WONDERS of the 21st Century

Gender Bender, or: A Boy named Sue??.....by Coralynn

Eleanor approaches the house and hears the unmistakable sound of a woman crying hysterically. She rushes inside to find everyone home, clustered around Bethiah, who is weeping and trying to speak through it.
"What has happened?" Eleanor is alarmed. Bethiah is not known to cry easily, in fact, she has never seen her cry in the 6 months she has known her.
She catches an occasional phrase, like "how could he?" and "A woman!"

Eleanor becomes incensed.
"He has another woman!?" she asks, getting Bethiah's attention, as well as that of the others. "What a beast. What a creep!"
"Creep, Eleanor?" William lifts one eyebrow.
"Creep, William. That's the way the people in this century speak. Get with the program!"
She continues to wait for Bethiah to confirm that Steven, her boyfriend, has another woman.
"Nooooo," Bethiah says between crying jags, "He doesn't have another woman. He IS another woman!"
No one knows what on earth she's talking about.
"His name is not Steven," Bethiah is now beginning to get herself under control enough to speak in sentences, "He told me his real name!"
"OK, so it's George, or Henry or Robert, so what?" William says impatiently.
"Noooo, his name is Mary Alice!" Bethiah cries out.
The others look at each other, and not one of them has anything but a befuddled expression.
Everyone sits. This could take a while.
Bethiah grabs a tissue and blows her nose, then also sits, and tries to explain.
"I am almost as confused as you are," she starts, "But Steven was born a girl. His name, or her name, was Mary Alice. He wanted to be a man, instead, because he said he felt like one anyway, besides, they get paid more on their jobs, and then he said a bunch of other stuff I don't recall, but he was NOT born a male."
"But he is so gorgeous and muscular," Rosamond insists, "He is allllllll man."
"To make matters worse," Bethiah goes on, "He has decided to go back to being a woman again. This time he says he wants to be called Elizabeth. Elizabeth!!!!!" and with that she commences sobbing once again.
"This is so highly unlikely, I cannot believe it!" Eleanor states.
John has said nothing. He is wondering what on earth this 21st century is all about. He has heard of marvelous medical breakthroughs, but this is ridiculous.

Rosamond can't stop herself from asking, "Did you not notice something amiss when you laid with him, Bethiah?"
"I did not lay with him!" Bethiah is scandalized.
"Ohhh yeah, you're such a Puritan!" Rosamond concludes.
"That is unkind," Bethiah says meekly, "I hated the Puritans, they were mean, they had such strict rules, and they all but killed me. Remember Caleb? Remember my brute of a husband?" everyone nods yes.
William puts his arm around her shoulders. "Bethiah, we know that what you say is what you think you heard Steven tell you, but it sounds so unlikely. Are you sure you understood him clearly? A female, then a male, then back to a female, this is more than I can figure, Beth, and I am extremely intelligent, as you know."
Bethiah nods yes through her tears.
"I'm going on the Internet!" Eleanor announces, getting up from her chair with the lever on the side, "I am going to find out what this whole thing is about! I also want to go over to Steven's house and give him or her a piece of my mind! What a creep! If he didn't want to see you anymore, Beth, he could have just said so, instead of making up such a stupid excuse!" and with that she goes into the other room to use the computer.
Rosamond's mind wanders to the man Celeste told her she would meet within a month or so. The time is nigh well UP.
"Men are dogs! Not one is worth having!!" she flings over her shoulder as she marches to the back of the house where the workmen are finishing up their construction acitivities for the day.
She flashes them a big smile, then quickly turns to see if the others were watching

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Part 83: Chippendale's; It's Not Your Mother's Cartoon anymore............by Terri


Eleanor knocks on Rosamond's door. "Rosie, we have to do something to cheer Bethia up. She's locked in her room and is going to pieces. I hear her sniffling and sobbing."
Rosamond looks up from her vanity. Cosmetics are strewn all over the top.
"Well, I don't know what to do. Maybe shopping--that's always a good pick me up!"
Yeah, you'd know about shopping AND pick ups, wouldn't you, Rosamond? Eleanor thinks. "No, I was thinking of something that would broaden her horizons. Something fun. But Bethia, being a former Puritan, probably wouldn't go for it."
Eleanor explains what she has in mind. Rosamond's eyes grow round. "Think we can pull it off?"
"Sure!" Eleanor waves assuredly.
Together, the two of them knock on Bethia's door. "Come in!" sniffles Bethia.
Rosamond sits on the bed and puts her arm around Bethia. "Look, Bethia, men can be such beasts. But I have never heard of a he-she or a she-he or whatever he wants to be. I still can't believe you didn't take him for a test drive, though! How would you know he would be any good....?"
Eleanor interrupts Rosamond before she gets in too deep. "Look, Bethia, we want to take you to a Chippendale show. It's what we all need. I know I could use the relaxation and Rosamond can focus her energy on her fantasies!"
Bethia blows her nose. "Weeeelllll....I guess it would be OK. Disney cartoons are really wholesome. Little Will just loves the Disney Channel. I think he really likes the one when Chip and Dale meet Clarice. You know, when she starts to sing, 'Little boy....' ".
Rosamond starts to say, "But, Bethia, we mean...." but by then Eleanor has grabbed Rosamond by the hair and is dragging her to her feet. "Oowwww, you witch!"
Rosamond yells. Eleanor drags her out the door.
Sweetly she says, "Come on Rosie, I will do your hair in that updo that you like so well. See you downstairs in 15 minutes. I think it would be best if John and William didn't know of our plans. You know how infantile William's taste in cartoons are. He will want to tag along and this should be 'chick night'. "
As Bethia closes the door, Rosamond yells at Eleanor. "Are you nuts?! She will flip! She thinks she is going to a Chip and Dale film festival!"
Eleanor just smiles knowingly. "She'll thank us for it in the morning!"
As they scramble downstairs, they run into Henry VIII with a gallon of Edy's ice cream and a big spoon. "Hey, fnjuje mkkdi kfbdj?" "None of your business!" Eleanor yells. The man is beginning to eat them out of house and home.
William is out in the garden, setting out his tomato plants. "So where are the three of you off to?" "Oh, just shopping! It will cure Bethia's ills. Brighten her spirits." Eleanor blithely replies. Rosamond can't resist. "Where is John?"
William replies absentmindedly. "Oh, I don't know. He seems to disappear for hours a couple of nights a week. I think he may go to the library or maybe he is seeing that woman down the street who works in the law department at the university. You know how John admires a woman with brains."
Rosamond stands there with her mouth open. "That's what you think, William!" Then she angrily stalks towards the car.
The three women head down the parkway towards the City, the covertible top down and the cool evening air blowing in the faces.
Bethia just sighs. Eleanor pulls up in front of a place called "Chippendales's of Broadway" Bethia looks confused. "Since when do Chip and Dale have their own theater?" Eleanor just giggles wickedly. Rosamond is still pouting and wondering if John was with that...frumpy brainiac.
Eleanor holds the door open. Their eyes are adjusting to the dark. Eleanor is delighted. Bethia screams and puts her hands over her eyes.
Rosamond gets them a table near the stage. Bethia is aghast. "Where are we?
Not...not...in this den of iniquity?!"
Eleanor motions over the waiter. "I'll have a Scotch and soda, a Pink Lady for the whiny little lady here, and the trampy one will have a 'Between the Sheets'...or maybe a Brass Monkey!"
But Rosamond's eyes grow large. The waiter locks eyes with all of them and puts his tray down around his G-string.
Eleanor bursts out laughing, Bethia covers her eyes again and Rosamond sits mesmerized.
There in a G-string and nothing else stands their very own John Gwinnett!

It was hard to tell who was more embarrassed, John or the girls.



