Part Twenty-Nine
“Congratulations. Lindsey.”
“Hmm, what?”
Vincent snapped his fingers in front of Lindsey’s face. “Your case, Lindsey. You won, congratulations.”
“Oh, that, right. Thank you, sir,” Lindsey said distractedly.
“What is wrong with you today? You’re not yourself.”
Lindsey blushed, “Well, that is, um…”
“Ah, Jesse spent the night,” said Vincent knowingly. “Of course you’re distracted.” Lindsey blushed an even deeper red. “I have an idea. Why don’t you take him out to a fancy restaurant.”
“Oh, no, sir. I can’t afford that.”
“Nonsense. You won, Lindsey. Pay raise, junior partnership, penthouse suite, it’s all yours now. And dinner’s on me.”
Lindsey stood there shocked for a second, then narrowed his eyes, “Wait, what’s the catch?”
Vincent chuckled. “Why would there be a catch?”
“Because there’s always a catch. Especially here.”
“You’re smart one, Lindsey. But you need to learn when to not make trouble. Especially for something so trivial.”
“I hardly think this is trivial, sir.”
“Very well, Lindsey. The ‘catch’ as you so eloquently put it, is that you don’t lose and you teach Jesse everything you can.”
“Right, but what about…? Never mind.”
“There you go. See, Lindsey, you’re going to go far. Now, for a restaurant, I was thinking…”
Giles sighed in frustration. Iam and Xander had been devoutly avoiding each other, and when they had to be near the other, Xander would cast wistful glances at Iam, and Iam would counter with a mix of longing and fear.
And he was in the middle of it all. Thank god Liam had recommended extra counseling sessions, or Giles feared he might go mad. He only hoped the boys would grow out of their crushes soon. “There is no bloody way I could live through years or this,” he muttered into his cup of tea.
“So, Xander,” said Liam, studying the boy carefully, “are you doing alright?”
“No,” came the immediate response.
‘Well, at least he’s honest,” thought Liam. “What’s wrong? Will you tell me about it?”
Xander picked at the arm of the chair he was sitting on. “I ruined everything.”
“What did you ruin?” asked Liam soothingly.
“Iam hates me, and it’s all my fault!” Xander looked up at Liam with tears in his eyes. “He… I… we kissed again, and I-I-I did everything all wrong! I felt the same way as when I was with J-Jesse. So, I…” Xander looked back down at the floor.
Liam got up and knelt by Xander’s chair. He placed one hand on the boy’s shoulder for comfort. “Please, Xander, you can trust me.”
“I… he… and then he… I made him think of his father!” sobbed Xander. “I touched him and he pushed me away!”
“Oh, Xander, it’s not your fault,” soothed Liam.
“But it is, and no one wants me! Jesse left and Iam hates me!”
“Shhh, it’s okay.” Liam shifted a bit so that he could pull the sobbing teen into his arms.
Xander buried his face in the crook of Liam’s neck for several minutes, until he could cry no more. Once the tears had dried, Xander stayed there, letting Liam hold him. Then he shifted and brought his lips up to Liam’s and pressed lightly.
Liam was so shocked that he didn’t move for a few seconds, so Xander kissed him harder and licked at the older man’s lips. Liam pushed Xander away carefully, trying not to upset the youth too badly. “Xander, please don’t.”
“You don’t want me either,” sobbed Xander, bolting from his chair and racing toward the door.
Liam mentally thanked himself for locking the door.
“Xander, it’s not that I don’t want you, there are several reasons
for why you can’t do things like that.”
He walked over to where Xander was huddled.
“First, I’m your psychiatrist. And
second, and probably the most important, I am way too old for you.
You need to find someone your own age.
And you will.”
“Why? No one wants me…”
Liam knelt down next to Xander, being careful not to actually touch the boy. “Why do you think no one wants you, Xander? Rupert wants you to be his son, I would like you to be a friend.”
“But… my parents never wanted me. They said I was useless, that I should be dead. And I thought Jesse wanted me, but then he left and now he doesn’t talk to me, and Iam can’t even stand to talk to me…”
“Xander, your parents are very disturbed people who need help. They were wrong. You are not useless, you’re just a boy, you have your whole life ahead of you. And sometimes people who don’t love themselves lash out at others. Your parents were very unhappy, so they tried to make you miserable, just like them. But it didn’t work, because you found ways to be happy, to escape the pain. You’re a very strong person, and there are many people out there who want and will want you.”
