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Chapter 18

I decided to take a gander at myself in the mirror…only to find a monster in the reflection. Hair a mess, red eyes, dark circles, I looked like I crawled out of a bad horror movie. I blamed lack of sleep, the nightmares, and even the failed dreams that he and I would be together again, for this horrible looking beast. I didn’t want to do anything today. Today was just a waste like every other fuckin day, a worthless piece of crap day. Sure, yeah, it was finally “Friday,” time to break out the fuckin jello shots, cigarettes and cheap whores, and get the mother fuckin party started.

Ha, what a fuckin joke.

I stayed up all night- well the rest of the night- staring at nothing; at a ghost, a shell, a blue screen reflecting nothing but lies at me. Oh yes, the meaning of love…the drabble of shit I wrote during physics. What did it all mean? Nothing, it was bullshit! It was lies, all fuckin lies! Like he was….I wish I never met him! Hell, I wish I wasn’t even alive to see his eyes, his hair, his beautiful, untouchable face, because what good would that do? Knowing I could never feel him under me, hold him as he cries, sit in his car….feel his lips against mine. It was all a joke, a fuckin joke. And here I was…once again, the punch line. Didn’t I warn myself? How many times did I say it? A Million. Don’t fuckin give your heart away Cloud, someone is bound to break it. Well, looky fuckin here, someone not only broke it, but the stomped on it and spat at the shattered pieces.

I looked at the blank document, thinking up all the beautiful words that could fall from my mind, down to my finger tips…all the words of how I felt, how he made me feel, and how I just wanted to leave…forever. I started typing…everything I thought. It all came out like incoherent jumble- words that didn’t make sense unless you were me.

“I hate him.”

“I love him.”

“I want him”

“I can’t have him.”

“He is all I got.”

“He is all I need.”

“I can’t live with out him.”

“I don’t want to live without him.”

“I won’t live with out him.”

“Why can’t I be with him! Why can’t I stay with him! Why won’t he come back! Why don’t I let him…why do I push him away….why do I even want him…why? God, why!”

I wiped away the tears in angry disgust…looking up at the drabble I wrote. This stupid, pathetic display of affection. This misplaced love I was giving this stupid, ugly boy! Why was I doing this! Why do I care. Maybe the bastard should fuckin shoot himself, and do all of us a favor and FUCKIN DIE ALREADY!

And I snapped…I snapped worse than that night, than any other night. I grabbed the razor in my bathroom, and just sliced my skin and random directions, laughing as the beautiful blood cried from my broken hand…and then…

I saw that it wasn’t random…oh no it wasn’t. It was quite the opposite of random…for I carved something into my arm that night- I carved his name into my arm…

Everything became a blur after that. For two weeks I was nothing but a wreck- a wreck that wore long sleeves to hide that embarrassing scar. I never paid attention in school, didn’t really see the need to anyway. What was the point of it all? Nothing…it was all shit. My friends tried talking to me, I tuned them out…Aeris tried helping me, I told her to get lost…my eyes wanted to look at Reno, and I told them no…I told them never look at him again.

I told love to go away, I told life to leave me, I told myself I was done. Over. Done with. I was nothing before, and I am nothing now. I haven’t contributed anything in this life except whiny, arrogant moments. I am selfish, disgusting, amazingly pathetic. I owe myself nothing, and I owe the world so much more.

I had seven, seven lonely days left before the world ended for me- before everyone found out I was gay. I refuse to look into their horrible contorted eyes when they find out. I’ll die before I put myself through that pain.

I wanted to write a note, to say goodbye to everyone, but after an hour of staring at a blank piece of paper, I realized I had nothing to say. No apologize, no makeshift will…nothing. No one would really care if I died anyway…

I traced my finger along Reno’s name that was forever in my skin. It stung….but it was pleasant. If pain was this beautiful, I can only imagine what death is like.

-

“You look like shit,” Zack said, laying upon his death bed. He was dieing, the Aids was taking him quicker than he thought, but he refused to let me take him to a hospital, or to call his friends and family. He told me he didn’t want to die alone, in some cold hospital room.

“Like you should talk,” I countered- he just painfully laughed.

“You haven’t been yourself lately- more depressed. What’s got your panties in a bunch?”

