Chapter 1
There she sat all alone in her finely furnished apartment in downtown Los Angeles. The mattress was firm and a warm breeze oozed through floating lace curtains. Knowing that half way around the world Nick was being faced with the reality of her decision stabbed into her more than she ever thought imaginable. She knew she couldn’t call him yet because he was at the airport. ‘Gosh he’s waiting for me,’ she winced as the mental image of him standing at the gate as people exited the plane. He’d hope that each figure turning around the corner would be her but that would not happen. Instead he would just stand there, lost and confused. Not confused because he didn’t know where she was, but confused because he would wonder what he did so wrong to make her choose against him.
“I wish I could be there, I wish I could tell him face to face that it wasn’t that I didn’t love him, it wasn’t that at all. He was perfect and he couldn’t have done anything differently. It was strictly me and my need to do something on my own for once. Not because I was set on being a single working woman but because I needed to know that I could do it, that I could succeed at something on my own without the help of someone else. I need to know that I am worthy and capable of living out my dreams.” The phone looked so inviting as she picked it up to dial home. Thankfully her mother was out and she just left a brief message, that’s all she could manage.
In a world of her own, so new and large, Hannah felt completely helpless. She had never been to Los Angeles before, at least without Nick, and somehow she would have to make her own way. Comforting herself with the new pillow that still had the tags on it, the company's packers had neglected to take note of such small details…not that it mattered, now nothing mattered to her other than this knot in her stomach that grew and grew by the minute. The pain and guilt built inside her as she cried herself to sleep realizing the loneliness of her big empty bed. She had hurt the man she loved and it was beginning to hit her that there was nothing she could do to fix that.
* * * *
Nick stood silent as he watched every passenger exit into the airport. Each face a hopeful but none the one he wanted. “Well man, looks like she didn’t come,” Howie said patting his good friend’s back. “Come on, let’s go.” He started towards the exit.
“No, you go. I’ll be just a minute…I need some time alone, to think.” He spotted the pilot wheeling one of those black pieces of luggage that it seems all pilots have and held his breath. He approached the tall and seemingly agitated man who was speaking with his associate about something that had gone wrong during the flight. “Excuse me, but has everyone left the plane?”
The man stopped in his step and looked at Nick, almost like an army general he answered, “Yes, all passengers have left the aircraft. There is of course the cleaning crew left behind though.”
Before he could say anything more the man had continued on with his stark black bag and irritating conversation. Nick rolled his eyes knowing that he would never again choose Delta. Snickering at himself over the unused ticket held in Hannah’s hand as she selfishly left him standing expectedly at the gate he sat down on the flat leather sofa and stared out at the tarmac. Feeling the pain he dreaded from the day she mentioned California more than ever the possibility of a relationship seemed completely impossible. She had gotten what she wanted and left him with nothing. Perhaps after all she was not what he thought, the woman he knew was kind and caring…would definitely never leave him standing alone as if an annihilated groom left behind at the alter. This was something that he could never see beyond. She had done something so strong, deep, and deadening to their relationship that it could never be revoked. She had abandoned him; left him stranded.
* * * *
Hannah gracefully picked up the phone rubbing the crust of sleep from around her eyes. Checking the clock she calculated the hours ahead figuring the time in Sweden. Was it too late or too early to call? Moments later she concluded neither, it was the perfect time to call him. If such a time existed.
Figuring that things would only get worse if she let them waiting the digits nervously found themselves dialed and soon the phone was ringing. It rang and rang until the answering machine picked up and the immediate joy of Nick’s voice filled her head. “Hey this is Nicky boy, I’m out living it up in the studio so leave yourself a message and I’ll get back to ya…depending on whether I want to or not of course. Ha ha. Ok you can talk now,” and the tone came through the receiver signaling her to begin her message.
Gripping the phone, she slowly opened her dry mouth and started to speak. “Hi Nick, it’s me,” she began, her voiced shaked. “I suppose by now you figured out that I came to California. Look, I know your position on long term relationships but call me anyway. I need to hear from you, please. You need to hear why I did what I did, it’s not as bad as you think because I do love you. I love you more than you could ever imagine, so much that it makes my heart literally break not being beside you right now. So please, please call me…if just to say that you got this message; I need to hear your voice,” she sniffled back some of the tears she was starting to shed in an effort to compose herself. “This is my number,” she said quickly, “Write it down clearly, I know you have a problem with that,” she tried to joke but she knew how truly forced and ridiculous she sounded. “It’s 213-555-7768. I’ll wait to hear from you, and Nick, I miss you,” she cried before hanging up the phone, not knowing that Nick had been listening to every word.
* * * *
The next day curled up in her robe Hannah still hadn’t heard from Nick and she reluctantly glared at the phone whether it would be too excessive to call him back already or if she should just wait a few days. If she waited he might never call back and if she called him she’d prove to him that he was still set in her thoughts no matter how many miles apart they were. Distinctively she picked up the phone and quickly ran through the long set of numbers only to sit impatiently through the four rings which proceeded the answering machine. ‘Gosh he must be busy,’ she thought as she again listened to his announcement. The sound of his voice brought her deep comfort and she knew she’d find herself calling back moments later just to hear it again even if it meant not leaving another message.
