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Chapter 22

They wanted to “talk.” At least, that’s what they said when we walked in the house. The irony was, no one talked…we sat at the kitchen table, making friends with the scratches in the wooden surface- avoiding each others eyes as if it would have been the death of us to look. I didn’t really mind it, personally…my mind was too focused on Reno, and what he was dealing with at home; judging from his parents, there must be a war going on in that house. Reno, despite his wonderful performance, wouldn’t win against his parents…he was broken.

I decided to make the first move- the silence was starting to wear on my fragile sanity, and I needed to get this conversation over with so I could make sure my Reno was still alive. I looked at my dad who sat across from me, sneering at the disgusted look he had plastered on his face.

“Say it dad,” I snapped, grabbing his attention, “Say you think I am disgusting.”

“Cloud,” my mother interjected, “Please don’t. He needs a second to digress this. So many things…happened today…it’s a lot to swallow.”

“Well you wanted to talk, so I am talking.”

I stared at my father, waiting for him to answer the nasty questions (so I could punch him and run out of the house.) Heh, who am I kidding? He won’t answer, he will run. That’s the only thing he does best my dad, run away. And yes, I was not an easy child, I may have forced him out of the house by closing up the way that I did, but at the only moment when I needed my dad the most…he fails. He is setting up a nice trend this man.

“Look,” he said sternly, “I am not disgusted at you, but you have to understand how I feel-”

“How YOU feel?” I hissed, “How do you feel?”

He avoided my eyes…this answer wouldn’t be good- no, how could it be? It was going to be…what any father would say to his only son…

“My only child…no…my only son is gay…and having sex,” he arose from his chair and began pacing around the kitchen, “you have to understand how this is hard for me as a father.”

“I’m surprised you even care.”

“Cloud of course I care-”

“You have a fuckin funny way of showing it.”

He…was trying to be the father he gave up on being…and it was pissing me off. He can’t just disappear, practically, from my life for four years, and just walk in expecting a grand father son relationship! I gave up on him coming home a long time ago…and I don’t need this kind of psuedo abuse at this moment; not when so much shit is swirling in my mind it hurts.

But…

What is he supposed to say?

It would be a useless dream for him to be so accepting of something like this- no one ever expects their son is going to be gay. And the way he and my mom found out…was pretty chocking. Perhaps I am being unreasonable…

“I’m leaving!”

Then again, I am a masochistic sixteen year old gay boy…

Don’t I have the right to act like a god damn drama queen? Yes, Yes I believe I do.

So I stomped out of the house, into the frigid outside world, ignoring my fathers cries for me. I couldn’t take it right now, I could talk to them. No, I wasn’t prepared for this moment- I needed more time.

I wanted to go to the church with the dreamlike flowers, and get lost in the fantasy of that place- but there was someplace I had to go first, some kind of hell. It wasn’t long since I left his sight, but it only takes a second for something horrible to happen- and I’d commit mass murder before I let anyone take my reason for waking up in the morning.

I stomped to his house, taking in the joy of the sound of cracking snow against my shoes- it was like I was chasing away the lie of this neighborhood. If the snow was all gone, they can’t hide in their ignorance anymore! It was like I was destroying everyone that ever looked at me the wrong way, or yelled at me, or insulted me, because I was different, or because I didn’t follow their faith. I could feel the binds of this fuckin neighborhood weaken…there was something beautiful in it’s destruction…

Then I came to his house…and I realized I wasn’t destroying anything. They were all laughing at me again- laughing at the gay boy who thought he could win. Did my little mind actually think, that just because they knew an “infidel” was in their precious sanctuary, they would shatter and crumble to their knees? Ha, am I really that stupid? No…they will just get more angry…

They would be the first to kick you when you are down.

And he was down…

Reno, was on his knees…hand hanging, with keys clutched in his red hand. I walked closer to him, and heard strangled sobs echo from his mouth.

“Reno?” I ran to him, getting down to his level, “Reno what happened?”

“I was wrong, I was all wrong Cloud.”

“No…” Something vile glisten on his cheek. I cupped him chin and pulled his head up, and too my horror saw a purple bruise surrounding his eye- which was only made more noticeable thanks to the tears. They hit him…”I’ll kill them!”

“Leave them,” he shouted, “just don’t go in there.” He grabbed my shirt and yanked me, “Just don’t go in there, it’s wrong, it’s all wrong.”

“Okay, okay.” I wrapped my arms around his frail body, which was shaking violently, and tried to hush the tears away. We sat in the snow, the chilling air slapping against our bare faces, as if trying to offer us some kind of wake up call. To run…maybe at this point in the game, running was the only thing we could do to escape the heartache that now plagued our lives. Run away from our families, our peers, our ridiculous responsibilities, and just…feel free for a little bit. Free..

He untangled himself from my arms, and looked me dead in the eye, “Run away with me,” he seemed to have read my mind.

