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Chapter 19

I learned how to put on a tie thanks to catholic school…never thought I would need to use this forgotten trait again, but sadly, I had to dig through my memory-and my draws- to prepare for an dark event, that called for such fancy workmanship. I finished with the tie, the final piece to this puzzle, and took a look at myself in the mirror. I was decorated in black dress pants, a button down white shirt, a suit jacket-button- and a tie. I looked so much like those guys from Shinra, except I was more cleaned up, instead of sloppy and unorganized. I got a hair cut for the occasion, so no more tall spikes, just short…wispy kind of, it fell an inch or two above my eyes…yeah.

“You need a ride?” My mother asked, leaning against the door frame.

“No…” I mumbled, “No, I’ll take the-”

“Not like that…you will get jumped in too seconds. I will be waiting in the car, take your time.”

She’s been unusually nice to me, after she found Reno’s name carved into my skin. It wasn’t like her to be nice…and I doubted she would show any kindness to me if she ever found out I was a cutter- I thought she would give me a lecture, on how stupid I was. She didn’t do anything spiteful though…just looked at me with concern, not hate, in her eyes. I don’t know why she felt bad, why she even cared…she pretty much just found out I was gay.

I looked at myself in the mirror again…I could almost feel him next to me. His sister called me…told me he was dead, and that they were burying him the next day. So here I was, dressed grimly to say my final good bye to Zachary Thomas. He was dead…dead…I don’t get it.

-

We drove over the bridge, heading towards one of he cemeteries in Queens were the body was going to be laid…his sister didn’t bother paying for a wake, since “he doesn’t have any friends or family.” Bullshit…he still deserved something…he was still a fuckin human being, he deserved the same honor any other man, woman, child, got when they died. I was angry, but there was nothing I could do…

“Was he your boyfriend?” My mother finally spoke. The question, though caught me off guard, didn’t phase me…I just didn’t fuckin care who knew I was gay anymore.

“Ex,” I said, looking out the window…there was a lot of water down there…it was kind of pretty.

“Oh…how did he die?”

“Aids…” Imagine if I fell into that water from this height…I would die, crushed by the impact of the water, my bones breaking, blood gushing from my throat…stain the cloudy greenish blue water with crimson blood. Oh wouldn’t that be a beautiful death.

“Oh…did you-”

“Did I fuck him? No.” I snapped bitterly.

“Oh…” I brought my gaze from the water to her…she was staring at the road of head, but her mind seemed only half interested in driving. “Have you ever?”

How should I answer that? What would she do? “Yes…I’ve slept with a guy, and a girl,” I smiled sinisterly, “but not at the same time of course.”

“Did you use protection?”

“They were both virgins…” Lie, Reno wasn’t…but I doubt he was infected with anything. Oh well, at least I hope…

“Still,” she gripped the steering wheel, her knuckles turning white, as if trying to force herself not to smack me. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Since when did you ever care?”

She didn’t answer this time…her face grew sad though, but she didn’t say anything…what could she say? I was right…she never showed me that she cared, that was just something I was used to. I don’t care, she never cared, why should I? Yeah…

“I love you Cloud, more than you know…and I am sorry I was never there, but if you knew…if you just knew…”

“Knew what?”

Now she was just acting weird, and not drunk weird, weird like she was holding some secret. That look she had plastered on her face, was the same look Reno would have when he was staring off into space- like they are remembering something they aren’t supposed to remember. They are supposed to forget something, but it keeps popping up in their head, taunting them…depressing them, giving that that horrific look of sadness mixed with fright. I wanted know…no, I needed to know.

“Mom, I am asking you a question, knew what?” I growled, but she didn’t move. “Mom…fuckin tel-”

“Where here!” She pulled over in front of a cemetery, THE cemetery. “Go say good bye to your friend.”

Fuck it, why was I even bothering with her? For my whole pathetic excuse of a life, she’s been nothing but a fuckin lush…she was never anything close to a mother- sometimes I doubt she even is my mom.

I walk along the muddy path, looking at the many gray tombstones that laid bare…and uncared for- tombstones that seemed to have forgotten what man looked life. I feared this was the fate of Zack’s memorial….only I would come to keep him company in this dead place. His family abandoned him a long time ago…I guess he had it worse off that me.

I finally came upon his tombstone with freshly dug dirt piled up carelessly in front of it...he was already buried. He was gone, his body six feet under, and I never even got to say goodbye…a proper goodbye. Zack’s body was now doomed to become earth, and his soul…I only hope his soul was in a place where he could finally be happy- he deserved that much, no matter what his parents though of him.