Eleanor asks, "What in blazes are you doing HERE, John?"
Rosamond is speechless. Bethia just sits with her eyes covered, moaning, "This can't be happening, this can't be happening...."
John still has his tray in front of him, covering himself up with the disk like a gladiator would use a shield.
"Well, the owner called me to fill in for a couple of nights a week for about a month. You see, Giovanni's wife just had a baby and he is staying home with them. It's only temporary," he says defensively. "Besides, the money is good and it's not too bad as long as the customer obeys the 'three foot' rule."
Eleanor says jokingly, "Well, monkey boy, away with you and fetch our drinks."
As John walks off, tray now behind him to cover his buns, Eleanor whispers conpiratorially to the girls. "Not too shabby!"
Bethia is still in a state of shock. I guess you can take the girl out of Puritan Southold but you can't...well, you know the rest!
All Rosamond can whisper to herself, "He looks even better in a G-string than in the shower!"
John returns with their drinks, but makes sure he stands on the side of the table that is in the shadows. "Of course, I would appreciate it if you had the good sense and taste not to mention this to Henry or William...ESPECIALLY William!"
"Consider it our little secret...stud!" Eleanor reachs over and slips five dollars in the G-string. As John turns, Eleanor grabs his G-string and lets it snap.

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Part 84 and a HO HO HO to you, too!!.....by Coralynn

It is morning, and as Henry8 enters the house, sleeping bag and all, he is hopping, as he has yet to take off the sleeping bag.
He makes a thumping sound on the deck outside, then the others hear a thump, thump, thump, as he makes his way to a chair and sits heavily upon it.
"That is about all I can take of living in a tent!" he announces, then, looking at William, makes his eyes narrow and mouth purse.
"You said this sleeping bag is good to 20 below zero, whatever that means, but it is too bloody cold out there and I have about had enough. NO, you don't; that does not mean I wish to return to Court. Far from it!!! If I am to reside in the back yard, I am going to have to have a room with real walls. What say ye?"
William and John have been seated at the table drinking their morning coffee, and hear the 3 women emerging from their rooms.
"Let us ask Eleanor what should be done," William uses a cop-out.
Henry looks aghast; Eleanor has made no secret of her extreme dislike for Henry8, but then, he reasons, she makes her dislike of almost everyone very obvious. Is there anyone Eleanor likes?
Eleanor is the first woman to the table with her coffee. She lets her gaze run over Henry8, sitting as he is all bundled up.
"You almost look like Santa Claus!" she laughs, "Why don't you divest yourself of that big red sleeping bag, Henry? Are you hoping to be in the Macy Parade, is that it?"
"What is a Macy Par......" Henry8 begins, but is cut off by William, who slaps the table and says, enthusiastically, "That's IT!! You shall be the Santa in the Macy Parade!"
Everyone looks at William with puzzlement.
"I'm on the parade committee this year," he explains, "And they have yet to decide on who will be the Santa Claus. You would be perfect, Henry, and since you would be paid for this, you may get the funds to build your own little hut, or, better yet, re-do the storage shed out back."
Henry8 is still looking at William with incomprehension on his face.
"I'll take you to the City with me today and you can audition for the part. You'll have to be willing to wear the costume they give you, and under no circumstances are you to tell them who you really are. You'd better get into some clothes and be ready to go in about 20 minutes."
Henry8 still has a blank expression, but decides to go along with William. What has he to lose after all? But he realizes he has a problem and tells William that the clothes Bill was kind enough to purchase for him, and for which he has yet to repay, are at the cleaners.
"Hmmmm, let's see what I might have in my room," William tells him dubiously.

Rosamond approaches the table and sits as far from Henry8 as she can and still be in the same room.
This is not lost on Henry, and he fixes her with a glaring look.
"So you tried to get away from me, did you, Rosamond? I heard all about your little ruse. It appears you did not succeed, as here I indeed AM!" he finishes with a flourish of his right arm, knocking over his coffee cup.
"You lay one hand on me, Henry," Roseamond warns, "And you will be put out on the street literally. Mayhap they can take you into one of the homeless shelters, but you won't be living HERE if you don't keep 20 feet away from me at all times, do you understand??"
William backs her on this,
"We are living here as friends, and we do not and will not put up with any hijinks, Henry. No sneaking into someone's bedroom at night for an assignation. No....."
"Hanky-panky!" Eleanor finishes his sentence for him.
"Where DO you come up with these expressions?" William asks her.
"As much as you think you blend in, William dear," Eleanor tells him, "You do not know modern expressions, and eventually someone is going to figure out you are from some other time frame. I have a list of modern slang which I printed out from a computer website I found, and I would recommend you all read it and incorporate this way of speaking into your conversations."
Bethiah is now also seated at the table,
"I read through the list of words and expressions, Eleanor, but since Stephen is out of my life, why should I get up to date? He or she or whatever Stephen is won't be around to notice," and with that a tear slowly snakes its way down her cheek.
"You are hopeless, the lot of you!" Eleanor proclaims, then softens it for Bethiah, and turning to her, says "You do not need to worry yourself, Beth, you at least comport yourself with dignity. These others," gesturing around the table, "behave in a louder, more obvious way. It is only a matter of time before one of them gives away our secret!"
William coughs, sputters, and retorts, "YOU are the one who came here insisting on being treated as a Queen, associating with what you deemed Royalty, remember calling Bill the King?! You are the last one to critique the rest of us!" and with that he gets up from the table, all but dragging Henry8 with him.
"Time to put on something a little more appropriate than that sleeping bag, Henry. Follow me and I'll see if something I wore before I lost those 50 pounds, might fit you."
William and Henry disappear into William's room.
The others breathe a sigh of relief.

When William and Henry emerge from William's room a few minutes later, the group sitting at the table begins to laugh. Here is Henry8 in clothing stretched to the maximum amount before busting out the seams.
Henry8 is walking slowly, as the suit he has on is tight and retricts his range of motion.
"Yep! Looks like Santa to ME!" Eleanor proclaims, as she leaves the kitchen, giving William a swat with the newspaper she's been reading. "Watch out, New York! Here comes Santa Claus!"

Vinny Paponetti sees William at his regular bus-stop, and, as he opens the door to let him board the bus, asks who his friend is.
"This is Henry, a visiting relative!" William tells Vinnie, "and, Henry, this is Vinnie Paponetti, one of our good friends."
It is difficult for Henry to board the bus, as the steps up to it require him to move his bulging legs upward, which is almost impossible in the tight pants he's wearing.
William sees his dilemma and pulls him on board. By the time he has Henry deposited in one of the seats, Henry's face is red and blotchy. He is breathing so hard you can hear it all over the vehicle.
"Did you arrange for us to ride in this contraption, William, knowing how difficult it would be for me? Are you trying to torture me so that I will go back to Court?"
"Not at all! Not at all!" William assures him, "This is the mode of transportation we take from our house to the train station. We do this almost every day."
"Train station?" Henry is not sure what that is.
William pats him on his left leg for reassurance, and notices a two inch gap in the seam. He hopes the clothing will at least hold up till after the interview.

