Chapter XXII: The last rose

The rose maiden
Copyright © Stephanie Pui-Mun Law 1999.
Used with permission.

My wounds due to the boar were almost healed, but I was weakening with each day passing by. I tried to hide it to Stoat, but I could see, to her worried look, that she felt there was something wrong. I knew for quite a long time now that I was due to die, but I didn't want to die in my bed, feeling powerless: I knew it from the very moment I had dreamt of a dying beast in my gardens.
So, one night, I used a drain spell and weakened a bit Stoat, so that she would fall asleep despite herself. Then I silently got up from my bed and left my room. The corridors were still as dark as I had always known them, but there was something different, even if I couldn't tell it. I felt I should have known it, but I couldn't point it out. It was almost as if my castle was haunted. I thought fugitively to the dead beast, but I knew he couldn't be haunting this castle: he was already haunting Beauty's heart and my mind.
I was almost frightened in those corridors so familiar to me; each shadow startled me and I knew I was too weak to defend myself if I needed to do so. I hid behind every pillar, looking carefully around me before going to the next pillar and when I arrived to the big stair, I stayed behind my pillar even more longer, looking suspiciously at each step. Then, cautiously, I went out my shelter and ventured in the stair. I stopped almost immediately: there was something downstairs, something waiting for me, something terrible without any doubt!
Then, suddenly, I frowned: why was I so shy and frightened? I had never been frightened of anything - except perhaps to tell my feelings to Beauty, but that was another thing - and I didn't understand why I was acting this way in my own castle! Nothing could be frightening in that castle. It was mine, I knew each stone, each corridor as if I had made them myself; I smiled lightly: in a certain way, I had really made them, knowing how much I had played with the topography of the corridors.
This feeling of something waiting for me downstairs wasn't unknown to me; I had already felt it and my memory quite shaken by the recent events wasn't of any help. Then it dared to emit a vague reminiscence: the nightmares the fairy had sent to Beauty. Then, in a last effort, my memory gave me the whole thing: the dream-catcher, the nightmares and how I had walked in them to understand Beauty's fears and to try to help her to overcome them. I almost marvelled at that kindness coming from me, even if a trace of guilt remained deep inside me, for Beauty would never have had those nightmares hadn't she come here.
I knew thus what was waiting for me downstairs was a big cat, sleeping peacefully, having absolutely nothing to do here. But what would happen if there wasn't the cat? The fairy probably knew I had recovered my memory, she had to know it! And she couldn't just play with me and my memory like that, without changing things. She probably had changed something, a tiny detail perhaps, that could suddenly become very important. If it wasn't the cat waiting for me downstairs, maybe it was really a monster ready to pounce on me to attack me.
"And perhaps it's Beauty, ready to jump in your arms, too!" I said loudly to myself, ironically.
I almost started at the sound of my own voice. It sounded sinisterly in this empty space, in this big stair. Then, laughing at my own fear, I shrugged and went down the stairs. In fact, there was any cat, but rather a dog. I raised the eyebrows, surprised; the cat had been the exception, with Beauty's kitten - I wondered what had happened to this little beast - so I was quite astonished to discover a dog. But, thinking again, there wasn't any reason anymore to keep animals far from my castle: I wasn't a Beast anymore, so there was no reason for them to be afraid.
I patted gently the dog on the head; it yawned, showing impressive fangs, and stood up, wagging its tail.
"Hush, little one!" I whispered, using unconsciously Beauty's terms of affection for the animals. "Don't wake them up, they would send me again to my bed like a naughty boy!"
The dog wagged its tail even more, as if it was agreeing.
"You come with me?" I asked it.
