly he fit into Sirius's life remained a mystery.

There was a time when that wasn't true. There was a time when he knew exactly where he belonged. It was somewhere very close to Sirius. Despite Remus's protests Sirius liked to treat him like something made of porcelain. Handled with special gloves, James had said once as a joke.

He had even gone so far as to buy Sirius a set of 'special gloves' one year for Christmas. They had laughed it off, Remus in an extremely put off sort of way, but laughing nonetheless. Sirius had been the one to suggest that Remus stay with him after he got a flat with his Uncle Alphard's money. Remus had protested to that as well, but Sirius had all but tied him to a bed in the spare room for the first week before Remus gave up struggling.

Remus got up and bravely walked into the Drawing Room trying not to listen to the gasp that Ron gave as he opened the door and closed it behind him.

"I thought I told Ron not to let anyone in." Sirius said from his old battered chair he had insisted on keeping.

"It's me Sirius." Remus said.

Sirius's head popped up much like that of a bird when it hears its mother calling. A smile tight lipped smile graced his lips before he once again closed his eyes swaying a bit as though he were listening to music no one could hear.

"Ron seems to be under the impression that you're having a 'fit'." Remus said as he walked to an empty desk chair.

"I yelled a bit. Just a little something to scare the poor kid." Sirius said eyes still closed.

"Hmm, he is a teenager. They over exaggerate everything it seems. I can't even remember being his age." Remus said shaking his head.

"It was twenty years ago. Shouldn't you be able to remember it? I mean it wasn't a lifetime ago." Sirius said.

"I suppose. You're not the only one that's prematurely aged, Padfoot." Sirius's eyes opened and he study Remus.

"Well, I guess my case could be worse. I could have gray hair." Sirius said jokingly. Remus had the good sense to look put off.

"I've always had gray hair thank you very much."

"Yeah I remember you used to get teased about it. An eleven year old with gray hair. James jumped all over that one."

"Such a Prongs thing to do. Make fun of me because I had gray hair."

"I think he was just trying to get a rise out of you. You were so... impenetrable. A natural recluse. James had never met someone who didn't try to talk louder than him."

"That someone being you." Remus said with a smile on his face. Sirius's smile was a bit bigger this time.

"When did you get back?" Sirius asked.

"A little while ago. Just in time to hear that there is an Order meeting tonight." Remus said.

"Dumbledore's been sending you on too many missions."

"I'm perfectly fine, Sirius. I know how to handle myself. Though I guess I am a bit tired."

"You probably don't even get to eat on those missions."

"You're fretting. A lot actually. Stop and breath for a second."

"I fret about you. Been years and you've changed so much and I still do it. Old reflex."

"So tell me why you were throwing a fit. Is it just a regular day for you?" Remus asked.

"I'm having bad day. I'm entitled to a bad day." Sirius said getting defensive.

"Sure of course you are... I have bad days all the time." Remus said.

Sirius closed his eyes again and practically melted into the chair. Remus got up and went to stroke his hair much like how he had done fifteen years prior. Sirius flinched away from him as though he could sense Remus was going to touch him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Remus asked clearly concerned.

"I just... I don't exactly like... being touched... anymore." Sirius said.

"Did they touch you in Azkaban?" Remus asked.

"No, not really. I mean they didn't really have to touch me. They just had to get close." Sirius said.

"Its okay if you're a little..."

"Oh don't try and search for a word for it. I'm broken. A shell of what I used to be. I can't even take care of myself anymore. They have to keep you here so I'm monitored. What do they think I'm going to do?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know. I'm not here because they told me to be here. I'm here because I feel like being close to an old friend." Remus said calmly.

He had always been able to keep his cool in even the direst situations. Sirius was the one who wore his heart on his sleeve.

"Pity. That's even better." Sirius said sarcastically.

"It's not pity Sirius."

"Sure it's not Remus. There's old Padfoot. He was once a great guy. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect eyes, perfect personality and now I'm nothing. Nothing but a caged animal. I bet Snivellus is just loving all this." Sirius said.

"I don't know. I haven't seen Severus in quiet some time." Remus said.

"I'm sick. I'm sick of... everything." Sirius said in a tone of despair.

"Sirius I know things seem bad right now..."

"No, go away. Don't talk to me. I want to be alone." Sirius said turning away from Remus as much as he could in the small chair.

Remus sighed. It was difficult dealing with Sirius at best. Some days he'd be totally alive. Remus didn't know what triggered those days but they were few and far between. Some days Sirius wouldn't even talk to him so Remus guessed he could be thankful that he got a response at all.

Sirius had vocalized how utterly confused and depressed he felt. It was a lot to take in. Fifteen years without contact from the outside was bound to make the man with the strongest of wills to break. Everything was so new to Sirius. Remus felt for his friend he really did. He wanted to put the pieces back together he just didn't know how.

"You can't save me, Remus. So don't try anymore. Please." Sirius said desperately.

This puzzled Remus. He pondered what Sirius could possibly mean. What did Sirius mean by this? Remus wasn't even aware he should be trying to save Sirius from anything.

"I'm not trying to save you from anything, Sirius. I just want you to smile. One of those real smiles. One of those special Padfoot smiles that used to light up the room."

"I can't." Sirius said his eyes still tightly closed.

Remus just wanted Sirius to look at him in the eyes just once. Sirius never looked him in the eyes anymore. Sirius had eyes that told his whole story whether he liked it or not. It was the easiest way for Remus to tell if something was wrong.

"We'll work on it." Remus said pleasantly.

"Were you always this optimistic?"

"No, you were the eternal optimist. I was... ambivalent."

"I thought I told you to leave." Sirius said as though he just remembered his words from earlier.

"You've told me to leave a few times before."

"How many times have we gone through this?"

"Quiet a few. I'm okay with it though. The least I can do is be here for you."

"Why? I screw up everything. I thought you were the spy, Moony. I thought you were the one who betrayed us. We lived with each other for all those years and I still thought you were capable of..."

"Did you really think Peter was capable of it. It was wartime Sirius. Everyone was panicked and second-guessing. I believed them when they carted you off to Azkaban. I knew you weren't capable of it."

"There was evidence."

"Obviously not good evidence because you didn't do it."

"You're making too many allowances for me. It's my fault." Sirius said in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Is that what you think. You didn't kill Lily and James. Voldemort did that." Remus said as he watched Sirius flinch.

Remus avoided talking about Voldemort as much as possible. It wasn't t6hat he was scared of the Dark Lord. It was that he had lost so much at his hands that he felt as though he would go into a rage if the name was brought up.

Sirius was never scared of Voldemort either. He was however worried about the calm tone in which Remus had said the name in.

"I may as well have." Sirius said.

"Why because you made a mistake?"

"A mistake that cost the lives of my friends. My best friend. I let my stupidity get the best of me and they suffered for it. Harry suffered for it."

"You thought I was the spy. We were close. It's understandable why you wanted to switch the Secret Keeper at the last minute." Remus said.

"I loved you." Sirius whispered.

"I know you did, but people were betraying each other left and right. It was only natural that..."

"No, I was in love with you. That night... after Regulus... I messed up after that because I was scared. So you see it wasn't just one mistake... it was a series of stupid mistakes that led to everyone I've ever loved being hurt." Sirius said as he got up from his chair and walked out of the room.

Chapter 2

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