After the train ride, which Henry pretends to enjoy, they arrive in Manhattan, and go to the building in which William has his TV show.
Luckily the elevators are working, so Henry doesn't have to deal with any more stairs.
As they enter the Studio, William's new Producer, Sally Morrow, approaches. She has been on the job but a few weeks, after an exhaustive search for a replacement for the first producer who decided to leave television work altogether after putting up with William's antics for several months.
Sally is a take-charge type, and a good match for William's blustery ways. No one intimidates Sally, and after a few window rattling yelling matches with William, feels she can hold her own.
"You are not going to shred the turkey," she tells him before he gets a chance to even say Hello. "This is Thanksgiving, William, and we don't shred turkeys before we cook them on this holiday. Tradition, and all that, ya know?"
"My suggestion was a good one, Sally, but if for some reason the tradition is to cook the turkey forevermore in the oven, then so shall it be. But I contend that shredding it first makes it cook a lot faster!" and with that he steers Henry, who has been standing there with his mouth gaping open, to a desk upon which William keeps his recipes and has a phone.
"Why didst you allow that wench to speak to your thusly?!" Henry asks, "is that the way the women are in this century?"
"No different than any other century, Henry. Which century do you think produced Eleanor? Think about it!" and with that he places a phone call.
Henry8 does not stand for any length of time before his legs hurt him, gout and all, so he attempts to lower himself onto a chair near William's desk.
rrrrriiiiipppppp.
William is talking with someone on the phone when he hears the unmistakable sound of material ripping.
"I'll bring him right over, then, Hal," he says into the phone, "and could you do me a huge favor? Would you meet us at the door with the largest Santa suit you have so that my friend Henry can put it on before he enters the audition room? (pause) XX-large? Don't you have a bigger size? (pause) Wonderful, four X would be just right. I know, I know, you haven't been able to find a Santa who could properly fill out that size in a good long time. Well, Hal, this year I don't think you'll have to resort to padding to make your Santa fat and jolly!" he seems to be laughing and sharing a joke with Hal, then hangs up.


As William and Henry approach the Macy parade office, William tells him to say nothing but "Ho Ho Ho!"
"Why?"
"Because Santa Claus says that. If you say it with your deepest voice, you'll get the job. If, however, you start to expound on what an important Monarch you are, and how you had six wives and dispatched some of them to the hereafter, you will ruin it for yourself and possibly even the rest of us, so keep your big mouth shut Say "Ho Ho HO" and nothing else.
The box containing the suit is passed to them through the door by Hal, and the two men go into the Men's Room to change.
As Henry unfurls this costume from the box he comments, "This is not a very flattering outfit, William. This is not modern, is it? This is all red, ALL red. Not my very best color!"
"Put it on!" William commands him.
Now, William is one of the only people on the planet Herny8 will listen to and sometimes obey, so he doesn't give him the hard time he would give were it anyone else.
There is a lot of tussling as he attempts to peel off the suit he is already wearing. It fits like the skin of a sausage.
That accomplished, he begins to don his Santa outfit.
"My, now this is comfortable, William," he comments, "even if it is a bad color for me. It isn't tight. What am I supposed to do with this?" he holds up the white beard and wig.
"You need a long white beard, and the one you have is not good enough, so this is taped on over top," William tells him as he affixes the beard to Henry's face.
Henry turns to see his reflection in the mirror. He reels backward, "This does not look like me!"
"That may be the best part of this whole job, Henry, the fact that you are incognito. Remember, now, just "HO HO HO!"

The two men enter the audition room. There are but three applicants ahead of them. As they sit and wait their turn, the other men, all shorter and thinner, look at Henry8, get up, and leave.
"My, now there's a stroke of luck!" Henry says cheerfully. "WE shall be next!"

Hal ushers them into the audition room. There are several other people seated at a table with legal pads open before them, obviously making notes about each applicant.
"And you are......." asks the woman who has taken charge.
"HO HO HO!" Henry blasts forth in his deepest voice.
"That's quite remarkable," the woman comments, "but what is your name?"
William didn't prepare Henry for this question, and leaps up.
"His name is Henry Claus, a distant relative of Santas!"
Even William considers that a weak answer, but that's all they're going to get!
The chairwoman continues, "Have you any experience playing Santa?" she asks Henry.
"HO HO HO!" comes the answer.
The others write something down on their papers.
"Just say yes or no, sir," the chairwoman insists.
William again feels he has to save this mess he's made.
"He played Santa in several Christmas pageants in DesMoines, Iowa," he lies.
The committee at the table write on their pads.

Hal then steps in and tells Henry8 to please position himself on a mock throne they have in the room, to see how he looks on that.
Henry thinks it's a throne, too, and happily plops himself down on it.
"Where's my crown?" he asks, then, realizing what he's done, claps his hand over his mouth.
"Ha ha ha ha!" William again tries to save the day, "Henry has a great sense of humor. He looks perfect for the part, do you not agree?"
Everyone sitting at the table nods that indeed Henry is the living image of Santa.

Henry and William are then instructed to please await the decision of the Committee back in the waiting room.
By this time Henry is becoming agitated.
"That was just awful, that was humiliating!" he complains to William, but before the latter man has a chance to reply, the door reopens and they are called in.
"Mr Claus, you have the job!" the Chairwoman informs Henry. "You will be expected at a rehearsal tomorrow, then the next day is Thanksgiving, and you'll be sitting on our Santa float. You then will work inside our store till the day before Christmas, as the children will want to tell you what they want for Christmas. This entire job will pay you 35 grand."
"Graaaaaaa....." Henry begins to ask, but William bustles toward the others, shaking hands, saying he will be glad to deliver Henry to the rehearsal, everything is under control and so forth.

As they leave the Macy parade office, and William hears the door click behind them, he begins to relax at last.
Henry has no idea what he just signed on for. This is going to be a lonnnng night, William ruminates, as he will have to educate the great oaf about everything. Everything.
"I shall wear this costume home, William," Henry says happily, "As that suit of yours is in tatters."
This is true.

On the way home on the train and also on the bus Vinnie drives, Henry8 causes quite a stir. Children approach him, want to sit on his lap, which of course he refuses to allow, pushing them off as fast as they get on.
William groans.........this is going to be a long, long night!!!!

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Thanksgiving Day begins early for William and Henry8. They have to have Henry at the parade headquarters by 7am, so the two men take Eleanor up on her offer of a ride into the City, as the regular buses and trains aren't running as often as they did on regular weekdays.

"Hurry along, you two!" she scolds them, as they struggle into her car. Henry has donned his Santa outfit right away, and it makes him apear even larger than he is, if such a thing could be. He tussles around in the back seat trying to get the seat belt to cover his immense girth.

"They don't make these things for regular people, do they??" he says in a fit of peak.

Neither Eleanor nor William are willing to take on that argument, so they don't respond.

"How did the parade practice go yesterday, Henry?" she asks.

"Ohhh, there wasn't much to do," he tells her, "They showed me where to sit and what gestures to make and how to rock back and forth like I was having a good time, which, of course, I was not, but I need the money so I can build myself a decent room to live in and I need to before the snow begins."

"It should snow anytime," Wililam informs them, "Rosamond's addition is just wrapping up now. She said the plan is for little Will to move into his new room over this next weekend."

"I still think I should have the room," Henry sulks.

As they come into Manhattan, the traffic is thick. Eleanor weaves her car in and out of the lanes of traffic, almost clipping some of the other cars. A few of the drivers gesture out the window and honk their horns. She pays no heed.

They have to park a considerable distance from the parade route, as the streets have been blocked off for the event. Parking lots are full; parking garages are almost full. Eleanor drives up and down over and over to find a parking space. This goes on for quite some time, and Henry8 is starting to smoulder.

"I'll be late if you don't hurry up, Eleanor!" he insists.

"Henry," she slows almost to a stop as she turns around to face him, "I will dump you out right here if you can't control your mouth. Now, start helping me look for an empty parking space!"

About five minutes pass before they see someone pulling out of a space. Eleanor gets ready to zoom right in, but is not leaving the other car enough room in which to pull out. The driver of the other car is getting annoyed and rolls down his window;

"LOOK lady," he yells, "If ya want dis space yer gunna hafta back up ter let me out!"

"That man is not being polite," Henry says, as he opens the back seat door and steps out. He approaches the other car.

"You will not address Eleanor of Aquitaine in such a manner, peasant!" he yells right up in the man's face.

"Peasant?!" the man is becoming enraged, "I'LL show you 'peasant'!" and with that he pulls on his brake, exits the car and punches Henry in the face. Henry reels backward and falls on the oily garage floor, blood streaming from his nose onto his fake white Santa beard.