-

He drove, I just watched him closely. I saw him, before my eyes, break even more. I don’t know what kind of thread was holding his sanity together, but no matter how far he falls, he never lets go of his thread of sanity. But how long could he go, before it just shattered? Not much from the way he was mumbling incoherent nonsense as he swerved in and out of lanes on the Staten Island expressway. I wanted to ask him were we were going, but I think deep in my heart I already new. The sun was already setting in this lovely city of Staten Island, and we were heading towards a dark place: New Jersey.

If you lived in a city like New York all your life, you become used to the bright lights and loud noises that surround your every night. Somehow the soft hum of a sixteen wheeler soothes you to a restful night sleep, as the streetlights act as nightlights to chase away your demons. New Jersey, was the same…but different at the same time. Depending were you are in this great big state, determines if you have the protection of light…or the haunting nightmares of darkness- but light is so rare in that place at night…you will most likely be endure a restless night sleep if you aren’t used to the bone chilling darkness.

Reno pulled over to the side, putting his hazards on. He stared at the metal bridge, the Gothels, with such interest, it was like the bridge was speaking to him…

“Reno,” I called out, “what are you-”

“Darkness…” he whispered, “They say…darkness hides lies, and light shows truth- in literature I mean. I think the opposite though…I think the dark is scary, because it forces you to face your greatest fears. Isn’t everyone afraid of the dark at some point? You become so vulnerable…anyone can attack you! In the light, the shadows are chased away, and you feel some sense of comfort, even though you know the evil is still around you.

“I want to brave the absolute darkness, I want to see if it what I have to see is really that crippling…and the bright lights of this city won’t allow me to do so- it’s just a mask.”

I saw the wound on his face burn…throbbing and festering like it wanted to just explode. That’s how he felt, sitting in this car, staring down a demon…this boy was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he couldn’t fight any demons! Especially his own.

But I couldn’t tell him that…

“You will come with me right?”

“Of course…”

He stomped on the gas, and we headed across the bridge- its bars and metal laughing at us as we zoomed through it. My fate was now in his hands…I had no control of where we would stop…of if we would even stop! Or if we would just drive until the gas tank emptied, and allowed ourselves to be stranded in the middle of no where. Maybe that’s just what he wants, for us to be alone, away from all judgment. I could live with that, but it would only be for a moment. It was a dream…and it was pointless to dream that little dream. We wouldn’t be together like that, not for a while anyway.

We didn’t talk throughout the entire ride- he was too busy talking to himself- so I decided to preoccupy myself with taking in the scenery of this little state. For a while we were around city lights, not as bright of Manhattan’s light, but it was still safe. Their were many cars on the road, and people where still running to their local Cold Stone for some after dinner ice-cream. But we didn’t stay in this pleasant scene for long, no. As we traveled deeper into the state of New Jersey, the lights became dimmer, the people became fewer, and the cars disappeared. We were on a road engulfed in darkness, with nothing but the reflectors on the street offering fake light.

Three hours…and still no words echoed through the car- not even music was allowed to enter this place. He needed absolute silence for whatever he was plotting in his little head; but the silence was now wearing on my own sanity. I needed to know what happened after I left…exactly what happened. No…no I needed to know everything, now that I think about it- every moment we spent together while he was still under Shinra’s orders, I needed to know what he felt, truly…

The darkness was getting to me…I could feel those little demons laugh and cackle at my poor pathetic displays of the truth. Why need I need it so bad all of a sudden? Because Reno was going to break….or because I was?

“Reno…” I looked at his lost face…he honestly didn’t know where he was going.

Or did he?

“Reno, honey, pull over,” I pleaded, almost pathetically, “I need to talk to you.”

“Talk to me…” I repeated with a snicker, “Talk to me…motel.”

“Motel…?” I looked outside my passenger window, with enough time to watch him pull into a sleazy New Jersey motel. It was absolute darkness here- the street lights that surrounded the lot were just for show…all were beautifully dead. And the motel…all but the lobby was dark- no one was here, not a soul, but me and this boy…a boy who was having a-

“You know what’s fucked up Strife?” He laughed as tears cascaded down his face, “I never loved him! I never fuckin loved him! Isn’t that funny? I spent…I spent like two years with this boy…he helped me…he helped me…”

I flicked on the lights in the car…causing him to flinch in disgust of the light. “Ah,” he groaned, “not the light. I hate it.”

“Why? Why do you hate it Reno?” I grabbed his shoulders in frustration and gently shook him…tried to shake some sense into him, “Reno, what happened, what’s wrong.”

“It was like all the other boys…” he sobbed, “He wasn’t special…but he acted as if I meant something! Me! When we were together I fucked every fuckin guy I could get my grimy teenage hands on. I wanted to grow up so fast, because…because…

“Because they made me! They! Those people I call parents! They made me…they left me home alone, with nothing by a dumbass for a nanny! They never fuckin cared…

“But why! Why! Why!” He shoved my hands off his shoulders, slapping them away from him, as if my touch was painful.

