Sometimes When We Touch

Max sat in that wreck of a car in the junk yard for a long time, thinking. It had been the first time that Logan had told her that he loved her—she knew he did, but it was the first time he’d actually said it. She had replied in kind, but she knew he hadn’t heard it—he was too far away when she could finally get the words out. He had walked away as soon as he’d said it, not waiting for a reply; almost as if he didn’t want to hear the reply.

She supposed that she couldn’t really blame him for that; he was the one who pointed out that they couldn’t keep going through this. They had spent so long dancing around each other, wasting time; it was too late now. Manticore had given her this virus to kill him with one touch, preventing them from being together; and the one window they had to be together was slammed shut because of yet another Manticore crisis. How long could they keep holding on?

Max sat on top of the Space Needle, barely aware that Alec was with her, keeping her company. He hadn’t responded to her statement that ‘love sucks’, which was good because she could not have handled any retort that he might have made. Her heart was sick at the lie that she’d let Logan believe. She knew it hurt him, she could see it in his eyes when he stopped blocking her path; but she could see no other way. If Logan had any hope that they could be together, he would never let her go.

But it was over now. Logan was too good of a man to interfere if he thought she truly wanted to be with someone else. And if he ever found out the truth he would be too angry over the lie to want to be with her. If was over, and it was for the best—if only she could get her heart to believe it.

Logan resolutely put the photos that Lydecker gave him through the shredder. What the bastard said still echoed in his mind ‘They were trained to kill… coldly… efficiently… happily’, but he wasn’t going to let it affect his feelings for Max anymore. It didn’t matter to him what Max had been created to do—she had grown beyond that in the years since she had left Manticore. She wasn’t the cold-hearted killer that Lydecker claimed she was. The other night, after she had taken care of the Ben situation proved it. Logan had no doubt that she’d had to kill her brother, but her demeanour and silence when she got back to his apartment showed that it was nowhere near a happy event.

Logan needed to remember to judge Max on what he’d seen of her in the past year—not the judgements of a man who wanted to catch her and put her into a cage. The woman he had grown to love was so much more than Lydecker could ever dream of.

Max had to make a quick exit from Logan’s hospital room. She had no idea that Logan had the same dream that she had. She had no idea that it was even possible to share dreams. It must have been from the blood transfusion.

She tried to convince herself that the kiss was what she said it was. She really did. Zack was right about one thing—she couldn’t afford to get that close to Logan. But she couldn’t deny it to herself. She could still feel the kiss deep within her, and it did mean something more. And that scared her—she didn’t want to fall in love and lose control of the situation.

One kiss, and then she was gone. Suddenly Logan wanted to get out of the car, go into the cabin and take her up on the offer to run away with her. But he couldn’t, even if he didn’t have a life-threatening surgery scheduled for tomorrow. He would slow her down with the damn wheelchair, and she needed to get as far away from here as possible.

Besides, he couldn’t get past that niggling little question: how could someone as beautiful as her ever care about a cripple like him? Sure, Max had never said anything about it, had never indicated that it was a problem with her; but was that because of the quid pro quo they had? Up until that moment in the car she had never given any indication that he was any more to her than a source of information and a free meal ticket. Any time he tried to get closer to her, she closed off.

Yet still part of him wanted to be with her right now in his family’s cabin.

Yes, Logan lured Max to Cape Haven under false pretences. There was no way he would have made it out of Seattle otherwise. He knew that the vacation was important to Max; and he figured that after he talked to Herman Colbert and got the Eyes Only stuff out of the way, he could relax and enjoy some time with her. When Colbert refused to talk, the vacation was all that was left; so he joined Max and decided to take her up on a game of pool. It was something at which he was fairly sure he could beat her… or at least give her a run for her money. They were beginning to have a good time… until BC made his comments.

Afterwards, Logan couldn’t be sure why he did it, why he thought he could take on BC and the others. But when he heard BC start, his innate sense of chivalry kicked in, and he thought he needed to protect Max. Big thoughts… all they resulted in was a beating to his pride. Why did he think he needed to take care of Max? She was a genetically engineered killing machine, who had more than proved she could take care of herself. And she proved it again against BC and his friends without a second thought… which led to his battered pride at needing saving by a girl. Why did the think she’d care? Why should he think she’d even think of him in any other manner than as a friend and a meal ticket? She was a beautiful, genetically enhanced girl capable of anything, and he was a worthless cripple hiding behind Eyes Only. Who could compare?

Later, when the authorities (such as they were) came to deal with BC, and he and Max were given a ride out of Cape Haven, Logan reflected over things. There was no recrimination in Max’s eyes, not concerning the killings he’d had to commit, or his attitude afterwards. Apart from pointing out that sometimes you had no other choice, Max didn’t even bring the subject up. Logan appreciated that.

After everything they had been through, Logan could not believe how awkward it was just to examine Max’s back. Admittedly it was her bare back, and it was more bare flesh than he had seen of hers ever, but still… Maybe it was because under different circumstances it would be intimate, far more so than they had ever been or will have the opportunity to be now because of the damn virus.

