GOIN' TO THE CHAPEL
AND WE'RE......

SLUMBER PARTIES, HIS & HERS...........by Coralynn

As Rose arrived at the Big House, she was met by Marthy and Bess who had also just arrived.
"What's this going to be like?" Bess inquired, "I never heard of a slumber party back in 1777."
"I never heard of them in the 12th century, either," Rose grinned, "But Marilyn knows all about them. She was born in the 20th century!"
"Good!" Marthy says as they enter the house, "Marilyn can tell us what we're supposed to do."
"What you're supposed to do is have a great time!" Marilyn says as she ushers them inside.
Bethia, Eleanor and Celeste are already in the living room, wearing their jammies.
Bess laughs, "Look at you! What cute outfits!"
Marilyn hands the three newcomers packages that contain flannel pajamas, "You go put these on, gals, and we'll start the party!"
Since they're all there, Marilyn gets out her questionares and starts passing them out. When Rose, Marthy and Bess come back from donning their jammies, they get copies as well.
"Is this a test?!" Bess is confused.
"NO!" the others say in chorus, "Eeeeuuuuuu, not a test!"
"No," Marilyn takes charge, "These are a list of things we can talk about. Personal things, even embarrasing things. What you say here will never leave this room!"
The other women look at the questionaires and, putting their heads together, pointing to some of the questions, giggle and stomp their feet.
"Before we start though, ladies, I must bring out the traditional feast of 20th and 21st Century slumber parties," Marilyn goes into the kitchen and returns with big platters of s'mores.
"Ooooooo, yummy!" Bethia says happily, "Just what I was in the mood for, Marilyn. OK, ladies, one, two, three, EAT!"

Cans of soda are also passed around. Marthy pulls the tab and the carbonation makes the fizz fly up onto her face, which makes her gasp, then laugh.
Marilyn puts most of the lights out and gestures for them to make a circle. They grow quiet, looking at her for her next instruction.
"Are you ready to divulge your innermost secrets?" she asks conspiratorially.
Celeste whispers, "You betcha, gal, and I've got some doozies!"
Eleanor puts her arm around Celeste and tells her, "NO! What deep dark secrets do you have from your past?"
Celeste grins and simply says, "Wait and find out, baby!"
They all whoop, "GO Celeste!!"


Over next door at Henry8's castle, the men have gathered also. Luke pulls out his questionarire, the one Marilyn gave him to use for the men's party. He's the only one who knows that the men's and the women's lists are identical. He wishes he could hear what the women say about these five questions, but alas, he's stuck over here with these guys.
Henry is fine, William is great, Roger and Jerry and John are super, but those other two, Daniel and Rafe give Luke pause.
Since he's been put in charge, he tries to follow the pattern Marilyn told him about.
"OK now, men," he begins, "We are not to drink alcoholic beverages".....this is met with massive boooooing, "And we must all retire to our chambers by 1 am"......more booing......."But, the good news is: we get to gossip about women!"
Cheers are heard.
"What in hell are we supposed to drink?" Daniel asks petulantly.
Luke brings in a huge cooler full of soda pop.
Jerry and Roger, the only ones there who were born in the current timeframe, have no problem with this.
Rafe is just confused. He has no idea what soda pop is, and, as he pulls the little tab and is sprayed with the foam, jumps back and spills most of it on the floor.
Luke doesn't want to embarrass Rafe, so he gets some old towels out and mops up while handing the other man a new can.
"Alright, now, gather round, men, because we are going to divulge our deepest, darkest secrets! We are going to talk about.........are you ready for this?........women!"
Roger and Jerry are enjoying this immensely, and, in jest, ask, "You mean we can't talk about world affairs? Sports? The Stock Market?"
Luke isn't sure what those are, but can see the two men are joking, so he replies, "Not unless you want your heads to be dunked in the toilet!"
Everyone gets a gross-out look on their face, and Luke just throws his hands out to the side, palms up and says, "Well, Marilyn told me about that.....think she called it a Swirlie!"
Jerry and Roger laugh and stomp on the floor. The others watch them then join in.


MARILYN'S TURN.............by Terri

Marilyn sighed. "OK, since I have been married three times, I think I have you all beat when it comed to experience. At least in the matrimonial department!"
Rose laughed, "I may have mucked my relationships up but at least some of them I could walk away from!"
Celeste brought out a tray of crudites and ranch dip. Bess sighed. "Diet stuff!" She looked down at herself. "Since I have landed in this century, I have tended to put on a few pounds!"
Marthy said, "I think it's called 'zaftig' but not quite. Plump, maybe?"
Marilyn said, "And that is why we joined the gym!"
Bess said, "Wonder what the guys are eating?"
Eleanor looked out the window. "I see a pizza delivery van out there. Fifteen minutes ago, Fat Boy's BBQ made a delivery. Before that, I saw Dogwater's Cafe drop off a bunch of boxes. Looks like BBQ, pizza and wings! Probably those little onion straws thrown in and I wouldn't be surprised if they go back on their word and pop open a keg that Henry keeps in his basement! Hope they have Maalox!"
Eleanor rejoined the girls in the circle. They were sitting cross-legged and had a few candles glowing. The room was dark except for that. Conducive to baring your soul, Marilyn said.

Celeste urged, "Marilyn, you go first since you wrote the questions!" Marilyn took a deep breath. "OK, 'Tell about your first kiss'. It was at the movies. I went out with a guy named Poochie DeCarlo. Skinny. But cute. We were in the balcony watching a first run of 'Gone With the Wind'. When Rhett grabbed Scarlett on that bridge and whispered, "Kiss me. Kiss me Scarlett--you are sending a soldier off to his death!' or something like that, Poochie acted like he was stretching and put his arm around me. He whispered, 'Kiss me! Kiss me, Norma Jean! You are sending a boy off face Chemistry 2 on Monday." Now, how could I resist that? Helping a guy with Chemistry!"
Everyone fell against each other laughing.
Marilyn looked at question #2. "Hmmm..what is your ideal man? One who is not after my body but would love me for myself. Not as a sex symbol. I have a brain, not that any of them noticed. If I could live my life over...."
Bethia gave her a little hug. The room grew quiet, remembering the way her former life turned out.
Eleanor cleared her throat. "What would he look like?"
Marilyn smiled. "John F. Kennedy!"
Eleanor had taken a drink of her soda and spit it out, laughing so hard. Rose's drink went up into her nose. The rest were clutching each other and laughing.
"Question #3--'What do men do that drives you crazy?' Easy. Jealousy! I HATE it!
When I was making 'The Seven Year Itch' there was a scene where I had to stand over the subway grate and hot air would blow my dress up. You know, that white one with the pleated skirt? Walter Winchell told my then husband Joe DiMaggio that they were filming on Lexington Avenue and he had to see it! When Joe got there and saw my dress fly up into my face and my panties showing for the crowd, he was LIVID! We got back to the hotel suite, he smacked me around a bit and the next day I filed for divorce! Yeah, that makes me crazy!"
All the girls murmured their agreement.

Marilyn managed a smile. "Most embarrassing moment? See the answer to question #3! As for Question #4--my ideal wedding? I picture myself in a Gibson Girl dress, cinched waist, bustle, HUGE hat, parasol. My beloved would be in a morning coat with tails, grey pinstriped, top hat, maybe with a walking cane! We would honeymoon in Florence, Italy. Have a housefull of kids and live happily ever after."
Marilyn's eyes misted up. "And thanks to you all, I have a chance at that! I'll never take anything stronger than an aspirin!"
Eleanor and Bethia squeezed each other's hands, thankful they could give Marilyn a new chance to right old wrongs.


WILLIAM'S TURN............by Coralynn

"William goes first!" Luke suggests. Since none of the men are all that eager to 'bare their souls,' they don't object.
William grimmaces and looks at the list of questions.
"Alright, men, I guess I get to be the guinea pig! Here goes: 'Tell about your first kiss'......well, I take it you mean a girl or woman, not your mother, right? Hmmmmm, seems to me it was Gwendolyn the scullery maid. Yes, I'm sure it was. She thought I was cute and came after me!"
The other men make sounds of derision, like "Yeah, sure William!" and "In your dreams, big fella!"
"No, no, really!" he insists, "And when I was about 13 Gwendolyn finally cornered me in the courtyard and planted a wet one right on my lips! Now, I'm not saying it wasn't pleasant, mind you, but she could have gotten into a lot of trouble if found out. Ahhhhh yes, dear sweet Gwendolyn!"
That seems to satisfy the other men, so he goes on to the next question:
"My ideal woman," he ponders this, "Let's just say that I appreciate women who don't cause me grief! I like a woman who is supportive, intelligent, beautiful, dedicated, maternal...."
"Describe her! What does she look like?" Daniel yells out.
"Oh my, well, she should be a blond, with blue eyes, and about yeah tall, slim but sturdy, ahhhhhhh".......
"Everybody wants one like that!" Henry8 says, "What would make your ideal woman unique?"
"Mayhap unique is not all that big a deal," William confesses, "I appreciate a woman who doesn't give me a hard time about anything!"
All the other men cheer their agreement.
William reads the third question:
"Let's see, what do women do that drives me crazy? Hmmmm, what I deplore is their headstrong ways. Can't tell them anything but they have to put in their two cents!"
Another round of applause.
"But, on the other hand, from my recent experiences, I've found that women who do their own thinking are more interesting than the type I used to like back at Court. Eleanor, for instance......"
Some of the men boo.
"Now, now," William holds his hand out for silence, "I hate to admit it this late in the game, but there is something to be said for Respect. Hard to love a woman for any length of time who hasn't a brain in her head!"
"Yeah, like Grace!" John comments loudly.
"Exactly!" William acknowledges John's contribution, "Ditzy women are probably the worst of all. Let me change my answer: I say what drives me crazy about some women is their ditzyness."
"Onward......my most embarrasing moment. Oh my, I think the worst was when I ate the red berries back in 1640 Southold and became drunken on them. Now, some of you didn't witness this humiliating event, but, believe me, I was so out of it, so stoned, so totally out of control that, to keep me from jeapordizing the others, they had to bind and gag me and hide me under a load of hay."
"MAN! I wish I'd seen that!" Roger laughs, "I can't picture you that out of control, William!"
"Ahhhh, my friend, that's what made it so embarrasing. NO one had ever seen me out of control before, and hopefully never will again!"
William glances at the last question:
"My idea of the perfect wedding......my answer is a wedding in which the bride and groom truly love each other, which hardly ever happened back at Court. Those were arranged marriages, and it was the luck of the draw."
"Still is!" someone yells out with much buzzing and agreement among the group.
"Now, now, let's not be cynical," William laughs, "Roger and Bethia will have the perfect wedding because they are both good people who love each other, as corny as that may sound. But I've known Beth about two years now, and a sweeter, kinder, better woman I have yet to meet!"
"AYE! AYE!" many of the men respond and raise their pop cans high in a toast.

