Sweet Corruption
Title: Sweet Corruption
Part: 19 of 20
Pairing: group slut fic...
Author: Jules
Feedback: I'd love it. Thanks.
Rating: NC 17
Disclaimer: This is a story that I made up all on my own. I do not know or pretend to know any of the Backstreet Boys, their wives, girlfriends or friends. It is fiction, pure and simple.
Loose Ends~Kevin~
Nick’s view from his back porch has got to be one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever seen. He’s overlooking the ocean and it’s just so serene and peaceful here. Especially this early in the morning. I’ve done a lot of thinking since last night and I’ve had some sort of epiphany of sorts. I think that this is what I needed. Last night ...this morning. Just everything. As I sit here thinking, I hear the door open behind me and I half turn to see who it is.
"D. Good morning." I smile at how sleepy he looks. It’s barely been 3 hours since we went to bed and it’s way too early for him to be up. "It’s early. Go back to sleep."
"Morning Kev." He walks over and kisses the top of my head before sitting in the seat beside me. He yawns and stretches, giving me a sleepy smile. "I know... But I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning the entire time we were in there. And then I felt you leave and Bone leave... So I figured that I might as well get up."
We just sat there, watching the sun rise in silence. It was a comfortable silence, no awkwardness at all and that made me feel better. I was really worried about him after everything last night. I knew that we were all okay, because this wasn’t anything new for us, but Howie was still relatively new to our games. Our ways. But he did look more relaxed than I’d seen him in a long time. "Thank you."
"For what Kev?" We both turned our heads at the same time, our eyes meeting.
"For last night. For not freaking. For being you. You could have said no and we would have been all right with that. You do know that right?"
"I know. But I wouldn’t have said no. Couldn’t have said no. It’s something I wanted just as much as you guys."
That surprised me. It was if he’d thought about it before. Not something I would have expected from him. I honestly didn’t think he ever wanted any of us. I mean, after 8 years he never really showed much interest in us sexually. Plus the fact that we hadn’t been hiding our extra curricular activities from him for the past year or so and he’s never expressed an interest... But Howie has always been like that. Keeps his life to himself. Doesn’t reveal too much about himself, even to us.
"But that was it you know." His voice was steady, confident.
"What was what?"
"Last night. That was it. It won’t happen again."
And I wasn’t surprised. I had expected him to say that, to feel that way. "I know."
"I’m in love with him Kevin. I haven’t been sure these past months..."
Did he just say months? Months?
"But last night made me see the difference between my love for you guys, and my love for him. What I had confused for love, was just ..something else. I had to be sure. Had to know what I was getting into ...but I realized I knew all along. I’m in love with Chris, it became so clear last night. It was different with you guys than it’s been with him."
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Howie show that much emotion when talking about his personal life. Hell, I don’t think he’s ever talked that much about his personal life. This truly has been a weekend of revelations.
~Howie~
I was afraid that Kevin would take my admission that last night was the only time that would happen personally. But I needed to make him see that wasn’t the case. That as much as I enjoyed it, and will remember it forever, it wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t think I'd be able to do that all the time. Share myself with people like that. Sex and love are things I can’t take lightly and it showed me just how much my quasi relationship with Chris meant to me. Not that I begrudge them their rights to participate in everything. I honestly don’t care about that. It’s just not for me.
"So... You’re in love with Chris Kirkpatrick then?" I don’t know if it was supposed to be a question or a statement, but Kevin’s voice was curious. I know that out of everyone, he’d be the one to understand about my relationship with Chris.
"Yeah. Crazy in love." I think I’m blushing. Fuck... Now I’m going to go all sappy and get doe eyes thinking about him. But it’s hard. Hard not to be able to show just how happy he makes me. He understands my life, because it’s his life too. It’s like AJ and Nick.. Except that we’re supposed to be enemies, rivals.
"I’m happy for you. Does he feel the same way?" Kevin’s voice sounds strange and he won’t look at me. He’s just looking out at the water and I reach my hand over to his chair, resting it on his arm comfortingly.
"Yeah.. He does. But he doesn’t know how I feel. He’s told me he loves me, but I haven’t been able to say it back. I haven’t been entirely sure up until now, and I didn’t want to say it when I wasn’t certain."
"What was holding you back D? Why weren’t you certain?" His fingers laced with mine and we held hands, both of us shaking slightly.
"You. Alex." I don’t think he was expecting that. Hell, I wasn’t expecting actually telling him that. Fuck. Something about this whole relaxing and beautiful scenery thing that was making me a lot more open than I’d wanted to be.
"What do you mean?" He looked genuinely confused and I chuckled, wondering how he hadn’t seen it before.
"God Kevin. How could you not know. I knew from the beginning AJ had a crush on me. He’d watch me and study me. Wanting so badly to say something to me but unsure how I’d react to what he had to tell me. He thought he was in love with me, but it wasn’t love. It was misplaced feelings that he wasn’t sure how to deal with. I was safe. And then he found Nick. But for so long he wasn't sure what his feelings were for me. And all that time ...all that time I wished that I felt the same way about him ...could give him what he wanted, because I knew what it was like to want someone so much, but have them not want you that way too." I don’t think I was explaining myself very well, because Kevin still had that confused look on his face.
"What does that have to do with me?"
"Because.. The whole time AJ was feeling that for me ...I felt that for you. God Kevin ...for so long I watched you with such love and adoration in my heart. Longing for you to want me back. For you to notice me more than just your little baby brother who you had to take care of."