So, the dog on my heels, I wandered in my castle, trying to recognise everything; I knew now why I hadn't recognise it at once: the fairy had given me back the memory I had before her curse, so I had never seen this castle. But now, I was finding again my points of reference, but something grieved me: I hadn't the same way to move as I had while being a Beast. Then, I was able to move silently, my eyes piercing enough so I would see in the dark as under the sun's light; now everything seemed to be gigantic, whereas I had always considered it as quite normal. The huge walls, with the stern portraits on them, were grey, quite sinister. For the first time, I saw this castle as Beauty had seen it: a dark and cold place, looking more like a tomb than like a castle where to live.
I sighed and touched a wall with my fingertips. Whatever it was, it was my castle above all, even if it was grey, cold and dark. It somehow reflected my mood and my temper. I smiled: what would I do with a white castle? It would only hurt my eyes, so used to darkness. I almost laughed at that silly idea; the dog was looking at me with an air quite perplexed and it increased my desire to laugh.
Seeing a stool covered with claret velvet, I sat on it, leaning my back against the wall, feeling acutely the cold in my bones. I was very weary; I had overestimated my own forces and I wished I was back in my bed. But then, I suspected that this constant watch over me had a specific reason to be: they were hiding something from me and I didn't like that. I wasn't a child anymore to not be told everything. It was obviously something serious, if not, they would have told me.
Perhaps they thought that I was near my end and they wanted to spare me, but I didn't want to be spared. I wanted to live exactly as I had lived before until the very last moment. What could it be? Then a sudden thought turned me to ice: what if Beauty... Beauty... Finally I managed to formulate clearly the thought in my mind: what if Beauty was dead? They knew I needed her to live and, even if she had left me, I still had a tiny hope she would come back or that I would see her again, crossing my path... But then, if she was dead, nothing could move me again and I would just have to let me die... No, no, it was impossible! My little Beauty couldn't be dead! No one was cruel enough to take her from me like that! No one! Except... the fairy.
My heart had a pang of anguish and it was as if I couldn't breathe anymore.
"Please, Shuqra, do protect her! She's so fragile, so very vulnerable! I'm unworthy of thy attention, but her! Oh, her! It's something else! She would make thee proud!" I begged in the silence of my heart.
Without a warning, the fairy appeared before me. My heart sank immediately: how could she dare to appear there, except if she was having her way?
"So, will you be reasonable at last?" she asked sharply.
"Reason-what?" I replied wearily. "Stop using words you don't even know!"
"Very funny. So you don't want to be reasonable?"
I pretended to ponder, then I said:
"No, it doesn't tempt me. Especially when you are losing so beautifully."
"Losing? Me? Nice try for a joke. You are losing, dear one."
"Huh huh," I replied, not convinced.
"See your dog. Have you ever seen a dog in this castle? What if I..."
"You forget Raynal," I interrupted her.
She had a wavering moment.
"I never forget anything," she decided. "So what if I had transformed your dear beloved Beauty in this quite awful dog?"
"I think it's a nice dog," I said. "But you can't. With me, it was easy, because my soul is an ugly one, so it could be reflected by the appearance of the Beast, but Beauty's soul is a gentle and kind one. You wouldn't have been able to find a shape able to match the beauty of her soul, except her own."
My answer left her quite speechless.
"So you're really in love! That's quite interesting, a Beast in love with a beautiful girl! A Beast is thus able to love?"
"I'm no more a beast," I reminded her, "even if I learnt to love Beauty under my Beast's shape."
"We can work on that, if you wish...," she said, simpering.
"I already told you: I'd rather be a Beast with Beauty than a man without her."
"And with Rose Line?"
"I prefer to be dead," I replied at once.
"So be it!" she said mysteriously.
She half-faded away and then reversed the process, as if she had forgotten something.
"Oh, by the way, since you think I'm losing beautifully, go to your gardens and see how I lose. I know it's hardly past midnight, but you're used to darkness, aren't you?"
Then she disappeared and this time, it was for good. The dog had put his head on my knees and I stroked it mechanically, thinking lengthily. The beast groaned and I looked down at it, half-smiling.
"Quite awful, huh, boy? I said, stroking one of its ears. "Fortunately I recovered my senses before she became my stepmother!"