BETH'S TURN................by Terri
Marilyn said, "OK, who's next? I think Rose should go last, we need to save our strength!"
The candles shone on Bethia's face, giving her an ethereal glow. She would have glowed regardless, everyone agreed.
"Wait!" Celeste said. "I have to get something out of the oven and I don't want to miss a thing!" She returned with miniature quiches and hot hor d'oeuvres. Marthy and Bess reached for one. Bess said, "I sure hope Rafe is behaving himself! He's barely house-broken! They'd better put newspapers down! Or at least a drop cloth!"
Rose said, "Well, be glad Billy Bob isn't there! He and Daniel would probably be sneaking over here on something Billy Bob told me about once called a...panty raid? Then they would all get drunk and start line-dancing to 'Double Shot of my Baby's Love' and end up with 'Louie, Louie'!"
Eleanor said, "OK, Bethia--first question! Tell us about your first kiss!"
Bethia got red in the face. "Can I just skip to #2?" Everyone chimed in, "No, no--tell all!"
Rose said, "I hope it's not Caleb! That could have turned you off men completely!"

Bethia said reluctantly. "OK--I was 14 at the time. We had meadowland for our cows at the end of the lane. It was getting dark and it was my turn to head them back to the barn. It was gettiing chilly and those cows just would not come home! I was getting really frustrated. I used a branch and smacked on one of them."
Marilyn said, "Oh, Beth, I can imagine you smacking them!" She made a feeble swatting gesture in the air and imitated Bethia, 'Oh, please, Mrs. Cow, I'd really appreciate it if you came inside now! Pretty please? You have things to do, Mrs. Cow? What, pray tell? Oh, Mr. Bull wants to meet you? Whatever for? Oh!' Do I have it right, Bethia?"
Bethia laughed self-consciously. Eleanor stood up. "OH! I'm going to wet my pants!"
They laughed uproariously and settled down before Bethia continued.
"We, uh, uh, we had new neighbors, two boys about eighteen. One of them was walking down the lane. I hadnt' met him before then. He was really handsome and asked me, 'Excuse me, Miss, are you having trouble?' I started to cry and he said, 'Here! Let me!' and very expertly he got the cows moving and into the barn. We talked for about a half hour. He was very knowledgeable when it came to animals. I think at that moment I developed a crush on him! And when he turned to go, he lifted my chin and kissed me very tenderly on the lips and said, 'Till we meet again, Miss Mallory!'"
Everyone sighed. slightly melting at that tender scene.
Rose spoke up. "What was his name, Beth?"
Bethia turned red. "I--I--I don't remember."
Rose said, "Sure you do! Come on! Tell!"
"No, I don't!"
The rest chimed in, "TELL! TELL! TELL!" They all chanted.
"No--No--No! I can't! ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! His name was John!"
Rose said, "John what? Come on, 'fess up!"
The rest continued with "CONFESS. BETH!"
Finally Beth blurted out. "John. His name was John Gwinnett!"
Rose's head shot up. "There's TWO of them?"
And that brought the house down!

Marilyn continued. "Question #2--ideal man!" Marilyn threw that one over her shoulder. "Why don't we just paste a picture of Dr. Hunky and say 'see photo, far left!"
"Question #3--what drives you nuts about men?"
Bethia got a bitter look on her face. "A man who beats his wife. A man who tells her she should use laundry soap on her face because it doesn't matter anyways. A man who can't have children and would blame it on his wife. A selfish porkface. Which Caleb Adams embodied. May he burn in hell for all eternity!"
The women solemnly raised their Pepsi cans. "To Caleb--the crispy critter!"

"Question #4, Bethia--most embarrassing moment. Bethia thought for a minute. "When I won the lottery. I had an interview on TV and somehow the interviewer got the idea I was a lesbian and I didn't know what it was! Imagine, 40 million viewers and I have to show my naivete to them!"
Eleanor quipped, "I know--we see it on a regular basis!" and with that, Eleanor gave out a good imitation of Bethia's "oh!"
Bethia couldn't stop laughing.
"Question #5--ideal wedding!"
Bethia smiled broadly and said, "Can't, girls, sorry! But I promise you WILL see it in action June 28th!"
Beth looked around, content and happy. She was marrying the man of her dreams and she had her best friends with her. She sighed and said to herself, No, Caleb, it doesn't get any better than this. Thanks for nothing.....and everything!"

JACK'S TURN...............by Coralynn

"I'll go next," Jack volunteers, then looks at his questionaire, "My first kiss.....oh yeah......one of the so-called Noble Ladies of the Court was always looking at me with that feverish gleam in her eyes, hanging around the stables. Made me very nervous, as she was married to a Duke, a guy I didn't want to have to deal with because he was big and mean."
"Was the lady fair?" Henry asked.
"She was one of the fairest, but not known for her constancy. One day she came out to the stable and began to disrobe....." this is met with hoots and hollars from the other men......"And I got so excited I simply went for it......you know?"
"WOW!" you got the full deal?" Daniel is amazed.
Jack hangs his head a bit, "I'm afraid so!"
More hooting and hollering.
"Did the Duke ever find out?" someone asks.
"No, because, as you see, I'm still alive!" Jack exhales a deep breath.
"Was she good?" is yelled out.
"What did I have to compare her with?!" Jack answers.
William can see this is going in a direction best not gone in, so he asks, "Answer the second question, Jack, ok?"
Jack is visibly relieved and reads off, "Ideal woman. I'm in the process of formulating that, guys. Here I am in the 21st Century, and women have changed. My ideal woman back at court might not be the same as my ideal woman now, know what I mean?"
"We have women as whoreish as that Dutchess who initated you!" he hears.
"Oh no, I don't want anyone like her, not again, please!" Jack holds his hands up as if to fend off an attacking monster.
"Question three," he says, What do women do that drives me crazy? Nothing much right now, not that I can think of. The women today are pretty much OK."
"Wait till you've been here longer!" Daniel yells.
Jack goes on, "Most embarrasing moment: must have been when the Dutchess....."
More hooting and hollering, and "Bring it on!"
Jack's face reddens and he goes on to the last question, "OK, my perfect wedding. I think it would be romantic to be married out on a wind-swept cliff somewhere. In the woods. That's all I can picture, guys."
Luke announces, "Great job, Jack! Who goes next?"


ELEANOR'S TURN...............by Coralynn

"Eleanor, you're next!" Marilyn says excitedly, "Can't wait to hear the answers from the real Queen of France and England!"
"HA!" Eleanor starts out, My first kiss was that miserable Louis, you know, the seventh, the KIng of France? Now that may sound very romantic to some of you, but, believe me, it wasn't. I was no more than a teenager at the time, looking forward to passion and adventure. I didn't feel very attracted to Louis, but it was arranged we should marry. At the wedding ceremony he was told to kiss the bride. I thought surely it would awaken passion in at least one of us, namely him, but.." she purses her lips out from her face, "He puckered up like this and barely brushed my lips. It was like he was afraid he'd catch something from me."

"Did things ever improve?" Marthy asks.
"Not a bit!" Eleanor laughs, "Even in the marriage bed he acted like he would have preferred it if someone else could have done the deed, it being so distasteful to him. Eeuuuuu, I was glad to get away from that guy!"
The other women murmur their agreement.
"OK, moving on: My ideal man. I thought Henry might be my ideal man, but he turned out to be a skunk, so scratch that! IF I could make an ideal man I would have him be tall, strong, intelligent, passioante, without a mean bone in his body. Ever watch the movie 'Roman Holiday' with Gregory Peck? Now there's MY ideal man!"
"What men do that drives me crazy? Cheat on their wives, that would be Henry, definitely not Louis," she laughed, "Poor man should have been a monk!"
"Most embarrasing moment, hmmmmmm, there have been so many!" she ponders this question, "I think it was when I used to have to grovel to see my grown children after Henry had me locked up. He used to let me join them at Christmastime or mid-summers eve, but the rest of the time he had me safely out of the loop, as you say today."

"Groveling is embarrasing!" Marilyn says sympathetically. "And you were a Queen!" her face is full of angst for her friend.
"Not to become maudlin," Eleanor picks it up from there, "IF I were ever to have another wedding, what would it be like? I would like one of those modern ceremonies in which the bride and groom make up their own vows. NO clause about 'honoring and obeying'.....just a simple "I thee wed" back and forth, followed by a big passionate kiss that goes on forever and ever......." The other women whoop in appreciation.
"What would you wear?" Marthy wants to know.
"For the symbolism I might want a crown of diamonds, a gown of beaded brocade, any color would do, maybe pale green, yes, that would be quite stunning. But, if I ever marry again I'll probably run off to the Justice of the Peace, the sooner to get the man back home and into the boudoir!"

"YEOW! That's hot!" Rose exclaims, "You are one hot number, El! Let's hear it for our Queen!!"
The sounds of "El - en -or, El- en- or" starts and builds until everyone is chanting it. Eleanor curtsies and waves her hand for them to stop.
Eleanor sits and smiles at her friends; a better bunch there never was no matter the Century.