Xander sniffled. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Xander. I understand.”
“Stupid, stupid bloody moron! What the hell did you think you were doing?” yelled Iam. He was in a field near Liam’s office and home. Hopefully no one was around, but if they were… “Sod it all! Why’n’t you just think for once, Iam? Instead of making things worse. Bloody make out with him at his best friend’s funeral and then run like a little girl when things heat up! He hates me! He hates me and ‘e doesn’t ever want to see me again. I’m so stupid…” Iam finished his rant and started sobbing, wishing he could take everything back. “Why couldn’t I wait? Why do I always mess things up?”
“Iam?” came a soft voice.
“Bloody… What?” Iam turned to see Dru.
“Are you alright?”
“ ‘M fine,” he snarled, not caring if it was Dru. “Just go away.”
“But…”
“Go!”
Dru started to leave, then turned back. “Xander’s finished. It’s your turn.”
“Fine.”
“Iam, how are you tonight?” asked Liam.
“Fine,” growled Iam.
“You don’t sound fine to me. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Liam suppressed a sigh or frustration. “Alright. What have you been up to lately? Do anything interesting?”
“No! What makes you think that I had…” shouted Iam angrily, cutting himself off when he saw the odd look Liam was giving him. “Oh, I… you… Sorry.”
“It’s alright, Iam. Sometimes we have to let our anger go. Otherwise it stays in and festers. And that’s not good for you.”
“But I still shouldn’t yell at you,” said Iam contritely. “You’re s’posed to be helping me. And that’s not fair to you.”
“But it’s why I’m here.” Liam thought for a second. “I have a room that’s completely sound-proof. We could have your session in there, so that you can yell all you like. I don’t mind.”
“No, it’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“I said it’s fine!” snapped Iam.
Liam raised one in submission. “Okay, it was just a suggestion, Iam. So, what would you like to talk about today?”
“Do the memories ever go away?” asked Iam, relaxing a bit.
“No, they don’t,” said Liam bluntly. “But they do fade.”
“So I’ll never forget?” asked Iam bitterly.
“No.”
“Oh.”
The two were silent for a minute. Then Liam began to speak. “I told you before that I was date-raped in college. Well, after that I wouldn’t let another man touch me, not even in a friendly gesture. I couldn’t take it. But almost right before graduation, a very good friend and I came home from a party. And he learned the whole story. Because he touched me. And didn’t run screaming when I reacted badly.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just let me finish,” said Liam when Iam went to make a comment. “You see, he listened to me. He held me while I cried and still wanted me. Had wanted me for a while. And I wanted him. We shared so much after that night. We were in love. And love is the best way to make the bad memories dim.”
“Why aren’t you still with him? And what about Drucie? Where does she fit?” asked Iam, when Liam appeared to be finished.
“Well, we parted ways when his old boyfriend came back. And I had, relative term here, Dru during college.”
“Before all that?”
“Yes, but after the rape.”
“Oh.”
“Are you ready to talk yet?”
Iam squirmed a bit. “I guess.”
Liam stared at Iam expectantly.
“Uh, well, I…” Iam stammered out before he fell silent for a minute. “He kissed me again. Uh, I kissed him. I’m not sure who started it anymore. But we did, and then he… um, shirts gone, uh… he touched me, and I ran. Like a bloody ponce.” Iam was crying by the time he had gotten that out.
“Oh, Iam,” soothed Liam. “No, that’s a perfectly normal response after what you’ve been through. It’s going to take time before you can have a physical relationship without thinking of that.”
Iam wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. “But I ruined everything.”
“No, you were caught up in a situation that you were not ready for. And then you got out of it before things could get even more out of hand.”
“But…”
“Xander does not hate you, Iam. He understands what you’re going through. He went through the same thing when he first began his relationship with Jesse. And you have to remember he was also being sexually abuse while with Jesse.”
“Oh…”
“My suggestion would be, don’t allow yourself into situations where intimacy can occur until you are ready for it.”
“But how will I know?”
“That’s one thing I can’t tell you.”