I don’t….I don’t even think he knew it was me.

I don’t even think he knew were he was.

“Tseng!” He shouted suddenly, “You are such a god damn idiot! Why didn’t you yell at me to stop! I would have stopped…I would have fuckin stopped…why didn’t you stop them…” He sunk into his seat, defeated, staring out the front window deadly… “I know why you didn’t stop him. You wanted me to learn a lesson…

“A fine lesson, Tseng, a fine lesson. What happens when you take meth at one of those San Francisco gay clubs without a friend to drag you out. You either wake up in a hospital, with an IV in your arm, and a nurse at your bedside shaking her head…or you wake next to someone you don’t even know. He tells you, ‘get the fuck out of my house,’ and tosses you your pants. You don’t even remember what happened…

“That’s what happened to me…and I could deal with that. It wasn’t rape, because I had ask for it right? When I took that drug, I opened ass up for any homo who wanted it. I could deal with that, yes I could Tseng. But what I couldn’t deal with…what just drove me over the fuckin edge…was when I walked out of that son of a bitches apartment, there you fuckin where, in your Shinra attire…looking as if nothing had happened. I knew you knew, you knew I knew…and yet all you said was…

‘We have a meeting…’

“And you got in the car…”

There was a long painful silence…this was more than I could even hope to bare. I sunk into my own seat, trying desperately to swallow everything Reno had just said- it was so random, so illogical, yet it fit with everything that happened in a way…it was like…

“And that’s what started the little dominos Cloud,” I felt his brush against my cheek, pulling me to look into his green eyes, “because the man that fucked me that night, was Rufus Shinra’s cousin. That’s how they found out I was gay…that’s why they wanted to recruit me for the ‘Cloud Mission.’ But Tseng, didn’t want them to…that’s why Hojo came to California…

And the rest, is history.”

I wanted to look away from his eyes…they were dragging me deeper into his dark history, and as much as I wanted to feel his pain…as much as I wanted to help him escape this pain, it was almost too much to bare. The purple bruise around his eye was getting darker, worse, it seemed; all the pain in his heart was starting to show it’s ugly face. I was going to throw up…everything…everything he went through…

Then he went even paler…he flinched…and ran out of the car, puking all over the parking lot as he did so. I rushed out, running over to my sobbing boyfriend (who was now leaning against his car, his hand covering his mouth ), and held him against me.

“Reno,” I whispered, “Don’t cry anymore.”

“Cl-Cl-oud…” he shuddered, gripping to my shirt for dear life, “It was all my-”

“No! Don’t fuckin say that anymore, it wasn’t your fault…it was never your fault.” I couldn’t keep my tough composure, not even for him; I buried my face in the crook of his neck and sobbed with him- it was a relief…as much as it hurt like a thousand bloody hells.

“I always loved you…” he said suddenly, through the water fall of tears, “From the moment I kissed you…I loved you. I love you, you fuckin’ jerk!”

Why I loved this boy so much- God I can’t count the ways- but his humor in this situation, made me love him even more than I could have imagined. He in moment, brought me out of my sudden depression…gave me the strength to move. I pushed myself off him, and stared deeply into his beautiful, magical, green orbs- a soft smile danced across my face. “I know,” I said smoothly, “I love you too.”

It was too late to drive home-and I don’t think either of us had the mental stability to drive back to that hell hole called Staten Island- so we decided to stay at the motel for the night…we needed some sleep before we go completely insane. The guy at the front desk didn’t ask much questions, just “show me the money,” and gave us the key- lucky for us he was too engrossed in his porn magazine to worry about two runaway teenagers.

The motel stunk of a dead rat, and I am sure a bundle of prostitutes have seen this same exact scenery- bed, tacky wallpaper, dead plant- but it was better than sleeping in the car. While Reno was in the bathroom, I decided to tell my mother I was okay…she is probably worried.

“Cloud, you ass, where are you?” See, told you she was worried.

“New Jersey, with Reno.”

“Get your asses home now,” she screamed into the phone, adding more damage to my poor ear drums.

“We can’t…I don’t think we can…”

There was a long pause at the other end, but I think she got the hint- ever since she stopped drinking, she seems to understand me…it was an alien feeling to have a mother that understood you, but a welcomed one.

“Come home, early, tomorrow…okay?”

“Yes…we will.”

To be honest, I didn’t want to go home…I wanted, to just run to Canada and stay with Reno in some small ass apartment for the rest of our lives. All I need his him…or I think…I’m young and stupid remember. Heh…

We laid ourselves in the dirty bed, shutting off the life, and engulf the room in an unnatural darkness. Reno quickly found his slide closer to me, laying his head in the crook of my neck, and flaying an arm across my chest. In turn I wrapped my arms around his thin waist, and placed my lips against his forehead…where the belong. And despite all the horrible imperfections with this moment, I was in heaven.