HENRY8'S TURN..............by Terri

The men grab paper plates and forks. Pizza is devoured, wing bones are stripped clean of their meat with assorted sauces--jerk chicken, hot, superhot and ZOWIE WOWIE! Rib bones were piled high and deep on platters. Potato salad and cole slaw bowls were nearing the bottom of the bowl. Daniel was flipped upside down on the chair so his head was touching the floor and his feet were resting on the back.
Rafe had never had anything so delicious in his life. Luke put the stereo on, Bad Company was playing in the background. He said, "You know, there's alot of untapped talent in the 21st century!"
Daniel said, "Well, John or I could go next but I think the stories may be pretty similar considering...." John threw a rib bone at him.
Henry sighed. "OK, I'll go next!"
William laughed and said, "You know you're itching to tell us YOUR story, Hal!"
Henry grabbed the page. "OK, first kiss--hmmm! Got to be the relic of Arthur! Katherine of Aragon! Yeah, she was a looker! It was right after Artie's demise, at his funeral. She came up to me and said, 'Looks like it's you and me now, Hal! Want to take his place?' She was joking, of course! Now, she had been married to Art for six months--can you honestly say there was no hanky panky there? OK, so Art was a skinny dude.."
Daniel yelled, "What did you do, steal his food?"
Henry shot him a withering look and showed him four fingers. "That's how long you have at the castle, 'dude'....as I was saying, he was skinny and he coughed alot. Maybe it wasn't the whole enchilada but I'll bet there was some heavy necking going on! So Art died in 1501 and I married her in 1508, I believe? May have been 1509--anyways, the babe had been simmering for seven years. She was 23 and I was 17---well, you get the picture! Steam actually came out of my ears!"
William said, "Question #2--Your ideal woman"
Henry belched and said, "Fertile. Buxom. Did I mention fertile?"
John said, "What about the face?"
Henry said, "Rosy red cheeks. Yeah, I like a good cheek!"
Jack said, "A buxom cheek?" which was met with uproarious laughter. Henry resumed. "Redheads. Yeah, I love redheads!" He smiled wistfully, thinking of Lola O'Shea.
William read, "Moving on--what do they do that drives you nuts?"
Henry paused. "Women who lie. Let me amend that. Women who don't tell the truth! Women who say they are with child just so they don't have to lie with you. Other than that, there isn't anything about a woman that turns me off! Except if they are barren! Oh, yeah--and adultresses. Nothing turns me off faster than an adultress!"
Jerry said, "Well, you have a remedy for that, my good man!" With that, he made a slicing gesture across his throat.
Henry sighed. "Women sure have come along way! Oh, they still commit adultery, you just can't kill them!"
Everyone gave John covert glances at that point but he didn't notice.
William hastened with question #4--"Most embarrassinig moment? Remember, Henry, we don't have all night! Just pick one!"
Henry laughed. "That's easy! Making an impression of the coin, screwing it up and landing in New Orleans, playing the trumpet with Jelly Roll Morton. Having William, John and the girls bail me out! Close call there for me AND Rose! Yeah, embarrassing---especially when we had to timetravel out of there in an instant and I came back to Chappaqua with powdered sugar all over my face from the beignets!"
William said, "Last but not least--ideal wedding/marriage."
They all leaned forward.
Henry smiled cryptically. "One where the groom is unattatched BEFORE the wedding! The bride has a sonogram IN HAND showing a baby with---well, proof of a male heir! Notarized by the doctor!"
The guys all whooped. Roger said, "I'll notarize it for you, Hal!" Henry laughed with the guys. Yeah, six times--practice makes perfect. Maybe time to look for Number seven....


ROGER'S TURN........by Terri

William passed cigars all around. Henry said, "The hell with this sissy soft drink stuff!" He came back with a keg. The guys all cheered, Daniel the loudest.
"NOW we'll have a party! A kegger!"
John poured the glasses and kept them coming.
Jerry said, "OK, Roger, bare your innermost thoughts! And don't forget, I've been your college room mate and I will know if you are lying--or exaggerating!"
Jerry said, "First kiss! Who was it?"
Roger said, "Sally Sanderson! We were thirteen and it was at recess. We had both gotten braces. Well, my lip got caught in her braces and Bugsy Sullivan had to get the principal to unlatch me! She didn't speak to me all year. But guaranteed if she is at a slumber party and this question ever comes up, she'll have the answer!"
Everyone laughed uproariously at that.
"Ideal woman!"
Roger smiled broadly. "Need I describe her? She is perfection, she is sweetness, she is, well, she could say, "it's a good thing" but really mean it! And she's mine! She's..."
Henry said, "Whoa, boy! Easy on the superlatives! Uh, does she have a sister?"
Daniel smiled. "Wouldn't it be great if we could clone some of these women? Then we wouldn't fight over them! Or maybe build the perfect woman..."
John narrowed his eyes. "Clone? And just who would you clone, you..."
William raised his voice. "ENOUGH! OK, Roger, what do they do that drives you nuts?"
Roger thought a minute. "Well, being a doctor, and I believe I mentioned this to Bethia once--I hate to see a woman be abused physically and put up with it. It pemeates all economic stratuses. Sometimes I can refer the women to abuse shelters, mostly they look blankly at me and say, 'I don't know what you are talking about. I ran into a door!' And another thing that bugs me are the women who won't take responsible measures to ensure a happy, healthy baby. Hey, now I sound like an advertisement for the Health, Education and Welfare Department! I'll get off my soapbox now!"

Jerry said, "Most embarrassing moment. And I bet I know which one it is, too," he grinned.
Roger laughed, too. "We were at a mixer in college. It was the days of toga parties. I was there with Emmy Parsons. I was wrapped in a sheet, a laurel stuck on my head and grain alcohol in my stomach. We were heading upstairs...uh, we were walking DOWNSTAIRS and my toga caught on the bannister. I continued to walk and before I knew it, I was standing there in the alltogether in front of the Delta Delta Delta sorority! I never had so many phone numbers get pressed into my hands!"
By this time the men are rolling on the floor gasping for breath. The beer didnt' hurt, either.
Jerry said, "Ideal wedding, Rog! Go for it!'
Roger sighed, "Don't know yet, guys! Beth said, 'here, put this tux on, show up and say 'I do' . That's all I ask' She's a stickler for details!" Roger smiled and looked at all the guys. Nope, doesn't get any better than this!


BESS' TURN.................by Coralynn

"You're next, Bess!" Marilyn announces happily, "We're all dying to know about the inspiration for that poen...."
Bess flushes and stammers, "You mean The Highwayman? Ohhhh yeah, that one. Crazy, isn't it, that someone should write about Rafe and me thinking we were fictitious, when all the time we were real.......still are, actually. OK, here goes: My first kiss. Hmmmmm, it was Rafe. I was only 17 when you brought me here, and the only fellow I had ever kissed was Rafe. That wouldn't have happened if my parents weren't so involved in running the Inn that they hardly noticed me. Rafe would climb up into my bedroom window......nonono, it isn't what you think! We weren't lying in the bed; never had time actually, because he was always so skittish about the redcoats finding him. But he did kiss me, and at the time I thought it was the nearest thing to Heaven I'd ever be, but then what did I know?"

"Kissed him recently?" Marthy asks.
"Not even once. Probably never will again, either. He just doesn't measure up anymore......wellll, isn't a girl entitled to change her mind?"
Sounds of "for sure!" and "you go girl!" are heard from the other women.
"On to question two: my ideal man. Someone who doesn't steal! But what else? I'm still trying to figure that out!"
"You have plenty of time," Eleanor assures her.
"What do men do that drives me crazy? Steal. But not all of them do. I met a very sweet guy at the fitness center the other day, named Slim....."
"You mean the cake guy?" Marilyn asks impetuously.
"Was he the cake guy?"
"YES!" the other women chorus.
"Now he works at the fitness center," Bess goes on, "He's really nice....."
Rose is finding all of this very interesting. Good for Slim! Now if he behaves and doesn't try out his crude 'pick-up' lines on her, he may have something good going.
"My most embarrasing moment: must have been when I was helping out in the dining room of the Inn and my tray slipped and bowls of soup went all over the guests. For that one I was banished to my room."
Bess thinks a moment before answering the last question: "My ideal wedding. I'll have to pay special attention to Beth and Roger's weddding to see how that one looks because I think Beth is one of the most wonderful people on earth, and if I can be like her and end up with a great man similar to Roger, that would be sublime! What would I wear? Don't know, really, but I'd be wearing a huge smile on my face for sure!"
Cheers come from the group.


RAFE'S TURN...............by Coralynn

Rafe sits in the circle with the other men, squinting at the questionaire. He wishes he were further along in his reading course.....some of the words are hard! John is aware of this problem, so prompts Rafe, "Rafe, tell us about your first kiss!"
Rafe replies, "I kissed a lot of women, and it's hard to remember which was the first one. I know, you all think it was Bess. Nope. I used to make the rounds when I was a highwayman. Bess was just one stop along the way."
"WOW!" Daniel yells out, "You had it goin' ON!"
Rafe doesn't understand that term, but gets the idea and smirks at Daniel.
"What would your ideal woman be like?" John prompts him.
"She has to have a chest out to here," Rafe gestures far in front of his own chest, "And be eager to jump into bed with me. That's all."
"You've come to the right century for that!" and "Way to go!" are heard.
John reads the third question: "What do women do that drives you crazy?"
"Flirt with other men!" Rafe answers immediately, "Lead me on, get me to go hunderds of years into the future, then dump me and flirt with that idiot she met at the fitness center!"
Rafe is getting agitated, so John feels it best to go on, "You most embarrasing moment, Rafe, what would that be?"
"That one's easy: when I blew up the toilet at John's gym the other day!" Rafe looks at John to see if the other man shows any residual anger.
"You did WHAT?!" Roger asks, trying not to laugh too hard at the poor man.
John cuts in, "It was an accident, though it was kinda funny at the time!"
Rafe is relieved that John is making light of it and begins to relax.
"Last question: what is your idea of your perfect wedding?"
"HA! No wedding for me! Never! Women can't be trusted! They lure you on, take you hundreds of years into the future then dump you for some stupid guy at the gym. I don't plan on getting married!"
Some of the other men nod and smile to show their support, even the ones who don't feel the same way.
Rafe sits. Whew, that's over, he thinks, John isn't a bad guy......he helped bail me out of that......the most embarrasing moment could have been that I can't read. I owe ya one, John my friend.


LUKE'S TURN..................by Coralynn

Luke stands up and stretches....."My turn, what, already?"
The others laugh as he sits down and takes up his questionaire.
"Oh boy! Here goes: tell about your first kiss. I was giving a piano recital when I was about 12, and the little girl hired to turn pages for me planted one on me every time she leaned over and turned the page. Did anyone notice? Yeah, they noticed! It was embarrasing! But then, this isn't supposed to be in that category, is it? I have even worse stuff for that one!"
"My ideal woman......."
Jerry asks, "Tell us about the 'Immortal Beloved' you dedicated some of your music to! Who was she??"
"Hey, guys, I made that all up as a joke. People thought I was pretty good as a composer, so I figured hey! let's throw them a curve and make up a fictitious love.....and drive music historians crazy for the next few hundred years......which is exactly what happened!"
Those in the group who know about Beethoven's Immortal Beloved laugh. The others just sit there.