But somehow Logan felt that none of it mattered. Not the awkwardness, or the insecurities, or the lies, or what had gone on in the past. As he knelt in front of her, tenderly stroking her hand, the cyberjournalist knew that everything would turn out all right.

Logan was not all that comfortable with his poetry writing; comfortable with letting anyone know about it, that is. Which was why he was somewhat mortified that Max had caught him at it the other night. He let the subject drop, hoping that she would forget it; but he should’ve guessed that she wouldn’t. She was not like that, not when something caught her attention. It was one of the things he loved about her.

So when she brought the subject up again, he swallowed his pride and let her read one of his poems, one that he’d written about her. She read it in silence, sitting in such a way that he couldn’t read her reactions; but she seemed to like it. Or so he thought… up until the moment she left, right after reading it. He tossed the book aside in disgust, lamenting the fact he had ever shown it to her. He had no idea what she must think of him now.

It wasn’t until later, when he picked the book up again and leafed through it, that he even noticed the poem missing. The thought made him smile. He should’ve been furious that she had ripped the page out like that, but he wasn’t. He was touched that she had liked it enough to want to keep it; another sign there was a soft heart beneath her tough, bad ass exterior. It made him hope that there was a future for them together.

Sometimes life threw you a curve ball. It was a phrase that Dr Sam Carr used to describe the recent developments. Max didn’t quite understand what it meant, and under the circumstances she didn’t want to ask Logan. All she knew was that sometimes nothing seemed to go her way.

At first it seemed like a good thing that Zack was alive. The fact that he was with the Steelheads, or that he had lost his memory, were just minor obstacles that needed to be overcome. Zack’s negative reaction to Logan was a bit more worrying, but given his jealousy of the older man before, it still wasn’t necessarily all that bad. No one had any idea how bad it really was. How could anyone have known that Manticore had programmed Zack to believe that Logan (or Eyes Only) was a traitor and somebody who needed to be taken out?

The only way to stop him killing Logan was to electrocute him—it wasn’t enough to kill him, but it was enough of a jolt to wipe the cybernetic implant that replaced his temporal lobe. Zack had no memories again; and according to Sam Carr, once he started reconnecting things, it would play out exactly the same way.

It wasn’t fair. All she wanted to do was try and have a normal life. How could she do this, how could she make this choice? She needed Zack, she needed to have all the Manticore allies she could get (Alec not being someone she felt she could rely on). But keeping her brother in her life meant risking Logan, and she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t risk losing the man she loved, not again. It was an impossible choice: her bother or Logan. The impossible choice, with only one solution.

Logan said that Buddy knew not to expose Zack (now known as Adam Thompson) to Eyes Only broadcasts or anything that might trigger Manticore memories. It was a small comfort, bit at least Zack had a chance at a normal life now. It was something he had always wanted anyhow. Sacrifices weren’t meant to be easy.

Logan Cale has some nerve, Max fumed as she rode along. Sure, they weren’t seeing each other, they weren’t dating; but that didn’t give him the right to blow dinner like that, or take her for granted, assuming she would drop everything for the next Eyes Only mission. See if she ever did anything like that for him again—she must’ve been out of her mind to feel guilty for calling him her meal ticket. He owed her for failed ops like that night. Well, no more. No more Eyes Only missions for this girl. No more men with missions at all.

Maybe Kendra was right. Maybe she needed to kick it with some nice, uncomplicated guy she could walk away from. Lord knows it would be a nice change. Problem was, it didn’t feel right; not anymore. She may not want to have anything to do with any more Eyes Only stuff, but Logan Cale himself just may have gotten under her skin so far that she’ll never get him out. I can’t believe I’m missing the guy. What next? I go up to his penthouse and declare my undying love for the man? She snorted. Yeah right, like that’s gonna happen!

A couple of cops leading young teenage girls into a van for breaking curfew broke into her musings. Normally it wouldn’t have gotten that much attention from her, except that she recognised them as being two of the men that chased her the other night. Bronck’s men. Max hesitated for only a second before heading for a phone to make a call.

It started of just like old times: he was making one of his ‘spur-of-the-moment culinary miracles’ and regaling Max with tales of politicians’ sex lives as she called it. Neither thought twice about it when he asked her to stir the pot; he’d done that before, lots of times. It was only when she’d tasted it and put the spoon back in the pot that they’d remembered the danger.

Max closed herself off at that, and got out of there as quickly as possible. Logan wanted so much to draw her into a comforting embrace and assure her that it would be all right. He would have too… had not that action he surely fatal to him. He never knew just how easy it was to accidentally brush up against someone until it became vital not to do so. He guessed he couldn’t blame Max for the way she felt—it can’t be easy knowing that your touch was poison to someone that you cared about. But Logan knew that the blame lay firmly on Manticore’s shoulders. Convincing Max of that was another matter.

