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CONTINUED
GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously long sandwich.
GANDALF
You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it!
FRODO
Aww, do I have to?
GANDALF
Yes, it all started so long ago...
CUT TO SECOND AGE
GANDALF(vo)
When the armies of elf and man made their last stand...
FRODO
This is the third time you've said this!
CUT back to BAG END
GANDALF
I did? Oh...
GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window
and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE!
FRODO
It's Sam Gamgee!
GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK!
FRODO
It's Pippin Took!
GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
FRODO
It's MERRY BRANDYBUCK!
GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST!
FRODO
it's a pot roast!
GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN!
FRODO
It's Dracula!
MR.SCHLABRA AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM,
MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain.
GANDALF
So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I?
SAM
Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir!
PIPPIN
There's only three of us...
GANDALF
Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End
here?
MERRY
We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright...
SAM
Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked...
PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent.
GANDALF
Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him!
Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later!
GANDALF takes a ridiculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the
way out.
GANDALF
Ouch!
CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table
plotting their escape from Hobbiton...
EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD
FRODO
I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to?
Sound effects of a horse trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to
listen.
MERRY
Maybe that’s Gandalf.
Creepy ominous music begins to play. The sounds of the trotting horse become
thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are gunshots. Pippin looks at a small
glass of water and sees waves forming in it.
FRODO: Somehow, I don’t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise
him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let’s hide!
All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire
breathing horse.
NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo
All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The
NAZGUL rides on.
PIPPIN: I wonder what that was.
MERRY: You really don’t want to know.
The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL
EDITION HERE"
Part 3 Exterior Farmland
MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR)
Boy, I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to hear the words ‘clean lifts’ before.
According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders,
a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight.
SAM
But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out?
PIPPIN
Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy.
MERRY
Well it worked well in the book.
FRODO
Also, we didn’t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest.
Where should we make for?
PIPPIN (holding out a copy of ‘A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and
Associated Areas) Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it
says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree
under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, ‘The Prancing Pony’, with doors facing
westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper."
MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR)
Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I’m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn
by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again."
Part 4 Bree
They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward.
EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words
‘RAMADA INN’)
SAM
Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony.
They Enter.
INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN.
BARLIMAN
Hi, I’m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don’t. Would you like
some beer while I try to remember?
PIPPIN
Great, I’m parched!
FRODO
Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer.
PIPPIN
Ahhh, but this is New Zealand!
Pippin turns to Barliman.
PIPPIN
We’ll all have beers.
They do.
Merry and Pippin get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. Sam eats an
enormously long sandwich. Frodo sees STRIDER. Strider is wearing a tattered black
cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword,
and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat.
STRIDER
Oh, like, I’m called Strider. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be.
FRODO
I’m.. Fr.. I’m mean Mr. Underhill. I’m not necessarily who I appear to be, either.
STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin)
Dude, if I were you I’d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are
queer folk about.
SAM
I resent that remark!
MERRY
But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn’t have possibly fallen into the abyss!
BREELANDER EXTRA #1
Ahh, but they don’t have to be functional wings!
STRIDER
Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot!
Frodo takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and
turns and looks at where Frodo last was.
Strider hits his forehead with his palm.
STRIDER
Doh!
Frodo takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider.
FRODO
Did that work?
STRIDER
In a manner of speaking.
Six orcs, five evil looking villains, four trolls, three Nazgul, two Nazi SS, and
Mr.Schlabra get up and leave the bar. Strider is left with only the hobbits.
STRIDER
Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine.
Everyone pauses with baited breath. Dramatic music plays.
STRIDER
I’m the male romantic lead.
SAM
That depends on your point of view.
FRODO
Really. Why should we take your word for this?
STRIDER
Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren’t I? Nevermind, I’m the best that
they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live
with it. I’m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don’t you take me
along.
NEXT | BACK
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