"My ideal woman .....I dunno. I think Marilyn is pretty great, and no, it isn't her body that has me so besotted. It's her brains!"
That gets a huge laugh out of all the men.
Luke looks vexed, "You guys are hopeless! Now, if you'll keep the laughter down to a dull roar, next question: what do women do that drives me crazy? Not a whole heck of a lot! These modern ones are dynamite!"
Luke waits for the laughter to subside, then goes on, "Most embarrasing moment. Can I choose two of them? Hard to pick between them. OK, the first one was when William showed up again after having brought me here 18 month earlier. I was living upstairs in the blue house, and William came up to see how I was doing. I had no idea what that 'thing' was up on the wall in the bathroom behind that sliding door...."
"You mean the shower head?" Jerry asked, incredulously.
"I didn't know it was a shower head. I thought it was something strange that might blow up on me if I touched it......"
"Like Rafe and his toilet?" that sets off a round of laughter.
"OK, have your fun. But, the really embarrasing thing was that I hadn't bathed in the 18 months since William had seen me last....."
Gagging sounds come from the group.
"In my life as a composer I was famous for neglecting my personal hygiene, so going a year and a half without bathing didn't bother me. William told me how to work the shower. Even brought a bar of soap and a towel with him....."
"I should think SO!" Daniel yells out.
Luke turns to William, "You were great, though, William. You tried not to embarrass me, but once I figured out how horrible I must have smelled, I've used that shower once very couple weeks ever since!" he finishes proudly.
"That's ALL!? several men ask at the same time.
William looks at the offenders menacingly and they stop.
"Second embarrasing moment," Luke begins, "When Grace pulled me into the bushes for an assignation back sometime last year..."
"WAHOO!" some men yell out.
"No, not wahoo!" Luke corrects them, "She'll make out with any man she sees after she's consumed spirits. I thought we had some hot love affair, but the next day she had no memory of it at all! I was humiliated!"
"Sounds like the perfect woman to ME!" Daniel yells out.
Most of the other men glare at him. Daniel is only there because he won't be kicked out of his living quarters for another four days, so they're stuck with him, but he is not well liked, to put it mildly.

"Last: Perfect weddding. Ya know, guys, I don't want to say exactly what Rafe said, but it's along that line. I am not suited for connubial bliss. I would make a terrible husband and I know it. My temper is erratic, my hygiene is sub-standard, I keep strange hours, I wouldn't wish me on any woman!"
He sits. William comments, "Fortunate indeed is the man who understands his limitations!"
Luke nods appreciatively.
Roger caps it off with, "For most embarrasing moments, you get the blue ribbon, my friend! And for being a great composer, you get our undying gratitude! Here's to ya!" as he holds up his glass.
Luke smiles. This is a pretty decent century to live in after all, he thinks.


CELESTE'S TURN..........by Coralynn

"OK, now Celeste, we've all been dying to hear about your sordid past, so TELL!" Marilyn giggles.
"You think you're ready for this?" Celeste challenges everyone.
Sounds of "Yes!" and "Bring it on!" with much clapping come from the group.
"You asked for it!" Celeste grins. "OK, let me get my glasses on so I can read this thing.......ahhhhh, my first kiss. I was five years old, walking home from school, when I saw little Tommy Chowder. I walked right up to him and kissed him hard on the mouth. Poor Tommy dropped his books on the road and ran crying all the rest of the way home! Not the reaction I was looking for."
The others laugh..."FIVE? You win for precociousness!" Marilyn hoots.
"That was just the beginning of my misspent youth, ladies, it got steamier.." Marthy is seen fanning herself with a magazine and laughing.
"My ideal man.....since Tommy Chowder obviously didn't care to keep company with me, I moved on! But.....ideal man. Let's say what would be my least flawed man! I like a man with a highly developed sense of humor, that's a must for anyone putting up with me!"
"But you're a Saint!" Bethia insists.
Celeste all but doubles over laughing, "Pa-leeeeese!" she gasps between spasms of laughter, "You think so just because I've acquired some wisdom over the years? How does one go about aquiring wisdom? By making every mistake in the book, that's a good way.....and by running after every interesting experience that presents itself, and oh I have!"
"This is getting good!" Bess exclaims, "Tell us more!"
"I'll stick to the questions, which go on to What about Men drives you crazy? I think the overbearing ones are on my list of Crazymakers. Bossy men, possessive men, men who think they own you......."
"YES! Celeste!" Rose almost jumps up in her agreement.
Celeste gives her a meaningful smile, "It's a sign of mental health if you dislike those traits, my dear. But........going on to the next question: Most embarrasing moment. Ahhhhhh, there was that day I slid into the mud at Woodstock. I was walking along and suddently I was on my stomach in the slick mud, plastered from head to toe with brown gooey mud and God knows what else mixed in!"
"You were at Woodstock?" Marilyn is excited, "What was it like, Celeste? TELL!"

"I didn't live far from Bethel, NY, where this concert was held, so my boyfriend, Richey, and I wandered over to take a look. It was great. Big, famous bands were setting up to play, groups like Sly & the Family Stone, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and solists like Joan Baez, Janis Joplin and Joe Cocker. We stayed.......and I mean we were there for five days! Through the sunshine, then the downpours of rain...that's why I got all muddy, it was almost impossible to walk any distance without sliding down in the stuff, but most of us were so stoned we didn't care....."

"NO! You took drugs?"
"It was 1969 and I was 21 years old, ladies, you have to realize what a potent combination that was. I even carry a picture taken on one of the days I was there......"
"Pass it around!"
"It's also on an album cover, actually.....I'm the one in the front wrapped up with my boyfriend in blankets...."
she passes the picture around, which causes the others to oooooh and aaahhhhhh and laugh and stomp their feet.
"You were a hippie!" Marilyn says happily. Some of the other women turn to her questioningly, "A hippie was .....well,....free....wild.....went around making the Peace Sign and wearing polyester bellbottoms, fringed vests....."
"OH!" it suddently hits Rose, "That's how we were dressed when we accidentally landed in 1640 Southold!"
"Right!" Bethia agrees. "I owe my presence here today to the fact that I was so fascinated by their outfits that I hung around and got to know them."
Some of the others didn't know that and comment and there is general buzzing for a few minutes. Then they all look up at Celeste again with more intense interest in her than they had ever felt before.

"Last question, about the perfect wedding, I had a wedding once. We had bare feet with flowers in our hair, yes, both of us. Sammy and I were just fine till I got sober and he decided to go through life stoned. So I said "sayonara" and went my way. My second husband was better, but he died about ten years ago. I like being single, I think it's my best way to live. I get to do whatever I want....."
"We'd better watch out for you!" Eleanor laughs, "You are the real item: a Wild-Child!"
Celeste nudges Eleanor, "Takes one to know one, sister!"
They hug and the group cheers.


DANIEL'S TURN...............by Terri

William said, "It's down to John, Jerry and Daniel. Who's next?"
The three looked at each other. Daniel leaned back in the chair, folded his hands behind his head, stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles. The cigar dangled out of his mouth.
"Ah, well, if you all insist..."
There was silence all around. He said, "No one wants to hear my tale?"
Rafe spoke up. "Well, I do!"
William said, "I suppose it's only fair..."
John glared at Daniel, afraid of what he may say.
Henry grabbed the questionaire. "OK, Daniel, first kiss. Who, what, where, don't need to ask why..."
Daniel smiled in thought. "It was in England. I was thirteen. She was sixteen. I just had a fist fight with Barney Woodruff. I beat the tar out of him but I got my share, too. I went to the barn to wash up and rest because if Father had seen me, he'd have made me apologize. And 'sorry' is not a word in my vocabulary, thank you very much. Think I only said 'sorry' once." He frowned in remembrance because it was to Rose.
"Anyways, her name was Polly. She was the house girl. She saw me go into the barn and checked on me. She washed my face, put some salve on the cuts and bruises, and kissed my face. From South Wales, I think she was. And believe me, guys, Southern Comfort don't only come in a bottle!"
Rafe said, "Ideal woman....can't wait to hear this one!"
Daniel closed his eyes. "Blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'4", built like a brick....should be easy to seduce. Hell, that's the fun of it all! The planning! The game! Whatever it takes..."
By now John had jumped up, fists balled up. William looked at him, shook his head and motioned him to sit down.
William said, "I don't think we need to go further on this one, Daniel."
The others agreed. Rafe caught Daniel's eye, though, and gave him a grin and a two-thumbs up that no one else saw.
Luke said, "What makes you crazy about them?"
Daniel said, "When they get pregnant and try to pin it on you. Mehitable Glover, for example.. Could have been any one of three guys that I knew of. And when you DO slip one past the goalie, they turn around and deny it's yours when YOU know it is and then you have to fight to see your child and get kicked out of your living quarters for trying to do right by her.."
Daniel took a long puff on the cigar and was quiet.
John said, "Most embarrassing moment, Daniel...not counting the one that is going to happen to you in the next 30 seconds."
Daniel laughed. "The fights John and I would get into. Especially the ones lately. The one where he jumped on my back, pinned me in the dirt and pushed my face in William's vegetable garden. I looked like a minstrel in blackface! Oh, and getting publicly kicked out of Henry's castle, for which I am really sorry."
Roger said, "Perfect wedding, Daniel?"
Daniel ground out his cigar. "I know you all think I am a cad. That marriage is not for me. Ok, perfect wedding. To marry the mother of my daughter." He sighed.
"She keeps me higher than a Georgia Pine. Yeah, I don't need the booze to get a buzz on!"
There was dead silence in the room. Daniel looked around and smiled. Hell, who can top THAT?!


MARTHY'S TURN........by Terri

Rosamond got up and looked out the window to the castle. "Lord, what I wouldn't give to hear what those men are saying!"
Eleanor laughed. "Should have had Susan Hemingway wire it for sound!"
Rose turned around sharply. Eleanor said, "Sorry, Rosamond. I forgot that tape is still floating out there."
Rosamond sighed. "Haven't heard a word from her for awhile. Maybe that 1000.00 was the last of it..maybe she fell off the face of the earth."
Eleanor and Rosamond rejoined the circle. Celeste had brought out chocolate cheese-cake. Marilyn took a bite and sighed rapturously. Then she sat up startled. "Celeste-this IS chocolate and chocolate ONLY in this, isn't there?"
Celeste laughed. "I plan on making Hash Brownies for William on his birthday. Loosen the old poop up!"
They all fell over laughing. Rose said, "You should have seen him stoned on those red berries..." Eleanor and Rose couldn't stop laughing. Marilyn turned to Marthy. "Honey, it's your turn for this informal truth or dare session!"
Marthy looked down. "I'm only 18. I was a servant girl. What do I have to compare my life with the glamorous and exciting lives you all have led?"
Bethia came over and gave her a hug. "I was married to an abusive husband. How glamorous is that? Marthy, you have only been with us for six months. Don't expect miracles. I hadn't told you yet, but I plan on using you for a model for my dress collection. I was going to wait until after this wedding because my head is just spinning. But you are tall and willowy. You can carry off some of these designs. I want to send you to modeling school."
Marthy clapped her hands. "Oh! Re-make me, just like Eliza Doolittle in that movie I saw! Then maybe Jack will...." She clapped her hand over her mouth and turned scarlet.
Everyone laughed. Bess began to sing, "Marthy's got a boyfriend, Marthy's got a boyfriend..." in a sing-song playground voice. Marthy looked down. "I used to watch him at the stables in England. And he was very kind to me when we were transported here. He's--he's very nice."
Marilyn said, "And not too shabby looking either, especially in that suit he wore the other night!"
Rose said kindly, "Marthy, come on...have you ever been kissed?"
Marthy looked down and said, "No! Never! Not even when that lech Henry chased me around. I always ran faster. I never..." She looked up and smiled abashedly. "But I AM looking forward to it!"
Rose hugged her and said, "Believe me, it WILL happen! Just make it special--and learn from my mistakes!"
Eleanor said, "Ideal man, Marthy--surely you have SOME idea!"
Marthy smiled at being included in this 'rite of passage into womanhood.' "He has to be strong and handsome, willing to teach me all sorts of things..."
Eleanor let out a bawdy laugh. Marthy flushed. "I mean, like music and books and movies.."
Rosamond read off, "What DON"T you like?"
Marthy blurted out. "Henry 2. John. Richard. Geoffrey was kindly but the rest--ugh!"
Rose and Eleanor nodded to each other."Oh, yeah! We know the type," Eleanor said.
Rosamond laughed, "Been there, done them!"
Everyone clutched each other and laughed.
Bethia said, "Most embarrassing moment?"
Marthy said, "Having my parents tell me they no longer could afford to keep me and turned me over as a 'tweeny' to the vicar. I was only twelve." She brought her head up defiantly. "But I worked my way up to the castle...and through hard work! I kept my pride and my virtue!"
Everyone clapped heartily and Rosamond gave her a sincere hug. She whispered, "Good for you, girl!"
Bess said, "Perfect wedding, Marthy?"
Marthy sighed. "On a beach. On horseback. With a man who really knows how to ride a horse!"
And the girls said, "Amen!" and said a little prayer that Marthy of all people deserved to get her wish.