As fate would have it, there's a family walking by. A family with 4 children. Young children. They rush up to Henry, "Daddy! Daddy! This man just killed Santa Claus!" they chime.

The oldest boy begins to kick the hapless motorist in the shins, and the smallest child begins to scream.

"Santa! He killed Santa!"

Henry gets up from his prone position and says sternly,

"I am not dead, and I am not Santa Claus!"

The two youngest children begin to cry.

Their mother approaches Henry and stomps on his instep. "How dare you say that? You have ruined my children's Christmas!" then, trying to molify the young ones, she tells them, "That isn't the REAL Santa, anyway, children. The real Santa is going to be in the parade......right at the end of the parade, won't that be fun?"

They sniffle and walk on with their parents.

That still leaves Eleanor idling the engine in her car, waiting to park. The motorist finally backs out far enough, and she pulls in.

She yanks on the emergency brake, "This is going to be hell!!!" she announces.




When the three finally reach the parade headquarters, one of the managers is pacing, and, upon seeing their Santa finally arrive, hurries over and complains,
"You're late! And what is that blood all over your white beard? We don't have an extra! We didn't think we needed one. No other Santa has ever shown up bloody!
Can you wash that off?" and he leads Henry to a men's room.
Since Eleanor and William are no longer needed, they position themselves down the parade route a ways to see as much as they can.
It's a windy day, though sunny.
"At least it isn't raining!" William says cheerfully, "Henry would never cooperate at all if he had to ride in the rain."
"You call what he's doing cooperating?" Eleanor chides.
"He's doing as well as can be expected," William says, nodding his head in agreement with himself.

Quite a bit of time passes before Santa is due at the spot where William and Eleanor have themselves positioned.
William shades his eyes with his hand and says, "I think I see him down the street a ways....yes, that's him. What on earth is he doing?!"
Eleanor peers down the street as well.
"He has a woman sitting with him in the sleigh. Is that normal?"
"I don't think so!" William ponders, "Though this is the first Macy parade I've ever seen."
As the Santa float comes ever closer, William and Eleanor become more concerned.
"Ohhhhh my gosh," she panics, "He's kissing that woman! Oh no! I doubt Santa is supposed to do that!"
"Pretty sure he isn't." William agrees.
Parade managers are running alongside trying to get Henry's attention. They keep yelling "NO! NO!"
"HO HO HO!" Henry booms forth, misunderstanding the managers' words
He then proceeds kissing the woman, who appears to be struggling, but in vain.
One of the parade managers stands by William, wringing his hands, and tell him "That's one of the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes he snagged. This is a disaster!"
Another parade worker is dispatched to stop Henry. This one leaps into the sleigh and begins to wrest the Rockette from Henry's iron grasp.
Henry tosses the man over the side onto the street. The poor man lands right in front of a marching band, which causes the members of the band to break rank and march around him.
William has about had enough.
He leaps onto the sleigh.
"HENRY! STOP!" he demands.
Henry looks over at him and grins, "Not bad, aye William? Methinks I shall be Santa very year!"
"LET HER GO, HENRY!" William yanks at him, and in desperation smacks him in the face. The blood again commences to flow from his nose down over his beard.
He is temporarily distracted, and the Rockette is able to reach a parade worker who lifts her down.
"I'll SUE!!!!" she yells as she is escorted to safety.

"Nice ride, aye, William? Want to ride to the end of the parade with me?"
"NO!" and William somehow is assisted down onto the street again.
He then rejoins Eleanor. "Why did I think Henry would be able to behave for two short hours, as long as it takes the parade to finish. Why?!"
Eleanor shakes her head and makes no comment, which is just as well, as loud screaming is heard just down about a half block.
The entire group moves down to see what the problem is.
The family with the four children have just spotted "The REAL Santa." The mother is trying to calm them, saying, "This isn't the same one we saw in the garage. This is the REAL one!"
"No, it's the same one! The one with the bloody beard!" which sets the moppets off again.
William groans, "wait till I tell the others back at the house. They won't believe it!"
"Sure they will, William; they're watching it on television!"

This is true.
John and Rosamond and Bethiah are in shock, then they begin to laugh.
This is the kind of laugh that, once started, is almost impossible to stop.
They contort, they roll on the floor, tears stream down their faces.
"What do you think the chances are he'll collect his 35 thousand dollars?" Bethiah asks the others.
"When pigs fly!" John answers, and they again go into gales of laughter.

******** ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* ******* *******

Part 86: Who wants to be a MILLIONAIRE?...by Coralynn

The others are gathered in the dining room having dinner when William rushes into the house announcing, "My TV show is going national!"
"National?" queries Beth.
"That means it's being broadcast all over the country, not just locally. There is even a possibility it could be picked up by some TV stations in other countries!" William is beaming, "I will get more money, as well! I'm so happy about this I may even help Henry build his little 'domain' out in the back yard!"
Henry8 comes to attention at the mention of his name.
What say you, William, that you will pay for my castle?"
"Forget the idea of a castle, you megalomaniac!" Eleanor says sharply, "You'll be lucky if you're able to fit a bed and a dresser into your 'domain' as you call it!"
"Ahhhhh, Eleanor," Henry chides, "Know you not that a King must always live like a King?"
"If you want to live like a King, Henry, I suggest you go back to Court!" William puts in. "Can you imagine the reaction of the neighbors should a Castle, even a small one, be built in our back yard?"
Bethiah and Rosamond enter the room, each bringing some hot steaming dessert.
"It's supposed to be flambe," Rosamond complains, "but it won't light. I put fire to it and it fizzles out. Cooking is a waste of time."
"Did you put rum over it first?" William inquires. "The alcohol in the run is what burns."
"Ohhhh, now you tell me!" Rosamond sits down with a plunk into her chair, "Did you know that, Bethiah?"
"I was told I must never cook with spirits!" Bethiah informs everyone, "They will make you drunken and you will then commit sin."
The others shake their heads.
"Bethiah, dear," Eleanor pats Bethiah's arm, "You have been drinking 'spirits' for months now, did you not know?"
Bethiah's eyes become alarmed, "NO!"
"The tasty red liquid in that pretty fluted glass is wine, dear, and it is considered 'spirits''."
John laughs, "Beth, we have to shake off that early training and do our own thinking. Surely you have ridden yourself of the cruel rules laid upon you by the Puritans in many, many ways. You are becoming a true 21st Century woman now. Just remember, nothing to excess."
"Like me, Beth," Rosamond explains, "I have but one married lover, and that was long ago or so it seems. Now, had I had 5 or 6 married lovers, that would be excess, do you see?"
"No offense, Rose," Bethiah tries to sound friendly and not condemning, "but even one married lover is wrong. Wrong. You should be repenting....."
"OK!" William has to break this up. Every now and again Bethiah lapses into her Puritan mode, and if it goes on too long she makes Rosamond angry. That tension is not good for the household.
"NOW," William proceeds, "Do you want to know my other piece of good news?"
Everyone nods yes.
"Now that I am a TV star from one end of the country to the other, I have been invited to appear on Celebrity Who Wants to Be A Millionaire!"
"I saw that show a few times," John comments, nodding.
Eleanor twists her face in confusion. "You have to know all kind of things, though, William, many of them very modern. How are you going to handle that?"
"Did I not tell you that I am the most intelligent being ever to trod the earth?" William becomes agitated.
"But.....still.......there are questions you can't possibly answer, William," Eleanor goes on, "like who fought at the Battle of Bull Run?"
"They won't ask that!"
"They might!"
"But they won't. They will deal with classic literature and English royal history, and....."
"Science!" John adds, "I've been reading this science book and it's full of great things I never heard of back in 1640. How could you, having lived in the 11th Century, possibly be up to date on science?"
"Give me the book," William advances toward John, grabbing up the volume, "I shall read it tonight and then there will be no question in science that I do not know. Any other useful suggestions?"
"Don't they let you take one person to sit in the audience as your Important Other?" Rosamond asks, the wheels in her mind spinning as she sits up straighter and smiles.
"Significant other!" Eleanor corrects her. "Who will you take?"
"Bill! I'll ask Bill to go with me!" William says, very satisfied with his choice.
"And what will you say your relationship with Bill IS?" John wants to know.
"A friend, just a friend. Think he'll do it? I should phone him right now and ask," William walks to the phone and begins dialing.
The others commence discussing how having Bill at the TV show will play out.
"Won't he cause quite a stir, being so well known?" Rosamond asks.
"I should think so!" Eleanor agrees, "in fact, being a former King, I mean, President, he will be the focus of all the attention. Hope William knows what he's doing!"
Henry8 feels it necessary to bring them up to date, "Bill told me that he is just a regular guy, like I am a regular guy, and I think he's a good choice. He'll keep William from doing foolish things."
"He'll keep WILLIAM from doing foolish things?!" Elearor can't help laughing.