“Hi Nick, it’s me again. I was wondering how you were doing. I don’t know whether or not you got my message yesterday. If you didn’t that’s ok and if you did and were to busy to call back I understand. I started work today and it was to be honest, nothing like I expected. Filling the copying machine with staplers and paper is hardly the glamorous job I imagined but maybe things will shape up. There are at least a lot of interesting people that work there. I was thinking of calling your mother soon and doing something with her over the weekend. I didn’t know whether or not you had spoken to her about me coming here for the summer yet so I guess I’ll wait to here from you on that before I call her. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries or anything. Uhh, I guess I’ll go before I use up your whole answering machine tape but I miss you, I love you, and I’m thinking of you every second. Please give me a call. Again the number is 213-555-7768. I’d give you my work number but I don’t exactly have an office yet and I don’t think it’d be a good thing on my second day to start receiving personal calls. Well baby I love you and I hope everything is going well with the album. I can’t wait to hear it,” she then kissed the phone and placed it back on the base.
* * * *
There was nothing more excruciating than the waiting, although she didn’t know exactly what she was waiting for. Waiting to hear from Nick…waiting to receive some sign that things weren’t over between them…waiting to see that the reason he never returned her calls was because there was something terribly wrong with his answering machine and despite everyone’s best efforts he couldn’t retrieve his messages. ‘Oh that would be the worst,’ she thought hoping that wasn’t the case because then Nick would think she had completely forgotten him. She hadn’t forgotten him and never would. All she could do was hope and pray that she’d somehow get through to him over the phone no matter how many daily phone messages it took or how many numbers she left him, which by this point included work, home, and cell. ‘Shouldn’t his machine be filled by now?’ she asked herself realizing that he must be getting her messages. The painful truth set in, she hadn’t abandoned him…he’d abandoned her.
Rushing to the phone she began yet another effort to console him into talking with her, it was all she could do and doing absolutely nothing would kill her. “Nick, please stop doing this,” she said into the phone…into his answering machine which he would hear, “I can’t understand why you’re being so cold. I’m trying so hard here to be strong and positive, not think about the fact that you’re totally ignoring me but it hurts.” By now her sobs were uncontrollable, “I need you in my life, I need to hear from you. I need you Nick! Please, I’m begging you don’t do this to us. Don’t make me hate you by shutting me out, don’t shut me out. Please! I love you, what do you want? You want me to quit my job and fly out there? Whatever it is just tell me and I’ll do it, I swear! I can’t take any more of this; I’ll do anything to make this hurt go away. You’re killing me inside Nick. Please, please, please call me back. I love you so much…so much I think I’m going to lose my mind soon. And I miss you. Every inch of me aches for you, every inch Nick. I lie in bed at night and shake for you, I can’t find comfort unless I’m in your arms. And I’ll do that, I’ll come to you but you have to call me. I don’t know where you are, anything! Please Nick, please! Call me.”
She hung up the phone grabbing her stomach, she wasn’t kidding about the aches in her body for him. As if in withdrawal she had cold sweats, throbbing headaches, and unrelenting aches. She needed him, he was her perfect drug.
* * * *
It was a mistake, their whole relationship was a mistake. Or was it? Well if it was it was most certainly Hannah’s most favorite because even through everything she’d drop her whole new life for him in an instant if he’d just say the words. But he never said the words, in fact he never said anything.
It was now mid-August, nearly two months since she’d arrived in California and in just a few days she’d be moving into the dormitory and beginning classes at UCLA. Fact is she never called his mom to let her know she was there; it was somewhat disappointing and embarrassing to her that she’d have to be the one to explain to his mother why it was she knew nothing about her son’s life anymore. She’d been completely dropped out of it. Her bedroom had become a shrine to him as she set up every photo of the two, having them around was the only thing that allowed her to sleep at night. Did he have trouble sleeping too? Did he toss and turn the way she does or had he really just forgotten her and moved on? Maybe he wasn’t who she thought he was after all and it was all just a game to him. Once he returned to his life as a teen idol she was to leak from his life never to be seen again.
Hannah approached the phone one last time, one last call. She promised herself over and over that she couldn’t do this anymore; things had to stop. She couldn’t keep calling him because if she did she wouldn’t be able to move on. Though it wasn’t what she wanted she knew she needed to, maybe things would get better once school started. Maybe she’d meet someone warm, handsome, and charming just like he was. But then no one could take his place, ever, or at least it seemed that way. He was the dream of girls around the world and Hannah became what she never thought she’d become, one of them. One of the millions of girls who think about him day in and day out. One of the millions of girls who long for his touch but will never get it. Despite it all, their past together, she had become one of the millions of girls…that he never thought about.
“Nick, it’s me. I just wanted you to know that I’m not going to do this anymore, I just won’t. It hurts too much to pour my heart out and get nothing in return so I’m going to stop. You don’t want to talk to me so I’m going to stop. I’m not going to call you anymore. I’m not going to put myself through this same heartache day in and day out because it’s too much to bear. I won’t bother you anymore. But, I can’t promise you that I’ll stop thinking of you, what you’re doing and what we’ve done. I can’t promise you that I’ll stop loving you because to me a love that strong can never come again. And I will never forget you,” she stopped to catch her breath, “like you’ve forgotten me because I can’t do that. I can’t and I won’t. You were everything to me, and you still are…but I know when to stop, and it’s time. So I send you my best and I love you. Good-bye.”
The phone fell to the floor as the tear fell from her eye. She had done it, told him good-bye but in her heart she knew it was useless. There would never come a day that she could look at him and not remember all their times together. She could never see him again and not feel the strong love that filled her heart still to this day. He was a part of her forever: past, present, and future.
Chapter 2
Lost in the Rain Main
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