JOHN'S TURN...........by Terri

Everyone looked at John. Daniel had pretty well trashed him, flaunting his past deception and indiscression with Rosamond out in the open. John cleared his throat. William said kindly, "John? In view of past, er, circumstances, if you'd rather not, we, er, will understand...you know, since Rosamond...."
John stared Daniel right in the eye. He said steely, "Bring it on."
Daniel whooped. "ALRIGHT, BRO!"
Rafe pulled up a couch cushion closer, anticipating a juicy story or two about this Rose person. Rosamond..Rose..wasn't that the name of that hot looking Mrs. Montgomery?
Everyone refilled their beer glasses. They figured they were going to need it.
William said, "OK, John---first kiss."
John smiled. "Margaret Westford. I was ten, she was eight. She lost her puppy in the woods and I helped her find it. It was a new kind of spaniel--named a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel. Cutest dog! He ran off to chase a rabbit. We found him in a half an hour. She was so grateful and I walked her to the edge of the woods. She kissed me right on the lips! Never forgot it, too."
Daniel laughed. "Hope you haven't judged all women by little Margaret's memory!"
John kicked Daniel's feet off the ottoman. "You are getting on my last nerve, Danny boy!"
"Hey! You made me spill my beer!"
John yelled, "Better than spilling blood out of your nose!"
Daniel jumped up."Why, you..."
Jerry stood up between them. "Daniel, John kept his mouth shut most of the time you were gloating over your lurid past, now give him equal time!"
Daniel sat back down and kicked the ottoman over to John. "Well, hell, if you want it so much, take it!" Jerry asked, "What is your ideal woman, John?"
John got red in the face. "I guess you could say twins think alike. We, uh, we have the same taste in women. But I woudn't resort to deception and trickery. A woman who would come to me because she wanted ME. And sometimes a man likes to be the one seduced!"
Daniel said under his breath to Rafe, "No wonder he's still single and sleeps alone!"
William glared at the two of them.
Daniel took a puff on his cigar. "OK, loverboy, what do they do that drives you crazy? Run off and marry someone else?"
John jumped up. "I didn't see her marrying YOU, did I?"
Daniel jumped up and shoved John. "Only because I wasn't there at the time! Neither were you! No, that little whore grabbed the nearest guy on a whim...."
Jerry grabbed Daniel and Roger pulled John back. Jerry said, "Daniel, if you open your mouth once more, I personally will throw you out the door. Now SHUT UP!"
Daniel glared at John and sat down.
Roger said, "Most embarrassing moment, John."
John fumed. "How come everything that happens to me is tied up with my brother? Had to be when he drugged me for 48 hrs so he could impersonate me!"
Rafe looked over at Daniel, astonished and impressed. Jack was wide-eyed.
John looked at the two of them. "You didn't know? Thought EVERYONE knew!
You see, my dear brother here, " he nodded in Daniel's direction, "slipped me quite a few mickeys and then pretended to be me. He seduced Rosamond into bed-- for the weekend, mind you---while I was incapacitated. She thought he was me. When I came to, Bethia had a party for El. I stumbled in and fell right into the soup tureen in the middle of the party."
Rafe whispered, "You really did that? I doff my hat to you! How ingenious!"
Daniel whispered, "I didn't hear any complaints about it from her all weekend, either. And left her with a little nine-month package, too!"
Rafe was astonished. "Really? You mean that little baby she has is YOURS?"
Daniel said under his breath, "Damn right she is. Won't even let me hold her or even see her. What a tramp!"
Jack said, "Perfect wedding, John?"
John sighed. "I dont' care. As long as I have one."


ROSAMOND'S TURN...........by Terri

Everyone looked at Rosamond. "What?" she said.
"Come on, Rosamond! We bared our souls, now it's your turn!"
Rose said, "Aw, come on! Most of you have been with me every step of the way! You know what a sordid mess my life has been in!"
Bess and Marthy jumped up. "We haven't! Come on, 'Auntie' Ro' ! Tell us a bedtime story!!"
Eleanor said, "Yes, rated XXX!"
Rose stuck her tongue out at Eleanor and sighed. "Do I really have to?"
The girls all huddled around. Bess whispered to Marthy, "Now, this has GOT to be good! I heard she..."
Marilyn said, "What are you girls whispering about?"
Bess and Marthy grew red. "Uh, nothing...." "Nothing at all..."
Marilyn grabbed the paper. "OK, Rose, first kiss--if you can remember it!"
Rose smiled in reverie. "Believe it or not, it wasn't Henry!"
Everyone leaned forward in anticipation. "It was Harry 'Hotspur' Percy!" Rose got a faraway dreamy look in her eyes.

"I was visiting my Granny Margaret de Tonei in her castle in Northumberland. I was fourteen and my parents were visiting her. Her castle bordered the Percy lands. I was always keen on riding, I've ridden since I could walk. Just ask my husband! The Percy stables were all filled and old Sir Percy asked my Gran if he could stable young Harry's horse there. Gran was the soul of generosity and said it would be fine with her. One midsummer's night, I went down to saddle Boadicea, the mare I had been riding. My parents didn't keep very good tabs on me. Never did, really. It was a full moon, casting shadows on the moors." Bess and Marthy sat there, enraptured in their youthful innocence. Rose continued. "I turned around and there stood the most magnificent man I had seen. He was tall with a fiery red beard and curling hair. Did I mention he was tall?
He was twenty-three. In a deep voice, he said, "Allow me, milady, to saddle this for you!" Milady! No one ever called me that before. To make a long story short, we rode out to the moors together in the moonlight. It was almost midnight when we returned. Harry was a perfect gentleman. He helped me groom Boadicea. I was so incredibly naive. He told me that Gran kept the best hay up in the loft and we could go up there and throw it down to our horses, for a treat. So I climbed up to the loft with him. Moonlight shone through the stable loft and before I knew it, Harry 'Hotspur' Percy was all over me! It was my first kiss and I felt it all the way to my toes."
Everyone leaned forward in anticipation of what happened next.
Rose paused.
"Well? Well?" Marthy whispered breathless, ready to swoon.
"What happened next?" Bess was on the edge of her seat.
"My mother came to the stables looking for me. She heard noises in the loft and surmised it was not mice! She raised hell. She yelled. 'Hotspur' just looked at her and said, 'It's your word against mine, Madam, and I'll thank you to remember who owns more land.' He calmly went down the loft ladder and walked out."
Bethia said, "What did you do, Rose?"
Rose smiled in reminiscence. "I hoisted my bodice back up and climbed down the ladder, too!"
They all roared with laughter.
Rose said, "They called him 'Hotspur' due to his devastating speed in battle. But I knew the REAL reason he was called 'Hotspur'! He was speedy, all right!"
Marilyn said, "What happened next?"
Rose sighed. "I was packed off to France and then sent to Court. The rest is, as they say, history!"
Marthy and Bess fanned their faces. "WHEW!"

Eleanor said, "Question #2--ideal man. Is he a composite, Rose?" Rose sighed. "A man who dashes into the fray for me. Who loves me and cherishes me. He is my Sir Galahad and Lancelot rolled into one. Physically? You know...you've all seen him!"
"Question #3--what drives you crazy about men?"

Rose hesitated. "Being treated like property. Being told what to do. Who to see. Where to go. Even down to an obstetrician. Men who force themselves on you. Men who call you 'little girl' and pat you on the head and treat you like a child. men who trick you..."
Rose stopped before she let a tear slip out of her eye.
Eleanor cleared her throat. "Embarrassing moments, Rose! Pick ONE!"
Rose laughed. "Easy! Sunbathing nude for the Enquirer and Playboy! Having my entire life flashed upon the pages of those magazines. Enough said! Oh, and maybe having to have my best friends tell ME that I am pregnant!"
Eleanor said, "Ideal weddiing, honey."
Rose smiled, "Well, it's NOT standing on the banks of the Mississippi exchanging vows at sunset! No, I will be perfectly frank with you. Wearing a white gown that I saw on the internet, carrying a bouquet of daffodils and white roses. And having the man I love waiting at the altar for me. That man is the only one I have loved with my whole being. John Gwinnett."
And at that point there wasn't an eye that wasn't misty for Rosamond. She may have been a screw up, but darn it, she was THEIR screw-up and they loved her.