William hangs up the phone, "Bill can't make it. Seems he's in the dog house because he left his dog, Buddy, outdoors when he went somewhere, and the poor beast was hit by a car and killed. His wife is very angry about it. So Bill has been 'grounded' whatever that means. Looks like I have to take one of you."
Rosamond sits up straighter and smiles in her most beguiling fashion.
"Eleanor, will you go with me?" William asks.
Rosamond slumps and sulks. Why does Eleanor always get the good stuff??
"I could do that," Eleanor agrees.
"Wear your Wonder Woman outfit!" Rosamond says gleefully.
"And be laughed off the show?!" Eleanor isn't buying that idea.
William says, "Bill will be one of my phone-a-friends, though. He's smart and he knows who fought at the Battle of Bull Run. So this is all going to work out great. But I am allowed to have several phone-a-friends. Hmmmmm, who do I know who is smart?"
Rosamond again sits up straighter and smiles.
The others look at her and laugh. "You don't know enough to be a phone-a-friend," William gives her the bad news, "for instance, answer this: what Wisconsin City was named after the fourth U.S. President."
"MADISON!" Eleanor answers triumphantly.
The others look at her with their mouths gaping open. How did she know that?
"I have read many books of American history," she explains.
William stokes his chin, "Mayhap you should be a phone-a-friend and I should take someone else to the TV show. You could be quite an asset because, as much as I hate to admit it, Eleanor, you have learned more than the rest of us about the more modern centuries. Yes. John, would you like to go?"
John ponders, then answers, "I have my part time job that evening, otherwise I would gladly accompany you."
The women give each other knowing looks and smile. They know what his 'second job' is.
Rosamond sits up straighter and smiles, which is getting more forced all the time.
"OK! Rosamond, you may go with me to the TV game show! I give up!"
She then smiles a real smile, "You won't regret it, William!"


Part 87: and This is Just the Green Room!!....by Coralynn

William is the first to arrive in the Green Room at the Who Wants to be a Millionarie program. Within a few seconds, a very aggressive female voice is heard outside the door, "I will not sit next to Judge Judy! What a fisaco! I am a f____ star! She is just a crazy person!"
In marches a blond woman with an angry expression, who approaches William and demands, "And who are YOU?!"
"I am William, the Conquering Chef," he answers.
"Chef!! I don't think so! I saw your TV show, and you know nothing about cooking! I, on the other hand, know everything about it, as well as decorating, growing flowers, vegetables, and I know everything there is to know about domestic matters! I have been on TV longer than you, Mr Flash-in-the-pan, and I even have books on the best seller list! You are merely a freaky pretender!" with that she sits with a look of righteous indignation on her face.
William has never come across someone so hostile in the current century, and he is pondering how to respond, if at all, when his problem is solved, as more people enter the Green Room.

"Oooooooo, there you are, you darling man!" a large woman with an obvious wig on her head and big speckled eyeglasses approaches William and sits on his lap. "I just loooooooove your cooking show! Can I be a guest on it sometime soon? I could whip up a very hot dish!" and she winks and tousles his hair.
William smiles and mutters, "I don't think we have met, Madame!"
"Oooooo, how formal you are!! Just like the real William the Conqueror must have been. He's my favorite of all the British Monarchs! So brave, so .... so.....conquering!! But I digress......I am Dame Edna, and you'll notice I have a bit of a British accent as well. We must be countrymen! Ooooooh, I would love to have a country full of big hunks like you!"
"Get off his lap, Edna!" comes the voice of a middle-aged woman with short hair and a crisp no-nonsense expression.
"Judge Judy!!" how wonderful to see you, I am one of your most ardent fans!" Edna enthuses.
"You can be sued for sexual harrassment if you jump on the male contestants, Edna, so for your own sake, desist!" Judy says in an authoritative voice.
Edna does move off William, and, seeing Arnold Swartzeneger across the room, goes over and begins hugging on him. Judy rolls her eyes and sits on one of the couches.
William then notices a dark haired woman who looks like her face has been drawn backward by a fierce wind. My, how tight her skin appears. He wonders if she is suffering some sort of disease.
"I am ss.... glad tt.....be here!" the woman tries to say.
William is alarmed. This poor person has a disfiguring ailment, but what?
"CHER!" Dame Edna shouts as she scurries across the room to the woman with the disfigurement. "Are you going to sing for us tonight??"
Sing? William cannot imagine anyone in her condition being able to sing; the poor woman can hardly speak!
A male voice cuts through the conversational buzz, "I can't be on a TV program with such sinners! No one told me who the other guests would be. Had I known it was to be a group of homosexuals and women's libbers, I would have turned it down!"
Everyone, appearing as on cue, turn and stick their tongues out at the man.

William is not sure just what transpired, but figures it must be something only 21st century people understand, so dismisses it from his mind.
He looks up to see a cheerful looking redheaded woman standing in front of him, extending a business card or something. He gives her a questioning look.
"I'm Fergie, Dutchess of York," the cheerful woman informs him, "And I'm the spokesperson for Weight Watchers. As much as I adore your cooking show on TV, William, I am somewhat dismayed by the high caloric content of most of your dishes. One serving of that chicken and cream recipe you seem so fond of contains 25 points! That's a whole days allotment. I can send over one of my books to your TV studio if you would like to learn how to prepare food in a more health conscious fashion."
This woman is being polite and charming, but William has no idea what she's talking about.
"People weren't concerned with calories back in Medieval times, my dear; they were more concerned with survival. I prepare food in the Medieval way because that's the theme of my show."
"No offense, William, but a study has been done on the effects of your recipes. People who follow them have a 20% weight gain in the first six weeks. Doesn't that bother you?"
William scratches the back of his neck, "This is a new concept, Dutchess!" he has to admit. "I appreciate your conern."
She smiles and moves on.
Well, well, William thinks, now I have to concern myself over how fat people are getting by eating the food I prepare on my cooking show? This certainly is a complicated time in which to live.
Loud voices are heard coming from the far corner of the room. "I'll live any f____way I choose, you pompous windbag!" Oh-oh, the hostile blonde woman again.
William looks around several others who are standing between him and the source of the argument. A large man with little hair is planted right in front of the woman they've been calling Martha.
William hears him say, "You'd be much happier if your were less hostile. Now, what do you really want? You have to name it to claim it. You can stop swearing, too, if you behave your was to success. I know you can do it."
"Success?! Success?!" Martha is on high decibel level here, "I AM a success, in case you haven't noticed. Richer than anyone in this room. I will swear anytime I want to, and you, Dr Phil, can take your psycho-babble back to f_____ Texas with you!"
The others in the room shake their heads; they had heard what a potty-mouth Martha was, and now there is no question that the rumors are true.