I couldn’t tell him- didn’t have the heart. Why should I burden him with something so selfish as he dies here. I faked a smile, shook my head, and linked our fingers together, trying to get him to believe me, “I am fine.” I didn’t even believe myself.

“Right…” He squeezed my hand. I almost felt the pain he was feeling pass through his hand. I knew this was the last time I was ever going to see Zack alive; and I hated knowing that. There was no hope- all of it was gone now- and I couldn’t make up any little lie to make me feel better. I was losing him, forever.

“I don’t want to leave you alone,” I sighed, “let me stay.”

He shook his head, smiling despite the pain, “No, it’s okay. My sister will be here in a couple of minutes to take care of me. You should go soon, be happy.”

But I’m not happy- you’re dieing and I can’t do anything to save you. I can’t stop this sickness from eating away from you, I can’t turn back time to the moment, the exact moment, where the bastard infected you with death. I couldn’t tell him that though.

“Yeah, yeah…” I looked away, relentlessly trying to fight back the tears that demanded to spring from my eyes. I couldn’t let him see me cry for him; I didn’t want him to be burdened with my own depression.

“You’re going to be okay Cloud,” he spoke softly, “you’re going to be happy, a very happy boy. You’re going to live a long time, and be successful. You’re going to find love…and you will live beautifully. Like you deserve.”

I heard his sister walk in, rambling on about something.

“Whatever you say Zack, whatever you say.” I released his cold hand…and looked into his eyes, for the last time. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, we’ll go see a movie.” He laughed pitifully, because he knew as well as I knew, this was the last time we will see eachother.

I kissed his lips, “Bye Zack.”

“Goodbye Cloud.”

-

I wanted to re-evaluated my life, as I walked home from the bus stop, but I honestly couldn’t remember. All I could think about, is Zack dieing. I never encountered death like this…and I was confused. Why did people have to die? Where do they go…? Why is there so much death, and pain, and crying in this world? Life is supposed to be happy….and it just isn’t. I shoved my hands in my pockets, as the wind whipped around, smacking me in the face…as if trying to wake me up from this annoying funk I was in.

“Cloud.”

I stopped in my tracks; that voice seemed vaguely familiar. Soft, yet harsh at the same time…kind of sounded like mind.

“Earth to Cloud,” the voice called out again, “Don’t ignore your mother like that.”

The hell? I turned, and there, leaning against the family Mercedes, was my completely sober mother, looking at my through her Chanel sunglasses. “Finally! Don’t look at me like you don’t know me. Didn’t spend five fuckin’ hours in labor to have a sun that ignores me! Now get in the car, we are taking a drive.”

Wow….wow. My mother, psycho, drunk, spaz, was ordering me around like I was her best friend or something. This was really turning into a wonderful say I can see. “Okay…” I said, despite myself. I should have just flipped her off and ran off in the opposite direction- but maybe for once I just wanted to spend some time with my mommy….

Ha! Got you! I just wanted the ride home.

I got into the red Mercedes, and we drove off in the exact opposite of our house. I didn’t say anything though- maybe home wasn’t the best place to go anyway- but I was still curious to my mothers motives…she didn’t look smart enough to kill me, so there has to be another method to her madness.

We drove for about an hour, by the mall, the expressway, and the tacky semi attach houses that are popping around Staten Island like a plague. Yes, I took in all the mechanical, man made sites of this crappy borough I live in…as the millions of lights from the bridges and houses added some comfort from the darkness that cascaded over the city.

We suddenly pulled over…

“Roll up your sleeves.” She said coldly, looking at me.

“What?” Crap…she knows…or at least has a suspicion I am doing something other than shaving with that razor.

“Cloud Adam Strife,” she hissed- she means business when she throws in my whole fuckin name, “Roll up your goddamn sleeve.”

“Fuck this, I don’t need you to start acting like a mom now; you never cared about me for the fifteen fuckin years I was begging for attention…and now? Now, you fuckin want to be a mother? A care? Oh I get it, I am not doing what your stupid friends want me to do. Well, screw you mom!” I was about to get out of the car, leave her to fuckin cry over what I said (yeah right, like she would cry) when she grabbed my wrist, and in a split second, had my sleeve rolled up…

She tighten her grip around my wrist, when she saw what I did to my arm- the horrible carving that I scarred myself with. Her eyes were frozen on the name, the bleeding name that dripped with all the venom and malice that was hidden within me…

“Reno…” she said slowly, “Reno Sinclair…”

She turned away from me, as if looking at me was so fuckin hard. I pulled down the sleeve, defeated, now my mom was going to call the little men in the white jackets to wheel me away to the looney bin. She drove away from the spot…her eyes were a frighten mix of confusion and self-hate…blaming herself? Not my mother. But once again we didn’t go to the direction of my house…

Within ten minutes, she pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store called “The Met,” which was right up the street from Barret’s apartment.