JERRY'S TURN...............by Coralynn

"Last, but hopefully not least, we have Jerry!" Luke announces.
Jerry takes the glass of beer away from Roger and drains it himself, saying "You're the groom, not me. I don't want to be blamed for you staggering down the aisle day after tomorrow! Ohhhhh, it's my turn is it? Well, I guess it would be considering you've all answered the questions. Okey, dokey, then......first question, first kiss. Oh man, it's hard to remember. Girls were always chasing me down the street, down the halls at school....." Roger smacks him with a cushion, sending him tipping over sideways.
"I flat out don't remember!" he confesses, "OK, on to question two........stop hitting me Roger! Stop it or I'll tell Beth we had a stripper over here and you.......well........" he clears his throat, "Ideal woman: brainy........"
"Like Eleanor?" someone yells out.
"Sure! Also very assertive......."
"Eleanor again!" another man adds.
"Very pretty but not frail......"
"Oh God, Jerry, why don't you just say Eleanor and be done with it?" William laughs.
"Alright then, Eleanor is about as good as it gets! There, are ya satisfied?"
"When's the wedding?" Daniel yells out in a drunken voice.
"Sit down and shut up, Daniel!" William commands.
"Going on, hoping some of you are sober enough to be able to hear me.......what do women do that drives me crazy? I know!!! When I'm trying to sell a house and a woman keeps asking to go back in and look at some feature, and repeats this ten times over, then, after all that, says, 'I'll have to come back with my husband and look and see what he thinks!' Aaaaaaaaaagh!"
Now that most of you are on the verge of passing out.......my most embarrasing moment was when I was showing a house put up for sale by a young couple who both worked during the day, and when I showed my proscpective buyers the master bedroom, the man was in there with his secretary. They were so involved they never even saw us standing in the open doorway gawking at them. Needless to say, the prospective buyers beat a path out of there and did not return."

"Perfect wedding, you ask? Hmmmm, how about a wedding on a mountain-top? With the sun going down? Well, that isn't getting any rousing response from you bunch of degenerates. How about if I suggest a panty raid, a la colleges in the 1950s? Anybody up for one of them?"
Suddenly all the men sit up at attention.
"That's better!" he laughs, "I knew if I said something raunchy you'd notice!"
"NO! We want to do it!" several of the men tell him, "Now just how did those guys pull it off?"
They all get in a huddle with Jerry and Roger telling them the strategies and techniques and perils and rewards of a good panty raid.
Rafe looks out the window toward the big house and says, "There are still a few lights on over there...... "


WHO WANTS TO GO ON A PANTY RAID?...........by Terri

Luke, Henry and William decided to pass on the panty raid. William sighed, "I'm too old and I have a reputation to maintain!"
Henry said, "I need to help Luke with the, uh, leftovers."
Roger, Rafe, Jerry, Daniel, Jack, and John all decided it would be good fun. John figured he might even get a glimpse of Rosamond. So did Daniel. And after listening to their stories, so did Rafe. Or, at least he hoped to see this goddess's underwear!
Jack and Rafe ran around to the storage shed to get the ladders. John stood back and looked up. He counted windows.
"Let's see---four windows over, that's Rosamond's....Bethia's in the corner....El is two over on that side...Marthy and Bess are on Elmwood so their underwear is safe...and heaven forbid! It's all agreed we leave Celeste's underwear alone out of respect for her, right? All agreed because they didn't want to get their butts kicked by Celeste. "Marilyn's is right next to Eleanor's. Everyone get that straight?"
Daniel said, "We have to have two people down here holding the ladders and one to act as a spotter--a lookout guy!"

Jerry was appointed leader. "OK, Rafe, you can go upstairs since stealing is your specialty. Daniel, you have no scruples so you can go up, too. John, since you live there, you can move fast...Jack and I can hold the ladders and Roger can be the lookout. This has to be done FAST! I can't emphasize that enough!"
"Rafe, you take Eleanor's room, Daniel, you take Marilyn and Bethia's and John can take Rose's room."
Daniel argued, "Why does he get to do Rose's room? It's not like he spends a great deal of time up there and I know where everything is since I trashed her room so thoroughly."
Jerry grabbed him by the collar and put his face next to Daniel's and hissed, "WHY? Because I am the team leader, that's why! Now, go! Be fast and for Pete's sake, be QUIET! Becuase if Marilyn catches you, it will be the last thing you ever do!"
Jack and Rafe positioned the ladders very quietly against the balcony. Jerry whispered, "Are you guys ready?"
Daniel, Rafe and John nodded in agreement. Roger grinned, "Gentlemen? Start your engines!"

The girls decided to give each other pedicures, manicures and facials. Marthy smiled contentedly. "Ah, this is wonderful! You are turning me into a right proper lady, you are!" Bess held her hand out and examined the blood red nail polish.
"This is just TOO COOL!"
Celeste came in with vanilla vodka that she had put in the freezer earlier.
Eleanor took one sip."Celeste, this is DIVINE!"
Rose stopped in mid-pedicure. "Do you hear something?"
Eleanor looked up. "Probably that bookcase. I MUST togglebolt that tomorrow!"
Rose shrugged and continued to paint her toenails.

On the balcony, Rafe ran one way and Daniel ran the other. Unfortunately it was TOWARDS each other and they collided. John hissed, "YOU IDIOTS!" They picked themselves up and each opened the respective bedroom windows.
John stealthily walked to Rosamond's dresser drawer. He whispered to himself, "Forgive me, my love! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do...!"
He grabbed a bunch of her thongs and what's this? a G-string? Rose, darling, where did THIS come from?...He reached in and grabbed a bunch of her bras and a few garter belts for good measure.
Meanwhile, Rafe went into Eleanor's room. Yeah, this is familiar! The infamous jewelry caper! He rummaged in her drawers. Let's see, underwear is usually small drawers on top. He pulled out a handful of sports bras and Lycra spandex. What is she, a jock? He stuffed them down his sweater.
Daniel quickly opened Bethia's dresser drawer. He didn't want to really take Beth's underwear out of deference to Roger. Roger was an OK guy and Beth cut him a break several times. Looks like Miss Beth likes lacy stuff. Bikini briefs and lacy bras. OK, I'll at least throw them down to Rog.
On to Marilyn's room. What an Amazon! I can thank her for a broken leg, punched noses, black eyes, racked...what have we here? He rummaged around.
"YOW! YOW! YOW!" Daniel shook his hand but it wouldn't come off--whatever it was!

Marilyn stood up. "Looks like we caught us a rat, girls!"
Marilyn and Eleanor grabbed rope. The rest of the girls rushed outside. Eleanor and Marilyn threw ropes around Jerry and Jack and bound them up. They put up no resistance because their reflexes were alcohol-inhibited. Roger had too much to drink and had passed out on the lawn. Marthy and Bess grabbed the ladders and removed them from the balcony, throwing them down in the yard.
Daniel crawled out of Marilyn's window, the contraption still on his hand. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" He yelled to Rafe. Rafe hesitated, underwear in his shirt and on his arms. John stood there on the roof, swaying.
"Hi, Rosamond!" he drunkenly said. Rose stood down there and yelled back. "Don't you 'hi' me!"
Rafe was trying to get the mousetrap off Daniel's hand. Daniel stood there shaking it furiously. "For Pete's sake, stand still!" Rafe said. Marilyn shouted up to them. "Remember the song, 'Up on the Roof'? Marilyn starts to sing,
Right smack dab in the middle of town
I've found a paradise that's trouble proof
Up on the roof
And if this world starts getting you down....

The rest of the girls join in and sang:
There's room enough for two ...OR THREE!
Up on the roof!


Daniel throws the mousetrap off the roof at Marilyn and yells, "You bitch! At least get me some ice!"
The girls dissolve into laughter. Jerry and Jack struggle against their ropes to no avail.
Eleanor got her face close to Jerry's, grabbed him by the shirt front and said, "Remember, dear, I was the champion at Renaissance Festival. You aren't getting out of that until I undo it for you." She fanned her face. "How much have you all had to drink, anyway?"

Rosamond yelled at John. "I don't care if you have to stay up there all night long! And it won't do you guys any good to crawl back in because as you were trying to get the mousetrap off Numbskull's fingers, Celeste locked all the windows. Looks like you'll be stargazing all night long!" Eleanor said to Marthy and Bess. "Take the ladders to the shed, lock the doors and bring the key inside."
They scurried off, totally in awe of Marilyn and Eleanor.
Eleanor said, "Looks like the three of you are stuck there for the rest of the night!"
Marilyn asked, "What do we do with the little dogies we hog-tied down here?"
Eleanor said, "Loosen them up. I figure it will take them, in their condition, about an hour to untie them. IF they can find their feet!"
John thought he was whispering to Rosamond but said loudly, "Aw, come on, babe, sneak upstairs and think of an excuse to go to bed...then unlock your window and I can crawl in..."
Rose yelled back, "NO WAY, JOSE!"
John got mad and threw her G-string down at her. "Never saw THIS before!" he yelled at her as she turned to go inside.
It caught Daniel's attention. "Hey, neither did I! That must be new!"
John had enough and finally landed a punch right on Daniel's eye.
Bachelor smoker was now officially over.
Score:
Girls=1 Guys=0


The women went back in the house and burst out laughing.
"Did you see Daniel's face....?"
"Rafe trying to get that trap off....?"
"John--thought he was whispering but it was at the top of his voice...!"
"And Jerry and Jack trussed up like pigs on a spit...!"
"Roger-poor baby, he was so tired he fell asleep on the lawn!" That was from Bethia.
Eleanor looked at Bethia, whispered something in her ear and Bethia gave out her little "oh!"
Marilyn dusted off her hands. "I KNEW they would pull a stunt like that! Well, we showed THEM!"
"I'm going to check on them." Rose said.
Eleanor said, "I am going with you. I don't trust you, Rose. It would be just like you to sneak John up to your room. And with your luck, you'd get Daniel and the whole cycle would start all over again!"
Rose got indignant but everyone laughed and so did she.
Eleanor and Rosamond snuck very quietly to her room, crawling on the floor, careful to avoid the moonbeams through the French doors. Rose whispered to Eleanor, "The window is cracked open. We can hear what they are talking about!" They flattened themselves against the floor.

John yelled out to Jerry, "Right fine idea you had there, Jerry, old pal! Now you guys are trussed up like calves at a rodeo and I'm stuck up here with these two jokers!"
Rafe stood up. "I think I'm gonna puke!"
Daniel looked at him irritated. "Then go over to the corner and puke over the edge AWAY from everyone!"
Rafe staggered around the corner.
Daniel said, "Thanks for the shiner, John. It's gonna look real good at the wedding!'
John snapped, "What do you care? It's not like it's YOUR wedding!"
Daniel said, "Hey, I'm not the enemy here! Montgomery is! If he were out of the picture, it would be just you and me--mano e mano."
Rose looked at Eleanor and then silently banged her head on the floor. Eleanor was trying to stifle her laughter.

Rafe staggered back. "Whew! Don't feel any better, though!"
Daniel yelled down, "Hey, Jack! How are you two coming with those ropes?" "Not so good! Eleanor sure knows the ropes!"
The women looked at each other and mouthed, knows the ropes? They covered their mouths to keep from laughing and started shaking with the giggles.
Rafe said, "It was a really revealing evening."
Daniel laughed. "It certainly was! Questions like 'first kiss' and 'ideal woman'. Things you never stop and think about!"
Rose whispered to El, "They had the same list! Can you believe it?"
John's head shot up. "Did you hear that? Whispering?" He walked over to Rose's window and peered in. El and Rose flattened themselves against the floor and lay motionless.