A Program Manager enters the room and asks for everyone's attention. After having to request this several times (Martha is on a verbal roll, after all), he then announces,
"We will be starting the broadcast in another fifteen minutes. Please be sure you know which charity you plan to donate your winnings to."
Charity? Oooooo, William cannot think of a charity. Why wasn't he warned about this?
Arnold S tells the people standing near him that he is donating his winnings to a charity for disabled children. Good. William decides he will as well. But again there is a commotion. Who is it this time??
A dark skinnned woman with an exotic face is making the loudest purring sounds William has ever heard. How does she do that?! She is also informing the others that she is keeping all her winnings, as the 25-yr slump in her career has gotten her way behind in her taxes. The others are telling her she can't do that. She says yes she can, they say, no you can't.
Dame Edna comforts the woman. "My darling," she says in a motherly way, "I know how awful it is to get behind in one's taxes. If you will let me do a makeover on you, then you will have more jobs than you know how to handle. For one thing, you need more flambouyance. You need......" and this goes on and on.
The Program Manager is scratching his head, wondering how on earth Regis and the Producers found such an odd group of people. This gang is going to be hard to handle!
"It's time!" he announces, "Everyone on the set!"



Part 88: REGIS and CONTESTANT #1 (the contestant from hell).........by Coralynn

As the group walks down the hall toward the studio where the show is being broadcast, Fergie rushes up to William and says excitedly, "Now I recognize you! You do look like William The Conqueror, or at least the wax image of him in Madame Toussauds Wax Works! Has anyone ever told you that before?"
"Constantly!" William lies, "I decided that if I look like him, I may as well pretend to be him, which has made my cooking show a sensation."
"But the people are getting fat!" Fergie finally becomes agitated, after being so sweet and polite. "Do you want to feel responsible for....."
William stops cold, which causes Fergie to pause in her campaign to reform him. Dame Edna has just run into the men's room.
"Ohhhhh my," he turns to Dr. Phil, who is now walking abreast with him, "Dame Edna is going to be so embarrased! She just entered the men's rest room!"
Dr. Phil laughs good-naturedly, "That's because Dame Edna is a man."
"NO!" William exclaims, then remembers the strange case of Bethia's fiance, who looked so masculine, but turned out to be a woman.
"Yes!" Dr. Phil claps him on the back.
They are now entering the studio, and taking their positions on the chairs. Each place has a hand-held contraption. William wonders what that's for. He was barely paying any attention during the Orientation they were given earlier in the day. Now he wishes he'd listened more carefully.
Everyone is settling onto their chairs when there is a loud explosion of sound,
"SHIT!" is heard coming from a female voice, "I dropped the f____ keypad!"
Oh-Oh, must be Martha.
Dr. Phil glares at her, as do the others.
Before anything else disastrous can happen, Regis begins the show.
"And we have an especially illustrious panel of celebrity contestants! And they are......"
A spotlight suddenly illumates the first contestant.
"Sarah Ferguson, Dutchess of York!"
Fergie smiles and waves at the camera.
"Eartha Kitt!"
Eartha emits a low purring growl. William is still startled by the sound. How does she do that?!
"Cher!"
Cher tries to pull the edges of her mouth back into a smile, but there isn't enough loose skin, so all she shows is her teeth. William thinks she looks like a dog in attack mode. The poor woman!
"Judge Judy!"
Judy gives the camera a piercing look.
"Dr. Phil McGraw!"
At the sound of his name the audience goes into thunderous applause. Women stand up and throw their bras and panties in his direction. He blushes and shakes his head. William wonders what that is all about!?
"Martha Stewart!"
Martha smiles like an angel. Hmmmmmm, how interesting, William thinks, now that woman knows how to put on an act!!
"Arnold Schwartzeneger!"
Arnold grins and waves.
"Dame Edna!"
Edna waves and winks and purses her lips. William is confused.
"William the Conquering Chef!" Again, much applause with one very old woman standing up, reaching around inside her shirt to unloose her bra so that she can throw it at him. The camera goes to her. She struggles getting the bra out from the armholes of her shirt. Finally, in triumph, she gives it a mighty heave and the garment lands on William's head. He quickly pulls it off and stuffs it under his chair. How embarrasing! The audience is laughing hysterically and can't seem to stop. William just wants Regis to continue, please!!
"And finally, Jerry Falwell!"
Jerry looks upset. Angry. He gets up from his chair and proceeds to leave the studio.
"Bunch of degenerates......." they all hear as he makes his way down the exit hall.
Regis puts on a cheerful face, "Well, now, this is the first time we've lost a contestant! But, as they say, The Show Must Go On!"
The audience goes wild with applause and laughter."Are you ready for the first fastest finger question?" Regis asks the contestants, and, without waiting for an answer, tells them to put in order of age, the following four women: Queen Victoria, Brittney Spears, Elizabeth Taylor and Susan Sarandon.
The camera shows the 9 remaining contestants hovering over their keypads, punching in the answers.
"Time's up!" Regis says cheefully, "Now in the correct order: Queen Victoria, Elizabeth Taylor, Susan Sarandon and Brittny Spears. Let's see who got it right and who got it in the fastest time!"
A screen comes up that shows that everyone but William put the women in the correct order.
He thinks this is ridiculous, who ever heard of Elizabeth Taylor? He also realizes that Eleanor had a point when she said he didn't know enough about modern times.
"The winner is.......Martha Stewart! Come over and sit in the hotseat, Martha!"
She walks over to the hotseat in her most ladylike way, and daintily sites on it.
"Well, Martha, welcome to Who Wants to be a Millionaire! To which charity are you donating your winnings?"
"The Martha Stewart defense fund", she answers.
"No, no, Martha, it has to be a recognized Charity," Regis says as calmly as he can manage.
"My neighbors are so mean to me and give me such a miserable time I spend a lot of time in court. Westport, CT should be blown off the map!"
At that she realizes her 'mask' has slipped terribly, and immediately resumes her angelic smile.
"Seriously, Martha, which charity are you donating to?"
"The Charity for World Peace, Regis. If we all do our small part, and light a candle where we are, soon the planet will be engulfed in love and harmony and peace. I am the founder and president of this organization, and believe you me, it pays to have a fund for world peace. The next time my neighbors take me to court, they'll find out what world peace is all about......"
Regis is aghast, which is pretty unusual for him, as he is known for his unflappability.
He gives up.
"The first question, with the four possible answers is: Which drink has the most calories? a: milk, b: diet Pepsi, c. whiskey or d. mead
"What in hell is mead?!" Martha pops off, then regains her composure and puts on her fake smile.
"See if you can answer the question, Martha, do you wish it repeated?"
"NO! I heard it! Stupid question, but the answer is milk."
"Right!"
William yells out without thinking, "The answer is mead!"
Martha shoots him a poisonous glare.
"Going on," Regis is determined this show will move along no matter what.
"What is the proper ending for this old saying, "a stitch in time saves: a. a tear, b. nine, c. tears or d. twenty
Martha is bored, "NINE!" she says, heaving a sigh. What kind of cockamamie show is this anyway? She never watched it, and now she is beginning to understand why.
Several more questions go by uneventfully. Martha is up to the 250-thousand dollar question.
The lights go dark, with just some light around Regis and his hotseat contestant, in this case, Martha.
"HEY! I can't see!" she objects.
Regis ignores her and asks the question. It is an extremely hard question involving geography.
"Ohhhhhh, I guess it would be the Himalayas," she says in exasperation.
"Noooooooooo, I'm sorry, it's the Andes!" Regis has to give the impression he is disappointed that she will no longer occupy the hotseat.
"But you did well, very well indeed! 32 thousand dollars to.....ah.....what charity?"
"The Fund to get rid of the White Trash and Restore Westport CT to its Former Glory!" she says decisively, and leaves the hotseat. Regis gives his head a quick shake, to see if perhaps some defect in his hearing accounts for what he thinks she just said.