“You look upset we buried him,” his sister, Carolyn, walked next to me, her eyes fixated on her brother’s tombstone, “You were the only one who was going to show up, so I figured this was enough.”

“…He was your brother,” I choked at her the lack of emotion in her voice, as if her brother wasn’t anything more than a piece of trash on the street. Heh, I should have known she would treat the situation like this, from the creamed colored attire…she wasn’t in mourning like me. No, this was burdening her…sorry I doubt her brother fu-kin choose to die painfully, and alone. This was her blood, her family, and she didn’t even shed a tear for his departed soul.

“He may have been my brother, but he chose a path of sin, and this was his punishment. I will not glorify his wrong doing.”

A frigid win ran through the cemetery, the tears of those long past whispered in the trees and grass…that woman was heartless, and the spirits that mourned the death of Zack along with me, cried for her damned soul. But could I place all the blame on her This tiny woman, with her brothers raven locks….no. No, see, she was brainwashed by her “holier than thou,” family, who hypocritical views and voices of contradictory molded this prime example of a clay puppet. It wasn’t her fault she turned out this way, not entirely anyway, but the fault of the atmosphere of bigotry she was raised in.

“Doesn’t your religion reach forgiveness? Not to judge? To hate the sin not the sinner?” I knew once the words left my mouth, they were wasted breath. I couldn’t argue with her…she had her views and I had my more open minded liberal views…it could get ugly here. But I knew I was right in this- Zack deserved more than just some gray stone that had his name on it, with brown, worm invested dirt, polluting his body.

She merely shrugged it off, “What do you know? You’re a sinner like him…and you will burn in hell.” That was it…that’s all she needed to say anyway…and with it she walked off, down the muddy path, past the stones that shot annoyed gazes at her, and away from her brothers memory.

The stone that held Zack’s name seemed to weep, for the last member of his family finally abandoned him. I looked around-no one- I was the only one who loved him now, and it was depressing just to think that. How could everyone just run away in his time of need? Everyone but an insignificant little boy he dated two years ago…why was he the only one who gave a damn.

Maybe I left a bigger impact on his life than I thought- perhaps that’s why he called me in the middle of the night, to ask me to come say goodbye. I wish I could have asked him what made him call…his real motives…

Maybe he did…

-

What if he had told me he loved me back then…what would have changed, I wonder? Would I have ended up with Zack…would this whole Shinra, Aeris, Reno thing cease to exist. I could analyze the “what if” moments, and see what would happen if I took another path….but what good would that do- it would just make this moment more agonizing.

“Zachary…” a voice whispered next to me. I looked over to see my mother, who had made nearly no noise until, standing right next to me. “I’ve always liked that name- we were going to name you that, but your father liked ‘Cloud’ better.”

“Oh…” I mumbled, returning my gaze to the stone once again.

“This is a mess…his family is a bunch of asses,” she kicked some dirt away with her priceless shoes, “I have to come here with your grandmother, she likes to garden…we will put stones, flowers…maybe even a wreath. Your mema love doing crap like that. We’ll make this place pretty.”

“You shouldn’t bother, only I will ever come here-“

”Oh hush up, even he deserves something better than this.”

“You never knew him…”

“Well maybe if you introduced me to your boyfriends-“

“Mom,” god she was persistent, “just stop please.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, pouting like a child-but she just had to have the last word, “Well, I’ll spruce this up a bit with your mema…it will be something nice we can do for the spring time.”

I never though she, of all people, would care enough to give me a moment of comfort. But she seemed sincere…and caring, like a mother- a real mother. And for a moment there I forgot everything that happened over the years where she was trapped in a haze of alcohol and hate…for a moment there, I loved my mother.

She gently took my hand into hers, tugging me a bit, “I think you’ve been through enough for today, Cloud, you need some rest.”

I nodded my head, and reluctantly walked with my mother, back to that obnoxiously red Mercedes that seemed to stick out like a sore thumb in this gray exterior. I looked back once more though, and swore I saw Zack sitting on his tombstone, twirling a soccer ball in his hand. He looked okay…happy…free…

His eyes dance to mind, they were full of life again…he was alive for a couple of minutes. Then he smiled, and said, “You’re going to be okay now…”

And I swear for the first time…I smiled.

On the way home, my mind only wandered to one person; Reno Sinclair. No surprise there, he was always in my thoughts and dreams, taunting me with his obnoxiously loud voice, and arrogant behavior. I loved that…God I loved him. I was slowly decided to stop this stupid charade we were playing, and just take him back already. I didn’t care anymore about Shinra, and my own stupid homophobia…I would never forgive myself if something happened to Reno, and I never told him I needed him more than I needed air. And I can’t take comfort in, “he would never die,” because we can die at any moment, at any age, for any stupid reason- not to mention the fact that Reno has a history with staring death in the face. It would be a beautiful ending to just run up to that spicy red head and love him for the rest of my life…of course this is only a dream, and reality won’t allow something so cliché happen.

