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Continued
GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back.
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo!
FRODO
Hi, Gandalf!
GANDALF
You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil!
GANDALF hits head on rafters.
GANDALF
Ouch!
FRODO
Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich!
GANDALF eats sandwich.
GANDALF
Yes, it is! Here, give it to me!
GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts.
GANDALF
Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now.
GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows.
FRODO
What does it say?
GANDALF
It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said:
One thing to fool them all!
One thing to blind them!
One thing to bring them all!
And in the theatre find them!
FRODO
What does it mean?
GANDALF
It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means.
FRODO
cool.
PART 2: Shadow of the Past
FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY
FRODO
Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means?
GANDALF
When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Steve Schlabra is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo?
FRODO is DOZING OFF
GANDALF
Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen!
GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD
FRODO
Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you.
GANDALF
That's not what I was saying!
FRODO
Of course not!
GANDALF
Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing.
FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED)
Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it?
GANDALF
I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery
FRODO INTERRUPTS
I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery?
GANDALF
Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and
mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot...
FADES TO BLACK
OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE
SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN
GANDALF (v.o)
It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although
we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a
terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody
affair, and, on the whole, not much fun.
FRODO (v.o)
Uh, didn't we see this before?
GANDALF (v.o.)
Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show
himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat...
ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER
GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a
HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not
even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem.
GIL-GALAD
Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is
destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his
smiting!
ISILDUR
Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment.
METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN
GIL-GALAD
Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest!
ISILDUR
Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him!
SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER
ISILDUR
Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy?
GIL-GALAD
Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and
look like a kitchen appliance gone wild.
ISILDUR
May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed!
GIL-GALAD
You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth!
SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two,
and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye.
SAURON
Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls!
GIL-GALAD
Nay, you shall eat our steel!
Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is
chopped off his hand.
FADES TO BLACK
CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF
FRODO
Wow! That was cool!
GANDALF
Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I
fear for us all!
FRODO
Um... You still haven't said why!
GANDALF
Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are
all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all
of Middle Earth!
FRODO
That sucks!
GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it
GANDALF
I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I
am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example.
GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and
GANDALF start COUGHING
(AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO
Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it?
GANDALF
No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM
LIGHTNING and THUNDER
FRODO
That's odd... it's sunny outside...
GANDALF
Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!!
LIGHTING and THUNDER again
BOTH are SILENT
SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside
GANDALF
What's that sound?
FRODO
Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously
long sandwich?
FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF
FRODO
Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do?
NEXT
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