Daniel stood up. "Well, I for one, do NOT intend to stay up here all night. I am going to jump! Those bushes should cushion my fall!"
Rafe looked at him. "Are you nuts?"
John looked dubiously, "I don't know, Daniel." Daniel sneered, "I don't think she's going to let you in, John. Ever the optimist, aren't you?"
John looked down and smiled. "OK, Daniel, be my guest!"
Daniel walked over to the edge, and flung himself down. "OW! OW! @#%%^&" John peered over the side and said, "Guess I forgot to tell you, Daniel. William planted rose bushes there!"


Eleanor and Rose went back downstairs. "Daniel went 'over the wall' so to speak,"
El said. "Did you know they had the same list as us?"
Marilyn smiled. "Luke wanted to have a smoker for Roger and he was at a loss. So I helped him plan it right down to their food. I made him promise NO ALCOHOL but I knew they would eventually. I just stalled it off until they didn't listen to their consciences anymore."
The girls looked out the window. Bess said, "Sure would like to be a fly on the wall for THAT one!"
Rose shuddered, "I wouldn't!"
Marthy said, " I don't hear anything outside, either."
Rose and El went back up to her room, crawling across the floor again. El peeked through the French door glass. "No one on the roof! Guess they managed to get down." She stood up. "There's a pile of rope in the yard but no one in it!"
Rose and El high-fived each other. "CHICKS RULE!" they said.

The sun was coming up. Rose yawned. "I haven't been this exhausted since Julie was born! Now, THAT was an all-nighter! I'd better get home. I've got to get some sleep. My husband comes home tonight. Hey, girls, I have to say, that was the MOST fun I ever had!"
Eleanor and Bethia gave her a hug. Eleanor said, "Harry 'Hotspur' Percy, huh! I knew his father. Little Harry always was a terror. But gorgeous!" Rose laughed, "And swift! My underwear probably still is up in Gran's loft!"
She kissed all the girls goodbye and gave a special hug to Marthy. She whispered, "Hon, you are the best! I admire you!" Marthy hugged her back. "And I am in AWE of YOU!" Rose smiled, "Learn from me, Marthy--of what NOT to do!"
Rose got in her car, waved goodbye and headed home.


"PARADISE BY THE DASHBOARD LIGHT".....by Terri

When she pulled into the carpark, Rosamond left her overnight case in the car. J.R. was out with the horses. Rose wandered over there. J.R. said, "Well, darlin' you sure keep early hours."
Rosamond yawned, "I sure do! I feel like I never went to bed!"
"To the gym, huh? You sure keep fit!'"
Rose smiled, "Can't miss a day! I'm going upstairs and taking a nap! For some reason I am just so tired!"
She slipped up the stairs without arousing the interest of Mary Ellen. Juanita was playing with Julie. "Hi, Miss Rose! Have a nice time at the slumber party?"
Rose flopped on the bed. "Oh, Juanita, it was the absolute most fun! We talked, did manicures, pedicures....well, all sorts of stuff!" Juanita observed, "You look like you want to fall over dead! Did you get ANY sleep?"
Rose smiled, "None whatsoever!"
Juanita said, "Good for you! That's the way it should be! Your friend surrounded by the girls she loves for one last blast!"
Rose smiled in reverie. "A blast is what it was!"
Juanita said, "I'm going to take Julie for a walk and then we will go to lunch to meet my sister. She loves kids, so don't worry about the little one!"
Rose looked at Juanita. "Have I told you how much I appreciate your help?"
Juanita grew embarrassed, "Yes, you have, Miss Rose! Now you get some sleep. After all, Mr. M comes home tonight. I'm sure you want to be refreshed for him! And then the wedding tomorrow!"
Rose took off her clothes and slipped under the covers. No sooner did her head hit the pillow than she was asleep. Before she knew it, it was 4:00 PM. She bolted upright at the sound of the phone ringing.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Sugah, it's me! Thought I'd let you know Bobby Joe is picking me up at the airport and I should be home by 10:00 PM. Wait up for me!"
"I'll try."
"What do you mean, I'LL TRY? I've been gone for a week!"
Rose sighed, "OK, OK. I should be home by 10:00. But don't forget, I have to be at Bethia's rehearsal dinner tonight. Then I have to be at her house mid-afternoon tomorrow to do our hair and makeup and nails and get dressed..."
"Well, what time WILL you be home? And it damn well better be before 10:00, little girl!"
"Don't you 'little girl' me! I'll be home when I am home!"
Rose slammed the phone down. What drives me crazy? Should be a picture of Billy Bob with a footnote that says, 'see him'.
Billy Bob slammed his phone down, too. Damn, she drives me nuts! He dialed Bobby Joe's cellphone.
"Talk to me!"
"Hey, BJ, I get in to the Chappaqua train station from Albany at 9:30. Still able to pick me up?"
"No problem. Uncle Jed will let me loose. I'll be waiting for you. How did the bar exam go?"
Billy Bob said, "Nothing to it, really. I know I aced it. Yep, pretty soon I will be a full fledged New York attorney."
Bobby Joe said, "What do you intend to do with it?"
Billy Bob laughed, "Damned if I know! By the way, have you seen Rosamond while I was gone?"
Bobby Joe hesitated. He promised Tequila Sunrise he'd keep quiet about her over-indulgence earlier that week. And seeing she took a cab home and didn't leave with that Marlboro man, no need to upset him. So he said, "Uh, she did stop in to meet Verla that one night. She seemed OK." No need to tell him that Verla didn't show up. Why fan the flames? "OK, she thinks I am flying in from Austin. I'll tell her when I actually get the test results that I took the bar exam. I'll see you tonight."

Rosamond took a shower and took care of Julie, giving her a bath, feeding her and playing with her. Julie laughed and smiled. Rose picked her up. "You are so precious, sweetie!" and kissed her on the neck. "Did you have fun with your daddy the other night?"

By 6:30 PM, Julie went to sleep and Rosamond knocked on Juanita's door. "I'm going to the rehearsal and dinner now. I should be back about 10:30 PM. I think she is down for the night, Juanita, but keep the baby monitor on and check on her a couple times, allright?"
Juanita said through the door, "No problem, Miss Rose!"
Rosamond changed into a red slip-dress and low heels. She twisted her hair into an updo and clipped it and headed over to the big house.
Everyone was waiting to go to the chapel in the woods. Roger and John were bleary-eyed and sheepish. Rose looked at them and shook her head. "You two should be ashamed of yourselves! Stealing underwear!"
Roger said, "My hands are clean!"
John protested, "It was all Jerry's idea."
Jerry was indignant, "You guys were over the top over the idea, so don't lay the blame on me!"
"Ok, let's see---we have William, Celeste, El, Jerry, John, Rose, Marilyn, Roger, me, and Roger's friend Patrick O'Malley is meeting us there. Everyone ready? How are we going to divvy up? Who rides with whom?"
William spoke up, "Celeste can come with me, since she is co-ordinating the bridesmaids walking down the aisle."
El nudged Marilyn, "Let's let William and Celeste ride alone and see what happens!"
Marilyn dissolved into giggles. "Maybe she has some red berries for him..!"
John and Rose looked at each other. El spoke up, "No sense in asking if you two are riding together. Guess the answer is yes!"
Rose took one look at John's bloodshot eye and said, "Yes--but I'm driving!"

The rehearsal and the dinner afterwards went without a hitch.
Patrick O'Malley was a hotshot lawyer from the City who practiced at the same law firm that JFK Jr. had. He was a redhaired green-eyed Irishman with a gift for gab.
The dinner was held at a ritzy restaurant. William raised his glass in a toast. "To Bethia and Roger, a love that time transcends!"
They raised their glasses and echoed the sentiment. Bethia looked around at all her friends. "I love you all! And this is exactly as it should be!"
John said under his breath to Rosamond. "Damn well should be this way. I'm getting tired of this, Rosamond. I'm too old for this high school stuff."
Rose said, "Please don't start in, John. Not tonight."
After dinner, Eleanor and Jerry were heading out for cappucino. "Anyone else want to go?"
Bethia yawned. "I need to get my rest. Roger, don't even think of joining them! I want to see those brilliant blue eyes surrounded by WHITE, not red tomorrow! Use Visine if you have to!"
Celeste and William said, "Well, we'll join you!"
Patrick O'Malley held out the chair for Marilyn. "I'll escort Marilyn home. Isn't it wild? Her name is Marilyn and she's a dead ringer for MM the actress! Lucky me!"

Rose and John got up to leave. "John has to drop me back at my car and I have to get home. Is it really 10:30 already?" she frowned.
John opened the door for Rosamond. "We need to talk, Rose. I've done alot of serious thinking."
Rose sighed. "Please, John, not tonight. I have alot on my mind."
John drove silently and turned down a dirt road by the lake. Rose said, "Weren't we here before?"
John shut the engine off. "I'm tired of this. Something has to change. I'm 30, you are 22. I can't wait the rest of my life for you to make up your mind. Either we are a couple who can go out in the light of day or we call it quits. No more hiding in the shadows. This is no way for you or me. I want to marry you, Rose. Bethia and Roger have given me inspiration. And courage. And a backbone. Are you happy with Montgomery?"
Rose's eyes started to tear up. "No, I'm not. He's domineering, he's controlling, and it keeps getting worse and worse."
John slammed his fist down on the dashboard. "Then DO something about it. Julie is my daughter, we proved that. You have no right to deny me the pleasure of watching her grow up. I want to have more children, Rose. Little Will keeps asking me when I am going to be his daddy. What do I tell him? When his mommy makes up her mind? I can't afford to have you treat me like you did over that Penelope affair."
Rose held him tight. "He's not going to let me go. He said he will kill you."
John disentangled her from his neck gently and looked into her eyes. "No, he won't. Not if he has political plans like his daddy has for him. I hear things at the Dew Drop Inn."
Rose cried, "I'm afraid of him, John. He has such a temper!"
"Then move back with William and the rest of us! Get a restraining order!"
John cradled her in his arms. "OK, let's let it go until Beth and Roger get married. But I think we need to re-think our relationship. We'll talk about it later."
He tilted Rosamond's chin up to his and kissed her. Before they knew it, the windows were fogged up.
The flash of lights and a knock on the window brought them to their senses.
The officer sighed, "OK, come out, hands up!"
Rose and John spilled out of the car. His shirt was tucked out, tie was askew, hair disheveled. Rose was barefoot and one strap was hanging down, broken. She kept reaching to hold up one of her stockings. Officer McGee smiled in genuine pleasure. "Well, Miss Montgomery! We meet again!"