I laughed and then I sighed as I stood up. I was more tired than I thought I was. Still followed by the dog, I went to my gardens. I knew that if the fairy had done something, it was in my roses gardens.
I walked slowly, enjoying this little walk in the night. The last time I had really walked - except the trip with Tiger - was so long ago that I marvelled at almost everything. The cool air of the night stroked gently my cheeks, bringing to me all the fragances of my gardens. Obviously the dog was enjoying the walk as well, wagging vigorously its tail and it was clear that it was dying with desire to run this way and that, as if it had been locked up for quite a long time. It sometimes looked up at me, as to beg the permission to run freely, but never waited for my permissions.
"Go on, boy," I said gently. "You need it. Go on! I'd gladly run with you, but I'm far too exhausted for that."
The dog sent me a look full of gratitude and ran away. I smiled and I continued my slow walk until my roses gardens. There, I remained frozen on the spot: when the fairy had raged under a Beast's shape, I had thought that my gardens were devastated, but it was nothing compared to what they were now. There wasn't any rose tree intact, except perhaps one of the little blue one that I was trying so hard to make grow. That was probably the reason why Stoat had tried so much to prevent me form going out.
I sighed deeply. My blue rose tree, even if still whole, was in a pitiful state; I knelt near it, plunged my fingers in the soil around it and thought to the power some books called 'the lost power of the druids', the kind of power that Beauty, as a green witch, was the guardian. I felt this power running in my veins, then into the soil through my fingers as if, so far away, Beauty had heard my prayer and had given me some of her powers.
Under my very eyes, as I had already seen it in my dream, my blue rose tree bloomed again and the poor little rosebud swelled appreciably. I insisted a bit, this time using another spell and the rosebud opened a bit more. I held back my breath: it was the most beautiful blue rose I had ever created, or even seen. But I knew why: instead of selfishness, I had given it love, all the love I had for Beauty and that made the difference.
I stroked gently a soft petal, thinking within myself that Beauty's hair - in my dreams, anyway, and under a beast's paw - were even softer. Sighing again, I stood up and brushed absent-mindedly my knees stained with soil. As I raised the head, I saw the black rose tree holding proudly, in spite of its devastated state, a stem... neatly cut. I examined it more closely. It had some rosebuds, all stillborn, brownish and bending down the head, as if they were ashamed of themselves. The main stem had probably been holding a rosebud too, but perhaps had this one been alive. It hadn't been torn away like everything else; the cut was intentional.
I looked down, sighing, and, despite the darkness - which hadn't bothered me, not even once, since I was in my gardens - I saw black petals on the ground. There were only two of them but it was enough for me to know that the cut stem had been holding an opened rose. Someone had stolen from me and, much worse, someone had stolen from a dead, because this black rose had been meant for the beast's grave. I picked up the two petals, went to the beast's grave, between Raynal's and Geolf's, and knelt in front of it.
I remained silent quite a long time, looking for inspiration in the surrounding night.
"I do not know how to ask for forgiveness," I began, "but I would like to ask for yours. I didn't behave properly toward you - or your memory - and I wanted so much to make amends! I wanted to care for Beauty, so that she wouldn't have been in need ever again, but she fled far away from me. I wanted to give you all the black roses that I would have had, since they were created for you, but someone stole the rose. I only have some petals for you."
Silently now, I put the two petals on the grave, next to the red and white roses that Beauty was used to put. Then, sighing deeply, I stood up. The dog was next to me, watching me with a strange look.
"So, old boy, tired already?" I asked, half-smiling.
But the dog showed me quickly that it wasn't the case: it outstripped me in less than a minute on the way back to the roses gardens. I went directly to the black rose tree and looked at it with something very similar to shame: I had used my powers to cure my blue rose tree and now, I was too weak to cure the black one; but I had sworn to a dead that I would care for the black one, whereas I hadn't sworn to anyone that I would fight for the blue one. The blue rose tree was entirely mine, but that was all. So I felt ashamed, as if I truly knew I had betrayed the trust of a dead, as if I had broken my promise. I knew I would do my best to save it nonetheless, but I should have cared for it first.

