Title: Maybe.. Just Once
Pairing: Kev/Nicky, AJ/Brian
Author: Jules
Feedback: Send Here
Rating: Im'a say R... don't understand that NC-17 stuff
Disclaimer: If the first part never happened... then this part sure as hell never happened... Just something I came up with while in an elevator and ran with it...
Chapter 13~Howie~
Okay. I'm going to kill someone pretty damned soon if things don't change. It's been two of the longest weeks of my life living with these two idiots on the tour bus. They are avoiding each other. Which wouldn't be too bad if they were at least mature about it. But of course... They aren't. They're like 13 year old girls and I'm gonna kill them! Brian can't be in the same room as AJ which is actually pretty funny. He gets all nervous and skittish like AJ's gonna attack him, pounce on him, which I don't think he'd mind if AJ did. And that's what he's nervous about. I think he's afraid AJ's gonna make a move and he'll enjoy it too much. And then there's AJ himself. He's depressed but doesn't realize it. Sighing I've decided to phone Nick's cell and warn them that we might end up being a trio. If something doesn't happen soon I'm going to seriously harm both Brian and AJ. Why can't I be in a normal group. I wonder if NSYNC has this problem? If any of them are going through what I'm going through. Thinking more about this I dismiss that thought. Nah... They're ALL gay so it's normal for them. (*And I'm a fan of NSYNC so all you fans of both groups can lay off... I lurve them so I can say that about them and KNOW I'm kidding!!)
~Brian~
I think I just broke my phone. I couldn't help it. One minute it was in my hand and I was screaming into the receiver bit of it, the next it was across the bus in a million pieces from when I threw it against the wall. I'm so tired of this crap. I got into another fight with her tonight. I can't take this. Everything is just so wrong and I don't know how it got out of control. We're supposed to be in love. Get married. Have the perfect life I've always pictured. I just can't handle it anymore. I feel the anger...the rage ...the hopelessness fill me and I need to lash out. I need to get it all out of my system. Before I know it I'm crying hysterically. But it's not enough, so I start to yell. I don't even know what I'm yelling but I do know it's making me feel better. Looking down I see a vase on the table. I wonder if it will make me feel better to throw it. So I do. Across the bus against the wall with my cell phone. It gives me a sense of justice...like I can take my anger out on it because it's not hurting anyone. Anything.
Blindly I start throwing everything I can grab. Just tossing it anywhere. I know that this isn't really helping, but it's making me feel better so I don't care. The fact that this really isn't my bus is lost on me. I don't care. I'm so tired of caring...tired of doing the right thing. Again I start screaming. I'm screaming so loud I don't even hear AJ enter the room until he grabs my shoulder and spins me around. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING BRIAN?"
The anger in his eyes makes me even more mad. What the hell does he have to be angry about? His life is perfect. He's got everything all figured out. He's mocking me. I can tell. This makes me even madder. "Leave me the fuck alone AJ. Just go away." My teeth are clenched and I've got my hands fisted up against my side. I so badly want to hit something but can't. I'm thinking rationally enough know where the line should be drawn. I don't really want to do something I'll regret later.
"No Rok. This is my bus. Mine and D's and Kevin's and YOU will NOT fucking wreck it because you're having a hissy fit about something." AJ looks pissed. I mean REALLY pissed. This of course makes me even madder. We're standing face to face, eye to eye, staring each other down. Daring each other to make a move.
"FUCK YOU!" I can tell I've shocked him. I NEVER swear this much. His scowl prompts me to go further. I don't even realize what I'm saying until it's out there. "This is your fault you know. All of it. I hope you're happy."
~AJ~
I feel like the wind just got knocked out of me. There I was, sleeping soundly. Not bothering anyone and I wake up to screaming and smashing. I could faintly hear Brian's fight with Barbie but it wasn't anything new. It wasn't until the third or fourth fuck in a row I realized something was wrong. And then heard the crash of what I assumed was the vase. Howie's vase. He's gonna be pissed about that one. I thought it would pass but the crashes got louder and I knew I had to go and stop him before he trashed the whole bus. Who was he to wreck our bus because he had a fight with Barbie. We fought and that's how I got the wind knocked out of me. Figuratively of course, as much as I think he WANTED to hit me, he hadn't. "EXCUSE ME?" I couldn't help but yell. Who was he blaming me for all of this. I hadn't done anything. Well that was the wrong thing to say because he started screaming again and throwing things. "STOP IT." The only way I could see to stop him was to physically do it. So I tackled him to the floor of the bus. He fought me of course but I held on until he stopped struggling. I could pin point the exact second that the fight left him. He just stopped. Everything. And then started crying. My heart broke listening to the sobs, feeling them wrack his body. But I had to be strong. We just sat there for God knows how long. Just rocking back and forth, me caressing his arms, his face.
"Can I sleep with you tonight?" His voice was a whisper, trembling and scared. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did he really say it or was my imagination playing tricks on me. I looked down to see him staring up at me, face hopeful.
"Are you sure?" I had to ask.
He didn't even respond verbally. Just nodded his head and sniffled, biting his lip like a little boy would. I think he was afraid I'd turn him down. Reject him. I could never deny this man anything. At least I didn't think I could.
And then I found my voice. "Maybe.. Just once." I pulled both of us to our feet and led him down the narrow aisle to my bunk. He climbed in first and I stood there contemplating what the hell I was doing. I knew better. This could only end badly. But right now, I didn't care.
~Brian~
I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't have asked him to sleep in his bunk. But I did it anyways. I did it because I knew he wouldn't turn me down. As bad as I feel, I don't care. It feels so good to be in his arms, to be loved. And besides, it will only be this one time. I'm not really hurting anyone. At least that's what I'm convincing myself of. It's just one harmless night. One night where I can feel AJ pressed against my back, his legs tangled with him, his goatee scratching the back of my neck. As I fall asleep I realize that this is how it should be. All the time. This feeling is what I'm missing with her. It'll be different when we get married though. I know it will be.