Night,Night
Mood:  cool
Topic: just another night
i can already tell this is going to be a short one . i am at my friends house , babysitting. i went to meth program early, then i spent most of the day running around with my friend C(female). she has a small child . her and her boyfriend wanted to spend some together time , so i am the one who is watching her kid. my counselor gave me an address of another NA meeting, so i might go this weekend . even though i was never a big fan of any meetings i might check it out . i finally told my mom that i have no place to live and that i am pretty much sleeping on park benches , starbucks couches and anywhere else that might be open past 11 pm. she said i can stay with her. cool. thats a big one . its fucking freezing outside and i am tired of lugging all of my shit around. one half is scattered all over nyc at different friends houses, the other one i lug around with me . a lot of people dont believe me when i say i am homeless...what a joke . they think you have to be a dirty, drunk, nasty old bum to be homeless. i know plenty of young (in their teens and 20's) kids who are homeless. and i dont mean couch surfing. i mean HOMELESS. brushing your teeth in McD, sleeping on park benches, "could you spare a cigarette or a quarter" homeless. and thats sad. thats another dose of reality for you . i am tired now. dont think i can type. but i will be back in a day or two . good night. God bless. Crystal

Luxury that we call time
Mood:  down
Topic: melancholy evening
oh great ! what a start... at the very least IT IS a start.I am a 25 year old female, live in nyc,have a husband who adores me , 2 beautiful kids ...It does not sound that bad right? Until i get to the problem part.I never had a diary and i was never known to share any of my emotional or physical xperiences with others ...Which brings me to right here /right now.Why am I sharing this? Mostly , I need to face everything that i kept locked away for many years , to re-discover crystal as a person,wife ,mother ...The truth is that I dont know who I am anymore. I know a miserable,impossible to deal with ,selfish junkie.I dont remember Crystal. But I know that I want to forget todays Crystal.I have to deal with it and forget it..And if in the process I can touch someone and somehow show people what this shit is all about,then I can at least say that I did not just forget . I have a lot of debts to pay . To my family , friends , everyone that i've hurt in the past 10 years . There is too much pain,both emotional and physical. It cant be done and over with just like that. Dear God ,give me that luxury that we call time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is it for now .
God bless , Crystal