If Noah lived in the United States
(or the "State of Hawaii")
Today




And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,
"In one year, I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water
until all flesh is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous people and
two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an
Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God
delivered the specifications for an Ark.

In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete
the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds
covered the earth and all the seas
of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah was sitting in his front yard
sobbing.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where
is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.

"I did my best, but there were big
problems.

First I had to get a permit for construction,
and your plans did not comply with the codes.

I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether
or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices.

Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard,
so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I
needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board.

Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal-rights group.

They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed,
the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental
impact statement on your
proposed flood.

They didn't take very kindly
to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Engineers
demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint
filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission
that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming
that I'm building the Ark in preparation to
flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the 'State' that I owe them
some kind of user tax, and that I failed to register
the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that
since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event and, therefore, unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark
for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the
seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up, with filled hope and awe.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth,
Lord?"

"No," gently replied the Lord, "I don't have to.

The government already has."



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