His face was a mask of complete shock and I had to giggle. "Oh come on Kev... You didn’t know?" He was silent and I actually started to believe that he had no clue.
"I didn’t know. I’m so sorry Howie." He looked so sad, so lost. It broke my heart.
"Oh Kevin. Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t meant to be. You and I weren’t meant to be, like AJ and I weren’t meant to be. He’s with Nick, I’m with Chris, and well ...you ...you’re with Kristin ..."
At that his face fell and he was thinking about something.
"But last night... Last night made me realize that although my feelings for you are still there, they’re different now. I love you, but I’m not IN love with you. Not anymore. And being with you, made me realize that Chris is my destiny."
"And my destiny was a one night stand..." His voice was so low I barely heard him.
"It doesn’t have to be that way Kev."
His head shot up and his eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
"He doesn’t have to be a one night stand."
"Who?"
"Who else? JC. Josh." Kevin had no idea how often I’d heard JC ramble on about him. How he had gone and downloaded each song that Kevin had even the slightest solo in, making a CD that he could listen to every night before he fell asleep. "God Kevin... You have no idea how much JC cares for you ...how he feels awful that you think he’s someone who’s only out for a one night stand ...who just goes home with anyone offering to fuck him, let him fuck them."
To say Kevin was surprised would be an understatement. "He cares about me? He doesn’t hate me?"
"Hate you? No Kev. I would say the exact opposite. I wouldn’t go as far to say he’s in love with you, because I’m not inside his head or his heart, but he’s on his way. I think he feels for you, what you’re feeling for him. But you’re both too scared to make a move. Too scared of what the other thinks... But I can definitely tell you, that he wants more than just a one night stand. We’ve had many a talk about you these past few weeks."
~Kevin~
My heart is racing and I have no idea what to say or what to do. I can’t believe it. I’ve been fighting these feelings for JC this entire time because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Hope that what happened between us was more than a one night stand only to find out that he didn’t feel the same way I do. But if what Howie says is true, JC was as moved by our night together as I was.
"But he was so cool to me that day ...at the fundraising thing." I’d run into him about a week or so after our night and he’d all but blown me off, barely looking me in the eye and not coming within arms reach of me.
"He was a little freaked out. Wasn’t expecting you to be there and didn’t know how to react. He wasn’t sure how you’d felt about that night... Neither of you exchanged numbers and from what he said the morning after was really awkward."
I blushed at that and remembered waking up in his arms that morning. As comfortable as it was, I had freaked out just a little bit. I’d barely looked him in the eye, afraid that if I did, he’d see just how much it had meant to me. I didn’t want to open myself up to that and allow my heart to get broken, so I had acted like it meant nothing. Like it was just another night. Even at the time I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn’t help it. Hind sight is 20/20 they say.. And fuck it’s true.
"I feel so much for him. God D... He’s perfect.. Everything I want..."
"Tell him. Tell him that and see where this can go. Don’t be afraid to love him.. Let him love you..." He smiled at me and squeezed my hand tighter.
"D. Can I tell you something?" I sighed deeply and closed my eyes tight, relaxing slightly.
"You can tell me anything Kev."
"I don’t want this anymore either. I think that last night.. Last night was sort of closure for me. For everyone. There were just so many unresolved feelings that were finally dealt with and brought in the open. You and AJ, you and I, Nick and I..."
"Nick and you?"
"Yeah. I’ve always felt the need to look out for him. Watch over him and make sure he’s okay and that no one could hurt him. But I have to let him go. Let him be his own man and trust that he’ll come to me when he feels he has to, but not hover over him. Let him be truly AJ’s."
Howie looked at me, clearly thinking things over in his head. "I would be lying if I didn’t say that on some level ...I’ve had more intense feelings for Nick than anyone. But he and AJ found each other... And the rest is history."
"God damn. We’re all just a fucking soap opera waiting to be written now aren’t we?" Howie asked laughing. AJ wants me, I want you, you want Nick and Nick ... Well Nick’s Nick and never knows exactly what he wants but always ends up getting it just how he wants it."
I can’t help but laugh with him, knowing that he’s right. "Is NSYNC as fucked up as we are D?"
"Strangely no. I mean, sure.. They’re fucked up but NOTHING like what’s with us. And I know for certain, that at their dinner parties, there is no naked blindfolded twister or whatever the fuck games you guys play." We both laughed at that and I had to fight not to picture Lance and Justin all naked and tangled in one another, or even Joey and JC with Chris running the spinner.
"So... You gonna call him?" Howie smiled at me, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Fuck.... You got his number?" I sighed, knowing I had to do this. If not for him, then for me. We had a lot of talking to do. I had a lot of thinking to do.
"Yeah. Whenever you’re ready, just let me know. I know he’ll be happy to hear from you."
Our conversation died considerably. I think we’re both just thinking about things. I wonder how different things would be right now if I had have known of Howie’s feelings for me. Where we would be and what we’d be doing if he and I had have gotten together. Or even if he and AJ had have gotten together and Nick and I... And honestly? I think I would be sad. Sad because nothing up until this point would have been the same and I wouldn’t have this memory. I wouldn’t have the feeling that’s settled in my chest after last night, this morning. The memories of sitting on Nick’s back porch, talking and holding Howie’s hand tightly in mine knowing how lucky I am to have this moment.