“I…I have to go, get something from here. Come with me.” She was shaking from head to toe.

“This is far from our house mom-”

“Just…come.” She didn’t look at me, but I could tell from her body language she was frustrated at me. Great…like I needed another reason for her to hate me.

-

We walked around the tiny grocery store, looking for nothing it seemed…just a way to get out of an awkward situation. My mother, she was just rambling on about nonsense…incoherent words falling from her lips…I’m sorry for what I did to her, but I always fuck things up, that’s just who I am.

It was late, almost closing time, so most of the employees were already checked out…as well as the customers. Our footsteps echoed through the back of the store, my mothers rushed ones, and my soft…depressed ones. She eventually lost me…probably need sometime to think about what a fuck up her son was.

“Hand in mine into your icy blues…”

I stopped….now that voice I knew.

“And then I say to you, we could take to the highway.”

He was singing that song…that song he deemed our song a long time ago. Demolition lovers by My Chemical Romance- it fit us so beautifully. I looked down the aisle, where the hypnotic voice was coming from. There he was…stocking some crap, with the “Met food,” uniform on his body, instead of his normal Shinra uniform. He had a job…wow…he never told me he had a job.

“With this gun of ammunition to…I’ll end my days with you in a hail of bullets…” He spotted me, our eyes meeting in an awkwardly. I hadn’t spoke a single word to him in two weeks…and there he was, just begging me to say something.

“Hi…” Was all I could muster up. He dropped what he was doing- literally- and walked over to me; his hand shoved in his pockets.

“Hey…” he mumbled, “still not talking to me?”

Well, asshole, I kind of said hi to you, CLEALY I am talking to you. “No…No I guess not.”

“I don’t like it when you don’t talk to me,” he looked at the floor, “but I guess I deserved it.”

“Yeah, well, you kind of played with my heart, let me have sex with you, even when you knew it was all a lie.”

“I know…I know. I wasn’t supposed to let it get that far.”

“Then why did you?”

“Because I thought…I thought…I don’t know. I was being selfish, you know that. I wanted to be with you, and do my job, and some how come out okay. And look, I fucked everything up…I lost the most important person in my life, because I should just stand up and tell them to back off. Now what do I have? Nothing…I should have just shot myself what I had the chance…”

Shot…himself? Fuckin dreams. “You can’t try to kill yourself, you stupid ass.” Okay, so maybe I am not really good with talking to suicidal people…but if I say anything more than that, I’d be a fuckin hypocrite. I cupped his chin and forced him to look into my eyes, “what’s dieing going to solve?”

His pleasant green eyes were tainted with a venomous poison, that shot its deadly liquid into my eyes. “You’re arm is bleeding.” I looked down, never letting go of his chin, and saw some blood trickle down my left arm…shit. My mom must of irritated it…dammit. “Let me see.” I took the injured arm carefully in his hand, and I let him…I think I wanted him to know. He slowly pushed up my sleeve, revealing his name…festering and throbbing with pain.

He tentatively touched the scar, his cold hand bringing some momentary comfort to the burning pain. “Take me back…” he said suddenly, “take me back, and well end this stupid drama. I want you back, you want me back; hell we fuckin love each other, so lets just get it over with!”

Doesn’t that sound pretty…oh so fuckin romantic. Now what are we supposed to do? Confess how much we need each other to breath, make out in the middle of a public place, and live happily ever after! Oh yes, how beautiful that would be, if we lived in fairy gumdrop land with dogs that piss champagne! Who the hell would let that happen? Those bastards he works for won’t let that happen; over Reno’s cold dead body, would they let that happen.

I forced him to look into my eyes, and as painful as it was to tell him, I knew I had to, “Reno, as long as you work for Shinra, you and I will never be together.”

I killed us both a little more that day, because we both knew…

Reno would be dead before he could left Shinra.