Part 89: Regis and even more strange Celebrity Contestants ...... by Coralynn

Instead of leaving the TV studio, Martha returns to the seat she occupied before she was called to sit in the hotseat. This is highly irregular, but Regis is in no mood to cross swords with her over anything, so he lets it go.

The next fastest finger question has to do with the debut of various Broadway shows. Again, William is one of only two people who do not get them in the right order.
"And the winner is..........Cher!" Regis announces happily. Surely she has to be an improvement over Martha.
Cher smiles weakly and sits on the hotseat.
"Hi Regis," she says, "I'm s--- glad t---see y---- again!"
He cocks his head to the side trying to discipher what she said.
"You are looking marvelous!" he assures her, "Are you appearing in any movies to be released soon? I loved "Moonstruck." Any more like that on the agenda?"
Cher tosses her head and pulls her hair back off her face, "N---they think I'm t----- --ld f-- th----se parts. I am just as young as I ever was!" she says with a flourish and a look of steely determination, "D-- y-- think I l---k y----ng?"
"Why, yes, " Regis replies, "You look like you could be your own child! Who did you bring with you tonight?'
The camera pans over to the person the hotseat person has brought with him or her.
A young man with extremely disheveled hair sits there grinning. His eyes are dilated and he's rocking back and forth like an austistic child.
"My n--- b---yfriend! Rocky!" Cher says happily.
Regis knows the format calls for him to talk with the Significant Other person brought by a contestant, but can't think of one thing to ask this obviously stoned young man who is beginning to drool.
"HI Rocky!" is all he can come up with.
"Haaaaaaaaah yerrrrself!" is the response, which makes this guy look and sound like the village idiot, and then, closing his eyes, appears to have gone to sleep or passed out, it's hard to tell which.
Regis cuts his losses and proceeds to ask the first few questions, which are made as easy as possible so that no contestant bombs out too embarrassingly early.
"First question: Cider is made from which of the following fruits? a. bananas, b. oranges, c. apples, d. mangos?"
"The answer is mang--s, Regis!" Cher answers in a matter of fact way.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
"What an idiot!!!" comes from the direction of the other celebrities. It's clearly a woman, and bears a eerie resemblance to Martha's voice, but Regis again decides not to rise to the bait.
"Your final answer?"
"YES!"
"Ohhhhhh, I'm so sorry, it was apples, who would have known, who would have thought? That one had me stumped as well. Sorry, Cher, we won't be able to award your charity any money tonight."
"That's ----K. Regis" she manages to say, then, looking behind her at her 'new boyfriend' yells "Wake up, you Burned out fool, we're leaving!" The man wakes up and staggers to his feet. Cher is rubbing her face because making all those sounds has strained the muscles to the point where she is checking for tears. Finding none, she marches over to her 'new boyfriend,' yanks him out of his chair and drags him down the exit hall.


Regis is good at helping people save face, and says, shaking his head, "Well, that could happen to any of us!"
"Not bloody likely!" comes a voice with an English accent. Oh-oh, Fergie.
William turns to her and whispers, "Are you supposed to yell out like that?"
"Are YOU supposed to put on 40 pounds and encourage others to do the same?" she whispers back at him.
Regis takes charge again, "We still have seven celebrity contestants waiting to sit in the hotseat! Who will it be next?"
The next fastest finger question is about sports. William knows he is doomed again. Sure enough, he gets it wrong. Too bad you can't use a Phone-a-Friend for this part of the show; Eleanor would know that, she is the Wonder Woman sportscaster on TV, after all. William sighs. This being wrong all the time is becoming depressing.

"And the celebrity who got the the sports teams in the right order in the fastest time is......Sarah Ferguson!"
William wonders how she did that. Hmmmm, she must be a quick study, or, more likely, she just hit the buttons at random and it turned out right. He decides he'll do that next time, why not? At least it'll be fast if nothing else.
Fergie takes her place on the hotseat. She smiles happily and reaches toward Regis to give him a handshake and falls out of the seat on to the floor.
"Oooooops," Regis rushes over to help her up.
"Damn Limey had it coming!" Sounds like Martha again. Regis is seriously considering having her removed from the studio, but how to do that without creating even more of a scene?
Fergie regains her composure and her hotseat.
"Looks like I got overly enthusiastic!" she jokes.
"Dutchess, you have been the spokesperson for Weight Watchers for several years now , isn't that true?" Regis asks, moving things right along.
"Ohhh yes, and I have lost so much weight and kept it off, it's life changing. Did you know that almost everyone in America is grossly overweight?"
"Nooooo, is it that bad?"
"It's like an epidemic of fatness! And one of the major contributors to this is the William the Conquering Chef TV show. Do you know how much fat and sugar this man," pointing at William, "has in his recipes? As if we don't have enough obese people, along comes this clown and makes it worse, much worse."
"You tell 'em, Fergie!" comes Martha's voice.
"Your recipes aren't exactly diet food, either, Martha!" Fergie yells back.
William wonders if there is some niche in which he can hide. These women are out of control. They make Eleanor appear docile compared to them.
Regis tries to ignore the yelling and screaming that's going on between Martha and Fergie, ahhhhhh yes, it continues ever anon.
Dame Edna keeps repeating, "Children, children, pleeeeeeease!"
Eartha Kitt simply emits a low rumbling growl.
"FIRST QUESTION," he says very loudly to yank people's attention back to the show, "Which poet wrote 'Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening? Was it: a. Carl Sandburg, b. Edna St. Vincent Millary, c. Robert Frost, or d. Ogden Nash?"
Quickly Fergie answers, "It's C, Robert Frost, but isn't that an awfully hard question for the very first one? You didn't ask the others things that hard. I knew you made cider out of apples, so why don't I get the easy questions?"
"I just read them, I don't make them up," Regis tells her, trying not to sound defensive.
Fergie gets one correct answer after the other, and when she reaches the one million dollar question, everything goes dark, with just that annoying boom-boom music flooding the room.
"Can't you turn that down?" Fergie asks.
"I just read the questions, I'm not in charge of the music," Regis tells her, hoping she'll stop complaining.
"Here is the question for ONE MILLION Dollars!" oh Regis is loving this, "Which of the following four British Monarchs was a bastard? Was it: Edward the 6th, William the 1st, Henry 8, or Mary Stuart?"
"Mary Stuart wasn't actually a British Monarch!" William yells, not being able to restrain himself. The audience goes "ooooooooooooooo."
"OK," Regis collects his wits, "We will now have another Milion Dollar Question, and please, please, people, do not say anything, ANYthing!"
The ominous music booms away.
"Again, a question about History! And please, we need complete quiet!"
He asks the question and Fergie answers correctly.
Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. The music becomes triumphant. Everyone is hugging Fergie. She is beaming.
Martha is sitting in her chair trying without success to get the confetti out of her hair.
"NOW look what you've done!" she says angrily.
Eartha Kitt simply sits there and makes those purring noises.
Dame Edna is beaming and saying, "Well done, Dutchess! Well done! Isn't she adorable?"
Dr. Phil has gone onto the set and is hugging Fergie, as is Arnold. The place has broken into pandemonium. After quite a long celebration, Regis again positions himself in his regular spot and, unbuttoning his jacket, announces,
"Who knows, perhaps the next celebrity contestant can also win a million! We're on a roll here!"
The next fastest finger question is just as hard for William to answer as the others have been, so he pushes the four buttons on his keypad as fast as he can. He has no idea what order he has put the items in; he just knows whatever he did, he did it super fast.
"And the winner is.............William, the Conquering Chef!" Regis seems to be genuinely glad that William will be in the hotseat.