I’m stupid! Max berated herself as she frantically rode her motorcycle back to Sector 9. she knew how desperate Logan wanted out of his wheelchair. She knew. It shouldn’t have been that much of a shock to find out that he was suicidal—he said as much in the car the other night. Why else would he have been desperate enough to see a doctor anonymously in a rough area, when he knew perfectly well she was ex-Manticore? Sure, she told him that he had always been whole and complete to her, but it didn’t seem like he had believed her.

Her heart plummeted when she saw the ambulance outside Fogle Towers, but her mind refused to believe it may be too late. That was all she could focus on as she frantically searched the apartment. She wouldn’t let her mind focus on the sick fear, or the reason she was searching for him so frantically. He wasn’t just a meal ticket or a source of Manticore-related information to her, not anymore. If indeed he ever was. He meant so much more to her now (although she refused to acknowledge just how much more it was). Her stomach knotted when she saw the pistol lying next to the computer. There was no body, so he hadn’t used it yet… But where was he?”

The door to the apartment opened and she rushed to see who it was. when Logan wheeled his way in she knelt down beside the wheelchair and threw her arms around him, not caring about how it may look. It was not the time for such worries; all she wanted was to verify that Logan was all right. Anger, recriminations, any reproaches could come later.

Logan had thrown himself into work for Eyes Only this past week and Asha felt she knew why. Max. Logan hadn’t told her exactly what had happened, but she figured the basics out—Max had cut all ties with him. Not for the first time, apparently; but this time it seemed like she meant it. From what Asha could gather, Max refused to answer any of Logan’s pages. There was something different about Logan this time, too. He seemed harder, somehow, more intent on protecting Max and her Manticore buddies.

In many ways it hurt to see the man so in love with Max when the transgenic kept blowing him off. Max was the reason Logan had thrown himself into the Manticore stuff for Eyes Only. He had said it months ago; the Manticore investigation was a favour Eyes Only was doing for him. His love for Max drove him to protect her and hers… and it left him high and dry when she rejected him.

Asha tried to convince him to keep his hopes up that Max would eventually call. She pointed out that Max was a loner, that the whole notion of caring for someone else freaked her out. That all this relationship stuff was new to her… and Alec (his brush off the other night hurt Asha more than she cared to admit). But somehow the mention of Alec just made Logan stiffen even more.

Logan stood on the roof of the nearby building despite his abject fear of heights, and watched while men systematically shot up and destroyed his penthouse apartment. The utter calm in which he watched belied his inner turmoil (and terror). It was over then. Logan had no doubt that it was White and the NSA who had traced the last cable hack. They were the only ones likely to have the budget and equipment to pull that complicated a trace off, and he no doubt pissed them off with his pro-transgenic Eyes Only hacks when they were trying to keep the whole thing under wraps. But given the givens, if White traced Eyes Only to his apartment then it won’t be long before the game was up, and they were led to Logan Cale, freelance journalist.

Logan packed what gear he managed to gather, his files and stuff, in Bessie and climbed in, all set to leave Seattle while the getting was good. He picked up his cell to call Max and let her know that he was heading out. After a moment’s thought he threw the phone down in disgust. Why the hell should Max care if he stuck around or not? She had Alec now, a boyfriend she could actually touch; and she had made it clear that she considered Logan to be a third wheel. The sooner he was out of her way the better.

 
Max shook her head as she packed a bag. She felt bad that she was cutting out on Original Cindy, but the fact was her boo was probably safer with her gone. There was nothing else to stay here for. It wasn’t safe for Logan when a simple touch could kill him, Joshua cut out and was heading to Terminal City; hell, it wasn’t like Alec needed her. What did she have to stick around for?

Cindy thought she should tell Logan she was leaving, but Max couldn’t. It was better if she just disappeared, easier. No questions, no recriminations. Logan would be safe. So she hopped on her bike and headed off, unaware that she had passed Logan’s Aztec in the night.

Logan stared at the partition long after Max had gone. She was a tough one to make out, that was for sure. Maybe she had been dating Eric, maybe not; Eric wouldn’t be the first guy who lied about being with a beautiful girl like Max to scare off competition. Heck, Logan had even done it himself, once or twice.

Not that Logan was competition. As he had told Max, they don’t have that kind of relationship. It was straight quid pro quo—she does legwork for him, he finds information on Zack and her other ‘sibs’ for her. Simple. So why the knee jerk reaction when she suggested he was jealous?

Even with everything that had happened this past year, it was still surreal for Logan to hear Max talk about cat mating cycles. It made sense when you thought about it, what with the feline DNA and all; but it was still an odd excuse for missing dinner. With anyone else he would have been paranoid that it was just a crazy excuse, but Max’s life was odd enough that it could be the truth.

It was hard for him to sit there and listen to her ‘confess’ to not staying home, the unspoken implication that she found someone and slept with him practically echoed in the silence. But he could hear the desolation in her voice, the grief. He could tell that she really hated what the condition did to her, and all of a sudden he wanted to make it better for her. She was more than the sum of the genes that Manticore spliced together in her, and it was time she knew it. He was suddenly filled with a sense of love for the girl, and he stood to walk over to her, revealing his surprise.