As if it was feeling my shame, the dog came toward me and tried to attract my attention. I patted it absent-mindedly on the head, but it persisted, catching my trousers between its teeth and trying to draw me away. I sighed again and followed it, since it seemed so hardly to want me to follow it. To my great surprise, the dog led me to my own castle, entering it as if it was used to. Silently walking in the dark corridors, I followed him till the entry to the vaults, to the darkness of my realm, to the shadows core. It went down the stairs and I heard nothing but the noise of its claws on the slabs.
Regretfully, I followed it as it turned toward me from downstairs; its gaze told me I had to follow it, so I obeyed. I didn't know why I was so obedient, but nonetheless, I did it. As soon as it saw me beginning to go down the stairs, the dog wagged its tail happily and dashed off in the depths of the vault. I had to overcome something like a deep repugnance at each step, but nevertheless I continued to go down the stairs.
I was half-way when I heard something that froze me on the spot: a young voice rang out and exclaimed:
"So here you are again! Where were you then?"
My heart jumped in my chest and sank almost at once. Beauty's voice. But how could she be here, in the vaults of my castle? I ran down the stairs, glad to wear my leather boots so silent, and stared discreetly in the main room. At first, I wouldn't believe my eyes: Beauty was really here, seated on the first step of a huge stair whose end was walled up - I knew it quite well, since I was the one who had walled it up. The dog, lying down near her, its head on her leg, was looking up at her with adoration.
I looked hungrily at her, certain that my gaze reflected the same adoration as the dog's. She never had been far! She was there, so very near me, and I even didn't dare to approach her... I was both overjoyed and tortured: overjoyed to see her again, sure somehow it wasn't a dream, but tortured because I hadn't the will to get out from my hiding place. I leaned against a pillar, feeling even more weaker now that I was seeing her, for the shock had stolen most of my strength from me.
She was holding something, but, placed where I was, I couldn't see what it was. Her other hand, free, was stroking gently the ears of the dog. I wondered briefly where her kitten was and I remembered with a nostalgic smile that she had fallen in the void to protect it from me. As to answer my non formulated question, the kitten showed cautiously its head and ran to Beauty, hiding its nose in her neck. She laughed, a sound that thrilled me, and stopped stroking the dog to pat the kitten. The dog protested at once and Beauty laughed again; she put the kitten near the dog and managed to stroke them both with a single hand.
"So where were you?" she asked again, trying to have a severe tone.
A silence, as if she was really communicating with the dog. Perhaps she could: I had seen Tiger do it with wolves, why couldn't Beauty do it with dogs and cats? That would maybe explain how those two animals had come to my castle, when no beast - except my people and myself - were allowed within the walls.
"Did you see him?" she asked then.
I held my breath: did she mean me? Then I remembered that the dog had found me near the beast's grave. No, of course, Beauty wasn't caring a bit for me: she was only caring for her love, as it was right. I sighed softly, but, fortunately, she didn't hear me.
"How is he?" she continued. "That bad? Oh God... I wish I knew how to cure that... But he can't die, can he? I have the last rose, he can't die..."
Then I saw what she was holding in her arms: a glass cover and, inside, the missing black rose. It was now almost fully open and tears invaded my eyes as I understood that Beauty had used her magic to conserve that single rose. Slowly, silently, I left my hiding place and come kneeling next to her.
"You didn't have to do that, Beauty dear," I said softly, and she started violently, for she hadn't heard me come. "This rose was intended to decorate the grave of your love..."
My voice broke: soon, there would be a fourth grave near the three already existing ones. But no black rose for me, no one to say I had been the love of someone else...
"Why are you here, Beauty? Why aren't you home?"