Part 90: Regis and William................by Coralynn

Regis shakes William's hand and leads him to the hotseat.
"My, you surely do resemble the real William the Conqueror!" he remarks.
"Ohhh?" William queries as he settles in the chair, "how would you know?"
"Ever been to Madame Tusssaud's Wax Works?" Regis says cheerfully.
"No, actually, I haven't," William confesses, but thinks "of course not!!"
Regis rifles through some papers he has before him, his expression becoming more animated as he reads the notes the producers have placed there.
"You live in Westchester County with some other rather famous people, too! Like the Friend you brought with you, Rosamond Clifford."
The camera goes to Rosamond; she waves and chirps "Hi Regis!!"
"Well, now, Rosamond, I know you are on As The Planet Turns, right?"
"Ohhhh, so right!" she beams.
"Did you know the name Rosamond Clifford is famous as there was a woman with that name who was Henry 11's mistress?"
"That's ME!" she beams.
"No, Rosamund, that was her!"
She starts to frown but William's expression of "Don't you dare!" stops her from saying more.
"And," Regis continues, as he becomes even more engrossed in the notes in front of him, "You also share a house with Eleanor of the Renaissance Festival. What an illustrious group you are! She is magnificent! Isn't she now the Wonder Woman sportscaster over on Channel 3?"
William nods yes.
They hear Dame Edna chime in, "Ohhhh and she looks sooooo adorable in that outfit!"
"She looks ludicrous!" oh-oh, Martha again. Regis wishes she'd just up and leave the studio. She's been in the hotseat and she's done!!
Getting control of matters, however, he asks William,
"How many people do you have living with you, William?!
"There were five, then Rose's son Will came to live with us, and hmmm...that makes six"...
"Then there's Henry who lives out in the backyard in a tent!" Rosamond blurts out.
Regis gets a devilish smile on his face, "No, don't tell me! King Henry the second?"
"NO!" Rosamond corrects him, "The eighth!"
Regis is lauging pretty hard by now, but then it doesn't take much to make him laugh, a valuable characteristic in a game-show host.
"Wellll, whatever!" he wipes his eyes and sits up straighter, obviously ready to go on with the next part of the show.
"Ready for your first question, William?!
"Ready!" William agrees.
"What completes this saying: "He who laughs best, laughs.....a. louder b. last c. fastest or d. till he cries?
Eleanor already told William that the "b" answer was usually the right one during these first few questions, so he replies,
"B: last."
"Correct! We're off to a flying start!"
The next few questions are also "B" answers, and William is looking good.
"You could go all the way to the million!" Regis beams.
William's not so sure.
When the questions get harder, the lights dim and that awful music becomes louder.
A science question is asked, and, even though William read an entire Science book the night before, he has no idea which is the correct answer.
He guesses: "C, Regis."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Yes that's your final answer or Yes something else?"
"Yes, that's my final answer!" by now William is beginning to perspire. Why is this beginning to resemble an inquistion?
"That's correct! Wow! You are going all the way! Which charity did you say you'll be giving this money to again?"
"That Charity for disabled children."
"Why did you chose that particular charity?"
"I overheard someone in the green room saying it was a good charity."
"Really!!" It was obvious that Regis was hoping for a more inspiring answer, but, undaunted, he goes on to the next question.
"For 125 thousand dollars: Who was the original Dolly in "Hello Dolly"? Was it a. Barbra Steisand b. Talulah Bankhead c. Ethel Merman or d. Carol Channing?"
William squirms in his chair and asks if he can phone a friend.
"Surely, which friend are you going to phone?"
"Eleanor!" William says decisively.
The phone rings once, rings twice, rings three times, and on the fourth ring it's picked up.
"Hello." It's a male voice.
"John, please get Eleanor to the phone!" William says impatiently.
"This isn't John, it's Henry, you fool!" comes the male voice, "and let me tell you, I am not sleeping in that tent tonight. Too bloody cold!"
"Can't we discuss this later, Henry? I need Eleanor on the phone right now!"
"I'll go get her if you promise I get to sleep inside tonight! I get your room and you can either sleep on the floor or out in that tent in the backyard!"
By now the audience is beginning to make noises of unrest. Regis is showing signs of strain.....little beads of perspiration are forming just in front of his hairline. He picks up a cloth and wipes them away.
Silence.
"OK, but just this once!" William tells Henry, "Now go get Eleanor and do it now!!"
The sound of the phone being laid down hard is audible to everyone.
Silence.
Times passes.
Regis sweats even more and tries desperately to look pleasant, which is becoming more difficult by the second.
Finally the phone is picked up and a sleepy voice says, "William? Where are you? Do you need me to come pick you up in my car? What's the problem?"
"YOU are my phone-a-friend, remember?" he chides, "What were you, asleep?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I was! I get up early in the morning William. I need my rest."
Regis breaks in, "Can you help William with this 125 thousand dollar question, Eleanor?"
Loud yawning is heard, "ooooo kay," she says at the end of the yawn.
Regis re-states the question and Eleanor says, "Just a minute, let me turn on the computer. OK, now, let's see, hello dolly, ohhhh here it is; it's Carol Channing, William, for sure. BYE!" and slams down the phone.
"That was an unusual phone-a-friend experience," Regis says cheerfully, "Are you going with her answer, William?"
"Sure!"
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Carol Channing is your final answer?"
"YES!!!!!!!"
"That's...........right!!!!!" Regis is so relieved.

"Now, for 250,000 dollars, here's the question: ooooh and how appropritate: William the Conqueror was crowned king of England on: a. Dec 25, 1066 b. Jan 2, 1067 c. Dec 26, 1066 or d. Apr 3, 1067?"
The music is pounding by now and Regis looks at William intently, awaiting his answer.
"The Answer is "C" Dec 26, 1066. Final answer."
"Are you sure that's your final answer?" Regis asks nervously.
"Final answer."
"Ahhhhhh, no, it was Christmas day, 1066, that would make it Dec 25th. Ahhhh, so close, too."
"It was the 26th!" William insists
"The History books say it was the 25th."
"Christmas was celebrated on the 26th that year! I should know; I was there!!"
Everyone gasps, including Regis, including Rosamond, and William himself is somewhat taken aback with what he just said.
Being a real trooper, Regis plows ever onward, "We're sorry that we will only be able to give your charity 32 thousand dollars, but still, that's a good sum!"
"You're telling me I got that question wrong?" William cannot believe this is happening.
"Sorry, big fella! But the children will appreciate the amount you are able to contribute. It will add so much to their lives."
William remains in the chair.
"You are free to go now," Regis tries as diplomatically as possible to get him to move it.
William remains seated.
Regis looks for Rosamond in the audience and gives her a look of "Help!"
She smiles back.

This has never happened before. Regis is wracking his brain for what to do next, and in a few minutes decides to go onward.
"Our next fastest finger question is....." and he proceeds to put the remaining contestants to the task.
"And the winner is...........Dr. Phil McGraw!!!"
Dr Phil walks out into the spotlight but doesn't sit in the chair, as William is still occupying it.
As gently as possible he tells William, "It's my turn, now, William."
William glares at him.
"Can I sit there now?" Dr Phil is being patient. Regis, on the other hand, is about to have a nervous breakdown.
Finally Dr Phil whispers something into William's ear, and William gets up and walks out just like that.
"Wow, Dr. Phil, you are a miracle worker!" Regis compliments him, "so are YOU ready for your first question?"

The sound of Regis asking the questions and Dr Phil answering becomes fainter and fainter as William and Rosamond walk down the exit hall.

"What did that man say to you that made you get up from the chair, William?" Rosamond is dying to know.
"He said that if I didn't get out of the chair he'd kick my ass!" comes the answer.

On to the next part of STORY
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