Title: If I Say I Do
Series: Our Wicked Ways
Author: Aceetha/Dawn
E-Mail: shyspyke@toowicked.com
Disclaimer: This is pure fiction. Nothing in this story happened. I don't know the BSB's. If I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing this alright.
I smile at AJ and turn to look at Brian. "You ready?"He looks at me, and for a second I think I see panic in his eyes. Then it's gone, and he's acting like it was never there.
"Let's do this" he says, and we start to walk. Out into the hall, down the long hallway, and through a door leading into the church, or the side of it.
Brian takes his place, and I take mine, and then all we do is wait, wait for Leighanne to show up, and for this whole thing to start.
*****
I try to smile at Nick, try to read his mind. But I can't, of course, yet, I always seem able to read his face. Now, I can't do even that. It's like stone. I guess I can understand why, though it troubles me.
He's told me over and over again he understands, but I can't help thinking that he might believe this is the end.
It's not. I won't let it be. No matter how Nick feels, I will never let him go, not without a fight.
A fight.
I love him. I know that. I'd leave everything I know for him, I know that too.
So why is it that I can't seem to find the courage to tell Leighanne no? Why can't I tell the world, so I can live happily with Nick? Why am I such a coward?
I could do it though, say no instead of yes. I could, but I can't. For once, Nick won't be ready for that, and God knows I am not either.
I can't even make myself tell Kevin, my own cousin, much less tell the entire world on my wedding day. That would be one way to lose all respect.
Respect.
I don't even know if I deserve that anymore, or if we truly have it at all. Nick has clouded my mind, and I don't care, as long as he knows that I love him.
I see Leighanne walk up the aisle, see the smile on her face. Then it's Nick walking there, looking rather strange in that dress. I smile, and he smiles back. Then he's beside me, and the priest is talking. I don't listen, only stare at Nick, then straight ahead, waiting for the wedding night to come, for Nick to truly belong to me.
*****
I see Leighanne walk up to Brain, and he's smiling. He looks happy, so happy. Maybe this is the right thing to do after all. Maybe Brian truly wants her, but doesn't even know it yet?
There are a lot of maybes, and I don't like it. But I have to live with it, if I'm ever to have even a piece of Brian. Without that, I don't think I could go on.
As I give Brian the ring, tears fall from my eyes. Many tears. Our hands touch, and our eyes meet, and I know, I know.
He loves me. He really does. I can see it in his eyes, eyes filling with tears as well. I want to speak up, I have wanted to do that since we walked in here, yet I hold my tongue. I can't. That would too horrible. I don't even wanna think about what the others are gonna say, and do, if, or when they find out.
I guess the best thing to do it make sure that is not in the near future.
A very important though that, one I know Brian share. We both know we cannot let ther others know. That just would't be good. Kevin would freak, Howie would meddle and AJ, he'd...he'd probably be AJ, he'd simply shrug his shoulder and walk away to find some chick.
Or maybe I'm wrong, maybe he'd be the one freaking? Maybe they'd all freak, God knows I probably would.
No, I cannot do a thing here. I have to stand here and watch them be married, and I have to be happy for him.
Tonight I can cry.
*****
It's over. Only a few words left to say. The ones I once thought were the most important ones in the world.
I don't think they are anymore.
"...give you Mr and Mrs Brian Thomas Littrell"
As the priest say that, my eyes meet Nick's. I can feel the pain in them, as he stares at me. There are no tears this time, but I can feel him hurting just the same.
Oh my God. I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
*****
He seems to happy, standing over there with Leighanne, her parents and his mother. He hasn't said a word to me for over two hours. It could be because I haven't actually been close enough for him to talk to me, but the least he could do was find me, to tell me face to face that it is over. That his place is with Leighanne, and that he didn't realize it sooner.
I probably sound like a Greek tragedy or something, but that's the way I feel.
Brian doesn't love me, he looks way too happy for someone who just married a woman he didn't love.
He laughing, smiling and kissing her on the cheek all the time.
And I hate him for it.
I just..I wish he'd have told me sooner, that it could never be.
I'd have settled for a fair warning. Anything, just not this. To have to see the truth on his face, instead of hearing him tell it to me.
God, I need to get away.
But I can't leave, I know that. It wouldn't look good, it'd start all kinds of rumours.
Then where?
My eyes fall on the bathroom door, and I walk fast over to it, hoping there is no one there.
I need to be alone.
*****
I make myself laugh once more. I need for people to think that I'm having the time of my life.
My eyes scan the crowd once more, searching for Nick. I can see him now and then, but he never comes over. He doesn't even come close enough so I can motion him to come over. Whenever he sees me, he just walks away.
Ah, there he is, walking away, no surprise there. Into the bathroom it seems. Well, this is about a good a time as ever.
I need to talk to him, I need to make him understand. Something tells me that might be a bit difficult out here, so I excuse myself and head after him into the bathroom.
He's the only one there, standing in the far corner. I check the closest stalls, but they all seem empty.
"Is it over?" he asks.
I look at him, swallowing. He's been crying. I can still see the traces of tears where they have run down his face.
"Why do you ask that?" I ask him. I know why, but, I need him to say it.
"You're..happy. And us...that's just wrong. I know that, you know that, well now at least. Don't worry, I'll back away, and you can live the rest of your life with Leighanne, being..happy"
He spat the last words out. I'm thinking he is getting angry now, and by God he has the right. Yet, I need for him to be calm. Making a scene now would not be so good.
"Why do you think I'm happy with her?"
"You're smiling aren't you. Laughing, kissing her on the cheek. You're acting like a man in love, and don't come here and tell me you pretend it's me. I might have fallen for that before, but I won't again. Never again. I know the truth now."
"Do you? Then enlighten me Nick. What is the truth?"
I'm getting angry now as well, and I know I shouldn't. But he's acting like a child, and I won't take it.
He turns tro me, and throws the words at me.
"You're in love with Leighanne. Always have, always will. I was just...something. I dunno. But I know you don't love me. If you do, then why the heck did you marry her? You could have just told her it was over, but instead you kept it going. You don't love me"
I can only look at him. Is that really how he feels? Why? I don't understand him, but I know I have to relax, not yell at him like he did to me.
"I love you Nick. if you can't see that, then that's not my problem"
Oh, so not the right thing to say. I walk over to him and grab him, pullting his face down to mine and kiss him. He kisses me back at once, his tongue demanding and his hands running down my back.
Then suddenly it's over, and he pushes me back, staring at me with fire in his eyes.
"If you think that'll work, you better..."
He never finishes his sentance, he just walks past me and out the door.
I wait for a second before I follow hm, but he is already gone.
Damn it.
*****
Inside the bathroom, a man sits down on the toilet in shock.
Shock over what he just heard, and what he just saw through the small opening in the door.
He was in the last stall, but he had heard everything, seen more than he wanted.
He ran his hands through his har, and closed his eyes.
"Why did you have to go to the bathroom right now AJ" he says to himself, and hits his hands against his head. That was more than he ever wanted to know about his two bandmates.