"I am home," she replied, recovering from her surprise. "You told me to look elsewhere only if this castle wasn't my home..."
I smiled sadly.
"Yes, this castle is your home," I agreed. "And in a few days, it will be even more yours."
"What do you mean?"
"This castle is my gift to you, exactly as I wanted to give this rose to a cold tombstone."
"But where would you live, if you give me your castle?" she insisted, feeling there was something she wasn't understanding quite well.
"I'll be where three become four, Beauty dear."
"No! No, no and no! I won't let you die! Your life is in my hands, now, since I have the last rose and I can keep it in this state forever."
I shrugged; I knew it was already too late: how could a single rose save me, when a whole garden had failed? But I had other things in mind. I wanted to right all the wrong I had made before leaving this world.
"Beauty, you remember once, you said that you were only a girl of a long line of nice girls with a heart too tender for her own sake. You remember that?"
"Yes, I remember," she said slowly. "But you weren't supposed to hear it."
"It was in my castle, wasn't it?" I replied casually.
Then my tone changed: it became more pressing, more imploring:
"Please believe me, Beauty, please believe me! Will you believe me?" I asked then after a silence, shy as a young boy.
She looked at me carefully and then nodded.
"I will," she answered, "for you are uncertain as you were before, and not proud and arrogant as you usually are when you are human."
Her words, not too kind, made me wince.
"You're not a girl lost in the multitude, Beauty," I began. "Not at all! Oh, I don't know how to explain this without making a fool of myself, but I will try nonetheless. True, there were those portraits on my wall, but never have I felt anything for one of them! I liked Sirli, she was gentle and kind; maybe I could have loved her, but I was only seeking a girl liking roses then. The others came to break the curse, because I wanted to be free of this curse. It was so awful, you know! Oh, you must believe me, but they didn't stay very long in my castle! Your stay was the longest of them all, and not only because I wanted to punish you! Raynal tried to present Katherine to you as a rival, but I swear to you she can't stand the comparison. True, she was a gentle girl, kind-hearted, but she hadn't your courage. She liked me, quite certainly, but never would she have stood the view of a Beast as you did."
I stopped a moment, breathless. I wasn't used of speaking so lengthily. Beauty didn't say any word. I continued, trying desperately to make her understand.
"I don't love you because you broke the curse, Beauty, you must believe me! While I was with you, I only thought to the joy of being with you, I wanted to win your love, I wanted to be loved for myself... And you are all I could ever dream of! You are strong, brave and willing, but you are vulnerable too, so I could fancy sometimes that I was your valiant knight rescuing you from time to time. I tried to protect you, but without imprisoning you, because I know how much you want your freedom. And... and you are so very clever, with the finest mind I have ever met! Oh, Beauty, how could I have not loved you for yourself? But then..." I said, bending down the head, "I have been so rude with you, so terribly unfair, I have mistreated you so, how could I be worthy of you now, after all that? He was worthy of you, because, even under his hideous appearance, he succeeded in showing his real soul, his kind heart, and he defied the fairy to save you from her..."
"But you and him are the same person," objected Beauty.
"Are we really?" I answered. "You spoke to me of him as if he was another person and I grew used to think to him as someone else. I'm not him, alas!" I concluded, knowing fully that I was losing Beauty by those very words.
Then, half-closing my eyes, so I wouldn't see my condemnation on Beauty's face, I stood up and prepared to take my leave.
"Where are you going?" she asked me.
"Back to my bed. Dawn will soon be there and Stoat will be furious if she discovers that I left my bed during the night. You can come with me, Lady Beauty, Sevulf will give you a room more proper for you."
I had opened my eyes and I saw her wince when I called her 'Lady Beauty'. She pushed away her kitten and her dog, put down her glass cover for the rose and stood up. I could see she had lost weight since the last time I had seen her. She said slowly:
"In the dream, you said your life was mine."