Then his eyes narrowed.
"Miss Montgomery! Have you been...molested?" Travis McGee turned on John. "What have you been doing...OK, hands on the car!"
John put his hands on the car and Officer McGee patted him down. "OK, you're not carrying...at least it wasn't at gunpoint!"
He shone his flashlight in John's face. "Those eyes look pretty bloodshot!"
John retorted, "That's because you're shining that light in my face!"
Rose piped in with, "But, Officer, you dont' understand..."
Officer McGee said, "No need to say anything, Miss Montgomery! I understand perfectly. The broken strap, the, the...stockings. There, there, Miss Montgomery. You are perfectly safe now, dear. Wait in the squad car!"
Rose said, "But..."
Officer McGee said, "Please, Miss. I'll handle this. I insist!"
McGee walked back to his squad car, calling for backup.
Rose gave John an imploring look, "What do we do?"
John said, "Better do what he says. If we get separated and don't see each other, call me in the morning. If I don't hear from you at least I'll see you at the wedding. NOW GO before I get in more trouble."
Rose whispered, "Can't this guy figure out what was going on?"
John whispered back. "Obviously he lives in a Disney world. Bet his mommy still wears pearls and heels to clean the house!"
Within a minute, Officer Carson came in his patrol car. He was a powerful strapping man. "OK, Travis, what's the problem?"
McGee was getting slightly outraged. "Possible DUI and obvious, uh, molestation. Taking advantage of this young lady. I'm going to personally deliver her back to the Montgomery Ranch to her brother."
Carson stared, "But Montgomery doesn't have..."
The panicked look on Rose's face made Carson shut up.
"Sure. By all means. Drop her off. I'll deal with the, uh, suspect here." Officer McGee handled Rose like she was a china doll, making sure she was comfortable in the car.
Officer Carson watched McGee's patrol car drive off. He turned to John and burst out laughing.
"OK, John, what went down here?"
John leaned against his car. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Have you been drinking?"
"Two glasses of champagne. My friends are getting married tomorrow."
"OK, I'll skip the breathalyzer and tell Joe Friday there that it came back negative. Now about the other...who's the chick? I didn't know Montgomery had a sister!"
His eyes narrowed. "..or does he?"
John looked at the ground and scuffed his boot."No, he doesn't."
Carson said, "But he DOES have a wife that fits that description. ARE YOU NUTS? The guy keeps a loaded Winchester in his barn!"
John looked up. "Don't I know it? Look, in a nutshell, this is it. She was my woman before Montgomery came on the scene and under circumstances I don't feel I want to get into and we don't have all night, he stole her from me. But we never stopped loving each other."
Carson smiled, "Ahh, stolen moments, love on the run, all that Motown stuff, huh?"
Carson patted John on the shoulder. "OK, John, I'll tell McGee that you cleared the breathalyzer.."
"And the other?"
Carson said, "Haven't figured that one out yet. Maybe just say you are a randy dude and she was an inexperienced chick and I reamed you and told you if this ever happens again, you'll face charges. Contributing to the delinquency of a well, she's not a minor...whatever! Glad to see you bought that fitness center. Vic was mucking it up. See you at the gym."
"Thanks, Alan. I appreciate it."
Carson got in his squad car, gave John a thumbs up and said, "Great taste but stupid, boy!" and drove off.

Rosamond sat in the patrol car and was quiet all the way to the ranch. Now how am I going to explain this one? Broken dress strap, no shoes, it's after 11:00. Billy Bob is going to be livid anyway. He demanded I be home when he's there. Oh, yeah, I'm in big trouble with the cowboy now!
She leaned her head against the patrol car window.
Travis McGee looked over at her, his rage at John mixed with pity for this poor innocent child. (yeah, right!)
"Uh, Miss Montgomery....do you, uh, want me to take you, uh, to a uh, Rape Crisis Center?"
Rose's head shot up. "WHAT? Certainly NOT! Why would you..." she looked at her broken strap, her stocking drooping down, no shoes. "Oh. No, thank you, Officer, there's no need to...it didn't progress that far."
She fought the urge to burst out laughing. He must be from the South, flower of southern womanhood, sanctity of hearth and home, all that stuff. If only he knew John was a Puritan! Hey, Office McGee, can you say....courtesan?
"I'll go up and explain to your brother about that...that wolf and what happened."
He started to get out of the car. Rose put a hand on his arm and stopped him. He looked down where her hand was and felt warm and fuzzy inside. "My brother has a very bad temper, he just got back from a week long trip and I don't think he would be in a very good mood. It would be best to let me handle him. I can calm him down. Thank you very much for your assistance. It is wonderful to know there are men like you on the force protecting us."
He touched her hand and squeezed it. Rose got out of the car.
"Miss Montgomery, I would like to call you sometime to see if you want to go to a movie and maybe out for an ice cream soda someday soon."
Rose was already out of the car and said, "What? Oh, yes...yes." Her mind was already formulating excuses and arguments. Oh, Lord, it wasn't going to be pretty.
Officer McGee smiled from ear to ear. "Allright then, I'll give you a call."
"Huh? Oh, yes, yes, that will be fine..." She closed the door. Guess he wants to call to make a police report. I'll think of something.
Officer Travis McGee hummed a little doo wop tune. Looks like I have a date real soon!


WELCOME HOME, DARLING!.......by Terri

Rosamond limped across the lawn in her bare feet. Officer McGee was waiting for her to get into the house. She turned and waved him on when she got to the door.
She looked down at the mess she was. I'd better think quick. Nothing was coming to her. J.R. and Mary Ellen were in the other room watching TV. "That you, Rosamond?"
Rose hurried up the back stairs and called down, "Yes. Goodnight!"
She turned the knob on the bedroom door, not knowing what to expect. She heard the shower running. What a break! He's in the shower!
She dropped her dress, shoving it under the bed, and grabbed her robe. She knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Billy Bob? I'm home." He yelled, "I'M IN THE SHOWER AND I AM DAMN HARD TRYING TO COOL OFF!"

Rose muttered to herself, well, let me help you, darling. She stood at the vanity off the bathroom door and turned the hot water on. From the other side of the door, Billy Bob yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, FREEZE ME TO DEATH? TURN THAT DAMN FAUCET OFF!"
She yelled back, "Oh, excuse me, Darling! I forgot!" She dusted off her hands and said to herself, Gotcha! She hurriedly called Eleanor on the phone.
"El?" she whispered.
Eleanor said, "Who's this? I can't hear you!"
"It's me, Rose. Where are you?"
"The four of us are at Starbucks."
"I need you to do me a favor."
"What now, Rose?"
"When you get home, you will see my car still there. I'm at home, I'll explain tomorrow. Or ask John about it. I need you to turn my car lights on."
"But Rose, that will run the battery down."
"Precisely. I need a dead battery so when Billy Bob shows up with jumper cables, it really will be dead!"
Eleanor sighed. "You have more schemes than Lucy Ricardo!"
Rose whispered, "Just do it! Please! Gotta go!"
Eleanor walked back to the table. "You aren't going to believe THIS one..."

Billy Bob came out of the shower in his terrycloth robe. He was freshly shaven and he was furious. To say the least.
"Do you know what time it is? It's after 11:30 PM. I've been away for a week. A WEEK, Rosamond! And where have you been? Out with your friends?"
Rose stood up to him. "I had a rehearsal dinner. You know Bethia gets married tomorrow. She's like a sister to me! And I am darn well going to be there for her. She's marrying my obstetrician. If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have found Roge at all. So YES! I was there and I am going to make sure this is the happiest day of her life! If you want to stay home, be my guest! But I am going to have a wonderful time at the wedding, with or without you!"
Billy Bob grabbed her by the arm. "Half the time I couldn't even get in touch with you. Just what have you been doing while I've been gone, Missy?"
Rose jerked her arm away. "I have been trying on dresses, helping Bethia decide. I've been shopping. I've been taking care of Julie. Housewife stuff while you have been having a grand old time in Austin with your sister and brother in law."


Billy Bob was mad beyond all reason. "Until late into the night? I couldn't reach you until almost midnight that one night!"
"I told you, I had my cellphone in my purse and it was upstairs on the bed. You take these trips for a week--do I question where YOU go? NO! For all I know you could be cruising the red light district!"
Billy Bob walked over to the window and looked out across the drive. He turned with controlled fury and asked, "And just where is your car and how did you get home?"
Rosamond retorted, "It just so happens that when Eleanor took me to get my car, the battery was dead. I left the lights on, it had been raining and I forgot I had turned them on. El took me home and dropped me off at the front gate and I walked up. It's no big deal, we just go over there with jumper cables tomorrow."
He said quickly, "With all those vehicles there, no one had jumper cables? I find that VERY hard to believe, Sugah."
"FYI, DARLING, Eleanor and I were the only ones back."
Billy Bob got in Rose's face. "You know, you never were too clear on who exactly is in the wedding."
Rose backed up against the bed. "William is giving her away. Celeste is co-ordinating the women which is Marilyn, El and I. Best man is Roger and his friend Patrick is an usher." He said, "You seem to be short one gentleman, darling. Why is that?"
Rose stood her ground. "Am I?"
"Yes, and I think I know exactly why. It's him isn't it?"
"HIM who?"
"John Gwinnett. Stands to reason. You were at that rehearsal dinner with him, weren't you?"
Rose said, "Don't be absurd!"
Billy Bob gave her a shove and she landed on the bed.
"How DARE you!" she shouted and jumped back up.

The shouting and yelling continued. Mary Ellen looked up at the ceiling and then turned to J.R. "Do you suppose you should go up and do something about it?"
J.R. smiled, "No, I don't. It will stop shortly. Probably their way of saying, 'Hi, honey, I missed you and sure am glad you're home! Don't forget, Mary Ellen, we used to go at it pretty good ourselves!"

Billy Bob pushed Rose back down and raised his hand. Rose screamed out "HENRY! NO!" That brought Billy Bob to his senses. "Henry? HENRY? Oh, Rosamond! Oh, darling, I am so sorry. I don't know what got into me. Is that what happened? He struck you? Darling, please forgive me! I didn't mean it! Sometimes you make me so crazy with jealousy, I love you so much, Rosamond, the thought of another man.."
He reached out to hold her and comfort her but she jumped up quickly, ran to the baby's room and locked the door.
Billy Bob sat on the bed and ran his fingers through his hair. Oh, this was a GREAT homecoming!

Mary Ellen and J.R. heard the door slam and then silence. J.R. looked triumphantly his wife and said, "There! I told you! He's home and she's glad of it!"
Mary Ellen just stared at the TV, picked up the remote and said, "Hmmmph!"

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