No, see, because something called “Shinra,” was still on our asses (and not in a good way), whether or not I choose to believe they have any power over my relationship with Reno. They exploited his homosexuality to get what they wanted- hell, they killed two innocent people over nothing- so what’s to say they wouldn’t just turn around and shoot Reno in the head? Hojo would do it in a heartbeat, and before Reno had any time to react. Maybe it would be better idea to keep as far away from Reno as I possibly could, for his sake.

Now, I am posed with a lovely question- love him regardless of the warnings, or leave him to keep him safe. Argh, both seem good on paper…but what’s good for out sanity? Neither.

The church, were Zack and I shared our first beautiful kiss, caught my eye...shattering my thoughts. The door was slightly ajar, and I got the sad feeling someone had discovered my hiding spot.

“Mom, pull over please.”

Without a word, and rather aggressively, she pulled up right in front of the monstrous church, “Church Cloud? You wouldn’t strike me as someone who enjoyed chilling in a church.”

“It isn’t the idea behind the church…it’s what’s inside why I want to go in…I just need some time to think…”

She smiled weakly, “Okay honey, take your time…I have to get home, and talk to your father, call me when you want me to get you. Okay?”

Why the hell was this woman…acting like a mother? This wasn’t the woman I grew up with- the one who would sooner drink herself drunk, than pick up her son from preschool. She was sober, she was kind…she was fuckin’ understanding.

“Mom…why did you take me to that super market, after you saw what I did to my arm.”

She looked away from me, focusing only on the street that laid ahead of her, and the neighborhood we were cursed to have lived in. She never lost that smile though, but I could tell some sadness was hidden within her eyes…disappointment maybe, with a pitch of acceptance. Like is said before, very out of character for my mother…

“Sometimes Cloud, you have to know when your kids have grown up. I missed out everything in your life for some stupid reason…I figured the lease I could do, was let you go…maybe that was the best thing for you.”

“So you don’t care that I’m gay?” Damn, and I thought that was really gonna send her over the edge.

“Yes I care…any parent would, but I won’t stop you for loving who you love. If you love Reno Sinclair, then love him. Just be careful….I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Too late…he already hurt me, on levels that far surpassed physical- but I guess it was nice my mother cared…oh god I smell a hallmark moment coming up, I have to get out of this car before my gayness reaches a new level.

-

Once upon a time, when the world wasn’t so dark and depressing…and the kids that roamed this neighborhood were innocent and sweet, I had a different group of friends- friends who would later abandoned me. One of these friends, was Aeris Gainsborough…and her beautiful green eyes. She moved to this upscale shit whole when she was ten, and was shyer than most girls that age- it surprised me to say the least. For the entire summer, she did nothing but sit by her window, looking out sadly at the world her parents cursed her to live in.

One day her form left the safety of her window…and for some reason, I was afraid of what might have happened to her. I never spoke to her, not once, but her eyes mimicked mine so well, it felt like I knew her.

It was on that day, I took a walk to that church, to look at the pond…and try to figure out where in my life I had took a wrong turn- my mother was home drunk, my father was no where to be scene, and it seemed my friends were so far away I couldn’t reach them for help. I walked into the church, and saw the little girl with long brown locks, sitting casually among the colorful flowers. She looked so beautiful sitting there, with a soft smile on her face as she picked one of the flowers.

It was that scene I walked into today…

“Aeris…” I gasped.

Her green eyes danced towards me, her smile only growing wider when they locked on to my form. She looked…almost innocent among the flowers and dull midday light. She wasn’t dressed like a whore…she didn’t have makeup covering her beautiful features. She looked much like that day, when I told her I loved her.

And for a second, I forgot what she did…

“Cloud,” she said softly, “you went to a funeral or something?”

“Yeah, a friend of mine passed away.”

“I’m sorry…”

A heavy silence surrounded us, thick words threaten to fall from our lips- whys and hows…- but I tried to restrained myself the best I could…I didn’t feel like arguing with her about her motives for that night.

I walked over to her, taking a seat next to her in the flower patch. I scanned the many flowers, so many yellows and oranges, with the pitch of greens from the stem and leaves…it was honestly beautiful..

“Reno…” she suddenly said, “You, love him don’t you?”

I picked one of the orange flowers, “Yes…”

“Then why aren’t you with him?”