She was obviously very embarrassed to say that and I half-smiled: despite her boldness, my Beauty remained quite ruled by convention.
"Yes, that's true," I admitted. "I did say that."
"You said too that you couldn't live without me."
"That's true as well," I replied, becoming intrigued.
"Then why are you leaving me? Do you wish thus so hard to die?"
I stared lengthily at her and then, I sighed.
"In the dream you mentioned, you asked me that question many times, but you never answered to mine: why don't you want me to die? I'm two hundred years old, Beauty. That's quite old and even if, under my human shape, I'm less than thirty, I do not wish to live until seventy or more if my life has to be as lonely as the past two hundred years."
"Were you lonely when I was living in this castle?"
"Of course not! Your stay has been the most enjoyable moments of my whole life," I replied at once, sincerely.
She blushed. Then I said softly, my voice breaking at each word:
"In the dream, you were not afraid by human contact and I could caress your hair as I dreamt it so often... I cherished all the moments I had held you in my arms, until the moment I understood that someone else was responsible for this and then, shame destroyed those memories. I will never be able to forget them until the moment I'll die, but then, I will always remember them with the shame of having been so blind. I have to thank you, Lady Beauty, for having taught me what it is to love someone, even if I learnt only too late what it is to be loved... It was worth the suffering even so..."
I turned my back to her so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. I put my foot on the first step of the stair and then, her voice stopped me dead:
"You never wept while you were under the curse. Will you deny me now the right of seeing your tears?"
I turned on my heels, not caring to wipe away the tear rolling on my cheek.
"You want to see me cry?" I asked darkly.
She came toward me and as she looked up at me, a second tear fell from my eyes. She wiped it gently with her fingers and she felt me shivering under her light touch.
"Am I hurting you?" she asked, surprised.
"No-o," I blurted. "It's just... please, Beauty, I can't... I just can't take more of this suffering..."
I tried to escape her, but her light hand on my arm held me more tightly than a dozen chains could have done.
"Which suffering, my lord?" she asked softly.
"You're kind to me, but you will never love me..."
"Why are you so sure of my feelings?"
"Because you love him!" I shouted.
I pressed immediately my hands on my mouth, ashamed of this outburst.
"And what's more, I swore I would never steal your love from your beloved, even if he's dead," I added with a low voice.
"His monstrous appearance is dead, my lord, but not his soul, not his heart! They are still alive in you, my lord!"
I closed the eyes, trying to understand, trying to calm down the wild beats of my heart because she was so very near me... Then I opened them again and asked:
"Why don't you want to let me die as you should?"
"Are you still blind, my lord?" she asked me.
And, trembling at her own boldness, she put her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. Trembling too, fearing a new trick from the fairy, I circled her slim waist with my arms and held her close to me, marvelling that she wasn't jerking away. Then I turned the head to meet her gaze and my lips touched hers. We started both but I didn't see any condemnation in Beauty's eyes, so, my mind shouting I was mad to do so, I dared to kiss her again. She stiffened just a little bit as my arms held her even more tightly, but then she pressed herself against me and one of her little hands caressed gently my hair I hadn't cared to untangle.
I thought it was a dream. I could only be dreaming! Never in real life would I have dared to kiss a girl - above all, not Beauty - and never in real life would she have allowed me to do so! I forced myself to pull free, but the shorter the lovely dream was, the less would be the pain.
"I'm sorry, Lady Beauty," I apologised immediately. "I didn't mean to take advantage like that..."
She looked at me with that serious air of hers and laughed gently, as if she was teasing me.
"Oh God, I understand now why your father was so unconfident about the ball and such!" she exclaimed. "My lord, do you think truly that I would have let you take advantage without my consent? Do you think that, when you know what happened to the man who dared to do it?"
"But..."
"There's no 'but', my lord," she said firmly. "You didn't take advantage of me. Is that clear?"
To show me she was right, she came to snuggle in my arms and I closed them on her without really believing it.