Why aren’t I? That was an easy question- I was running away, to keep him safe right. Maybe part of me also can’t forgive him for what he did to me, and maybe another part of me just didn’t want to look at him anymore, or talk to him, or love him, because every time I will look into though green eyes I will remember what he did to me that night…

How he stood there and did nothing…

How he shrugged when he saw me cry…

How he…

-

“Oh god it’s my fault!”

“Reno, calm down!”

“You hate yourself…that’s why you aren’t with him.”

What did she know anyway? Was she there? Did she know what he did? No, she is just assuming things like she always does- she just thinks she knows, because she likes having control over the situation. She wanted control that night when she ran after me! When she told me she loved me! When it was all a fuckin lie…

“You hate what you were, Cloud, and you hate what you’ve become…”

She was right…I hate everything about me…

“And because of that, you think you are no good for anyone.”

I finally got the courage to look at her, that angelic face of hers was soft- non judgmental- and her eyes was focused only on me. She brought her hand to my face, and caressed my worn out skin, “I’m sorry for what happened that night. I should have just ended it with you, maybe then this wouldn’t have happened.” And then…she kissed me, firm on the lips, awaking all the lost memories that laid dormant until now. All the pleasant thoughts I had of her, that I cursed with darkness when I found her in such a sinful position, flooded my mind…

I finally realized in that moment….

I pulled away from her, staring into her green orbs, “I feel nothing.”

I’m gay.

“I figured…” she smiled despite the sadness in her eyes, “it’s okay…I have come to terms with it already.”

“Okay.” I looked ahead at the glistening pond, with the fallen leaves, and flowers decorating it’s blue liquid…it was calming. For the first time this year, I felt content with my self- a false sense of safety washed over me…nothing else could go wrong in this life of mine. The gentle waves of the man made pond, caused the flowers to dance within its comforting grasp…as the light from the sun, created a spotlight for the dancers…

-

“Cloud…”

“Reno…”

“It’s funny, you know how California has crystal clear water, I always hated it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I like this water, New York Habor water.”

“It’s a toxic dump, Sinclair!”

“But it’s life…”

“How-”

“Water is so calm, sometimes you get lost in it, and think everything is perfect. This water maybe calm from afar, but once you look closer…you see it is murky, and dirty, and disappointing…just like life.”

“Reno…where you bashed in California? For being gay?”

“Cloud…”

“Reno…?”

“They died because of me-”

“Cloud?”

I snapped back to reality, back to the sweet innocence of this garden church, and back to the green eyes of Aeris- not the green eyes of Reno. She cocked her head to the side, examining the perplexed look plastered on my face…as if she actually new the answers to all the question that haunted my mind.

“Cloud Strife,” she took my hand, tightly, “Why aren’t you with Reno right now?”

“Reno…why do you ask?”

She looked surprised at my coldness towards the boy…and I was a taken aback by her own sympathy towards the red head.

“Didn’t you hear?”

-

“Reno! No! Run Away!”

-

“Hear what?”

-

“Cousin…let me go you assholes! Reno, don’t go in!”

“You honestly didn’t hear what happened.”

Happened? Something happened to my Reno? What…my eyes went wide with panic…that some son of a bitch hurt him, or…killed him. Oh god, I couldn’t care burying someone else I loved…not again, not so soon. Who…why…and why would she know…

“What, what happened…how do you know,” my voice hit a frantic level, that even frightened the stone cold girl sitting in front of me.

“No wonder…you are here.”

“Aeris, stop-”

She placed a single finger upon my lips, hushing my words of desperation, and looked at with pity, and fright- Aerith was starting to seriously scare me.

“Cloud…you say you know everything about the flaws of human kind, and yet you are so ignorant to the damage man can actually cause. You think that just because you ran away, you could protect the people you love? It isn’t that easy…especially when he knows your weakness, are the people you cherish. They won’t let you get off that easy. They view you as not only a threat to their way of life, but a sin…you aren’t a sin, and running away will only prove their ignorance correct. Cloud, you are up against two very strong, very evil, companies…”

I pushed her finger away from my mouth, “And what do I do?”

A heavy silence draped our haven in gross darkness. Her dainty fingers brushed against my cheek, awaking the rose color that had long since abandoned my cheeks, as a soft smile placed itself on her face.

“You stop running…and you stand up, and you fight Cloud.”

Fight?

She wants me to fight?

I’m weak…I can’t fight, I could never fight. I’m just a liar, hypocrite…weakling.

She stood up, her fingers leaving my face, but her eyes were locked on to my broken, worn down form- non judgmental, just love. “I regret not fighting for you Cloud…don’t make the same mistake I did.”

The raven that had been stalking me, perched itself on a near by tree and crowed angrily at Aeris and I. It was an omen…

“Go to him,” she whispered… “before you lose him forever.”